Ah… I remember the time when we ran into all those dead-ends, wrong turns, and difficult terrains but you know what? I kinda hoped that would happen because where’s the fun without any obstacles and challenges eh? My friend Adam said this to me before he left to join the Army, “The most interesting people are those who take the longest to figure out what they want to do in their lives” =)

“There are many paths in life, all leading every which way. At times it may be too dark to see the paths, or we may choose a path that says no entry. However the paths we choose make for the people that we are. Without these walks in life we get bored, tired and stagnant. We lose that spark that every human being has, that light, that life. Be who you want to be, walk where you want to walk, love who you want to love, and make life what you want to make it.” – Samantha L.

So what the hell happened between then and now?

However, before I get to that, I want to thank my friends for an awesome, laid-back week of birthday greets and well wishes. Keeping it simple is really the way to go.

^o^

There’s more I want to say, but I am super tired and weighing whether I should go to bed first or eat something first. I’ll have Fruit Loops then. Yep, I finally managed to encourage my mom to get me a box the other day. After 16 years, I finally get to eat Fruit Loops again!

Today, Jason Ding, Laura Yang and Patrick Leung took me out to a few drinks and chit chat. That was awesome. As I am the ‘gift’ to my mom and my dad, my friends are my gift to me. That is all.

Albert may never realize this, but I valued his friendship greatly. I did look to him as one of my brothers. It didn’t take impulsiveness to ‘wipe away’ that label. It took a build-up experiences to rid him as that. Indeed, I think about what we had every now and then, but that is just that – sentimental memories.

I know Patrick mentions I should give him a call, but what he doesn’t realize is that a rooted friendship pulled out from the depths means a friendship that has been dug up. “Friendship” to me is shared vision, shared connection – a flow, even with our differences.

One of my favorite tunes. “Creep” by Radiohead.

My mind, my heart is like this song. Even the lyrics.

I think unlike my friends, I have grown cold to the idea of helping others. The lingering desire is still there. I am still human. However, being so far out, so foreign to social humans, I am like an ancient wasp, defrosted from an eon of sleep. Large and ugly, with spikes and huge eyes, huge fuzzy wings and large jagged pincers. It’s amazing humans allow me to live. I’m almost surprised that humans haven’t formed a huge mob to come strike me to death.

Amazing isn’t it?

I haven’t touched Cockburn Port for a few weeks now, but about 15 minutes ago, I just needed it and I downed two shots. I feel fucking great, but you know what? I need to drop into bed in less than 15 minutes.

I hate World of Warcraft, but I hate it as much as I love it.

I started talking with Patrick recently, sharing my thoughts. Right now, they are on a second onion layer of thoughts and emotions, but in time, I will ease him in there. Sometimes, I think back on the nights I’ve shared my thoughts with Albert and wonder if I can take any of my friends now to those depths. The problem is how I perceive the social perceptions of my current friends. I ‘test’ them constantly and unfortunately, they have over and over again told me they are one with common society.

Patrick asked me a couple of nights ago if I missed Albert and Jenny. I told him that I missed our moments, moments in our past, but I don’t miss them as they have become now. My mom asked me a few weeks ago if I would seek Albert out again and I told her that I cannot be friends with ill-tempered petty controlling people.

When Jason expressed his ill-temper last Wednesday, over what I perceived as unreasonable and lopsided at the time, it reminded me of Albert. That completely went away when he apologized to me. Which is something Albert has never done sincerely. He has only done regretfully, but to mean it, was another thing.

I look back on the last ten years and I kept thinking about Jessica. I think our friendship was pretty tight, but I was immature and too complicated. I developed a crush on her and as Michelle had pointed out before, I found ways to go screw it up and I did.

I think a perfect intimate relationship for me is if the situation divided us, therefore, separating us mutually. I’m pretty sure I am incapable of long term intimate relationships, because I would eventually scare or irritate my lover away. Seriously, I’m in the wrong business. I want to be a race car driver. I want to be a super bike racer. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to be fast and free. Maybe in my next life time, if there is one. Maybe what I have no learned in this life time, I can learn in my next.

There is one person I constantly think about as someone I can truly share my thoughts to, without receiving social judgment and she is Kristl Buckland. She is someone who has a very personal relationship with the universe. However, she is not my confidant – one of, but not THE one. I think ultimately, THE one is non-existing. Especially, not with my current position.

I wonder though, if Jason has noticed… If he has noticed that he’s standing still while everyone else as one group is moving to some place else right? Maybe. Maybe I give him too much credit, but he remind me of me in many ways, minus the temper, minus the close-to-six-figures-you-make, minus the Catholic background, minus the Jesus-loving freak part, minus the Korean girl fetish and minus the burnt knees…

I constantly see this. I can’t name names here, because it’s lame if I do, but it’s constantly on my mind. Evolution of the community. Lovely. Fucking lovely.

Time for bed.

After that, I fell completely asleep around 8am, woke up to my 9:51am alarm, drove my dad to work, called in sick again. Yeah, three days straight.

I had a dream, a very interesting intuition-induced dream. One I have not had for a very long time. These are the sort of dreams where people of religion interpret it as their god(s) speaking to them. My interpretation is simple and has been for the last twenty years. I call them “intuition-induced dreams”. They are dreams that initiate a phase to allow me to rid excess and concentrate on the core.

Today’s dream put me into a warehouse where there were derelict arcade machines, a pool table and an older computer. The warehouse was next to the docks, next to the ocean or river or lake. My cousin Brandon came over to visit me, but I was very tired and wanted my own time. So I tried locking myself up in the warehouse, but he managed to get in with his sister behind him, along with another woman, a bit older, wearing a conservatively longer skirt, glasses, a bluish blouse, with her bluish hair tied up. I did not recognize her, but she did resembled Grace O’Connor.

After some vague events, I ended up at a garden, much like the ones around QE Park and Kristl was there. I ended up hugging her and somehow, fell on top of her, while still hugging. I noticed one considerable difference in that hug versus the hugs I’ve made in reality. Foremost, her breasts were slightly larger and rounder in my dream. They were also quite nice and firm. This was something specific I noticed from my dream. Second, as I laid on top of her, I actually felt very uncomfortable because I am at my second week after my shot and this meant I would be very turned on by just the closeness and touch of another girl. Yet, she didn’t seem to mind at all and I think that’s the thing, especially and very specifically with Kristl.

To elaborate, I have always seen and connected with Kristl on a completely different level, especially comparing with my connections with ALL of my other female friends. I’ve mentioned this before and I will mention it again; Kristl is a very comfortable person to be with, especially on a one-on-one rendezvous. Her words are inspiring and her mind is something I can adore.

One thing that have stuck with me for I think will be the rest of my life, possibly into my next life, is that she once said that she is happy that no matter what happens between us, everything will always be good and the same. She’s completely correct. Mind you, I have not seen her for about a year and a half now, due to a vast list of reasons, but ultimately, it is simply because I am selfishly trying not to dilute myself any further, as I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008. This year was my year for meditation. I enjoy and honor my friendship with her and hope she would accept that, until hopefully, the near future where I will see her again.

This may be strange to the bulk of you, but it takes more freed mental sockets to connect with those that can connect with me on a spiritual sense. Those that cannot connect with me on a completely spiritual sense, but still can connect with me beyond the surface, takes only energy. “Freed mental sockets” means, I clear way for the other person’s own thoughts, to be shared with me. It’s like the uncommon wine and dine of exquisite foods and liquor.

ANYWAY, so back to the dream, I laid on top of her, hugging her and she asked me what it was that I needed. I was afraid of moving around in that position because if I were to move around in any way, something ‘odd’ may develop below, so I remembered I moved very very very very little and concentrated on her question. It took me awhile to answer because I answered completely genuinely, sub-consciously knowing that I was actually dreaming, that I was actually really talking with myself.

The first thing of two things I said was, “I need sex.” I did not give any reasons as to why I needed sex. She brushed the back of my head and I continued, “The other thing I really need is love, but my core is emptied.” At that moment, I imagined the blackened peaks of Black Tusk or The Lions, without the snow and ice and as I elaborated on that, I continued to imagined the peak of those mountains. I told her, “It was once green and lush, at my core.” At this moment, I imagined the peak of that mountain covered with greenery. “However, now, it’s bare and empty.”

I stopped for a bit as I noticed that she nodded slightly and gave me a tighter hug, then I continued, “I know that I can regrow that lushness again, but that means I will have to change myself.” At this point, Kristl shook her head in disagreement, but at the same time, I quickly ‘corrected’ myself, “I mean, not change but add new. Add more possibly.” At this point, she nodded slightly again and I continued, “I know what I can do to make it all green again, if that means to add something new to my life.”

Throughout this entire experience, while answering her question, I also thought about a ‘mind meld’ that Kristl did with me just as we fell down in the beginning. For a brief moment, she went into my mind and saw what I was struggling with. For a moment there, she had a complete connection with me, no walls, no barriers. Therefore, she verbally asked me that question. She knew what I needed, but wanted me to say it.

In reality, Kristl represents my core. My core knows what I want, how to achieve what I want and most of the major steps in doing them. The fact that I was holding her in that intimate position, was because my core is me, at the rawness of my very being – that I try not to put emphasize on, but apparently, ‘Kristl’ had simply reached out to me – my core reached out to me, to tell me that I can’t just brush it aside.

Now to clarify with my other friends, the way I see Kristl, as in the human person, is not simply another female nor just another friend. I have not yet developed enough of a relationship with Kristl, but I can almost apply a fictional metaphor to it. Guinan in Star Trek lore is Kristl and John Luc Picard is me. Not nearly as ancient, but that’s the way I feel. Indeed, I do have sexual attraction towards her, but know that I am a human male with the intricacies of the human male mind and bodily functions. However, as said, it is on a completely different level, at least I surmise as that. To clarify, it means I react to the sexual aspect as I naturally should. I don’t react to it because I want to sleep with her, which her brother thought.

I have to admit though, when Tom asked me suddenly out of the blue, my response was so messed up. I was obviously not prepared. I remembered I mentioned this with one of my other friends and he was like, “Man, that’s funny. I can see how you sound insincere, even if you were.” [sighs and laughs]

Anyhow, the dream is quite empowering, even on a soft note. The last time I had an intuition-induced dream was over a year ago, maybe even two years ago.

Most of yesterday, I thought about stuff. It is correct what I thought. I knew the answers of course. However, I already think about what I can do to help myself. Am I doing it? I am, which is an oddity because it is out of my norm. Though, I did forget to continue it yesterday. So I have to do it today.

I know if I don’t try, I will continue to regret, but at the same time, I fear of being discovered, discovered that I am less than what I was, becoming what I am. I fear that she would discover me as just a wretched human being that seek something that other humans want.

My friends may not know this, but my mom does. When I want to express desire and refuge, instead, I express equanimity and indifference. I did not have a bad childhood, but since my childhood, I have been conditioned to keep my cool and be self-reliant. The problem is that almost all of my emotions, mainly the more negative ones become bottled up, filtered, divided up and re-organized in my psyche. Over time, as I age, in the uncommon scenarios I indulge in wine and other liquor, I find those sealed wounds swell up as if they were recently slashed at. Therefore, I mainly drink alone at home, away from those that can see me from the inside out.

This early Autumn gave way some of that bottled up emotion. It was terrible at best. Waterfalls of tears poured out of my eyes, as I sat at a bar amongst some friends, trying to drink to my heart’s desire. It was embarrassing because I realized two things that night.

1) People protect themselves for the sake of keeping face

and

2) Honesty does not always mean a good person. Honesty basically means that a person is able to express him or herself more openly.

In my equanimity, I am almost dishonest with myself. So when I see my friends, I turn on the ‘goofball’ switch for two reasons.

1) To add fluff to the group

and

2) To open up a facet of my psyche, where I can vent a bit of myself without revealing other parts of my mind.

This may seem strange, but I have a question and it is constantly answered. I automatically always have a question in my head that is automatically always answered. I always ask it, even though it already has an answer.

You’re right Michelle, you’re right, but I’m not going to admit it. I already know what you’re going to say based on what you have already said and I accept it, but I am not going to admit. I won’t deny it. I just won’t admit it. I can’t because I choose not to, because I am a slave to my psyche. I put these bonds on myself, locking myself down, unwilling to move. I accept it, but I won’t admit it. I won’t even say it, but I accept it and I want to change it. No, wait. I want someone else to change it for me. Okay, I admitted a part of it. I want someone to change some of it for me. I am not going to say any more or you’re going to laugh at me. You won’t laugh to belittle me. You will laugh because I am foolish and because I know and accept that I am foolish.

I am hard on others, just as I am ‘hard’ on myself, but I don’t consider it hard. I consider it as logical and reasonable. Other people may require some pillow stuffing and cotton candy to soften the words, but I don’t like to be that soft. I have since my childhood, been self-reliant on my own happiness, until I was old enough to experience the emotional and physical comfort of a female, who willingly gave herself to me. At those times, I feel elated and comfortable, but at the same time, I was aware I am surrendering myself to that elation and comfort and that counters my upbringing. I feel ‘at home’ when I am by myself, riding those long distances on my bike, resting at the turn-around point, looking across the horizon, thinking about my travels, no matter how limited that reach was. I feel elated and comfortable when I am with my friends, but that reliance counters my upbringing.

In my visions, my friends, my family are all huddled together in a derelict building. I smile at each of them and sneak out when everyone is sleeping. The rest of the vision is left for another time, in person. There are far too many people with over-simplified mentalities. Why do I care what they think of me, a stranger? The question would better be asked, “Why do I care if I share my treasure with strangers?”

The question always has the answer. I ask the questions and I always have the answers. The answers are always correct, but I still ask the questions because I want to change, yet I am unwilling to change that much. Therefore, I want someone else to change a part of it for me. That’s all I am going to say.

Spongey dropped over around 10pm last night for a little chit chat and got me a booby from Taiwan. A BOOBY! Seriously!

Excluding Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuki Nagato, she also got me a postcard that I can cut out to build a paper gate shaped like Jingfu Gate in Taipei and a lighthouse key chain. I really like the booby. It’s a stress ‘ball’. It’s fun. ^_^

Prior to that, she got me a plastic sign from Taiwan with three Chinese characters that reads “Lady Market”. It’s on my door facing outwards. If you ever happen to visit my room, you might also find various key chains hanging on my walls. Make note of them and play with them. ^_~

As a token of being welcomed into my humble abode, she gave me a great dose of her usual ‘special’ aroma…

4:30am

^^ It was a nice cake.

This entry is roughly half a month overdue, but better late than never I guess.

Prior to a yummy birthday dinner my mom made Sunday Jan 13th, Benny took me out on the 11th to The Foggy Dew on #5 for a pitcher of Sleeman’s Honey Lager and some snacks. We talked mainly about naughty stuffs and a little about work. It was a fun and simple night. Then a day after the dinner at home, Laura showed up unexpectingly with two things that gave me a smile and a laugh.

^^ A day before my birthday, my mom cooked me up lobster, abalone, brocoli, and some other stuff. My dad bought a bottle of Yellow Tail Merlot and my brother got me a birthday cake.

^^ I try not to be wishy washy on semi-superstitious things, but I was making a nice wish of sorts as seen here…

^^ Laura called me late Monday night to see if she can come over. I was a bit surprised. She came over and the first thing she did was pull off her socks and rubbed her feet vigorously. The second thing she did was fart, followed by a burp and some more farting over the course of the night.

Seen here, I was holding up a calendar called “Nuns Having Fun”. YEAH BABY! Yeah! You see, Laura remembered! 83

^^ Not busty. Not big eyed. Not remotely close to being cute, but hey, they’re nuns having fun. NUNS HAVING FUN!

Laura also got me an outdoors’ book called “103 Hikes in South Western B.C.” Good stuffs! It’s nice to not have to search Google for hiking trails because I really hate staring into the monitor and looking through pages and pages of links for something I want, only to find crap info. The book is good. It’s GOOD!

Laura, wash your hands before you touch food or me… 8P

Also, thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday at Facebook.

5:50am