This song is from the ‘pondering days’ of my youth. The days after lost and exposure. This was 1999.

A few weeks ago, my mom shed a tear for me with a slightly whimpering voice she said in Cantonese: “You choose the hardest path, walk the toughest road, through the thickest of obstacles to achieve a little enjoyment and when you get that sparkle of joy, life smacks you back down and you walk another difficult road. It breaks my heart to see you go through such a life.”

It is not a wonder why people often abandoned me. Most people cannot stand a person with a precision mind. Those that can are either extremely tolerant or extremely patient, probably both.

I am a walking contradiction. My greatest traits are also my biggest weaknesses. I need sleep.

A long time ago, an ex intimate companion told me she met a guy who told her that he’s not a fighter but a lover and this made her laugh in a good way. At the time, I smirked a little and thought, I’m exactly the opposite.

One of the first things I told Albert since he and I reunited over a decade ago was what I would like to do for the world if I had that wealth, power and influence. I wanted to create opportunities for people to blossom. Whether that opportunity is an opportunity of love, to find love, to break love and to heal, to find friendship, to find family, to find their true passion, to help them grow, to help them find themselves and to find others, in short, I just wanted to use my wealth, my power and influence to create a world where people can find a true angel. However, not an angel they can see or assign credit to because I would stay in the background through others, through charities with no religious or political ties. Just people that want to do good for others.

You may wonder why I want to do this? I think it has to do with how my mom raised me. We have a simple family with complicated issues. However, through all that, my mom has always been where she ‘has to be’ and she did this because she is mom. Does she take credit for being mom? No, in fact, she takes credit for blame and the endless arguments we’ve had in the past. Yet, she keeps doing what she does for us.

Through a city, a garden, an alley, a library, a beach, a spiral staircase pass a single father, holding his daughter’s hand, crossing a street, watching a red balloon cut loose and floating up into the sky to meet a distant plane flying to another country, where wedding bells ring far away and a woman’s heart breaks as she lays a bouquet of her mother’s favorite flowers on her coffin surrounded by loved ones to remember her by. The soldier that loses his legs from a mine that comes home unable to find a job, with a family that is stressed out, to a wife that is hopeless. The lost child kidnapped by a stranger and held prisoner for decades. The athlete who stares through a window into a television screen where two professional tennis players play in England. The homeless sister and brother playing the guitar near a bridge to earn some food money from passerby’s.

I want to create groups of people and fund them to help create a creative environment where these people can somehow stumble upon it and subtly take the steps to make things happen for themselves. Ultimately, they can credit that to God, Buddha or whoever they want, but in reality, it is other humans that helped them, that gave them a chance.

Our world is huge, yet only a speckle upon the backdrop of this universe. If we were to survive, we need each other and I want to be one of them to create opportunities for others. I want to extend my hand out to them. I want to learn and teach people how to take care of themselves and how to reach out to others.

…because I want to and this makes me feel good. I am a fighter and a terrible lover. I fight for my family, my friends and even strangers sometimes, but I am not a lady’s man, the lover to bring home to meet your parents or the friend you want messing up your social status. I work best behind curtains, anonymous.

Sometimes, I wish I can live eternal, but the idea saddens me that I will lose all those that I’ve had relations with – my family, my friends… Yet, I can do good for this world and I can develop a system where my life can just ‘turn off’ when the world no longer needs me.

What I need is friendship, as it flows from one breath to the other. What I need is a balloon that fills up and floats towards Earth’s lower orbit. What I need is a hard trek through a forest, a plain of ice and snow, or simply down a street and close my eyes to take in the wonders of every step people make around me, every voice that gets muffled with the other ambient noise, every laughter, every cry, every word that gets passed around.

What I need is the flow.

I feel terrible when I skip out on friends’ birthdays, miss their celebrations of events and breaking into a new home, etc. I feel terrible when I have to lay here on my bed every night before I doze off to sleep, thinking it is a conscious choice to not celebrate their meager days with them. I do this to everyone: regardless of how close and how important they are to me.

The flow of time is hard on my emotions. Though people may be more yielding, time doesn’t.

Earlier, I had another long conversation with my mom. This time the topic was about Amber and a bit about my other friends as well. I told her that the flow of my conversation with Laura is utterly easy. We may have a different perspective in what life might be, but everything else is so easy-going. I told my mom that of all of my friends, I share my thoughts and feelings to Laura the most. I told my mom that though I’m close to Jon and I’ve been friends with Patrick for 23.5 years, what we share towards each other, truly depends on what they are capable of saying to me after I’ve said something to them. I noticed that Patrick tells me things more so than I do with him, but I listen to him and criticize or give my opinion as intended. I noticed that Jon listens more and I rant more. I noticed that Laura and I speak and listen in a well-balanced way.

I like my relationships with my friends because the obstruction is very low and the flow is very easy-going and very casual, even through serious topics, everything just melds together like water and water, like air and air, like a perfectly long chess game. Unfortunately, this is not the same with Amber.

I once told her that it felt like I was not playing chess against her, but with her. It felt like that for a long time, but then lately, it no longer felt like that. It felt as though she isn’t even there. I know what Michelle might say: “Of course she’s isn’t even there! She’s way over there!”

Yes and that too, but I remember when Jessica and I exchanged half a dozen emails in one day – huge long ones and we used to email each other at least six days a week and we did this for years. There was always something to say, even small trivial things.

The fact of the matter is: regardless of how trivial, or how serious something might be, the fact is, whether it bores me normally or excites me, the fact is, I want to hear from her.

It’s funny Jon, because you said this to me before and at the time, I didn’t really understand, though I did accept your words. When you like someone, you want to hear her, even if it may normally be nonsense to you, you just want to hear her talk.

I confess, I log into MSN invisible and I see her there, logged in and all I want is to hear or see her talk, but I stop myself because she doesn’t talk. She said she tried and that’s great, but honestly, there are two issues here. If you have to ‘try’, it’s not natural. I rather you not talk, than ‘try’ to. Second, I see you talk all the time in Chat Lobby. Sure you sometimes, ‘try’ to strike up a conversation with me, but I can’t help but wonder, why there and not here?

She told me once that she misses the times where we first talked in Chat Lobby, because those were the times where we had the most to talk about. What she fails time and again to realize is that I have a zillion things I can talk to her about, but for me to be the one to always ask questions and bring up topics, easily tires me out emotionally and mentally. There is no flow. There is only “I tried”.

The only things I had ‘tried’ ever coinciding her was to realize my mistakes, my bad habits and tried to correct them. Those are different. I don’t need to change who I am to do the things I want to do.

My mom told me that ultimately, there is no reason for me to pressure her to be another way and I told her that I wasn’t, but it seems that way. All I want is for her to be natural because ultimately, it comes down to whether I accept it or reject it. Why try to do something that you’re unnatural at, to change something that you are anyway, just to try to suit the feelings of another person? She said she cares about my feelings and I appreciate that, but honestly, it was unnecessary.

There are indeed things I miss about my past lovers which makes me appreciate what I lost a lot more. This is the fallacy of humanity: to appreciate something more when it is lost. This should be a lesson to everyone, but it isn’t. It is only treated as hearsay.

In MSN earlier today, after further irritation, I left with a message that we may talk again in a week or two, in which she texts me back saying that I shouldn’t complain to her next time when things are not resolved. I closed the message and calmly put down my phone, then came here to post this.

I remember one time, Iris and I was fighting about something, but then part-way through, she goes, “I’m yielding Lee and I am listening to you now.” At that moment, I trailed off and realized that suddenly, my ‘ears’ were more opened. I suddenly noticed her words much more clearly and I apologized.

I also remember another time, June and I had an argument over the phone and I was quite irritated and wish her a good night, then hung up. She was so upset. Called and left voice messages, etc. I ignored her messages and continued my work for a few days. She then suddenly appears at my office and balls her eyes out, in which then I gave her a hug. My ears were totally opened and she told me her feelings and tried to understand my obligations and we worked out a compromise.

Never once had I ever had to deal with complaining to another lover about things not being solved. For Amber, I don’t complain. What I do is point out the fact that nothing ever truly gets resolved if we don’t talk about it. I understand she has a certain responsibility she has to fulfill with her friend that she has to finish tonight, but why drag me into the waiting game when we’re in the middle of something? Unnecessary obstructions for easily solvable issues.

Take Jason D for example. He messaged me a couple of nights ago through MSN. I ignored him, knowing that if it was important, he would email me, which he did and I read it, then made the change in his web site. Boom, 5 minutes, done. I was on MSN with Amber that night trying to ‘resolve’ another issue. Ultimately, there is something amiss between her and I. She’s fine with all those internet friends of hers, but something about us just isn’t working. I would like to believe things can work out and I would like to believe that things can most likely work out if we were in person together. The idea is that there is no rush to be more, but in my heart and in my thoughts for such a long time, I felt that this is the woman I want to work towards a solid relationship with. I imagined living with her, experiencing our particular nuisances, getting a feel for how she really is, imagining what every day would be like, the things we would talk about and do, the different new food experiences I get to introduce her to. I imagined loving her, making love to her, introducing her to my friends, seeing her interact with my friends, observing her interact with the environment.

I never thought about these things with my other lovers. I know Amber, but I wish I knew from the smallest bit to the largest. At this moment in time, what I miss the most is what I had with others because what I need from Amber is not there.

My feeling is that what she needs is not me. She said that I have influenced her in some ways to help her change somewhat and initially, I felt a little good, but ultimately, I felt as though the only person that has truly changed is me.

She taught me indirectly that I need a more delicate touch and that I need to not just think about what I perceive as being correctly perceived. Jason Lau gave a very good example to me a couple of months ago, about how men think and how women feel pertaining to one particular scenario. Ever since that plus Amber’s fights with me, I’ve took out some obstructions inside my mentality and really let us have a chance at what we’re both trying to do, at least, that is how I perceived it that maybe she and I are attending the same goals or similar ones.

I’m about to open one of these unopened letters from past lovers and I am going to read what they had to say to me after our relationship broke down. I opened one the other night awhile ago and it kind of broke my heart.

The man in the desert, once seeking an oasis, now just venturing forward wherever the stars may lead him.

What I need is your voice in my ear, when I am treading through this massive desert alone. My friends are the stars at night that guide me, but I need a voice to help me pass through each day easier. Too soothe my senses. To give me another solid reason to keep going, even if I have to keep going regardless.

What I need is someone to look forward to every day, every night, every moment of the rest of my life.

You know, I don’t have a physically stressful life. Meaning, I don’t do hard labor. I don’t live in a crime-ridden neighborhood. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink as much as I used to. However, I constantly feel drained. Each day, this feeling gets worst and worst, but the changing factor is small. In other words, imagine a giant silo filled with a hundred trillion speckles. Each day that this feeling gets worst, is like a handful of these speckles being taken from that giant silo.

This is what it literally feels like: as if my heart, my physical heart feels ache all the time. You know that feeling when you miss someone or want someone? Yeah that feeling. The rest of my body, notably my shoulders, neck and backside feels ‘sore’, as if I haven’t had a relaxing sleep for years. The top of my head feels numb, not just from my surgery sixteen years ago, but also it feels as though my brain just doesn’t want to function anymore or at least that part of it. My joints constantly feels as though they are strained, tired and ‘restless’. I feel like I need to ‘exert’ myself somehow.

There are less and less things I care about. Less and less passionate about certain things. It feels like my sub-consciousness is trying to filter out all that my psyche may deem unnecessary.

Sometimes, it feels like I am consciously trying my best to hold onto my humanity. Yet, there is something inside of me that is eating it all away.

Economic Left/Right: -1.50
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -2.56

And here is Amber’s:

Others on the graph:

This image was posted by one member at a popular forum, then another member commented: “Given the information here shows how incredibly unlikely it is for anyone to have existed in the first place, it is sad to see some of the trivial and unimportant things things people obsess about.”

Also note that the title “You” is not referring to anyone in particular just to clear up any misunderstandings.

I was just telling Amber the starting of a ‘story’, but really hesitated because she was in a hurry to go out. I particularly and very specifically hate spewing my thoughts under pressure, but it wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t able to deter from it properly at my current state. However, the purpose of this entry is first and foremostly an entry to apologize to my friends.

I’m sorry for being me.

Of course, many don’t know why I would say that and say there is nothing to be sorry about, but you know what I am talking about. If you don’t…

Some of you know for a fact, what I am talking about or at least, have a hint of it. I wish I can expose my massively and deeply buried thoughts to you, but here is something I said to Amber a few minutes ago, before she left:

it’s almost sad that I have these feelings
inside
deep deep deep inside of me
and it takes so much
just to get them out

When Jon was here a couple of weeks ago, by himself, I should have taken advantage of the situation. Damn it to hell! I should have done what I wanted to do for years. I might not have that chance again and I regret it and no damn it, I wasn’t going to kiss him. AH! FUCK! CRAP! Though I would have him bang my wife, if given the chance… ^_~

Alas, Martine might just tear my head off with her claws of glorious fury!

Anyway, Jason Lau said to me a couple of months ago that I have a job, a family, a house I am paying off, etc, etc, etc. Somehow all this matters. It does of course, but… I feel restless. Lately, I’ve been reacting very furiously towards certain topics.

Heh, even here I cannot say what I really want. Michelle would scold me plenty for not being how I was back in 2006 and 2007. Honestly, I fucking hate this. There is something I want to do, someone I want to be, but there is so much holding me back. Can someone help me? Can someone rescue me from this? I feel as though the entire universe is on my shoulders and damn it, it’s so fucking hard to bare alone.

I am a shell of who I was.

My friends, like my family… Let me rephrase that… No fuck it. You know what I mean. The lot of you are so nice to me, but I am so not nice. I will not make excuses for it, but I just want to say it again: you know you are in my heart constantly. I constantly think about it and replay it in my mind. I utterly appreciate that. You know right? I know my actions these days don’t show much. I want to be strong for everyone, but honestly, I feel broken all over. I feel like a shattered glass vase, being held together by glue and tape.

I cannot be that conquering version of me again. I cannot be that guy who goes out there and fucks around the minds of both women and men, just to entertain Albert, my ego and at times, Jon. I cannot be that guy who spends the entire night, listening to your woes and generously offer my time and energy to you. These days, I need to do this. I know I know… There are people with much worst scenarios and I think about that. I really do. You know I do, but I am not them.

The gray and the silver. Ah, how I remember that one Winter night. Just us three. Damn you guys! DAMN IT!

Patrick told me he hates it when I call him when I become a sad drunk. So I mentally burned that thought into my mind. I am constantly hurting and I have no one to go to. So I rot from the inside.

I feel I am such a bad burden. Before Jon says anything to me in private, just let me say this… Sometimes, I think about what if that car ‘accident’ really killed me on that September morning in 1994… I cannot stand the idea that my parents would be heart broken. I just can’t, but I do think about it.

I know I am a later bloomer. I just wish that my parents can see it beforehand. I know one evening, I will sit there at the docks, overlooking the ocean, calm, as the sun sets calmly and my close friends will be in the house behind me, talking, having fun and I know some of them will wonder where I am. This will bring me a smile, even though I cannot truly hear their thoughts. Only one person ever knew this and of course I will not say it here ever, but when I told him, he smiled. He was the only person I could say only one verse and he knew the entire meaning.

I need more time.

Those that do not know me, has already put a label on me. For the rest of you, don’t disappoint me because I am already so damn disappointed at myself.

It’s not that I want to be left alone. I’ll tell you what Albert thought…

Cheh, did you know that Amber thinks I have a weak character? First person to ever say that to me since I was born. I have a weak heart with a impenetrable barrier.

Albert said to me as we stood there, across from Granville Island at 2 in the morning many years ago, that we see the same things, even if our hearts are in different places. Of course, less words were used. Jon never needed to use words. He was always just the brightest star in my void of a dark sky.

I’m staring at “Leemanism” here. I’ve had this blog for almost 5 years. More than a thousand entries later… Some hidden of course.

No one can rescue me but me. I know, but how nice it would be if I could stop building and refortifying my barriers to this prison castle of mine eh? I want to let you in. I really do. You have no idea, but…

Of course you don’t understand, just like I cannot truly feel what you feel.

I finally understand my parents.

I’m sorry for being me. You deserve better. I COULD have been an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer… But I am not. If I have today’s knowledge and ‘wisdom’ back when I was a teenager, I would NOT disappoint my parents. I will do everything that I HATE to make sure they live a better life. Be a better brother.

I’m only 31. Oops, soon to be 32. Why are you all so nice to me? Huh? I haven’t been around for the last 2 or 3 years. I need whiskey. This Port is starting wear off.

I cannot stand the fact that my brother is out there and he knows stuff. I wish I can adore and love him. I wish I wasn’t so selfish. I wish I THOUGHT about HIS feelings, growing up. Heh, you know?

My heart physically hurts so fucking much. Every day, I LIVE with this. I live with all of these things. BUT of course, my ‘problems’ are nothing compared to others. Of course.

BUT I am not them.

I need someone to talk to. I’m sorry, I just do. I’ve been holding this shit in for about 24 years… Almost 25. I can’t tell you because I am hurting like crazy. Just because I laugh, just because I enjoy hiking and seeing the view, enjoy your company, laugh and smile, I do genuinely and I am strong for my family – I am hurting as if I am constantly being stabbed in my heart. I hold it quite well. Marlon once said, right off the bat, at like 10pm a few years ago, “Lee, you look very tired.” He wasn’t talking about me being physically tired, but emotionally. I am so worn out. I want to rest, but then I think about my dad and think about what he went through and I cry in despair that I am truly and utterly pathetic. Why can’t I be like my father? Why?

He must be so disappointed in me.

I was 22 when it happened. I was ignorant and I was apathetic. All I wanted at the time, was Jessica. I had a crush on her. I wanted her to be mine, but I dissociated myself from her by telling lies. I wanted to sabotage my friendship with her, to make it more real and I achieved it. That was 2001.

I don’t make mistakes. I make conscious choices to prove that I am wrong/right. In the end, the only person that loses is me. All of this: all of these things that are now at their ‘prime’ is the result of those choices I made. I am a calculating, manipulative person – at the very least, I used to be. These days, people are wary of me, even if they are not fully aware of that.

This is my ‘secret’ – the most blatant obviousness. I am my own tragedy, because I chose to be that tragedy.

I know I am smart, so I chose to be dumb. I know I am full of warmth and comfort, so I chose to be cold and purely logical. I know I can express and give ‘love’, but I chose to keep it all to myself. I know the ‘purpose’ of life, but I became the devil’s advocate and argued against it. I am such an evil man, because I am so good.

Anyone else catching on?

That’s why, when my brother told me his medical worries a few years ago, I did not react as his friends and my parents did. Ultimately, we all live on regardless of what we face. So instead of adding panic to something that is inevitable, I continue to do what I need to do day in and day out. The problem isn’t what we could do and what they face. The problem is how I will take it after the fact.

Tune: “Until You’re Resting Here With Me” by Dido

I could choose to try to treat my parents ‘better’, work 12 hour days, save up money and take them out to do ‘all’ the things they ever ‘wanted’ to do, but by leading such a life, I am basically trying to comfort my own conscience. If I treat every day, regardless of the issues, as I would treat every other day, the pain is a lot less to deal with. I choose not to cry my eyes out, until the after the fact, but that doesn’t mean, I don’t cry on my own time, in my own space. I will, when it happens, for sure.

You see, my brother is smart. He left home to live his own life. I am not saying when mom and dad leaves us, that he won’t be sad. What I am saying is that he has other people that would keep his mind off of things. I don’t have that. So, sometimes, I think about it, even if it’s out of my hands and guess what? There is nothing in this world that would prepare me for that. Absolutely nothing. So aside from illness, I confess, this is my other fear. I fear what would happen to me when my parents leave us. I personally, do not fear death. I fear what happens after. This is very literal. I am not talking about spirituality or religion or gods here. I am talking about what will happen to whoever it affects when someone dies, when someone leaves us.

I’m not very smart. I choose to stay for many small reasons and two big reasons. It doesn’t have to be this way, I know, but I am stubborn and I get more and more stubborn as I age, but I have to say, women are stupid creatures that fall in love with men. It’s amazing how the minds of women work. How the heck can they fall in love with not very smart men? You silly creatures. Did you know ‘good’ men constantly feel they don’t deserve you? Did you know that ‘good’ men constantly question their worth in this world? While you think it’s ‘enough’ to have some man love you and share a life with you, men, ‘good’ men, constantly feel they need to keep doing things, finish things, start things even. I am not saying I am a good man, but I’m not that bad. With that said, I constantly weigh my worth with the entire world.

Who am I?

THIS, is the number one rhetoric I ask myself the most. There is no rating, no percentage, no grade obviously, but good men do that to themselves. They see what they are worth in this world. THEY may infinitely love you so much that they would trade the entire universe for you, but you have to understand and understand this good: men believe they need to do things, because if we stop doing things or we feel we fucked up at doing something, we will feel we are worthless and we will feel you don’t deserve this shit.

My parents have me, but they don’t control my life. The world controls my life. My close friends say I am this and that, that I am a good son, but you know what? I’m just a man who needs to do things.

A man that thinks and believes he deserves you, isn’t a man. He’s just some fuck-up who is too full of himself and trust me, this is supposedly coming from an asshole. Yeah you heard me. I don’t believe in the nice guy, bad guy bullshit. That’s just an excuse for some wimpy ‘men’ to let others step all over them, without taking responsibilities for their own actions as a man – as a man that does things and make things happen.

So stop being a fuck-up and start doing things.

“Sometimes, the truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes, people deserve more. Sometimes, people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

No matter what my personal logic may be and no matter how ridiculous and possibly even hypocritical I may find these various subjects to be, ultimately, the quote above is how I live by.