For the last few days, I’ve been especially down and I think the whole thing with Pete three days ago really sparked the active down-ness. After I read his 2nd post in the forums and after everyone including myself defended ourselves and made it seem like we were ganging up on him, I felt extremely depressed. I knew he was a sensitive guy since from years ago and after that, I knew he was going to take it pretty hard. Then it happened. He left us all.

As the GM of a guild, I do not consider myself the “Big Boss”. I just consider myself as part of the management team. In Pete’s last essay post in our Secret Treehouse, he remarked that he felt amongst other things that as a guild, we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, that we shouldn’t have a secret meeting place to talk behind other people’s backs. I disagreed with him greatly. However, instead of reiterating our entire conversation here, I will just say that when a guild gets big enough, officers need a place to discuss how to direct the guild and how to handle certain people – ALL THE WHILE keeping in mind their personalities, the stability of the guild and the overall representation of our name.

In short: some people have short tempers, others are very patient and tolerant. Some people are very sensitive and sweet, while others may be blunt and apathetic. Some people might need to be talked a certain way to be considerate towards their personalities and way of thought. Some others might desire straight-up, no BS sort of direct answers.

I support the “Knights of the Round Table” sort of management, but as such, those that follow us and are what could be considered our ‘brethren’, ‘should’ also give their trust to us. So far in the last 1.5 years, have we once steered the guild in a way in which to compromise our fun and friendship? Have we once mete out punishment unfairly? Have we once refuse to hear the suggestions and feelings of our guild members? Never. We have always listened and reacted accordingly. When an officer suggested an action for punishment, I always looked at it with a more caring eye and always suggested “another chance”.

There is one thing Pete could not take into consideration and that was as management, as officers, we have to think objectively. We have to think with an open BUT considerate mind. We cannot just act on the notion of impulse. Sure, someone like Mel might be able to handle our opinions and suggestions, but can Pete guarantee that the other roughly 40 guild members we have can also handle it? Has he never thought that some people does not react the same way as Mel? Mel over a year ago, had destructive tendencies and she even said herself that sometimes she needed to be reminded that she ‘shouldn’t’ go off on people like that. As officers, sometimes we vent, sometimes we blow off some heat, but we do that IN CONSIDERATION of those we are venting about. After we do that, it’s gone. It’s water under the bridge. It’s where the officers, the managers blow off some steam where we normally couldn’t or shouldn’t.

Pete has his heart in the right place and in theory would have made a great Captain, but in practice, he was too emotionally charged. That is fine and I think that’s fantastic as a friend, but as an officer, one must look at things much farther into the horizon and beyond that.

I could not post this at the forums because I didn’t want to re-stir this topic up again when people there are doing their best to ‘heal’ from this loss. Yes, it IS a loss because we lost a great partner and friend and of course, a great tank ^_~.

I am sorry that we sounded so harsh and felt as though we were ganging up on him and I think my emotions of injustice took over, as well as my ‘professional’ stance on how management should be like. However, ultimately, this was just a matter of personal opinion and our differences on that. In fact, I was going to ask Mel to ask him to come back ‘home’ in a few days after things cool down. Alas, he is gone to sort out his own life, something he wanted to do awhile ago anyway. His Captain’s seat is still opened, when one day, if he decides to come back. He will be missed and I hope he knows that.

And on that bombshell: doesn’t the Fake Baby Eating Cannibal resemble Jonathan of the Tsang Kingdom? DON’T THEY LOOK LIKE BROTHERS?!?!?! Coincidence? I THINK NOT! O_O

Take Jason for example. He’s staying at his uncle’s place in Calgary. Jason was given a chance to find work and stay with his uncle in Calgary and as such, has found a great job all thanks to his uncle giving him a place to crash. His uncle’s family is a religious family and they go to church multiple times a week and have many bible study sessions at home as well. In Jason’s ultra empathetic gratitude towards his uncle’s family, he has agreed to go to church with them, religious events and now, stopped using the internet because he feels it is rude when they are having a bible study session in that house.

Can someone please wake me up or at least tell me why he feels that it is rude for telling the religious family that he doesn’t want to go to church because he is not Christian? Can someone enlighten me why he can’t stay inside his bedroom, to use his laptop to use the internet when the family is having bible study downstairs?

I mean seriously: what does the family’s religious affiliation and events have anything to do with him and what he does with his private time and space? Firstly, he was invited and his uncle knew he is agnostic and not religious. Second, his uncle never forced him to go to church.

I cannot grasp why someone would be super ultra empathetic this way? I cannot help but see Jason sometimes as a pushover for letting people take advantage of him and letting others step all over him. Sure, this “I am a guest at his house and surfing the net after a long day of work in the privacy of my own room” *might* be considered rude, but I personally feel this is taking it way too far. I am surprised he doesn’t stand at their beck and call every day, every waking hour. Heck, I am surprised he doesn’t stand at a street corner waiting for those in need and help them cross the street out of good will.

Jason isn’t the only one. He is just one of two experiences I’ve observed. Amber being the other.

Whenever Amber goes back to her sister’s place, she cannot use the internet, BUT she can help her nieces with homework, play games with her nieces, cook, clean, do the laundry, vacuum, take the dogs out, care for the dogs, help the sister with chores and all other servitude jobs, BUT she cannot bring her laptop upstairs to talk on MSN or surf the net or do anything with her laptop in fact.

WHAT

THE

HELL?

She says that her sister and mom considers it rude. Oh right: it’s rude for her to use her laptop when there is nothing else to do but sit around and enjoy dust floating in the air and doing chores, but it’s not rude for her sister and mom to borrow money from her and pay her back in tiny bits AFTER they spend money on a tv, a puppy and an Android phone? What sort of world do we live in seriously?

When I look at Jason’s super ultra empathetic gratitude towards his uncle’s family and Amber’s mom and sister, I truly feel that I am living in a Twilight Zone episode. There is a time and place to show gratitude and there is obviously a way to be tactful when not trying to overstay one’s welcome as a guest.

My mom and I had a talk about this awhile ago, in particular to Amber’s situation and she gave me exactly what I expected in expressions: o_O I said to her after, that if my brother who moved out a few years ago, came back here one day and took out his laptop, I would not even think for a second that it’s rude for him to do so. In fact, if my brother came home and for some reason, I became a Hindu and I was having some scripture studies with my buddies, I would not think for a moment as rude, if he decided to go upstairs to the computer room to use the internet. My mom shared my thoughts as well and chuckled at the notion of how some people can find something so utterly mundane and normal as being rude, especially in your own family’s house. It’s not like my brother is going to move in suddenly with his dog, his belongings and leech off of us for the next few months.

For Jason, I give you a silver WTF medal of the month. For Amber, I award your mom and your sister a bronze WTF medal of the month and for you honey, I gave you a nominated WTF of the month certificate. Please cherish them as you both cherish redundant mundane standards of gratitude.

Check this out: How to be a good house guest? – common sense I would think? Just don’t overdo the “being good” part.

—>

Listed below are five flawed personality traits that I believe can seriously affect the physical beauty of individuals. I have also included the opposite, positive traits that can enhance one’s beauty. Let’s see if you agree with my choices, and I certainly welcome any additional recommendations.

1) Conceitedness vs. Confidence

Conceited individuals are annoying because they have an excessively high opinion of their abilities, appearance and material things. These people like to show off and brag about their possessions and skills. They tend to be very rude, self-centered, arrogant and extremely insecure.

Confident people are aware of their attributes and do not have the need or desire to tell the world about them. They are comfortable in their own skin and never feel threatened by other individuals’ talents or accomplishments. Traits commonly found in confident people include eye contact during conversation; clear, audible speech patterns, without yelling; firm handshake; and tall, straight posture.

2) Grimness vs. Humorousness

I call this characteristic the “party-pooper trait,” as grim people seem to be unhappy or angry about everything. They complain and find fault in every person, place or thing and are just no fun to be around. These people are usually gloomy because they have not mastered the ability to be happy with themselves. They are not clinically depressed, just miserable.

Humorous, witty people are entertaining and fun. Often, their humor is self-effacing and good-natured when joking with others. They don’t try to be hurtful with their jokes. Humor can be used to defuse angry situations and is always helpful when making a first impression.

3) Selfishness vs. Honest Interest In Others

Selfishness denotes an excessive or exclusive concern with oneself and goes beyond normal self-interest or self-concern. These people demonstrate a disregard for others and openly express their need to devote all their energy to their own agenda. Selfish people have a great, inherent desire to control situations and people and are unwilling to reach compromises with others.

Individuals with honest interest in others are extremely likable. The interest must be genuine; otherwise the charade is obvious and offensive. They have the ability to coax people to talk about themselves or share interesting experiences. They are curious, ask questions and listen intently to the answers. They have the amazing ability to allow people around them to the feel important, a powerful attribute!

4) Cynicism vs. Optimism

These curmudgeons have a dim worldview. Their pessimistic nature often is linked to a failure to achieve personal goals. They are tiring because their cynical views can be depressing.

Optimists look at a difficult situation and realize that things can be much worse. Numerous studies have suggested that optimism is an effective tool in overcoming trauma, illness and depression. It is simply more desirable to spend time with positive individuals.

5) Narcissism vs. Healthy Vanity

Narcissists are like conceited individuals on steroids. They have an inflated sense of their own self-importance and the deep need for admiration. They monopolize conversations and have controlling personalities.

“Healthy vanity” is a positive trait in which a person has a realistically high self-esteem and is modestly confident. People with healthy vanity have a level-headed view of themselves, good and bad.

Each of these personality flaws can be changed or altered in a positive fashion. Doing so will make you a happier, more beautiful person… or should I say “less ugly”?

<—

So what percentages do you think you feel you are? For myself, I think:

1) Conceitedness = 1%, Confidence = 99%
2) Grimness = 0%, Humorousness = 100%
3) Selfishness = 50%, Honest Interest In Others = 50%
4) Cynicism = 30%, Optimism = 70%
5) Narcissism = 10%, Healthy Vanity = 90%

For #1, I may not necessarily be completely confident about my abilities and I do tend to think I am not all that attractive in a physical sense, but for as far back as I can remember, I have always looked down on bragging about things excessively. I do tend to brag about certain things like how much gold I made in World of Warcraft to my friends who play the game, but beyond that, I keep quiet. Sometimes I may rant about a certain designer who does crap work and how he is in no position to boss me around, etc, but overall, I keep a pretty level head and feel I’m pretty humble in that respect.

Patrick may disagree with me on #2 for having zero on Grimness because I tend to spout out how unhappy and miserable I am when I am drunk. There is a very deep aspect of my emotional core that brings me down into the pits of misery, but I don’t deliberately dig into my core so I can spread my misery to others. I also tend to become ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ when I feel someone has a tendency to only express one side of a story. Otherwise, I feel that I am quite ‘balanced’ in my beliefs.

For #3, I have become this way, but I wasn’t always like this. I was definitely much more interested in others than I am today, but the fact was that after awhile, everyone is generally the same and it gets repetitive in genuine interest.

For #4, I am a mix of idealism, optimism and skepticism. I believe this sort of mix is a good balance of attaining realistic goals and outlooks. Otherwise, 100% optimism is a delusional trait.

For #5, I’m primarily into Healthy Vanity, but I do tend to have a bit of Narcissism as well especially in written/typed literature. I tend to laugh ‘with myself’ when I re-read some of the debates I express. In other words, I adore most of my own super logical thinking and expressions, but beyond that, I pretty much have a balanced concept of myself. My close friends know that I am zero in controlling maniac. Though I’m sure Amber might have felt I was controlling in some aspects. I guess it really depends what we’re talking about, but thus far, I feel I am definitely not a controlling individual.

The only person I’ve known… Actually no never mind. Laura, you can ask me later when I finally come out of my hermit shell.

Patrick took me out to a pasta place for my birthday. What a nice cozy place. That was about half a month ago. Thanks for all your birthday wishes, but honestly, wish all of you forgot about it. Amber also called and sang me the happy birthday song. So sweet.

Tune: “By Your Side” by Sade

I’ll tell you what I miss though… I miss the days or nights where half a bottle shared between two people sitting across from each other in a dark room listening to music like this, solved the evening’s stresses and achieved relief from the week’s work woes – amongst other memorable days and evenings.

At times, I remind myself: “It’s not a bargaining chip to do things for others” and I try my best naturally ‘try’ my best to never feel or think that what I do is a bargaining chip for anything. I cannot expect others to be as perceptive and ‘omniscient’ as I am. ;)

Bed time. Good night Leeman.

Over the years, I’ve told Jon that I do not regret anything, then later on, I told him the opposite and I remembered that he asked at that time, “I thought you did not regret anything?” I felt that he had a slight of disappointment in his question. Ever since, I’ve remembered his words. I would like to say that I don’t know what it was that made me remember it so clearly and why I think of it so often, but obviously, I do know why.

Sometimes, though Jon’s experiences are not nearly what I’ve experienced, his inner calm feels infinitely more ‘wise’ than my own intuitions and that’s what made me realize how terrible I feel since my cruise at the Caribbean as his best man. He will never admit it nor even think of it that way, but I feel as though I’ve let him down as a friend and as brother.

In front of me is a Buddhist folk charm – a jade trinket that was buried with my grandfather on my dad’s side for about ten years, then taken out and given out to his family. I received three trinkets: this jade trinket that I wear around my neck every time I make an outdoor venture with my friends and a couple of old Chinese ‘coins’, one of which I gave to my mentor, Graeme Swan. The remaining coin is around the doorknob to my bedroom.

The idea is that the living essence of my grandfather resides with these trinkets and with these blessed trinkets, they are meant as a ‘first wall of defense’ against misfortune. If you ask me do I believe that these trinkets really ward off evil and misfortune, I will say, “Not really”. A tad uncertain there eh? No, not at all. I do not believe in ghosts, nor gods, nor magic, but I do believe that the power of our minds and emotions often create a collective greater than ourselves, which easily translates to a common good. I believe what my emotions tell me, therefore, ghosts, gods and magic ‘DO’ exist in here (points to my heart). These things yield a power greater than logic and reasoning, but it will always only be in here, as my grandfather is, my grandmother and in the future, my mom and dad and all those who pass before me. It is all inevitable.

When I was hurting, the majority of my senses was hurting, but at the same time, my logic kept calculating all my feelings and thoughts. I always thought: “I must not burden others”, yet, I seem to do so at the expense of others.

I am glad that my fights with my mom these days are far and few and that we usually become ‘normal’ again after a night. There is no reason to hold onto grudges with loved ones. Our life is short and we must take our life times seriously enough to appreciate those close to us and the things dear to us. Regret is inevitable, but to hold onto those regrets only drains our lives away. Today, this evening, I learned this.

I guess when it comes down to it, I will only feel regret when I am faced with a situation where it mimics a similar experience I’ve had in the past, reliving that experience from my past in another form, but when I step back and replay the entire scenario again, I have this very tired smile, a nearly unnoticeable smile on my face. What is more important: to live miserably in the past, trying to fortify your future with hate and torment or to live calmly in the present, trying to build a road towards the future with love and friendship in mind?

It’s not easy, I know, but I just have to remind myself that it was people like my grandparents who had to struggle through a lot, so I can be here today.

From the City of Constellations
to the wanderer
and a Place of Rains
he journeys on…
…the City of hesitation and doubt
the Island of the house the colour of the sea
the Plain of Mementoes
he journeys on to find his love…
…the Valley of lost time
the City of End and Endlessness
the Isle of Revenents
he journeys on…
…the City of Solitudes
the City of the distance from you
the City of Words of blue
and yellow and red and green
he journeys on to find his love…

…where the road takes him throuh
the City of Sleep
the thinking that does not end is within him
Then he dreams
the road takes him
this man who is searching
it brings him
in silence through the night

where the Cities that do not Exist, exist
it brings him
in silence through the night
close to the City of Realisations;
it is here one finds the way…
…Mount Orison
the City of Days
the Tree of the lost
he journeys on…
…north of his love
a road through a valley of darkness
the islands that are not of this world
he journeys on to find his love…

It is a long way through darkness
to the way of the eremite
the eremite sings of the world and of
the journey of love, which is not lost in eternity
…the Valley where the moon is caught in the trees
water shows the hidden heart
endlong into midnight
he journeys on…
…the parable of day
the Room of Books
where the winds come to him and say…

I was just telling Amber the starting of a ‘story’, but really hesitated because she was in a hurry to go out. I particularly and very specifically hate spewing my thoughts under pressure, but it wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t able to deter from it properly at my current state. However, the purpose of this entry is first and foremostly an entry to apologize to my friends.

I’m sorry for being me.

Of course, many don’t know why I would say that and say there is nothing to be sorry about, but you know what I am talking about. If you don’t…

Some of you know for a fact, what I am talking about or at least, have a hint of it. I wish I can expose my massively and deeply buried thoughts to you, but here is something I said to Amber a few minutes ago, before she left:

it’s almost sad that I have these feelings
inside
deep deep deep inside of me
and it takes so much
just to get them out

When Jon was here a couple of weeks ago, by himself, I should have taken advantage of the situation. Damn it to hell! I should have done what I wanted to do for years. I might not have that chance again and I regret it and no damn it, I wasn’t going to kiss him. AH! FUCK! CRAP! Though I would have him bang my wife, if given the chance… ^_~

Alas, Martine might just tear my head off with her claws of glorious fury!

Anyway, Jason Lau said to me a couple of months ago that I have a job, a family, a house I am paying off, etc, etc, etc. Somehow all this matters. It does of course, but… I feel restless. Lately, I’ve been reacting very furiously towards certain topics.

Heh, even here I cannot say what I really want. Michelle would scold me plenty for not being how I was back in 2006 and 2007. Honestly, I fucking hate this. There is something I want to do, someone I want to be, but there is so much holding me back. Can someone help me? Can someone rescue me from this? I feel as though the entire universe is on my shoulders and damn it, it’s so fucking hard to bare alone.

I am a shell of who I was.

My friends, like my family… Let me rephrase that… No fuck it. You know what I mean. The lot of you are so nice to me, but I am so not nice. I will not make excuses for it, but I just want to say it again: you know you are in my heart constantly. I constantly think about it and replay it in my mind. I utterly appreciate that. You know right? I know my actions these days don’t show much. I want to be strong for everyone, but honestly, I feel broken all over. I feel like a shattered glass vase, being held together by glue and tape.

I cannot be that conquering version of me again. I cannot be that guy who goes out there and fucks around the minds of both women and men, just to entertain Albert, my ego and at times, Jon. I cannot be that guy who spends the entire night, listening to your woes and generously offer my time and energy to you. These days, I need to do this. I know I know… There are people with much worst scenarios and I think about that. I really do. You know I do, but I am not them.

The gray and the silver. Ah, how I remember that one Winter night. Just us three. Damn you guys! DAMN IT!

Patrick told me he hates it when I call him when I become a sad drunk. So I mentally burned that thought into my mind. I am constantly hurting and I have no one to go to. So I rot from the inside.

I feel I am such a bad burden. Before Jon says anything to me in private, just let me say this… Sometimes, I think about what if that car ‘accident’ really killed me on that September morning in 1994… I cannot stand the idea that my parents would be heart broken. I just can’t, but I do think about it.

I know I am a later bloomer. I just wish that my parents can see it beforehand. I know one evening, I will sit there at the docks, overlooking the ocean, calm, as the sun sets calmly and my close friends will be in the house behind me, talking, having fun and I know some of them will wonder where I am. This will bring me a smile, even though I cannot truly hear their thoughts. Only one person ever knew this and of course I will not say it here ever, but when I told him, he smiled. He was the only person I could say only one verse and he knew the entire meaning.

I need more time.

Those that do not know me, has already put a label on me. For the rest of you, don’t disappoint me because I am already so damn disappointed at myself.

It’s not that I want to be left alone. I’ll tell you what Albert thought…

Cheh, did you know that Amber thinks I have a weak character? First person to ever say that to me since I was born. I have a weak heart with a impenetrable barrier.

Albert said to me as we stood there, across from Granville Island at 2 in the morning many years ago, that we see the same things, even if our hearts are in different places. Of course, less words were used. Jon never needed to use words. He was always just the brightest star in my void of a dark sky.

I’m staring at “Leemanism” here. I’ve had this blog for almost 5 years. More than a thousand entries later… Some hidden of course.

No one can rescue me but me. I know, but how nice it would be if I could stop building and refortifying my barriers to this prison castle of mine eh? I want to let you in. I really do. You have no idea, but…

Of course you don’t understand, just like I cannot truly feel what you feel.

I finally understand my parents.

I’m sorry for being me. You deserve better. I COULD have been an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer… But I am not. If I have today’s knowledge and ‘wisdom’ back when I was a teenager, I would NOT disappoint my parents. I will do everything that I HATE to make sure they live a better life. Be a better brother.

I’m only 31. Oops, soon to be 32. Why are you all so nice to me? Huh? I haven’t been around for the last 2 or 3 years. I need whiskey. This Port is starting wear off.

I cannot stand the fact that my brother is out there and he knows stuff. I wish I can adore and love him. I wish I wasn’t so selfish. I wish I THOUGHT about HIS feelings, growing up. Heh, you know?

My heart physically hurts so fucking much. Every day, I LIVE with this. I live with all of these things. BUT of course, my ‘problems’ are nothing compared to others. Of course.

BUT I am not them.

I need someone to talk to. I’m sorry, I just do. I’ve been holding this shit in for about 24 years… Almost 25. I can’t tell you because I am hurting like crazy. Just because I laugh, just because I enjoy hiking and seeing the view, enjoy your company, laugh and smile, I do genuinely and I am strong for my family – I am hurting as if I am constantly being stabbed in my heart. I hold it quite well. Marlon once said, right off the bat, at like 10pm a few years ago, “Lee, you look very tired.” He wasn’t talking about me being physically tired, but emotionally. I am so worn out. I want to rest, but then I think about my dad and think about what he went through and I cry in despair that I am truly and utterly pathetic. Why can’t I be like my father? Why?

He must be so disappointed in me.

This was originally posted at a forum responding to a girl who asked why her penpal friends would suddenly disappear without telling her why. I responded in two posts:

My first response::

This depends on how you define a friend. I think too many people use “friend” too loosely.

Her follow-up:

Yes you are right the term “friend” is used too loosely alot of the times.
So I shouldn’t really waste my time trying to meet people because if they are tired of you then the communicating will just stop. Leaving me wondering what happened or what I did wrong.

Then my last response:

Effort can only be wasted in hindsight. Many people interpret it like this: “If something goes well, then it isn’t wasted. If something goes wrong, then it’s wasted.” Therefore, you can never know whether it is wasted or not if you don’t try. It’s like everything we do: job/career, a project, giving advice, giving our love, giving our friendship, giving our trust, giving our bodies, giving our all.

Too many people try and try and try and keep failing, but these people continue to let past experiences go to waste because they fail to learn, to look at the mistakes, the process. Those that allow themselves to indulge in experiences also should learn to be more cautious. However, be cautious, not paranoid.

We should not cut ourselves short of potentially great friendships, just because of a few setbacks.

I should stop drinking this tea at midnight! BTW, did any of you Richmonites see the Torch Bearer run by on Steveston Hwy yesterday?