Latest Entries
Smacking the kitty around
2010, August 24 by Leeman, under Realization, Sex, Why Is The Moon?.
I used to think it takes a lot to continue ‘writing’ in my online diary, as the entries these last few months used to drain me dry every time I complete one. What I realized was that I still have some artistic ability in me to just enter a few lines of thoughts and that ‘should’ be enough.
Of course, I’m bullshitting myself for saying “it’s enough”.
Crabbie’s Ginger Ale Beer, courtesy of Jane. Thanks Jane.
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Coming Back
2010, August 8 by Leeman, under Inspirational.
Pat showed me Jocady’s blog a few minutes ago, which inspired me a little to keep my blog updated again. I just now need to redo the back-end because WPMU screwed up my upload folders.
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Congratulations to Benny & Helena
2010, July 9 by Leeman, under Bunches Of Oats.
On their new baby daughter. ^o^ Would love to post up a pic of them, but I want to respect their privacy.
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Just Be
2010, June 17 by Leeman, under Enlightenment, Friendship.
Tune: “Just Be” by Tiesto
Drink: Green Tea
Mood: Horny
The lyrics to this song goes like this:
You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
At my core, I am still the same person I’ve been all these decades. The only things that has changed is what I look like and the refinement of my character. I went from running away from my parents and all those that didn’t understand me, to standing my ground and understanding others. In turn, this refortified my beliefs, my principles and got rid of the unnecessary factors of pride. My parents support me, even though they will never truly understand me. I don’t need anyone to understand me. I just need to understand myself and those that are around me to accept me for who I am.
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Appreciating a brief rendezvous
2010, May 15 by Leeman, under Dreams, Iris, Love Economics.
I had a number of dreams this morning. I started out at a futuristic-ish city. I don’t remember much from this segment, but I attracted three much older women in their 40′s and 50′s, all married or has grown children. We were always either in a large closed store that sold wedding dresses or at a large Chinese restaurant with other people. The women would come around and start kissing me and I would feel a bit awkward but liked it at the same time.
In another dream of the same morning, I was inside a large hotel or a cruise ship and I was walking in a long carpeted hallway towards one end with a huge crowd of people walking the same direction on the left side. Another huge crowd of people were walking towards us to the other end of the hallway that was behind us, on the right side. As I walked slowly pass the crowd on the right, I noticed Iris in that opposite crowd. As we were just about to pass each other, we looked at each other and I stopped very briefly, reached up to her face with my right hand, caressed her face with the back of my fingers gently as if I was appreciating her. In my dream, I felt her face on the back of my fingers. The touch was surreal and sensual and that sparked up a lot of subtle but deep emotion in me.
She smiled at me and said “thank you”, then we moved passed each other and that was that. I didn’t even look back. Later in that same dream segment, I would wander around that massive mall/hotel just checking the place out which I will explain in more detail after this and it was two fold for me. I was actively sight-seeing, but I was passively seeing if I would be able to bump into her again. I didn’t. Not even once. Secretly, I felt a little upset that I couldn’t see her again, but at the same time, I wasn’t really that much affected by that.
In my sight-seeing adventure, it was quite scary in some aspect, but very epic in some way. I noticed that outside the huge windows facing the ocean, was a massive storm. Apparently, Vancouver Island was no more and Richmond was right at the edge of the ocean. Richmond in the future looked very different, but safe and strong. I guess we have to be if we’re facing such storms on a constant basis.
In my dream, the city was so detailed. In fact, for a very brief moment in the dream I ‘woke up’ for a few seconds and even thought to myself as I looked into an alcove in the distance, “It’s incredible that my dreams have so much vivid detail.” Then I ‘fell back’ in that unconscious dreaming state unaware I was dreaming again.
In the third segment of my morning dreams, I was in a massive ship of sorts that I owned. It was either a large space ship or a large ocean-going vessel. There was a small crew on board and Patrick was there along with some other people, but they were usually not with me. Tom was there with some other people, including some girls I’ve never seen before. Throughout that dream, a couple of those girls and I would be flirting and talking innuendo like crazy, but nothing would ever really happen beyond that, though it was almost apparent that each of us had taken a liking to me and me towards them.
I woke up because my brother and Ryan texted me.
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The Iris in my eye
2010, May 14 by Leeman, under Iris, Love Economics.
Tune: “Say All I Need” by One Republic
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As some of you already know, there was a girl I had been corresponding with through Skype web cam and email. I ‘met’ her through a penpal site back in mid February where she reported another member for stealing her profile bio. I had to contact her personally to tell her the deal, as I was a moderator there. Right off the bat, we both found out some pretty huge coincidences about each other. For example:
1) We both live with our parents, working to help take care of them. She lives with her mom and I live with my mom and dad.
2) She lives about four houses down a lane in the exact same village in Hong Kong, as I do if I live in the village. The village is called Wong Nai Tau in Shatin. It’s my dad’s ancestral village where his entire family has lived in for the last 200 years. Iris’ mom rents a floor in that village. There are dozens upon dozens of villages in Hong Kong.
3) We both have a spiritual side. Hers came from a Catholic background turned agnostic. Mine came from a mixture of religions turned spiritual. We also feel strongly about how we want our intimate relationship to be. To fall in love that does NOT lead to marriage and having kids isn’t really something she wants at the moment.
The fact that I was one of four moderators who responded to her report, who normally don’t respond directly and it was someone who lives at my village with very similar lifestyles and emotional needs is pretty whacked. She’s intelligent, caring and generous and feminine for the most part. She’s sporty, has nice boobs and isn’t a prude. She has a nice voice, she’s not bad looking, she has nice hair. However, she isn’t very mentally and emotionally mature.
Now, I won’t reveal anything about her private life here obviously, but to say the least, it had been a heck of a time just trying to be patient with her. She likes to accuse me of being something I am not, then apologize for the accusation afterwards. This has happened three times already. The third was my last straw.
In the last one, she accused me of ‘attacking’ her and insulting her. This pissed me off because she ended that email, as she did before by saying she no longer wants to talk with me and she used the “it’s all in your mind” line that I said back in March after my cruise. She constantly uses that line out of context, as I have partially explained in my last two entries.
As most of you know, I am probably the most logical person or one of the most logical people you know. You also probably know that I think realistically. Obviously, when I am fantasizing about someone sexually, “it’s all in my mind”. She doesn’t need to remind me of that, but what really pissed me off was that she said she was disappointed that my conversation with her would eventually lead to purely sexual talk. She said once before, that she had tried corresponding with men but it always ended up being sexual. At the time, I thought that it’s odd it would end up like that, unless those men were looking for a quick sex fix to start. I didn’t think much about it, until now.
Iris and I share some pretty intimate fantasies through MSN and Skype web cam chat. She tells me all sorts of things which I obviously will not reveal here and in kind, I respond, as well as express my sexual desires for her. For example, I asked if she ever wears lipstick and she told me no. I asked her if she would wear lipstick if I asked her to because I would love to see her lipstick marks all over my woohoo and she said she would do it. Now, all this sexual conversation was mutual. She knew I take medication that constantly makes me horny. When we have conversations on MSN and Skype, it always eventually leads to sex. It almost always starts out with her saying, “I need you.” I try responding in a non-sexual way, but it turns me on know that she needs me – not purely in a sexual way, but emotional and emotionally, that is where my sexual desire flames up.
Now, for the person that I like that I am roughly casually working towards an intimate relationship with, my sexual focus would then be concentrated on the person of my adoration. I once had that adoration for Erica and from time to time, I think about her, but not as much as I started doing with Iris.
As you all know already, I AM a sexual person. This is clearly apparent in many of my past entries. I will react sexually if the other person is reciprocating. With Erica, it didn’t happen as much, though I did fantasize about her, because 90% of our conversations were about the mundane and GeoCaching, etc. With Iris, even if we start off talking about mundane things, it always ended up with sexual talk because it almost always starts off with “I need you” or something similar.
What Iris may not have realized and may never realized was that I was starting to break down my barriers because of her. The more vulnerability she expressed towards me, the more I wanted to reach out to her and a key element of me reaching out, was to express my sexual desire. What she simply and utterly will never realize is that in sex, as I’ve explained to her before, is a dance. I LOVE pleasuring and the reward of being pleasured is awesome, but it has to be mutual. I would never fuck a girl just to get off. That’s why the flings never worked out for me. I couldn’t just have sex to get off. The lack of emotional connection just made the entire sexual activity lame. With Iris, I wanted her. I fantasized about her and I told her, as she told me hers.
In three emails prior to my last one, I told her I hesitate in telling her about my sexual dreams, remembering she once mentioned that all the men she’s corresponded with eventually became purely sexual towards her. Indeed, I wanted to make love to her 24/7 and I even imagined putting Erica in there, something I normally don’t think about OR even another guy, but again, that’s MY WAY of communicating my emotional needs. The dance of sex, the dance of pleasure giving and receiving.
I wanted her, as I once wanted Erica, but with Erica, though our obstacles were massive, it felt so natural to just want Erica. With Iris, all those mental obstacles were just becoming so much effort. She accused me of insulting her, attacking her and accusing her. Yet, she did not once look back at her own actions towards me – the domino effect of how it came to be. I admit that sometimes, I have some communication long-windedness and/or issues with clarity, but I don’t go ahead and accuse people without due cause. Regardless, now I understand how those men she corresponded with in the past started talking purely about sex and how she was ‘turned off’ by that. I say, in hindsight, if I knew it was through her own instigation of expressing her need and sexual desire for those men that caused those men to completely be sexual with her, in which would turn her off, I would have stopped myself from telling her my medical needs. I would have kept my heavy desire for sex and pleasure giving to myself.
I truly believe that Iris should definitely NOT respond to men with words of “I need you” and express sexual desire, if she’s going to be “disappointed” that the intellectual conversation would shortly be replaced by sexual fantasy.
/sigh
I actually liked her and the funny thing is, as you all may find surprising, is that I actually thought that this would be my first potential ‘real’ relationship that didn’t start out as a fling. I may actually fall for someone because we were friends first – something I never considered in the past. June, Cindy, Sandra, Fiona and even Virginia, etc. They were all either a fling that turned into something else or right off the bat, we met and we worked our way not through friendship, but many delicious flirts and dates to become intimate partners. Though through Iris’ eyes, I was probably more to her than she was to me, ultimately, this was a different experience for me – something I was in many ways, looking forward to, especially when I was going to meet her in December this year.
After allowing myself a day to think and cool off, I don’t regret my harsh last email, but I kept saying to myself, “What a waste.” No, not a waste of experience. Actually, it’s a waste of a good coincidence.
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The Fields of Mount Fuji
2010, May 10 by Leeman, under Dreams, Iris, Love Economics.
Unlike most other nights and mornings, I actually went to work with about 3.5 hours of sleep. My brain isn’t functioning that well and I’m not joking this time. I actually feel quite bad right now. Regardless, I had dreams and this dream or these dreams were a bit disturbing for me.
I dreamed mainly about Erica and a little about Iris. Patrick was in there too, along with my mom, my dad, Brandon, my brother, my aunt and even Jason Ding and Jason Lau, but primarily it was about Erica. You see, Erica and I moderate a web site together and we have access to each other’s private messages between people. However, even though I have this power, I don’t easily check other people’s messages unless I really need to and this need is only induced by reports made by people.
In my dream, the distance caused by Erica fueled my mistrust of her and this in turn, caused me to check up her private messages. Mind you, this was in my dream. It didn’t happen in reality and it never will. In her messages, I found that other men were contacting her and this was no big deal normally, but I found the messages to be very similar to the ones I shared with her in the beginning of our ‘relationship’. A lot of innuendo, subtly sexual, almost intimate. The more I read into her messages by various people, the more I became tormented. The visuals surrounding my dream was that of me treading through fields of tall thick grass, in light fog, cloudy skies, old wooden fences, unmaintained bushes and trees, met with ditches and dirty creeks. (more…)
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Irritated
2010, April 15 by Leeman, under Friendship, Iris.
Mood: Tired
Drink: Sho Chiku Bai Sake
Tune: “Enough Love” by Mandalay
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I had a MSN conversation with a friend just now. It ended negatively. In essence, she hung up on me. I sighed because she doesn’t realize my sudden dry humor. Which irritates me. I understand that can’t understand how I work and what my past is like. She could only piece things together with bits and pieces of what I tell her, glued together by her own thought processes and perception. I wanted to get mad at her, but in the end, I just sighed.
The friend I was in MSN with asked me if I would be ‘like this’ every time we talk. Looking back at my limited correspondence with her, we don’t talk about my thoughts every time. In fact, looking through my chat history with her, we’ve only talked about my thoughts twice. The first time was during my flu and tonight was the 2nd time. The reason why we talked about it tonight was because she asked me what I “woke up” from and I talked about solutions to problems and that lead to me saying that I know my problems, therefore, I know my solutions and she persisted in that it frustrated her that I don’t let anyone in, etc, etc. Yet, she asked me at the end if it was going to be like this every time we talk. I raised my eyebrow and thought, “We wouldn’t be talking about this if you hadn’t asked in the beginning.”
It’s irritating because she asked, I answered. That answer turned into a rant. She questions and criticizes that, then at the end, asked me if it would be like this every time? I wouldn’t be sharing my thoughts with her, about myself, if she did not ask.
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The Human Right
2010, April 15 by Leeman, under Visions & Family.
“I kept saying it’s not a gay right to hold someone’s hand when they die, its a human right.” -Janice Langbehn
One day, I hope America can come out of its 234 year old shell and embrace what is obvious. I also hope that people will eventually rise out of their cocoons and accept this fact, because as it stands, this simple and very basic right is still not recognized in many places around the world.
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Bundled up
2010, March 21 by Leeman, under Inspirational.
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It’s easier
2010, March 21 by Leeman, under Realization.
I find it a lot easier to enter my thoughts here these days because all but one of my friends have disappeared from this site. In the past, the biggest issue I had was that I felt vulnerable, but now, I feel a lot less restricted.
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When everything hurts
2010, March 21 by Leeman, under Realization.
I might have the flu, I am unsure. I could check myself into emergency, but no. My entire body is aching and my stomach hurts. My head feels a bit weird. I almost feel like throwing up.
Then there is the emotional anguish. It’s odd how when it’s bad, everything is bad. Is this what pure depression feels like? If it does, it really sucks. It’s no wonder those that suffer from it constantly think of suicide. The sweet embrace of death for a broken body, a broken soul.
Is this my weakest point? I thought I had gone to my weakest already, but that’s too unrealistic, as I potentially have a long life ahead. If not, then I know it was my time.
I haven’t eaten anything. I’m sipping a large glass of cool orange juice mixed with water. I dread trying to swallow the Tylenol pill. My heart aches. My stomach churns. My bowels twist. My back hurts. I now feel everything caught up to me. I can no longer laugh and smile as I once did, as I wanted to.
Help.
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Unfortunately, I have also realized…
2010, March 18 by Leeman, under Friendship, Realization.
Mood: Settled
Drink: Sho Chiku Bai sake
Tune: “Active Radio Activity” by iLL
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…that no one was there for me when I needed them. Come on, you *should* know me by now, I don’t ask for indirect help. I hint it very indirectly. Eg: “So what do you want to do now, that we’re done dinner?” or “You feel like something bubbly?”
Ah, it sucks really. The two people that really understood me are not here anymore. One turned into a petty, ill-tempered blamer of the entire universe and the other just got married and lives far away. So I’m stuck here with some pretty fantastic friends, but they don’t quite understand me on that same level that Jonathan and Albert did.
For example, there was a night, around midnight that Albert and I went to some apartment buildings next to Granville Island and we just stood there, both looking at the reflective water and he started a question, “Do you…” and I interrupted and said, “Yes.” I remembered he grinned and said, “I like how you and I just know things without saying much.” – something like that.
Or the times when I spent my evenings and early mornings with Jon, just walking around aimlessly or chill at my house, I would sit on my chair and he would lay on my bed, not talking and then he would say, “I know you have something you want to talk about. Out with it!”
These days, my friends over here have their own issues and are not readily available. At the same time, they aren’t available regardless because their thought processes are on a different plane than mine. For example, I would be standing somewhere and looking at something and I might have a grin on my face, but they would be completely clueless what I’m thinking about.
[sigh]
Indeed, I do think back on the good days I’ve had with Albert, but it really just sucks how everything turned out. At least we didn’t forfeit our friendship due to the misinterpretation of some freakin girl. [laughs] At least, that is the highlight of our end.
So since we departed from each other, I had been dealing my issues on my own terms. It’s not difficult. It’s just daunting.
I know Patrick and even Laura tries to do things like joke around, humor me and play along with me and add their tid bits here and there and that’s awesome. They’re awesome. They are, so don’t ever think otherwise. However, I need someone right now and no one is there for me. No one. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling. Void.
I’m not a talker when I need someone. I am a refuge taker.
For example, Albert and I used to drive around, listening to CD’s I made for him or CD’s that he made coinciding a period in his life. We would drive around in his Prelude and he’ll tell me his thoughts and feelings. Then we’ll park somewhere and just enjoy the ambiance. Listening to him talk those years ago, was inspiring. It was actually, possibly coincidentally that after he and Jenny became more serious, that it all became so damn different. He was always anal, but man, there were so much shit after they got together.
Anyway, or Jon… These days, who in my group of friends here would go sit out at the playground with me and swing on the swings while we talk about Quasars and black holes? I loved those stories Jon told me.
I ride hard these days. I sprint above 40km/hr for an amateur like me, sometimes reaching close to 50km/hr. I induce emotional suffering and that in turn, drives me to ride hard. I think the coolest time ever, was when I was riding around 49km/hr beside a car that was going about the same speed. The passenger gave me a thumbs up.
Some of you, like Michelle may have at least at one point wonder why I am so unresponsive and taking so damn long with my hand written letters. I am more reactive than active. Towards others, I am reactive. For myself, I am active. If my friends seek me out for advice, opinion, a sounding board, etc, I will react accordingly. However, no one reacts to me, so I have to take the initiative and action for myself.
Now before Pat goes off into a potential 12 comment tangent, I am not blaming anyone for not being able to be there for me. In fact, I’m typing out all of this in a state of equanimity. I recognize domino effects, chain reactions, connections, layerings, etc. I am here today, because of a myriad of circumstances.
That’s pretty much it.
However, there is one thing I seriously despise is when someone gives their word and back it up with “Trust me” and/or “I will never…” Because when you do break that, I remember it and I will remember it forever and it always use that as a referencing point to everything you do in the future. That’s why you will very rarely hear or see me say “I promise” or “trust me” or “I will never…” – unless I knew I could follow through with it. When I break something I’ve said, I get into a state of massive upset and think about it a lot, coupled with how I may not break it again. I hate words, even though I am a prolific writer, as I align with action much more. I just hate waiting. As my earlier conversation with Laura, “I despise waiting to hear back from someone.” It simply and utterly stresses me out – within context of immediacy of course.
This damn sake is NOT making me buzz! I blame the massive sushi I had with Jason L and Patrick!
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Strange & Irritating Experience
2010, March 18 by Leeman, under Iris, Love Economics.
Mood: Settled
Drink: Sho Chiku Bai sake
Tune: “At Last” by Etta James
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This sake isn’t bad at all. Sweet aroma, sweet first taste and hard when it’s in. Sounds like I’m talking about sex.
All this good sake and no one to share it with. Unlike my friends who still drink and used to drink, I will drink regardless if I have work or not the next day. It’s one of the little simple pleasures in life that is left to me. I just wish I can find a tune/song that will fit my mood right now. Normally, I would go out for a drive right now, but I don’t have a place I want to go to or drive around at. Too sleepy with the sake.
You know what is amazing? Me neither.
As a couple of you know, I had a super strange experience recently. I met this girl on the net and I found out some pretty big coincidences about her. Eg: where she is living at right now, her issues reflect mine but much more concentrated and her thoughts are more in-tuned with mine. This may not seem much for anyone reading this, but obviously, I am not detailing anything here.
The first week of our correspondence was quite strong. She poured her feelings out to me. I had reacted in haste, but I also confess that I am attracted to her. However, there was something she said that she worried about was that it seems that I am attracted to women that need me. That’s not entirely true, but it’s also not entirely false either. (more…)
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Do or don’t
2010, March 15 by Leeman, under Love Economics.
For some time, I’ve maintained a certain relationship with someone. At one point, it grew to something uncontrollable emotionally, but calmed down quite a bit afterwards, like an orgasm. After a few months of silence, she popped up and we continued our friendship.
We had exchanged some intimate information with each other and even some intimate media, more so on my end than hers. After on and off pondering for awhile, I told her over chat in February not to send me any more intimate media on herself. At the time, when she asked me why, I was unable to give her a solid answer. I am unsure if she will read my entry here ever, but my answer is this:
There are various reasons I had thought up to excuse her lack of response, some of which had to due with trust, though she had tried reassuring me that wasn’t the case. Other reasons included past issues to do with a former lover possibly betraying her trust and thus, had affected all future possibilities. Another one would be that she felt we it was pointless. Etc.
Since this particular aspect of our odd relationship was completely lacking with unknown reasons, I decided one night while falling into sleep that I will choose for her to take away any future stress she may have with this particular thing. So in chat, I requested that she never send me nude pictures or videos of herself to me ever. She could still send ‘normal’ pictures, like road kill, tidbits of her as a gnome, etc, but no intimate pictures and videos.
This is reflective of the things I’ve been tackling with over the last couple of years. I despise ‘wishy washy’ things and am quite surprised at myself for being so tolerant of the various people around my life that are in this state of ‘wishy washiness’. It goes to how I do my work: either I don’t or I do. When I start it, I will finish it – so long as my part can be finished.
Do or don’t. Though this lack of tolerance conflicts with the emotional history and consideration factor.
Anyway, so I made the choice for her. This puts her at rest and this wipes away any feelings of ‘waiting’ on my end.
Unfortunately, I have also realized…
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In the scheme of things
2010, March 13 by Leeman, under Realization.
Mood: Settling
Drink: A glass of Black Opal Shiraz would be nice right about now
Tune: “Samba é Amor” by Bebel Gilberto
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And of course, I forgot where I stood in all things. I forgot who I am within the confines of a particular subject. When I remember, everything settles in again. It’s not often things get unsettled. In fact, I don’t recall a time when things ever became unsettled.
Earlier, I asked myself, “Who am I to question and to demand?” In the scheme of things, I am a nobody. I am a play-piece. ‘Karma’ has hit me square in the jaw – the chess player becomes the chess piece. Which? I would like to say I was the perceptive Knight that became the useless King and now, the Knight without his steed. So a Pawn. Let me make my way to the end and grab myself a Queen.
Idiotic.
This reasoning will allow me to sleep better at night.
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Alas, the scary thought…
2010, March 12 by Leeman, under Realization.
…is that the switch had been turned on to reveal this unstable aspect of my psyche. Damn it. Damn it to hell!
She was a reflection of me, except she poured her heart out to me and I just listened, unknowing that she is a reflection of me. The difference being that she wore her heart on her sleeve and I imprisoned mine deep inside. When she left, I felt nothing. However, what was left behind was an opened gateway to my heart. Now, my perception is way off, my ultra sensitivity boosted by the broken anchor and I am taking things out of context.
I cannot tell what is real and what is fake pertaining to me anymore.
I once had Albert to reconfirm my thoughts and feelings. These days, I managed so well up until this point. No one else can reconfirm my thoughts and feelings, as I once did for his and vice versa.
I don’t want to think these negative thoughts because I have an excellent imagination. Yet, the part of my logic that dictates possibilities and probabilities has been boosted a zillion times over. Damn it to hell!
With this said, I may have very well been reading everything wrong from the beginning. I want to say, “I don’t know what to do”, but all I have to do is think about it harder and I will find solutions.
My time has passed. Back in the day, it was constantly proven to me. These days, my worth is personal.
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I Am What I Am
2010, March 12 by Leeman, under Enlightenment.
Mood: Reflecting, pulling myself back out of the grave I have been digging for myself
Drink: A shot of Glenfiddich would be nice right about now
Tune: “I Am What I Am” by OceanLab
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“Stop making excuses for your own failures.” -me
Patrick had asked me questions pertaining to what my motivation in life is, how I can keep going in the face of so many obstructions and pick myself up, even after falling down so hard. I don’t think I was ever able to give him a good proper answer. This song pretty much sums up my beliefs – ones that have naturally integrated itself into my very being, for years. (more…)
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I need you
2010, February 23 by Leeman, under Friendship, Iris, Love Economics, Visions & Family.
Mood: A hint of worry, a slight of frustration, otherwise, strangely calm
Drink: Les Combelles Cotes Du Rhone 2006
Tune: “Good bye my master” by Yoko Kanno
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I had a strange experience over the last few days. For a moment, I started to fall for a ‘stranger’. Her life, where she lives, her feelings now, her desires, her goals – all of which I can completely relate to. I had already been numbed out for a few years now, numbed more so in the last two years, until of course, I get drunk, alone mainly. I didn’t think much of it until very suddenly. Then she told me this morning she needed me, at a weak point, where I can completely relate to as well. Yet, being used to giving serious objective advice and perspective, I told her as I would tell all of my other friends and that ‘ruined’ it for her. Now she has retreated and I am left here gradually becoming numb again.
She very abruptly reminded me that I can feel those emotions again, but with a line of misplaced words, it felt like all that I have shared with her became meaningless. Can anyone ‘blame’ me for being the way I am today?
If she does not contact me again, then life continues as it has always been. It was very different and she was quite interesting.
It’s karma, from my past, coming back to keep smacking me down. Must I become the only master of my domain, unable to share it with someone who can connect with me? Must I only invite my close ones every now and then for tea and noodles? Can I not have someone who simply can understand?
She needs someone who can inspire her, to subset a part of her emotional needs – someone stronger, but can also relate; someone more ‘mature’ and considerate. Who am I, but a stranger who became somewhat like a lighthouse, if only briefly. I have never relied on anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. It just simply means, I have always been forced to rely on no one else.
I am holding up the entire universe with my meager existence. Can someone come help me wipe off some of my sweat? It’s getting into my eyes and it stings.
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When someone…
2010, February 22 by Leeman, under Friendship, Iris, Love Economics.
…you really care about and connect with, needs you, try not to make the mistake of providing serious objective advice. What they need is you, so give yourself to them.
[sigh]
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Bread Crumbs
2010, February 18 by Leeman, under Enlightenment.
Mood: A wee bit anxious.
Drink: Les Combelles Cotes Du Rhone 2006
Tune: “It’s natural to be afraid” by Explosions in the Sky
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How do you expect to refine the future, if you keep trying to delete your past?
Like my blog that I started back in March 2006, there has been many times, countless times I wanted to delete it all and restart anew. Many times that I had actually closed down the site, but reopened it the next day. I didn’t like the idea that people would see me for who I was, at my weakest, at the times when I was ‘too’ outspoken and even brash. Alas, my blog is intact and it would make it four years old next month.
You know what shines in the future? It is not the money shot, nor the greatest award winning piece of artwork I might produce. What shines in the future is all that I have experienced in the past. It is in that past that shows me what I am capable of and what I can continue to exceed in. My past is the lighthouse in which it shows me the way.
My past refines my future, as it defines who I am at this moment in time. Without that history which makes me Leeman, I am but a blank canvas, empty and lost.
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I feel sick…
2010, February 13 by Leeman, under Bunches Of Oats.
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Most Creative Guy in the entire universe
2010, February 10 by Leeman, under Inspirational.
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Friends & Experiences
2010, February 10 by Leeman, under Friendship.
Mood: somewhat horny
Drink: hot green tea
Song: “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” by Louis Armstrong
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This was originally posted at a forum responding to a girl who asked why her penpal friends would suddenly disappear without telling her why. I responded in two posts:
My first response::
This depends on how you define a friend. I think too many people use “friend” too loosely.
Her follow-up:
Yes you are right the term “friend” is used too loosely alot of the times.
So I shouldn’t really waste my time trying to meet people because if they are tired of you then the communicating will just stop. Leaving me wondering what happened or what I did wrong.
Then my last response:
Effort can only be wasted in hindsight. Many people interpret it like this: “If something goes well, then it isn’t wasted. If something goes wrong, then it’s wasted.” Therefore, you can never know whether it is wasted or not if you don’t try. It’s like everything we do: job/career, a project, giving advice, giving our love, giving our friendship, giving our trust, giving our bodies, giving our all.
Too many people try and try and try and keep failing, but these people continue to let past experiences go to waste because they fail to learn, to look at the mistakes, the process. Those that allow themselves to indulge in experiences also should learn to be more cautious. However, be cautious, not paranoid.
We should not cut ourselves short of potentially great friendships, just because of a few setbacks.
I should stop drinking this tea at midnight! BTW, did any of you Richmonites see the Torch Bearer run by on Steveston Hwy yesterday?
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Full of Uncertainty, retake
2010, February 9 by Leeman, under Bunches Of Oats, Inspirational.
This is directed to Patrick – you once commented on one of my entries titled “Full of Uncertainty“, dated September 13th, 2007. You said:
Ah… I remember the time when we ran into all those dead-ends, wrong turns, and difficult terrains but you know what? I kinda hoped that would happen because where’s the fun without any obstacles and challenges eh? My friend Adam said this to me before he left to join the Army, “The most interesting people are those who take the longest to figure out what they want to do in their lives” =)
“There are many paths in life, all leading every which way. At times it may be too dark to see the paths, or we may choose a path that says no entry. However the paths we choose make for the people that we are. Without these walks in life we get bored, tired and stagnant. We lose that spark that every human being has, that light, that life. Be who you want to be, walk where you want to walk, love who you want to love, and make life what you want to make it.” – Samantha L.
So what the hell happened between then and now?
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