The lyrics to this song goes like this:

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be

At my core, I am still the same person I’ve been all these decades. The only things that has changed is what I look like and the refinement of my character. I went from running away from my parents and all those that didn’t understand me, to standing my ground and understanding others. In turn, this refortified my beliefs, my principles and got rid of the unnecessary factors of pride. My parents support me, even though they will never truly understand me. I don’t need anyone to understand me. I just need to understand myself and those that are around me to accept me for who I am.

“Stop making excuses for your own failures.” -me

Patrick had asked me questions pertaining to what my motivation in life is, how I can keep going in the face of so many obstructions and pick myself up, even after falling down so hard. I don’t think I was ever able to give him a good proper answer. This song pretty much sums up my beliefs – ones that have naturally integrated itself into my very being, for years.

I know you’ve read
So many books
You keep a breast of all the things you think you should
You’ve got your own home grown philosophy
And it works for you
But please don’t try to make it work for me

You have nothing to prove
But you’re trying much too hard
Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
No I don’t need you to save me (I don’t need you to save me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)

I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand…)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am…)

Just know who I am…
Just know who I am…

I know you feel
You need to prove
That you are good at simply
Everything you try to do
And people hang on your every word
That you deliver
With conviction
Though they may just be absurd

Leave your armor behind
Free your vulnerable mind

Stop trying to change me (Stop trying to change me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
No I don’t need you to save me (I don’t need you to save me…)
I am what I am (I am what I am…)
I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand (I stand where I stand…)
I just need you to know me (just need you to know me)
Just know who I am (Just know who I am…)

Just know who I am…
Just know who I am…

My parents, all good parents will try to give guidance and nudge their children into a path they feel is the right one for them. As children, we can either take it narrow mindedly or take it with a spoonful of sugar.

As I grew up, I understood the mechanics of both of my parents. By understanding them, I was able to understand where I stood in the scheme of things. Ultimately, they are the ones who brush clean the ice and I am the one skating on it. Good relationships is a compromise of traditions and beliefs. I outgrew the traditions my parents desired from their children and my parents learned to accept me for what I have become. In return, I give them the satisfaction of understanding them and giving consideration of their health and hard work. They then give me the satisfaction of allowing me to pursue certain hobbies and freedoms that keep me sane.

Where do I draw my self-esteem? By standing firm, bending my knees a little and learn to position myself, as to have the best approach against a tsunami of ideals, interferences and the like. In other words, no one in the entire universe can bring me down until I bring myself down first. When others step on me or try to, I fight back. When others hit me and I fall down, I’ll jump back to my two feet.

Mind you, I probably had a much earlier head start than most people I know. I learned at roughly the age of 6 or 7, refined over my teenage years and re-defined over my twenties.

Stop making excuses for your own failures.

ps: Guess what? My average client score is an “A”. Those whom have worked with me like Benny have given me a “B+” or an “A-”. Guess what I gave myself all these years? I gave myself a “C” on average and if it’s ‘good’, I might give myself a “C+”. I don’t have the mentality of ‘being the best’ because I can never be better than myself. What I perceive in others of being ‘the best’ is simply what I think is ‘the best’. I can only do what I am capable of doing, not do the things beyond my reach.

How do you expect to refine the future, if you keep trying to delete your past?

Like my blog that I started back in March 2006, there has been many times, countless times I wanted to delete it all and restart anew. Many times that I had actually closed down the site, but reopened it the next day. I didn’t like the idea that people would see me for who I was, at my weakest, at the times when I was ‘too’ outspoken and even brash. Alas, my blog is intact and it would make it four years old next month.

You know what shines in the future? It is not the money shot, nor the greatest award winning piece of artwork I might produce. What shines in the future is all that I have experienced in the past. It is in that past that shows me what I am capable of and what I can continue to exceed in. My past is the lighthouse in which it shows me the way.

My past refines my future, as it defines who I am at this moment in time. Without that history which makes me Leeman, I am but a blank canvas, empty and lost.

After that, I fell completely asleep around 8am, woke up to my 9:51am alarm, drove my dad to work, called in sick again. Yeah, three days straight.

I had a dream, a very interesting intuition-induced dream. One I have not had for a very long time. These are the sort of dreams where people of religion interpret it as their god(s) speaking to them. My interpretation is simple and has been for the last twenty years. I call them “intuition-induced dreams”. They are dreams that initiate a phase to allow me to rid excess and concentrate on the core.

Today’s dream put me into a warehouse where there were derelict arcade machines, a pool table and an older computer. The warehouse was next to the docks, next to the ocean or river or lake. My cousin Brandon came over to visit me, but I was very tired and wanted my own time. So I tried locking myself up in the warehouse, but he managed to get in with his sister behind him, along with another woman, a bit older, wearing a conservatively longer skirt, glasses, a bluish blouse, with her bluish hair tied up. I did not recognize her, but she did resembled Grace O’Connor.

After some vague events, I ended up at a garden, much like the ones around QE Park and Kristl was there. I ended up hugging her and somehow, fell on top of her, while still hugging. I noticed one considerable difference in that hug versus the hugs I’ve made in reality. Foremost, her breasts were slightly larger and rounder in my dream. They were also quite nice and firm. This was something specific I noticed from my dream. Second, as I laid on top of her, I actually felt very uncomfortable because I am at my second week after my shot and this meant I would be very turned on by just the closeness and touch of another girl. Yet, she didn’t seem to mind at all and I think that’s the thing, especially and very specifically with Kristl.

To elaborate, I have always seen and connected with Kristl on a completely different level, especially comparing with my connections with ALL of my other female friends. I’ve mentioned this before and I will mention it again; Kristl is a very comfortable person to be with, especially on a one-on-one rendezvous. Her words are inspiring and her mind is something I can adore.

One thing that have stuck with me for I think will be the rest of my life, possibly into my next life, is that she once said that she is happy that no matter what happens between us, everything will always be good and the same. She’s completely correct. Mind you, I have not seen her for about a year and a half now, due to a vast list of reasons, but ultimately, it is simply because I am selfishly trying not to dilute myself any further, as I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008. This year was my year for meditation. I enjoy and honor my friendship with her and hope she would accept that, until hopefully, the near future where I will see her again.

This may be strange to the bulk of you, but it takes more freed mental sockets to connect with those that can connect with me on a spiritual sense. Those that cannot connect with me on a completely spiritual sense, but still can connect with me beyond the surface, takes only energy. “Freed mental sockets” means, I clear way for the other person’s own thoughts, to be shared with me. It’s like the uncommon wine and dine of exquisite foods and liquor.

ANYWAY, so back to the dream, I laid on top of her, hugging her and she asked me what it was that I needed. I was afraid of moving around in that position because if I were to move around in any way, something ‘odd’ may develop below, so I remembered I moved very very very very little and concentrated on her question. It took me awhile to answer because I answered completely genuinely, sub-consciously knowing that I was actually dreaming, that I was actually really talking with myself.

The first thing of two things I said was, “I need sex.” I did not give any reasons as to why I needed sex. She brushed the back of my head and I continued, “The other thing I really need is love, but my core is emptied.” At that moment, I imagined the blackened peaks of Black Tusk or The Lions, without the snow and ice and as I elaborated on that, I continued to imagined the peak of those mountains. I told her, “It was once green and lush, at my core.” At this moment, I imagined the peak of that mountain covered with greenery. “However, now, it’s bare and empty.”

I stopped for a bit as I noticed that she nodded slightly and gave me a tighter hug, then I continued, “I know that I can regrow that lushness again, but that means I will have to change myself.” At this point, Kristl shook her head in disagreement, but at the same time, I quickly ‘corrected’ myself, “I mean, not change but add new. Add more possibly.” At this point, she nodded slightly again and I continued, “I know what I can do to make it all green again, if that means to add something new to my life.”

Throughout this entire experience, while answering her question, I also thought about a ‘mind meld’ that Kristl did with me just as we fell down in the beginning. For a brief moment, she went into my mind and saw what I was struggling with. For a moment there, she had a complete connection with me, no walls, no barriers. Therefore, she verbally asked me that question. She knew what I needed, but wanted me to say it.

In reality, Kristl represents my core. My core knows what I want, how to achieve what I want and most of the major steps in doing them. The fact that I was holding her in that intimate position, was because my core is me, at the rawness of my very being – that I try not to put emphasize on, but apparently, ‘Kristl’ had simply reached out to me – my core reached out to me, to tell me that I can’t just brush it aside.

Now to clarify with my other friends, the way I see Kristl, as in the human person, is not simply another female nor just another friend. I have not yet developed enough of a relationship with Kristl, but I can almost apply a fictional metaphor to it. Guinan in Star Trek lore is Kristl and John Luc Picard is me. Not nearly as ancient, but that’s the way I feel. Indeed, I do have sexual attraction towards her, but know that I am a human male with the intricacies of the human male mind and bodily functions. However, as said, it is on a completely different level, at least I surmise as that. To clarify, it means I react to the sexual aspect as I naturally should. I don’t react to it because I want to sleep with her, which her brother thought.

I have to admit though, when Tom asked me suddenly out of the blue, my response was so messed up. I was obviously not prepared. I remembered I mentioned this with one of my other friends and he was like, “Man, that’s funny. I can see how you sound insincere, even if you were.” [sighs and laughs]

Anyhow, the dream is quite empowering, even on a soft note. The last time I had an intuition-induced dream was over a year ago, maybe even two years ago.

My favorite two quotes out of the entire video (17:19): “So forget Jesus. The stars died, so that you could be here today.” and at the end of the video, “We will be lonely and ignorant, but dominant.”

Though parts of the video ‘makes fun’ of religion, the video is not about being anti-religion, though it can be interpreted that way, since religion such as Christianity is based on creationist ideals. The focus of the video is a working theory on how the universe is being formed. As some of you may noticed, I used “is” instead of “was”. You will realize why I use a present tense rather than a past tense as you watch the video.

What’s really interesting is the mathematics of infinity. It seems like the calculations of infinity is largely based around patterns and sequences, which make up the ‘working theories’ in how things may work the way they do. Then again, much of mathematics without definite answers are based on patterns and sequences that balance both ‘sides’ of the equation out.could

For the month of November, I’ll be showcasing images from my journeys into Aion as an Asmodian and then December, I’ll be showing images from Eve as a Minmater Special Forces captain.

Anyway, since my last entry, apparently it was obvious that my simplified thoughts are being interpreted differently. When some of my friends asked me in the past, “Why don’t you share your thoughts with us?” I had a good reason not to. If I under-explain my thoughts, misinterpretation happens. If I over-explain my thoughts, people get confused. If I use certain words, some people may translate that as being ‘hurtful’ or ‘condescending’.

Basically, in my mind, I constantly see an infinite space of strings and strings that stem from those strings and more strings that stem from those strings and so on and so forth. All those strings connect to an infinite space of planes or as I referred them as “onion layers”. Onion layers make up the profile of a person – inside and outside, beyond and in-depth. Strings represent connections.

Now, below is a simplified animated diagram of my connections:

As you can see, there are three rings and three tiers of balls. In reality, there is an infinite ‘amount’ of rings and an infinite ‘amount’ of shades and connections with an infinite ‘amount’ of layers.

Starting from the outside, the grey balls represent common society, communities within communities, social protocol. The grey ring represents learned social protocol. This is my ‘surface’ connection to the outside world.

The dark green balls represent my social circles. They make up all of the people I connect with on a social level. Sometimes, a few of those people can relate to me and can through that relation, connect with me that others in that social tier usually cannot. However, because their relationship to me and their connection is more often than not, obstructed by their social protocols, they can never really stay ‘inside’ the consistently connective aspect which makes up the orange ring.

The green coloured balls represents my confidants that stays consistently connected with me. Sometimes, as you can see, they are able to penetrate into the thick blue ring. The thick blue ring represents my silence to the outside world. It also acts like a mirror. People who don’t want to connect with my core or do not know how to connect with my core, often see a reflection of themselves unaware and translate what they see as who I am. However, as you can see, some of those people are actually able to penetrate that blue ring. Those are the people that either know how to connect with me or they become aware of their own selves and instead of pushing away, they further pull themselves into the core of who I am.

If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes, bounce outside the orange ring and even the grey ring. This is their social connection with the outside world. They belong to communities of other people that set them into those social protocols.

Now, the last thing is the orange ball in the middle that is shrinking. Well, that’s me. Actually, the whole ring structure is me. The grey ring represents my connection to social protocol. However, as you’ve noticed, it is far from my core. The orange ring represents my comfort zone in being able to express myself to a certain degree. The thick blue ring represents the barrier between the physical and the metaphysical, or in other words, my inner-most thoughts and feelings.

The orange ball is shrinking as you can see. The reason for this is my separation of social protocol and my inner self. THIS IS THE PART that Tabbyman completely and utterly misinterpreted. The part speaking about cycling and whether my friends Jason and Patrick sometimes go with me on the rides explains two paragraphs up starting with “If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes…” I was speaking about their connections with social protocol with their other friends and other communities.

/sigh

Now, I can explain each of those tiers in even more detail, but I think leaving it as this, is pretty clear. I just wish that my friends, those inside the orange ring would just understand sometimes, without getting into typing or reciting encyclopedias of information. My gosh. When was the last time I ACCUSED any of you of devalue or disconnection?? Hmmm? I ALWAYS take our connective history into perspective. Why did you think it took me so damn long to speak up to Albert? It wasn’t because I was afraid of him. It was simply because I was always considering his feelings and his own history of upbringing, hardships, heart breaks and etc, etc, etc. I would think that my friends by now, should be able to consider that my words mean more than what they seem and be able to put my history with those words together.

I.
Need.
A.
Beer.
Now.

At one time, it was almost nice to have a student actually listen to me, but I was no mentor. Far from. In his perspective, yes. In mine; I was far from being eternal. With modesty aside, even if my perspective transcended humanity, I still resided in a human perspective.

Tonight, I drink alone again. Sake cups my brother got me for my 30th birthday with Port, cheap Port, but Port nevertheless. I contemplated the Taylor Fladgate Special Reserve I usually indulge in or the Cape Ruby. I got the Cape Ruby. Half the price, half the taste, but it does its job.

Indeed, I have cheapened my worth, aside from social protocol. [sigh] Social protocol.

There is so much I want to say, but I don’t think my blog here deserves to see my words. I need someone to share a bottle of Port with, that I can trust my mind to… Trust… Not trust. No, rather, to be able to swim in it. It saddens me that as I grow older, I realize that no one can swim in it as I do. Everyone else, simply, tries to fish it up.

Fish die out of the water.

It’s nice that my friends, most of them, joke with me, to ‘show’ me that life isn’t really so serious. That’s the other me, the other aspect, but the one aspect of me that really needs that sort of connection is foreign now. Completely and utterly foreign and it is at a stage where it is completely away from being connected.

When Melvin died, I was not saddened. I was almost indifferent. His family and his other friends may see this as a cold hearted gesture, but they simply do not and most likely will never understand. That is another reason why I am mind boggled by the religious who grieve for their lost ones as human bodies. If their ‘God’ is omniscient, then it is in ‘God’s’ will that their deaths will happen. If it is their ‘God’s’ will that it will happen, therefore, it is all a part of the great invisible plan. Which means, it is all a part of their religious vows to die at their given times. Why grieve for what is required to happen by the hands of the almighty being in which they worship? This mind boggles me to no end. Alas, they can never see this because simply, they put faith in such theories of “what if”. Reminds me too much like Albert’s “what ifs”.

Disgusting.

Anyway, religious rabble really get to me. Away from such misdeeds of humanity, shall we?

I said in my latest email to Nancy:

Almost everyone around me seem to be living a life of urgency. That, one must keep in touch with their friends and family, else, they lose that connection. Are bonds so frail, that one must keep in constant contact? I understand that human bodies are ‘short’ in comparison to the age and constance of the universe, but maybe that is my ‘problem’? I live my life as if I have hundreds of years, maybe even thousands of years to live. However, I don’t think that I can live beyond 90 to 95. No, it’s just my approach to life. Indeed, the urgency of health and the urgency of having financial stability is a given, but the urgency of living, to enjoy the infinite steps between 1 second to 2 seconds, to just go where the currents naturally direct us all – all of this is awesome.

I do not put up a facade that masks my feelings, my true feelings. No. What I do is live a conditioned life, where my feelings are secondary. I bring myself to a point to resolving matters that are brought up, if they relate to me.

Indirectly, I often wonder: Patrick and Jason talks about racing teams and cycling across Canada and doing all these rides, but I wonder if they say those things because it is what I really want or do they say them because it is something they want. I don’t put ANY hope in anything they say regarding to cycling. This may seem blunt and it is. Like what I said earlier, my feelings are secondary. I want to have my own team of riders. I want to ride to Calgary, to Prince Edward Island, to Southern California, to New York, fly to Japan and ride from North to South with my team, but those are MY dreams. They aren’t anyone else’s. Patrick wants to travel and experience different journeys that may boost his own concept of self-worth. Jason just wants to experience life as his spiritual alignment to his religion gives him. I view the world as a medium, a series of creative tools to help paint my canvas.

I want to say so much more, but my blogs fall on deaf ears. I will die one day, knowing I lived my life as I intended it. No one can share that with me. Only in stories, may others hear about it, a little.

Cheap Port, is really cheap Port.

—–

For awhile, I looked forward to my correspondences with my special friend that I truly adored. I think about her every day. Her picture is in my wallet. I wish I can give her my kisses and receive hers. However, I live my life as I chose it. No one out there can understand that. Some believe I am stupid for taking care of my parents, which includes my little brother. Some think I am courageous to brave aloneness forever, risking the rest of my life void of love and intimacy for the security and welfare of my mother and father. Most are indifferent.

I live for my parents. All that is secondary includes riding across Canada with my friends. All that is secondary includes having a cat companion, from new born kitten to old age. All that is secondary is to completely destroy myself in Taylor Fladgate, aged 25 years and die in my castle, secluded to the mental chess battle I have long formed since my childhood.

It sucks that Jonathan would not accept to be my ‘second’ in applying my dying wishes. He ‘advised’ me to look up a legal advisor. Well, he is smart and I never questioned his relationship to me, as my brother. It’s just that… I felt even more alone when he denied me.

—–

I will not say how, where and who, but apparently, my mom is a concubine reincarnate who in this lifetime, seeks to acquire power for her son, which is me. Unfortunately, it is not my time to acquire power. My thoughts are too immature. My ancestor was able to become an emperor from being a farmer. I am still a farmer. It is not my time.

I wish that someone out there would understand, but there is none. Jason is kind of close. Which is a ‘blessing’ for a few seconds. That is not to say I do not value my friendships with my other various confidants, but I just wish there was someone out there who is as open as the canvas that was allowed me.

Love, intimacy… As Jason and even Thomas would know it, can never be achieved with the authority of a confidant – a true confidant.

[sigh]

I am eating cheesy fishy crackers.

My friend Mel took his own life Sunday evening. I was contacted through his email address from his best friend. Originally his friend wanted me to call him but I was firstly, suspicious, so I had asked he told me through email. To cut the story short, to this day, though it has barely been three days, I am still quite shocked.

Mel considered me as his good friend and mentor, but I told him that our friendship has no one-sided mentorship. We can both learn from each other, as well as teach each other. He felt that I transcend humanity with my thoughts – something I mainly keep from most of my connections. I told him that it is more possible that his thoughts and my thoughts are of the same or similar substance, but we both express it differently. Therefore, we offer the same or similar ideals and concepts, but just speak of them differently.

Mel will continue to live on in the memories of his friends and family and other connections. I had hoped we would eventually play a game of Chinese Chess over green tea and possibly even over some of my mom’s own ‘jelly’ cake. Alas, he left us too early.

For the last two days, I have replayed my own words to the ether over and over again. “Damn it Mel!” And I could not say anything further.

I know that suicide has various variables and there is no universal anti-suicide ‘law’ or guideline, but we have so much more to talk about, so many more thoughts to share. He had came here, my blog and commented and questioned in a few of my entries Saturday and yet not even a day, he left us.

Damn it Mel!

—–

Mel, as you are gone now, I do have words for you still. You didn’t even wait for me. As the ether allows it, my letter to you, as I typed it in the days and nights that followed yours…

My ideals are flawed through the intricacies of humanity because humans are not unified. You, I live here, in this universe, this dimension. The ‘purpose’ is a fallible mind frame many humans require to live. They need a Raison D’etre. I live my life as a human being until I am being recalled. Therefore all this, all of these subjects seem so eternally foreign to me, but I must live on for the sake of being human.

Remember I once gave you the concept of an ocean of rain drops forever falling from the skies, falling, melding, colliding, being together, splitting? That is humanity in a nutshell. It is a ‘flawed’ concept if we look at it from the rain drop. Humanity as it stands need not a reset button. As they stand, they need to be annihilated. Alas, it is not my time yet.

Mel, I will cheat a bit and say that I wonder, where you are now, recalled, how you see the universe as it stands, so far from being a part of it, yet so close to it. I wonder, how nice you are in that ‘place’ to be able to feel everything, but at the same time, completely distant from it all.

I am saddened that we cannot share our minds and thoughts further, in this human format. Being human, being a human being, in this world of political, religious and social doctrine is so difficult. Indeed, I have friendships that aid in my understanding and knowledge of being human. I also have my human parents to hold me to this world. It’s just that, it is extremely rare to find another ‘soul’ that can be in that unified state.

I don’t think all of my other friends know this, but I live in a state of constant loneliness and this has nothing to do with intimacy of the female kind. I felt this way, even when I was with someone emotionally and physically intimate. I just constantly feel foreign, as I become more and more aware.

Like fish is to the rivers, to feel every pressure, every current, every flow. To feel the change and the motion. It is so unlike what humans feel because all they feel is selfishness and righteousness.

I need a drink, but not beer.

Mel, I brought up a futile question to one of my friends last night about why a person may end their life, even with certain variables in place. Ultimately, I was not seeking answered, but venting excess thoughts. I appreciate that he took me seriously and answered them to the best of his abilities. Sometimes, I wish I can keep my mouth shut. More often than not, I just want to drink alcohol, but not beer.

The years, the age of wines and Port seems distant now. Everyone wants a quick buzz. I don’t want to be hammered. I want to sit at a lounge, dimly lit, with wine, overlooking the North Shore through the huge windows, while my friends speak to one another and some woman is singing a song in the background. That’s my ideal night. That is long gone. When once all I had to do was voice it, even just hinting at it, those who were with me would just go with me to the lounge and hang out there for a few hours.

A commanding voice? No, hardly. Just obviousness. I was never really a beer drinker, but I loved wines. Red wines. Dryer the better.

I remember, those days… In that basket chair, the waitress comes around with our drinks. She wore a gray dress with a slit down the sides of her gorgeous fit legs. She sets down our drinks and one of my friends makes a flirtatious joke to her, while I look pass them at the band playing some jazz and smirk. After she leaves, we raise our glasses and toasts each other. EVERY TIME we had a new glass of something, our toast was something different.

“A toast to our health.” “A toast to more money.” “A toast to more nights like this.” “A toast to beautiful women.” “A toast to great friendships.” “A toast to excellent wine.”

Those were the days. Now, tonight I am here in my computer room, typing up these memories, coinciding my thoughts and feelings towards my friend Mel, alone, yet again, drinking rum of all things.

Mel, I shall join you when my time comes. At the moment, my canvas is not yet painted fully. I will paint you in mine for now. Alas, you ‘should’ have lived on. We needed to connect further.

PS: this is not Melvin Wong. This is another Melvin I know who lives in the states.

Last night, I engaged in a short conversation with a stranger on MSN who pointed out that I was stupid to let my parents take 75% of my income. That I should have my own life and laughed at me, that I live with my parents. She even pointed out that I have “martyr syndrome”. I told her that many westernized individuals who do not have much strong ties with their families often think of themselves before others. Her way of thinking reminded me of the Republican and anti-Obama ignoramus that are against universal health care. Like my previous entry, humanity might as well die out now as it stands. (Un)Fortunately, I do still care for the little we have – the handful that are dear to me.

Once, I stood at a point where I was really serious about life, that fun was simply not a part of the equation. Nowadays, I almost live out this illusion.

My friends don’t know this but, the only sole substance that keeps me going is that I want to be able to provide for my mom and my dad. Beyond that is beyond me. Of course, I don’t want to repeat the excess, so I’ll leave it at that.

I was ‘angered’ that the stranger said I had “martyr syndrome” because it showed me how cold and how brutally selfish the world is. I do not blame her for anything. No. What I am ‘angered’ about is that she is so shallow minded about life. She is driven by worldly desires, pulled by social protocol. It is at times like this, I wish I can sit down with Mel, over Chinese tea, chess – that I know I will lose but will have fun playing or swing at the playground swings with Jon, talking about the stars, people, connections…

I just miss the nights where I can speak to someone who connected with me deeply. I think, those are the only nights ever, that kept me ‘safe’. I recognize that at my age, this connection no longer can sustain itself. Of course, do not forget though, I do recognize and appreciate that my friends at their distances do think of me from time to time and are there to hear me out, but realistically speaking, I know that you all have your own lives to tend to. I am secondary.

This is reality. I am being realistic. We all have our woes, worries, issues. My own are simply my own. I deal with it.

Right now, it is 1:32am. I went downstairs, hoping to find another can of beer. Alas, my dad took it. I found a small bottle of Bacardi rum, but decided not to open it. I even considered texting Jason to see if he would be up and go out for a drink, but of course, I didn’t text him.

It kind of sucks being 30 and not having that sort of freedom. Watch me say that exact same thing at 50.

I am not going to make $100,000 in one go ever in this lifetime. I want to open up my Johnny Walker Gold Label to ‘liberate’ my feelings at the moment. Yet, what is the real motivation?

For a time, I was email corresponding with a girl whom was willing to eventually become my confidant. Unfortunately, after finding out that she is well in-tuned with her Christian ‘faith’, I knew it was impossible for us to connect deeper. She is restricted by the limitations of her religion and simply not opened to the universe beyond human-induced ideals. Indeed, she reminds me of Laura which I do hold dear to, but her religion is that obstacle. To me, her ‘God’ is the obstruction to the unity and growth of humanity. My mind flows beyond that. Her ‘God’ is a ‘being’, an ideal, a system that means the end of her thoughts. My thoughts continue to flow endlessly.

I will probably continue to correspond with her, but she will not be my confidant. I require someone who will extend herself beyond the limitations of human-induced ideals. Someone who can apply herself as a speckle in the ‘infinite’ span of the universe and all the dimensions beyond that.

I’m sure, the anonymous readers will see me as condescending. That is the narrow perception they have because 1) they absolutely have no connection with me and 2) they are bounded by their own limited view of the tiny world in which they interact with. I may very well be a God to them, yet absolutely detest me since I am a living human. Though I recognize and can grasp personal logic, I cannot stand and accept anything that counter basic ethics.

Anyway, I’m totally off-track.

So many people want to see others suffer, reflective of their own suffering. Yet, I want to see others achieve, unite, bond, progress because that is truly what I want, even if I ‘suffer’ at my own expense.

I believe that a janitor should be paid as much as an accountant. Obviously, an accountant goes through years of schooling and work experience, but that is the ‘prestige’ s/he desires. A tie, a shirt, a dress – business attire, going to meetings with large firms, handling millions of dollars. That is the life they want and they get paid for it. However, who’s willing to clean up shit? Who’s willing to clean up the massive barf-fest some idiot left behind? Who’s willing to walk around a huge park collecting garbage bits? Indeed, you don’t need a lot of post-secondary education and work experience. No, but you need a lot of willingness to do shit work. Therefore, I believe garbage collectors, janitors and people who work in such environments should get paid a decent wage with benefits. While an accountant, a lawyer, a business person of sorts gets to wear a suit and work under a ‘prestiges’ bullshit name, the garbage collector and janitor has to work in a crappy environment. They are extremes of each other and they both should be paid decent wages.

Now, I am totally off topic. Which ends this entry because I have ran out of booze.