Tune: “Kokoro no Kakera” by Hirasawa Hiroko (Tanaka Ryouko)
Mood: Friggin aching every where
Drink: Warm honey water
NO MORE WINE tonight.
A couple of days ago, someone emailed me with her relationship-related problems. Don’t worry, I won’t reveal her name here.
She was married but in an outside intimate relationship with someone else who was also married. After half a year, she finds that she still has lingering emotions for the man she had an affair with. She asked me with my limited knowledge of her situation if her ex-lover genuinely loved her or simply using her for sex, and how she can move on without feeling sad.
This was what I said to her:
It was very possible that he indeed did love you, but whether that love was a soul-to-soul type of love or a whimsical lust is debatable. Either or, I’ll explain to you how this works.
He had a marriage he was not satisfied with, so he started an outside relationship with you. He probably found things compatible with you that he did not with his wife. So he had that certain bond with you. Sex obviously was the primary factor in his connection with you. As you know, sex is a pleasurable thing. It eases tension temporarily and allows oneself to feel something besides pain and frustration. So you gave him that, and he was most likely really fond of you.
There is a contradictory meaning with the splitting up families thing. He said that he did not want to be the one to split your family up, but in reality, he doesn’t want to bring it about to his own wife that he had hurt her by having outside intimacy. As you clearly know now since you’ve been apart from your ex-husband is why people cheat for the most part. It’s because the person is unsatisfied in the relationship. To tell his wife that he was unsatisfied with her and that he probably no longer loved her the way it used to be, probably most likely, was something he did not want to do. Thus saying that he did not want to be the one to split up your family was really just a scapegoat.
You see now it’s a bit complicated? Human justified obstacles… [sighs]
However, that’s not to say he didn’t have genuine feelings for you. He may not have been completely truthful to you, but you have to look at survival here. When an individual commits something insincere, a lie must continue, and to protect him or herself, he or she must continue to lie one way or another, and even put him or herself in situations where he or she can justify his actions and reactions. So think, even if he had genuine feelings for you, exactly how sincere was he?
So this comes back to whether his love was a soul-to-soul sort of love or a whimsical lust. If Soul-to-Soul, it means you two had more than just sex. It meant that when you were with him, you felt that he had more than just the physical touch followed by whispers of grandeur. This is something only you will know.
However, if this is whimsical lust, then simply he adored you for the moment. It’s not to say he didn’t love you, or that the love he had for you was fake. No, on the contrary. It just meant that you filled in a void that he missed for a long time and he grew to connect with you that way. Hence the other relationship he had for 9 months.
If I had to say, it looks a lot like whimsical lust.
On top of that, I have to say that I have not mentioned the possibility that he only used you for sex without love because ultimately, I can only tell you so much based on my limited perception of this situation you have.
As for moving on, you will feel sad regardless. This is apparent when you said it has been six months ago.
I can relate in terms of moving away from sadness. In a past failed relationship, it took me a good year and a half to get over someone, but what I learned over the next few years, after more failed relationships of varying natures, was that the whole issue of moving on is dependent on a few factors:
– your friends
– your environment
– your family
– your career
– your hobbies/interests
– and how in-tuned you are with yourself
As I aged, every failed relationship I went through took barely a month to move on. Reason being, I had a combination of factors to help me, plus, staying complacent to one emotion dulls out my senses. Wouldn’t you agree?
With that said, can you come to your own personal conclusions, and what you can do for yourself to move on?
Aside from this issue, I’ve always said to everyone that if you feel unsatisfied in your relationship, then you have to either work towards the core of those problems and work out the problems between you two, or break up and refocus yourself before attempting for another relationship of sorts. Over the years, I’ve heard all sorts of excuses for not breaking up, but in every single case, there was always a negative action that happened along the way. Never once, in the dozen scenarios that popped up with problematic relationships did a continuing one ever had a non-negative situation happen eventually. It always ended up with one or both partners cheating on each other – every single one of them. That’s twelve in six years.
Problem is, even when they come to me for advice, 8 of those 12 never act on what I suggest. The three or four that did act on what I suggested found out after that they were being cheated on while they were working out their problems.
Mind you, these problems were the worst of them. Indeed there were ones that had obvious incompatibility problems. Most of those ones were solved or dissolved without cheating going on for the most part.
You know what sucks? Is to see a girl cry, or to see anyone cry. It really breaks my heart to have to witness that. [ponders for a moment] Further, afterwards, people on the street think I spilled juice on my chest or my shoulders. Yeah… Well, at least it’s not on my crotch. Hahaha… Ah, yeah…
Anyway, like Jon and I had talked about before, we just can’t understand why people cheat. If you’re unsatisfied with your relationship with these damn problems that keep repeating itself in the same form or a similar form, then break up. It’s better for both of you, BUT NOOOOOOOooooo, you have to stick with it, cuz of this and that justification. [shakes my head] Hey, I may not know all, and I may actually not cater to a lot of your emotions – in other words, I don’t sugar coat my words and say things you want me to say, but I say what I believe and have witnessed for years, and have felt and experienced over the last decade.
In short: there is no justifiable excuse.
Nevertheless, the time for scolding has long passed. The situation now is that she needed some guidance, and I was there to wilingly help her.
I’m the type of friend who will rather lose your friendship and be myself to help you or help the situation for what I think is the better outcome, than to stay quiet and stay complacent to problems with obvious solutions. Mind you, at this day and age, if we lose our friendships, I don’t bother much with anything after that. In short: it’s a waste of my time and energy if you continue to shit in your pants and wear the same damn thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
So to the person whom the email was addressed to, if you happen on this entry, I am not scolding you for a past deed. That would be meaningless and wasted effort. In fact, I will continue to suggest mediums in which you can relieve yourself of those lingering emotions. Actually, like Jon had once mentioned, love always continues on in memories. He doesn’t really stop loving that person, regardless of what they have done (within reason), but reality is that the focus is today, not yesteryear.