It was a ‘strange’ dream.

This brought me to remind myself of my past intimate relationships and realized that what I felt back then was obviously just pain and suffering. It was raw expression. Now that I think about it, what I could have done was celebrate the good things that happened and try to move away from the bad things. Harder said than done of course, but if I had been able to do that, I think my overall outlook in life would have been much more inspiring.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream where I was finally able to reach Virginia via phone calls. It had been a reoccurring nightmare for a few years after we stopped seeing each other in 2000 that every time I tried calling her, I would dial the wrong number or she would pick up and there was static noise or it was very short. This time, I called her multiple times and every time, it reached her and we talked for a long time in each of the calls.

I could not for the life of me understand why this ‘positive’ dream happened now. There is nothing I can relate to that is internal. There is also no one I can relate it to externally.

On that same note, I also had a dream that I kissed Vanessa last night. Mind you, that’s just a dream and again, I cannot relate that to anything. Dreams are usually metaphors of something else. I feel I needed to explain that for clarification, even though I ‘shouldn’t’ have to. /sigh

In another dream of the same morning, I was inside a large hotel or a cruise ship and I was walking in a long carpeted hallway towards one end with a huge crowd of people walking the same direction on the left side. Another huge crowd of people were walking towards us to the other end of the hallway that was behind us, on the right side. As I walked slowly pass the crowd on the right, I noticed Iris in that opposite crowd. As we were just about to pass each other, we looked at each other and I stopped very briefly, reached up to her face with my right hand, caressed her face with the back of my fingers gently as if I was appreciating her. In my dream, I felt her face on the back of my fingers. The touch was surreal and sensual and that sparked up a lot of subtle but deep emotion in me.

She smiled at me and said “thank you”, then we moved passed each other and that was that. I didn’t even look back. Later in that same dream segment, I would wander around that massive mall/hotel just checking the place out which I will explain in more detail after this and it was two fold for me. I was actively sight-seeing, but I was passively seeing if I would be able to bump into her again. I didn’t. Not even once. Secretly, I felt a little upset that I couldn’t see her again, but at the same time, I wasn’t really that much affected by that.

In my sight-seeing adventure, it was quite scary in some aspect, but very epic in some way. I noticed that outside the huge windows facing the ocean, was a massive storm. Apparently, Vancouver Island was no more and Richmond was right at the edge of the ocean. Richmond in the future looked very different, but safe and strong. I guess we have to be if we’re facing such storms on a constant basis.

In my dream, the city was so detailed. In fact, for a very brief moment in the dream I ‘woke up’ for a few seconds and even thought to myself as I looked into an alcove in the distance, “It’s incredible that my dreams have so much vivid detail.” Then I ‘fell back’ in that unconscious dreaming state unaware I was dreaming again.

In the third segment of my morning dreams, I was in a massive ship of sorts that I owned. It was either a large space ship or a large ocean-going vessel. There was a small crew on board and Patrick was there along with some other people, but they were usually not with me. Tom was there with some other people, including some girls I’ve never seen before. Throughout that dream, a couple of those girls and I would be flirting and talking innuendo like crazy, but nothing would ever really happen beyond that, though it was almost apparent that each of us had taken a liking to me and me towards them.

I woke up because my brother and Ryan texted me.

I dreamed mainly about Erica and a little about Iris. Patrick was in there too, along with my mom, my dad, Brandon, my brother, my aunt and even Jason Ding and Jason Lau, but primarily it was about Erica. You see, Erica and I moderate a web site together and we have access to each other’s private messages between people. However, even though I have this power, I don’t easily check other people’s messages unless I really need to and this need is only induced by reports made by people.

In my dream, the distance caused by Erica fueled my mistrust of her and this in turn, caused me to check up her private messages. Mind you, this was in my dream. It didn’t happen in reality and it never will. In her messages, I found that other men were contacting her and this was no big deal normally, but I found the messages to be very similar to the ones I shared with her in the beginning of our ‘relationship’. A lot of innuendo, subtly sexual, almost intimate. The more I read into her messages by various people, the more I became tormented. The visuals surrounding my dream was that of me treading through fields of tall thick grass, in light fog, cloudy skies, old wooden fences, unmaintained bushes and trees, met with ditches and dirty creeks.

Somehow, continuing that dream, I was at a plaza where my friends and family were all going a fast food place to get ‘Slurp’ – buckets or big cups of it, with straws. Some of them would drink ‘Slurp’ or not, but they would all bring it outside to this other place, like a stable for pigs and horses and exchange ‘Slurp’ for tickets or animal feed. The only people not doing this was Patrick and I. We were on our mountain bikes and it was foggy all around the outside of the plaza. Pat stayed behind to watch them while I went out to the fog to explore.

Heading out to the parking lot, I noticed in the near distance something that looked like Mount Fuji. Except for some reason, it looked very scary, as if it was monstrous and ‘hovering’ over me. I rode closer to it and noticed huge yellow, green and brown fields all over its surface. Mount Fuji looked more vertical, like a tube with the bottom a bit wider than the top and it looked very surreal and that size, the fact that the size and how it was shaped really spooked me and I wanted to look away, but at the same time, I kept looking at it. I briefly looked back to where the plaza was and everyone was there, doing their weird things while Pat watched on. I was close-ish to them, but I felt very very very far from them at the same time and very very very close to Mount Fuji that is supposed to be very very far.

As I sat there on my bike, mesmerized and spooked, I also kept thinking about all those obstacles and distrust that resulted from those unnecessary obstacles Erica put between us and in my dream, I said one thing that I still remember to now – something nearly inaudible, but I ‘heard’ it as I woke up. I said, “I need to wake up”.

I think this was the only time ever, that I woke up when I was ‘supposed to’, right when the alarm went off.

How did Iris fit into any of this? Patrick and I started at a straw hut. We weren’t going to go riding, but Iris came out and encouraged me to go ride. I insisted we stayed there to keep her company, but she persisted and so we went. When we go to the fast food place, Iris called me and yelled at me for riding off. I ‘said’ something that ‘sounded’ like, “You told us to go ride and now you’re angry that we went for that ride?”

When I got out of bed and received her email, then read it, I sighed once again. Earlier, I had another blog entry I removed from the site after about two weeks. In that entry, I mentioned my irritation towards Iris that she seems to love ‘blaming’ me for things she initiates. In that earlier entry, she asked me in MSN whether I would be ‘like this’ every time we chatted. “This” being spewing out my thoughts and feelings. Now, we had talked a few times before, but that was the 2nd time I mentioned about my thoughts and feelings AND the ONLY reason I brought them up was because she asked a question that pertained to that. I wouldn’t have shared those thoughts and feelings with her, if she hadn’t asked.

Now, I got the email from her this morning about the sexual dreams I had of her and she told me that she was disappointed that it had come to my sexual fantasies about her, rather than more intellectual conversation. Previous to this email, I had told her I hesitate in telling her my sexual dreams, but I told her a little, just to satisfy her curiosity. Now, this is more complicated than it should be, but basically she feels I shouldn’t have to hold back in telling her things, but at the same time, being as ultra perceptive as I have almost always been, I calculated the ‘risk’ of getting an earful of further unwarranted accusations. I went against my own intuition and told her. She now feels that “it’s all in my head” – something I detest her saying, because she started saying this after the one time I mentioned this, BUT the biggest difference is that she continues to use it out of context as if I am a 5 year old child who has a very bad memory. Like I need to be reminded that “it’s all in my head”.

I am sick of this.

I wouldn’t be fantasizing about her sexually if she hadn’t told me what she wanted to do to me in chat. So as you can all see, I hesitated because again, she blamed me for things she initiates. No shit it’s “all in my head”, but don’t tell me you want to do sexual things to me and expect me to NOT think about it, then ask me at a later day why I hesitate in telling her about my dreams, when she comes back at me later on, being ‘disappointed’ and picking out that “it’s all in my head”. I didn’t think a fantasy was anything BUT a fantasy made up in someone’s mind. It’s like redundantly pointing out the obvious. Like picking up an orange and saying, “Dude, it’s a fruit!” Really? She was the one who told me what she would like to do to me in chat, in which I remembered and used to fuel my fantasy, which in turn, morphed into my dreams.

After that, I fell completely asleep around 8am, woke up to my 9:51am alarm, drove my dad to work, called in sick again. Yeah, three days straight.

I had a dream, a very interesting intuition-induced dream. One I have not had for a very long time. These are the sort of dreams where people of religion interpret it as their god(s) speaking to them. My interpretation is simple and has been for the last twenty years. I call them “intuition-induced dreams”. They are dreams that initiate a phase to allow me to rid excess and concentrate on the core.

Today’s dream put me into a warehouse where there were derelict arcade machines, a pool table and an older computer. The warehouse was next to the docks, next to the ocean or river or lake. My cousin Brandon came over to visit me, but I was very tired and wanted my own time. So I tried locking myself up in the warehouse, but he managed to get in with his sister behind him, along with another woman, a bit older, wearing a conservatively longer skirt, glasses, a bluish blouse, with her bluish hair tied up. I did not recognize her, but she did resembled Grace O’Connor.

After some vague events, I ended up at a garden, much like the ones around QE Park and Kristl was there. I ended up hugging her and somehow, fell on top of her, while still hugging. I noticed one considerable difference in that hug versus the hugs I’ve made in reality. Foremost, her breasts were slightly larger and rounder in my dream. They were also quite nice and firm. This was something specific I noticed from my dream. Second, as I laid on top of her, I actually felt very uncomfortable because I am at my second week after my shot and this meant I would be very turned on by just the closeness and touch of another girl. Yet, she didn’t seem to mind at all and I think that’s the thing, especially and very specifically with Kristl.

To elaborate, I have always seen and connected with Kristl on a completely different level, especially comparing with my connections with ALL of my other female friends. I’ve mentioned this before and I will mention it again; Kristl is a very comfortable person to be with, especially on a one-on-one rendezvous. Her words are inspiring and her mind is something I can adore.

One thing that have stuck with me for I think will be the rest of my life, possibly into my next life, is that she once said that she is happy that no matter what happens between us, everything will always be good and the same. She’s completely correct. Mind you, I have not seen her for about a year and a half now, due to a vast list of reasons, but ultimately, it is simply because I am selfishly trying not to dilute myself any further, as I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008. This year was my year for meditation. I enjoy and honor my friendship with her and hope she would accept that, until hopefully, the near future where I will see her again.

This may be strange to the bulk of you, but it takes more freed mental sockets to connect with those that can connect with me on a spiritual sense. Those that cannot connect with me on a completely spiritual sense, but still can connect with me beyond the surface, takes only energy. “Freed mental sockets” means, I clear way for the other person’s own thoughts, to be shared with me. It’s like the uncommon wine and dine of exquisite foods and liquor.

ANYWAY, so back to the dream, I laid on top of her, hugging her and she asked me what it was that I needed. I was afraid of moving around in that position because if I were to move around in any way, something ‘odd’ may develop below, so I remembered I moved very very very very little and concentrated on her question. It took me awhile to answer because I answered completely genuinely, sub-consciously knowing that I was actually dreaming, that I was actually really talking with myself.

The first thing of two things I said was, “I need sex.” I did not give any reasons as to why I needed sex. She brushed the back of my head and I continued, “The other thing I really need is love, but my core is emptied.” At that moment, I imagined the blackened peaks of Black Tusk or The Lions, without the snow and ice and as I elaborated on that, I continued to imagined the peak of those mountains. I told her, “It was once green and lush, at my core.” At this moment, I imagined the peak of that mountain covered with greenery. “However, now, it’s bare and empty.”

I stopped for a bit as I noticed that she nodded slightly and gave me a tighter hug, then I continued, “I know that I can regrow that lushness again, but that means I will have to change myself.” At this point, Kristl shook her head in disagreement, but at the same time, I quickly ‘corrected’ myself, “I mean, not change but add new. Add more possibly.” At this point, she nodded slightly again and I continued, “I know what I can do to make it all green again, if that means to add something new to my life.”

Throughout this entire experience, while answering her question, I also thought about a ‘mind meld’ that Kristl did with me just as we fell down in the beginning. For a brief moment, she went into my mind and saw what I was struggling with. For a moment there, she had a complete connection with me, no walls, no barriers. Therefore, she verbally asked me that question. She knew what I needed, but wanted me to say it.

In reality, Kristl represents my core. My core knows what I want, how to achieve what I want and most of the major steps in doing them. The fact that I was holding her in that intimate position, was because my core is me, at the rawness of my very being – that I try not to put emphasize on, but apparently, ‘Kristl’ had simply reached out to me – my core reached out to me, to tell me that I can’t just brush it aside.

Now to clarify with my other friends, the way I see Kristl, as in the human person, is not simply another female nor just another friend. I have not yet developed enough of a relationship with Kristl, but I can almost apply a fictional metaphor to it. Guinan in Star Trek lore is Kristl and John Luc Picard is me. Not nearly as ancient, but that’s the way I feel. Indeed, I do have sexual attraction towards her, but know that I am a human male with the intricacies of the human male mind and bodily functions. However, as said, it is on a completely different level, at least I surmise as that. To clarify, it means I react to the sexual aspect as I naturally should. I don’t react to it because I want to sleep with her, which her brother thought.

I have to admit though, when Tom asked me suddenly out of the blue, my response was so messed up. I was obviously not prepared. I remembered I mentioned this with one of my other friends and he was like, “Man, that’s funny. I can see how you sound insincere, even if you were.” [sighs and laughs]

Anyhow, the dream is quite empowering, even on a soft note. The last time I had an intuition-induced dream was over a year ago, maybe even two years ago.

I set the case down and walked away and somehow ended back at my own place. Except it wasn’t the townhouse I’m living at right now. It’s an apartment I was either renting or own.

Somewhere in there, I met up with a female friend and we ended up having sex back at my place. I remember that she was in a state of loneliness and wanted to share a night of bodies touching and rubbing up against each other. Though she was feminine and willing and though we were already engaged in the sexual acts, I felt almost half-hearted in my attempt to continue, especially when she had her legs wrapped around me so tightly.

I felt as though I wanted to pleasure her, to show her I wasn’t just a cheap fuck, but at the same time, I felt that the one-night stand seems so ‘off’ and pointless. A small part of me just wanted to orgasm and leave it.

Which brings me to say this: I have found that in the last three and a half years since breaking up with my ex, I seem to have the fantasy of having a friends with benefits. I had that chance multiple times over the last three years. I had the chance for a threesome with two girls, I had the chance to have an ongoing FWB, I had the chance to engage in an intimate relationship with a sweet younger girl that had two young kids and I had the chance to have a one night stand with another female acquaintance. However, even with these chances, I only took one of them as an experiment to test my threshold. Indeed, I’ve flirted with all of these women, but in the end, I could not bring myself to actually engage in those activities.

Like I’ll take the two girls who wanted a threesome. I’ve known one of them since my high school days and I have only heard of the other girl. They wanted to meet up in a motel or back at that girl’s place and let me have my way with them. The idea of having two girls service me looked fucking fabulous in my mind, but ultimately, I’m a one-girl-at-a-time sort of guy, unless I’m high or drunk, then maybe.

What was funny about that arrangement was that we talked about scenarios on what we can do. She told me I can fuck her friend while she eats her out. Well, that was a huge turn on, but again, I kept resisting the offer. It was very very very tempting. It was VERY fucking tempting.

[sigh]

Then there was a girl a bit younger than me, who already has two kids. She is a nice, kind, sweet girl. She’s cute, has big breasts, really really short, but I’m selfish when it comes to love. Everyone is selfish when it comes to love, even though Julia disagrees. I’ll talk about this later in this entry.

This friend of mine is really really really sweet and I know she is very sexual and has a high sex drive which is an awesome combination, but my problem is her kids. My energy and time is split up between my friends, my cycling and my work. So I have focus points. If I accepted her, she would be my fourth focus point, which means I put a little less energy and time into my other aspects and put it into her. With her children around, I will have to be considerate towards her children. I can’t just call her up any time, hang out any time and do what horny adults want to do any time. She will have to schedule her time and energy around her kids to do anything with me. Therefore, she is more suitable for someone who want more kids, really love kids, have time for kids and/or like her so much that everything else is trivial.

Obviously, I will probably regret a little down the road.

I’m a rogue when it comes to love and intimacy. Someone like her deserves someone who is much more stable.

Then there is the friend with benefits. We started our friendship back in the summer of 2006 and had sexually experimented a little, but that didn’t work out for me. Then earlier last year, we tried it again and went all the way. It was difficult for me. For the first time in my life so far, I actually had to concentrate on the pure sex act itself to get myself through the experience. The sex itself purely on a physical level was not bad, but it was not great, because there was no emotional connection. The thing is, I can go with at least a little emotional connection, but there was absolutely none.

On another occasion, earlier this year, we did some more sexual experimentation and she ended up giving me head. On a purely physical level, it felt fantastic. She could really give great head, but it ended abruptly.

Ultimately, though she was always telling me how horny she was and sent me pictures of her in various poses, almost baring her breasts and such, we simply never really went too far into our FWB experience. I was simply turned off by her personality. Yes, you’re right – this is Maho from the “Being Attractive” entry.

Lastly, there was one more girl who I could have had a one night stand with. She was a quite a bit younger and though her personality was not bad, I could not connect with her on a mental level at all. In fact, she frustrated me so much, that I was turned off to any sexual proposition.

When it came down to it, I need two of three things fulfilled before I can engage in a sexual activity with someone. The three things are:

- emotional
- physical
- mental

With all of my past intimate relationships, emotional and physical was always the ruling factor when choosing who I let into my life intimately. In some rarer cases, it was emotional and mental. I have never once had someone in my life intimately that was physically attractive as well as mentally attractive.

As I once mentioned to Jason, “It’s difficult to accept someone intimately and share the mental aspect of a connection with.” I rather share my thoughts with someone like Jason, than with my girlfriend. It would just simply mean trouble down the road.

The thing is though, someone recently, a long distance special friend used to tell me she loves listening to my voice and would ask me to talk about my thoughts and stuff. That was nice.

By the way, I was listening to some video recordings of myself and could not think why my voice sounds that nice. Julia made fun of me, saying that I should become a DJ in Taiwan. Girls would swoon over my voice from all over Asia.

[sigh]

Yes, that’s what I will do. I will sell my voice in little canisters for $10 a pop. Maybe I can be a voice-over for those hot male actors. They provide their bodies and looks and I’ll provide my voice. History will brand me as, “The VOICE behind the men.” I can even see a movie biography about me, creating super stars out of hot men with bad voices.

8P

I think ultimately, as I said, I’m a rogue lover. A part of me want a sweet, caring girlfriend that I can spend an easy-going time with, just doing mundane things, but then a larger part of me want someone who is really messed up in their life, at least growing up. Why? I think I am that guy who want to be able to provide her emotionally and physically generously. I do in fact have a set of criteria that I want in an intimate companion, but never ‘practical’ enough to react to them.

I have never found someone who is a little lost, want a lot of love and seeks out a guy who is a lot like me. I only have two things to offer and neither of them are based on looks, and I cannot be attracted to a person who does not meet my basic factors of physical attraction. I am not too picky on the looks factor of a girl. However, I am actually really picky on the mental aspects of a girl. If I have to put emphasize on attraction:

1) The way she thinks, reacts, expresses herself
2) The shape of her body
3) The cuteness of her face

“Shape” does not necessarily mean “fit”. “Shape” means the flow of her body. “Flow” is important in all aspects of a person’s overall.

I mentioned in the previous entry titled “Being Attractive” that I am attracted to Kaori. However, our friendship has no flow to furthering that attraction to something more than just being friends. Many people don’t realize this and often go after their friends in hopes in making them a part of their lives intimately. To me, I always factor in the flow of those connections.

A girl can be super hot, but if there is no flow, there is no connection. A girl can be super expressive, but if she weighs like a billion tons and her primary exercise regimen involves bending her arms over to the snack bowl and into her mouth, then there is no other connection. A girl can be super sexual, but if she lacks every where else, sex itself would mainly be trying to get off as quickly as possible and leaving as quickly as possible.

Satisfaction is built around an emotional and sometimes, a mental connection with the body as a medium to connect with.

Love is selfish, because you will always seek to fulfill an aspect of what you desire, reflected on what you want from others. Even if you make yourself believe you’re generously giving yourself to someone else without reciprocation, you’re still trying to fulfill criteria you set for yourself, in trying to attain reciprocation from the target of your affection. In short: you only give as much as you want for yourself and if and when you don’t get reciprocation, you either A) become dissatisfied and leave the relationship, B) communicate your needs, and/or C) make yourself a martyr.

This creature is known as a “Pong” because I’ve been trying to sleep most of the morning with little success and cannot think up a better name than “Dangok”. 8P

Which also means, I skipped work today because around 6:30 this morning, I suddenly woke up to a very painful stomach ache and spent a good two hours trying to clear that up on top of the two hours I tried to go back to sleep, shivering from the cold, which mind boggled me. I could not figure out why I was so cold.

So I had a dream this morning, as I finally fell back asleep and I think it’s good to document it because it stood out… Not that most of my dreams don’t stand out vividly, but well…

The dream was way longer and more detailed than this, but basically, I was on a beach at a pine forest cove. I was with a girl of Asian-ethnicity. She had long wavy black hair, a strong sure-look combined with a feminine personality and on the surface, she did not look suitable for me coinciding social protocols and standards. Beyond the surface, we connected in a mature and lovable way.

There was also another girl on the beach, some ways off to the side. She had shorter hair, a cute round face, more petite and less curvy and her personality was quirky. For some reason, I rejected the first girl and went after this one.

As my dream ‘washed away’ my past, that second girl took me onto another journey. Yet, at the back of my mind, I felt as though I gave up a lot to go with someone or something that may not actually be what I really want.

On the surface, this dream may seem like it is talking about women, but I feel it represents much more than that.

Tune: “Slept So Long” by Jay Gordon

I’m quite exhausted right now and should have been in bed around 2am but I needed to finish this thing and I’m still doing it.

A few mornings ago, I woke up from another nightmarish dream. Another vivid dream where I could feel touch and have slight control over the mechanics of the dream world. Only difference between this dream and all the previous one is that I was the ‘god’ of that world – at least, the denizens of my dream made me into a god.

It started out when I am roughly mid 30′s. I was at a school with an Asian/descendant girl. We were playing around and I tried to make a move on her – a playful perverted one. That went on for a bit until I noticed that I wasn’t fully aware of where we were walking. It felt as though my body continued to walk beside her but my mind became blank for a few minutes. Like I passed out but my body continued.

Then suddenly, I was outside between some super tall skyscraper buildings. They were all black matte and I couldn’t see the tops of those buildings. They resembled the buildings of my 3D visionary artwork from back in the mid to late 1990′s. The ground was also black matte with a thin layer of fog and a pale whitish glow.

As I walked passed another building, I noticed a chamber of sorts. Like a giant Pokemon ball except the top half would open upwards to reveal a chair inside with controls. The chair looked as though it can be reclined.

Some people were close to me and just doing their own thing. I noticed that Asian/descendant girl and she looked back and said something to me. I followed her and just as I was about to do something to her, my mind flashed and I passed out completely. I found myself inside that chamber and the ‘hatch’ closed on me and my mind faded out.

Now, I was suspended inside water. Looks like at the edge of the ocean near a giant wall. I looked up and there was a pair of a ship’s propellers attached to a detached motor or sorts. It was really cool looking in that greenish ocean water with the lights above the surface shining down. I knew I couldn’t swim and I couldn’t breath, but because I was aware of that, I could keep myself that way for awhile.

I woke up and I was at a ruined mall with water ways every where. My brother was nearby and something was happening. The waterways became lava. I tried to escape with my brother and he jumped across, one of my feet fell in and it scorched me. I felt that intense heat. My brother looked back at me and I nodded at him. He took off and others were with me.

Eventually I went into a massive auditorium-like room with computers and stuff and people were there. I was wearing rags and they were all in suits, armour, and lab coats. They didn’t look very happy. I put my hand on some controls and did something before sitting into a chair. I told them explicitly, “To save everyone, you don’t need to keep me hooked up for so long. One year is enough.” They didn’t seem to really care what I said. So I asked “You guys don’t trust me do you?”

One of them replied “Not really.”

The next thing I noticed was waking up in that chair, except the room was a lot smaller. It looked like the storage room of a doctor’s clinic or a hospital. The windows outside showed a thriving metropolis with floating cars flying through a bustling sky. A blond woman in a lab coat walked up to me and asked “How are you feeling?” I opened my eyes and stared up at the monitor. It read “4 Years” – meaning I’ve been in the chamber for four years.

At first, I stepped away from the chair and went to the wall. Another person in the room said “You saved us all.” I didn’t even look at him and stared through the opening in the wall towards another larger room where some people were waiting around.

I turned towards the woman and said “I’m glad I can be of service.”

She exclaimed “No, you don’t understand! You saved all of us!” Then I was lead to a lounge with a quarter circular corner room with huge windows that looked out to the city. She continued with a gesture of her hands to express the ‘whole’ of the city “All of this was your creation. You created all of this! The planet is thriving because of you! We rebuilt the world with the visions from your dreams. We have you to thank for all of this!”

I smiled weakly and looked out the windows still in my rags and noticed my reflection. I was many many many years older. I had gray and white hair. I had wrinkles. I was old. Then I broke and balled my eyes out. I landed on my knees and grabbed my head facing upwards towards the ceiling and yelled “I went through 15, 20, 25, 30, 40, 50 years of my life already!”

The two in the room were quiet and they looked extremely sad. I wiped my acidic tears and walked up to the window and thought “I saved them all at the cost of my own life. It’s just so not worth it. It wasn’t worth it. I missed out on everything.” The entire time I thought about that, images of those past experiences faded in and out of my mind.

I woke up from that dream wondering if it was worth becoming a god entity when my own life was suspended while they used my mind to rebuild the world. When I took a shower that day, I kept thinking “It’s just not worth it.”

For that entire day, I felt foreign in my own home. I felt as though I’ve taken a super long vacation and then returned home abruptly.

One thing that lingered since that dream was thinking back while inside that dream, how my brother must have felt as he lived through all that while I wasn’t around to support and be there with him. What really broke my heart from that dream was imagining how he would have cried by himself at some darkened broken building somewhere. I’ve shed my own tears through an agonizing heartache before and wish that no one close to me will ever have to feel that. In some ways, I still see him as that little boy all those years ago, even when he has obviously grown up.

Maybe, that’s just it. I don’t know what this dream was about.

6:43am

My sleep schedule, as always, is screwed up. I went to bed around 7:30pm and got up finally at 3am. In between, I woke up once. So there were two dreams I had that I remembered both of which were very unsettling.

The first dream had to do with losing my brother. Both my parents were still alive but throughout the entire dream, I felt utter loneliness, as if the one thing I adore the most has left without even a goodbye. Though I still had my parents, my connection with my brother was different.

In life, our relationship was like any other I guess. Though mind you, as I grew up, I realized more and more that I could have been a better and more understanding brother regardless of how he was like and what he became. I could say I adore my little brother even though I don’t directly express it. It’s one of those things that only my mom would know because she is the one I only talk to about my brother.

Then I woke up briefly and noticed that my computer was still on. Thank the ether that I can set the fan power on my computer!

My second dream was just as unsettling, except this time around, my brother was still alive but both my parents died in an accident of sorts. The feeling was very similar to the first dream, except I remember a lot more here.

The first part of the second dream, I was with my parents walking through what looked like a Shatin, Hong Kong in a Japanese setting. We just bought groceries and were walking back with bags of stuff. There were multiple perspectives here. It would be in my point of view, then off to the side, under a bench, from afar, from another person, etc. Then there would be odd ‘cuts’ in the scene where it was ‘present’ time and I would be walking somewhere alone thinking back on the days where my parents and I walked back and forth along that stretch of road carrying bags of groceries. The scene would jump back and forth to the past and present until the last half of the dream where I finally stopped ‘daydreaming’.

I sought emotional aid from friends and from my school. The school was my high school – the one most frequent and consistent thing that I’ve dreamt about since I left high school in the mid-late 90′s. No matter where I went, who I was with, who offered their support, no one understood and most people were indifferent. Worst of all, was that some of my friends laughed at me or ridiculed me because other people made fun of my sentimental feelings.

I remembered I went to Graeme Swan whom was a cross between himself and an older Caucasian women with glasses. I went to his office and he was busy but said he would give me 30 minutes. Even though he knew what I went for, he said, “This time we will find the second part to your motivational needs.” After some more drabble, I gave up on him and left.

I also tried calling Albert and Jenny repeatedly, but they avoided my calls. I tried talking with Jon and Carlo and they joked with the stranger who ridiculed my sentiments for my parents who passed not that long ago. I was with my old group of friends from high school and they were half-hearted and not serious at all.

Eventually, I left that need to call out for emotional aid and walked the city streets alone through the day and through the night. I went to many familiar places that I’ve dreamt about from my past dreams. Throughout that dream, I thought about my parents, everything they did for me and my brother. I thought about all the little things and all the things they did every day they were around us. I even walked up to a lookout point that overlooked the city below while the sun was setting and thought, “I miss the yummy food my mom makes and the peeled oranges she brings to me while I work every night.”

The view was gloomy but the sun was still there, slowly going down. Shadows were every where, the scene was particularily clear and lucid. The clouds and the dark blue skies looked crisp and powerful. I thought about my brother a lot. He was somewhere far away, but only a phone call away. I walked until the next day and I saw a large familiar bridge like the Alexander Fraser Bridge crossed with the Tsing Ma Bridge. I picked up my cell phone and called my 5th aunt and told her that I’m crossing the bridge to see her but don’t come to pick me up. I told her that it’s difficult to walk across this bridge but I want to do it alone. She was genuinely worried – something I don’t see often. In real-life, my 5th aunt panicks over little things but she is sincere towards her family. So that was reflected in my dream.

In some scenes, where the perspective was to the side, I could see my expressionless face, but it was a tired and dauntless one.

I’m not sure what triggered these two dreams, but prior to my sleep, I visited Michelle’s web site with her vacation pictures and after that, i went to brush my teeth, wash my face, and told me parents not to talk so loud downstairs.

After I woke up, I laid in bed and thought that there are a lot of things that are taken for granted but I am aware of them and how I am aware of them, is that often, I think about a future where I would be living alone, going to work alone, cycle alone, and do my own journey alone and would most likely miss the delicious home cooked meals my mom has learned since she was a young teen. I would also miss our talks about various things. I would miss the seldom walks we have in the Spring and Summer along with my dad. I would miss watching my parents interact with each other and with other people.

Sometimes, I feel as though I am a battery and my sole purpose is to live for them and then when they are gone, I become meaningless. Just like another nearly-used up battery.

A few weeks ago, I thought that in my elder years, I would like to volunteer in some form of charity or peace organization just to make this battery worthwhile all the way to the end.

5:07am

The dream started with an ‘alternate’ scene from one of the Ghost Busters movies with all four of the original cast standing in the middle of what looked like a deserted construction yard. They were all together holding a ghost containment unit that looked heavy and unstable. I wasn’t quite there in person, but I was in the perspective of a ‘floating camera’. Venkmen said something that horrified me. He wanted to re-contain the ghosts inside the contain unit into what looked like a flimsy greenhouse attached to the containment unit. I thought, “Why would you do that to something so dangerous?” Before anyone thought of stopping him, he released the unit and the greenhouse filled up rapidly. This was also when I turned from the ‘floating camera’ to an actual person.

We all saw it coming. The flimsy greenhouse filled up with faceless silhouettes with a terrifying green backlight pulsing. One of the figures inside materialized closed to the inside of the flimsy plastic wall. Its face was clear. It looked like a normal person, but I knew that when they are ‘tamed’ inside a containment unit, they revert back to their former selves. That figure appeared to look right back at Venkmen for a moment and then ripped through the wall along with all the other ghosts and demons.

A few minutes later, the entire west horizon filled with a thick rapidly moving sea of stormy clouds heading eastwards, expanding outwards as it moved. Everyone looked up to the sky. It was filled with static and lightning. There were small and large eyes randomly placed in and around the cloud with what looked like flying creatures circling the mass. It was night and the nightmare began at that moment.

Venkmen’s three partners glared at him while he surrendered in quiet panic and dropped to his knees in despair. At that moment I knew we were all fucked.

As that dream progressed, I was with my mom at Cambie School except that it was also an underground passageway that lead to #6 Road. We were inside and the exit was blocked by fallen debris. A giant hole was at that end and a one eyed monster with three long tongues kept snatching people up and eating them. At first, it looked as though it was picking them up and dropping them, but eventually it had an evil grin and started eating people and people every where screamed and yelled and cried. My mom and I stayed as calm as possible and looked for the west-end exit. We escaped and wandered through King George Park westward.

I noticed that I was holding onto my mom’s left hand very tightly. We walked passed a large group of fire fighters and police officers and an even bigger crowd of civilians. My mom and I kept walking westward into the night. It became more and more quiet, though we were heading into the heart of the city more. I thought, “Why is it so quiet?”

It became morning with cloudy skies and we were still at King George Park alone until we found a huge patch of wet muddy farmland with a boy on a dirt bike staring southwards into a break in the clouds. We approached him and asked if there was a place we can go to and fight against the horde of ghosts and demons. He lead us to a large tractor tire on the ground. There was a bump in the middle of it. At first thought, “Is that the entrance to an underground resistence fort?”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t. I uncovered the thing and it was simply a large muddy potato sack with grass and weeds on it with a tire around it. The boy told us that the fort is very far away and the best we can do is hide under this. I considered it, but it wasn’t safe enough. I didn’t want my mom to to die. I told the boy that I want to defend my mom with whatever I can and asked to take us to the fort. He wasn’t very helpful but he had a sad solemn face which showed his skepticsm for survival. He probably lost a lot in the last few days.

He directed us eastwards, even though I had a feeling that is where most of the ghosts and demons are out dining. My mom and I walked towards and around the old East Community Centre and saw three fire fighters doing something. I was very suspicious of them. So we managed to evade them.

This part of the dream was the second most potent emotionally. As the morning progressed and my hand held my mom’s hand tighter than ever, I told her in Cantonese, “I have a bank account. If anything happens to me, take it and when all this shit is over, if you need the money, go into my account and take everything. There isn’t much, but here’s the code.” I told her the code and she just nodded. This part was really sad because when I said all that, my body became the toddler I once was holding onto my mom’s hand, but my actions and my words were grown up. I think what this part meant was I will always be the child of my mother, even if my words and my mentality is grown up and matured.

As we ventured forth, I wanted to tell her that I loved my brother and loved my dad but instead of creating an emotional atmosphere I said in Cantonese “Brother is selfish but he helps when the time comes. You just need to push him a little. Dad is getting old and grumpier by the hour. You know what to do. For yourself, do more for yourself. You didn’t raise us solely to have us burden you.”

At that moment, the hand that was holding my mom’s was shaking quite a bit. I was genuinely scared of how I would die to those ghosts and demons, but much more scared of whether I can protect my mom until she was safe or at least at the moment I pass, knowing she was safe enough.

I don’t know what happened next and eventually I woke up.

Do you ever travel to a foreign place for a few weeks to a few months and come home feeling displaced? I felt like that when I opened my eyes and walked into the bathroom. I know this is my home, but dreams like that takes a toll on my psyche.

Anyway, that imagery of the sea of stormy clouds filled with ghosts and demons and static was very bluntly scary.

3:19pm