…you can hear, see, feel what I hear, see and feel. Obviously, who really knows how to respond to entries like this?
At one time, it was almost nice to have a student actually listen to me, but I was no mentor. Far from. In his perspective, yes. In mine; I was far from being eternal. With modesty aside, even if my perspective transcended humanity, I still resided in a human perspective.
Tonight, I drink alone again. Sake cups my brother got me for my 30th birthday with Port, cheap Port, but Port nevertheless. I contemplated the Taylor Fladgate Special Reserve I usually indulge in or the Cape Ruby. I got the Cape Ruby. Half the price, half the taste, but it does its job.
Indeed, I have cheapened my worth, aside from social protocol. [sigh] Social protocol.
There is so much I want to say, but I don’t think my blog here deserves to see my words. I need someone to share a bottle of Port with, that I can trust my mind to… Trust… Not trust. No, rather, to be able to swim in it. It saddens me that as I grow older, I realize that no one can swim in it as I do. Everyone else, simply, tries to fish it up.
Fish die out of the water.
It’s nice that my friends, most of them, joke with me, to ‘show’ me that life isn’t really so serious. That’s the other me, the other aspect, but the one aspect of me that really needs that sort of connection is foreign now. Completely and utterly foreign and it is at a stage where it is completely away from being connected.
When Melvin died, I was not saddened. I was almost indifferent. His family and his other friends may see this as a cold hearted gesture, but they simply do not and most likely will never understand. That is another reason why I am mind boggled by the religious who grieve for their lost ones as human bodies. If their ‘God’ is omniscient, then it is in ‘God’s’ will that their deaths will happen. If it is their ‘God’s’ will that it will happen, therefore, it is all a part of the great invisible plan. Which means, it is all a part of their religious vows to die at their given times. Why grieve for what is required to happen by the hands of the almighty being in which they worship? This mind boggles me to no end. Alas, they can never see this because simply, they put faith in such theories of “what if”. Reminds me too much like Albert’s “what ifs”.
Anyway, religious rabble really get to me. Away from such misdeeds of humanity, shall we?
I said in my latest email to Nancy:
Almost everyone around me seem to be living a life of urgency. That, one must keep in touch with their friends and family, else, they lose that connection. Are bonds so frail, that one must keep in constant contact? I understand that human bodies are ‘short’ in comparison to the age and constance of the universe, but maybe that is my ‘problem’? I live my life as if I have hundreds of years, maybe even thousands of years to live. However, I don’t think that I can live beyond 90 to 95. No, it’s just my approach to life. Indeed, the urgency of health and the urgency of having financial stability is a given, but the urgency of living, to enjoy the infinite steps between 1 second to 2 seconds, to just go where the currents naturally direct us all – all of this is awesome.
I do not put up a facade that masks my feelings, my true feelings. No. What I do is live a conditioned life, where my feelings are secondary. I bring myself to a point to resolving matters that are brought up, if they relate to me.
Indirectly, I often wonder: Patrick and Jason talks about racing teams and cycling across Canada and doing all these rides, but I wonder if they say those things because it is what I really want or do they say them because it is something they want. I don’t put ANY hope in anything they say regarding to cycling. This may seem blunt and it is. Like what I said earlier, my feelings are secondary. I want to have my own team of riders. I want to ride to Calgary, to Prince Edward Island, to Southern California, to New York, fly to Japan and ride from North to South with my team, but those are MY dreams. They aren’t anyone else’s. Patrick wants to travel and experience different journeys that may boost his own concept of self-worth. Jason just wants to experience life as his spiritual alignment to his religion gives him. I view the world as a medium, a series of creative tools to help paint my canvas.
I want to say so much more, but my blogs fall on deaf ears. I will die one day, knowing I lived my life as I intended it. No one can share that with me. Only in stories, may others hear about it, a little.
Cheap Port, is really cheap Port.
For awhile, I looked forward to my correspondences with my special friend that I truly adored. I think about her every day. Her picture is in my wallet. I wish I can give her my kisses and receive hers. However, I live my life as I chose it. No one out there can understand that. Some believe I am stupid for taking care of my parents, which includes my little brother. Some think I am courageous to brave aloneness forever, risking the rest of my life void of love and intimacy for the security and welfare of my mother and father. Most are indifferent.
I live for my parents. All that is secondary includes riding across Canada with my friends. All that is secondary includes having a cat companion, from new born kitten to old age. All that is secondary is to completely destroy myself in Taylor Fladgate, aged 25 years and die in my castle, secluded to the mental chess battle I have long formed since my childhood.
It sucks that Jonathan would not accept to be my ‘second’ in applying my dying wishes. He ‘advised’ me to look up a legal advisor. Well, he is smart and I never questioned his relationship to me, as my brother. It’s just that… I felt even more alone when he denied me.
I will not say how, where and who, but apparently, my mom is a concubine reincarnate who in this lifetime, seeks to acquire power for her son, which is me. Unfortunately, it is not my time to acquire power. My thoughts are too immature. My ancestor was able to become an emperor from being a farmer. I am still a farmer. It is not my time.
I wish that someone out there would understand, but there is none. Jason is kind of close. Which is a ‘blessing’ for a few seconds. That is not to say I do not value my friendships with my other various confidants, but I just wish there was someone out there who is as open as the canvas that was allowed me.
Love, intimacy… As Jason and even Thomas would know it, can never be achieved with the authority of a confidant – a true confidant.
I am eating cheesy fishy crackers.