One of my favorite tunes. “Change” by Deftones.

I’m just very stressed right now, coinciding Amber. It’s compounded, but ultimately, has nothing to do with her. It’s all me. It’s all in my head. It’s hard dealing with it because I have no outlet.

Now, before Amber comments on this post, don’t. ^_^ This is a problem with myself. There is nothing anyone in the entire universe can say to make me feel otherwise. I’m a lonely old sod with a lot of ambition, but just no drive. It’s easy to get what I don’t care for, but difficult to get what I really want.

I need another drink, but the only alcohol in the house is my brother’s bottle of Corona in a special Mexico bottle, which I am not going to open… BUT… THERE IS a bottle of Johnny Walker Golden Label I got from a client eight years ago. I will never make another $100,000. That’s not going to happen. I’m opening it tonight to celebrate my stress at an all-time high. Cheers!

In the end, I suffer from the choices I make.

The lyrics to this song goes like this:

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be

At my core, I am still the same person I’ve been all these decades. The only things that has changed is what I look like and the refinement of my character. I went from running away from my parents and all those that didn’t understand me, to standing my ground and understanding others. In turn, this refortified my beliefs, my principles and got rid of the unnecessary factors of pride. My parents support me, even though they will never truly understand me. I don’t need anyone to understand me. I just need to understand myself and those that are around me to accept me for who I am.

I had a MSN conversation with a friend just now. It ended negatively. In essence, she hung up on me. I sighed because she doesn’t realize my sudden dry humor. Which irritates me. I understand that can’t understand how I work and what my past is like. She could only piece things together with bits and pieces of what I tell her, glued together by her own thought processes and perception. I wanted to get mad at her, but in the end, I just sighed.

The friend I was in MSN with asked me if I would be ‘like this’ every time we talk. Looking back at my limited correspondence with her, we don’t talk about my thoughts every time. In fact, looking through my chat history with her, we’ve only talked about my thoughts twice. The first time was during my flu and tonight was the 2nd time. The reason why we talked about it tonight was because she asked me what I “woke up” from and I talked about solutions to problems and that lead to me saying that I know my problems, therefore, I know my solutions and she persisted in that it frustrated her that I don’t let anyone in, etc, etc. Yet, she asked me at the end if it was going to be like this every time we talk. I raised my eyebrow and thought, “We wouldn’t be talking about this if you hadn’t asked in the beginning.”

It’s irritating because she asked, I answered. That answer turned into a rant. She questions and criticizes that, then at the end, asked me if it would be like this every time? I wouldn’t be sharing my thoughts with her, about myself, if she did not ask.

…that no one was there for me when I needed them. Come on, you *should* know me by now, I don’t ask for indirect help. I hint it very indirectly. Eg: “So what do you want to do now, that we’re done dinner?” or “You feel like something bubbly?”

Ah, it sucks really. The two people that really understood me are not here anymore. One turned into a petty, ill-tempered blamer of the entire universe and the other just got married and lives far away. So I’m stuck here with some pretty fantastic friends, but they don’t quite understand me on that same level that Jonathan and Albert did.

For example, there was a night, around midnight that Albert and I went to some apartment buildings next to Granville Island and we just stood there, both looking at the reflective water and he started a question, “Do you…” and I interrupted and said, “Yes.” I remembered he grinned and said, “I like how you and I just know things without saying much.” – something like that.

Or the times when I spent my evenings and early mornings with Jon, just walking around aimlessly or chill at my house, I would sit on my chair and he would lay on my bed, not talking and then he would say, “I know you have something you want to talk about. Out with it!”

These days, my friends over here have their own issues and are not readily available. At the same time, they aren’t available regardless because their thought processes are on a different plane than mine. For example, I would be standing somewhere and looking at something and I might have a grin on my face, but they would be completely clueless what I’m thinking about.

[sigh]

Indeed, I do think back on the good days I’ve had with Albert, but it really just sucks how everything turned out. At least we didn’t forfeit our friendship due to the misinterpretation of some freakin girl. [laughs] At least, that is the highlight of our end.

So since we departed from each other, I had been dealing my issues on my own terms. It’s not difficult. It’s just daunting.

I know Patrick and even Laura tries to do things like joke around, humor me and play along with me and add their tid bits here and there and that’s awesome. They’re awesome. They are, so don’t ever think otherwise. However, I need someone right now and no one is there for me. No one. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling. Void.

I’m not a talker when I need someone. I am a refuge taker.

For example, Albert and I used to drive around, listening to CD’s I made for him or CD’s that he made coinciding a period in his life. We would drive around in his Prelude and he’ll tell me his thoughts and feelings. Then we’ll park somewhere and just enjoy the ambiance. Listening to him talk those years ago, was inspiring. It was actually, possibly coincidentally that after he and Jenny became more serious, that it all became so damn different. He was always anal, but man, there were so much shit after they got together.

Anyway, or Jon… These days, who in my group of friends here would go sit out at the playground with me and swing on the swings while we talk about Quasars and black holes? I loved those stories Jon told me.

I ride hard these days. I sprint above 40km/hr for an amateur like me, sometimes reaching close to 50km/hr. I induce emotional suffering and that in turn, drives me to ride hard. I think the coolest time ever, was when I was riding around 49km/hr beside a car that was going about the same speed. The passenger gave me a thumbs up.

Some of you, like Michelle may have at least at one point wonder why I am so unresponsive and taking so damn long with my hand written letters. I am more reactive than active. Towards others, I am reactive. For myself, I am active. If my friends seek me out for advice, opinion, a sounding board, etc, I will react accordingly. However, no one reacts to me, so I have to take the initiative and action for myself.

Now before Pat goes off into a potential 12 comment tangent, I am not blaming anyone for not being able to be there for me. In fact, I’m typing out all of this in a state of equanimity. I recognize domino effects, chain reactions, connections, layerings, etc. I am here today, because of a myriad of circumstances.

That’s pretty much it.

However, there is one thing I seriously despise is when someone gives their word and back it up with “Trust me” and/or “I will never…” Because when you do break that, I remember it and I will remember it forever and it always use that as a referencing point to everything you do in the future. That’s why you will very rarely hear or see me say “I promise” or “trust me” or “I will never…” – unless I knew I could follow through with it. When I break something I’ve said, I get into a state of massive upset and think about it a lot, coupled with how I may not break it again. I hate words, even though I am a prolific writer, as I align with action much more. I just hate waiting. As my earlier conversation with Laura, “I despise waiting to hear back from someone.” It simply and utterly stresses me out – within context of immediacy of course.

This damn sake is NOT making me buzz! I blame the massive sushi I had with Jason L and Patrick!

I had a strange experience over the last few days. For a moment, I started to fall for a ‘stranger’. Her life, where she lives, her feelings now, her desires, her goals – all of which I can completely relate to. I had already been numbed out for a few years now, numbed more so in the last two years, until of course, I get drunk, alone mainly. I didn’t think much of it until very suddenly. Then she told me this morning she needed me, at a weak point, where I can completely relate to as well. Yet, being used to giving serious objective advice and perspective, I told her as I would tell all of my other friends and that ‘ruined’ it for her. Now she has retreated and I am left here gradually becoming numb again.

She very abruptly reminded me that I can feel those emotions again, but with a line of misplaced words, it felt like all that I have shared with her became meaningless. Can anyone ‘blame’ me for being the way I am today?

If she does not contact me again, then life continues as it has always been. It was very different and she was quite interesting.

It’s karma, from my past, coming back to keep smacking me down. Must I become the only master of my domain, unable to share it with someone who can connect with me? Must I only invite my close ones every now and then for tea and noodles? Can I not have someone who simply can understand?

She needs someone who can inspire her, to subset a part of her emotional needs – someone stronger, but can also relate; someone more ‘mature’ and considerate. Who am I, but a stranger who became somewhat like a lighthouse, if only briefly. I have never relied on anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. It just simply means, I have always been forced to rely on no one else.

I am holding up the entire universe with my meager existence. Can someone come help me wipe off some of my sweat? It’s getting into my eyes and it stings.

[sigh]

This was originally posted at a forum responding to a girl who asked why her penpal friends would suddenly disappear without telling her why. I responded in two posts:

My first response::

This depends on how you define a friend. I think too many people use “friend” too loosely.

Her follow-up:

Yes you are right the term “friend” is used too loosely alot of the times.
So I shouldn’t really waste my time trying to meet people because if they are tired of you then the communicating will just stop. Leaving me wondering what happened or what I did wrong.

Then my last response:

Effort can only be wasted in hindsight. Many people interpret it like this: “If something goes well, then it isn’t wasted. If something goes wrong, then it’s wasted.” Therefore, you can never know whether it is wasted or not if you don’t try. It’s like everything we do: job/career, a project, giving advice, giving our love, giving our friendship, giving our trust, giving our bodies, giving our all.

Too many people try and try and try and keep failing, but these people continue to let past experiences go to waste because they fail to learn, to look at the mistakes, the process. Those that allow themselves to indulge in experiences also should learn to be more cautious. However, be cautious, not paranoid.

We should not cut ourselves short of potentially great friendships, just because of a few setbacks.

I should stop drinking this tea at midnight! BTW, did any of you Richmonites see the Torch Bearer run by on Steveston Hwy yesterday?

“Get It Together” by Beastie Boys:

Just because I’m vulgar sometimes, it doesn’t mean I am tactless. It comes within context of the subject.

Many of my friends think I give good criticism. I have never given bad advice, to say the least. Bad advice is sugar coating crap, things that only make you all fuzzy, even if you suck. I’m not that sort of person. I’m the sort of person who will say something is nice if I mean it. I will also say something is awesome and mean it too. If I say it’s okay, then it’s okay.

I would only give my dosage of criticism if someone asks me for it. Most of my friends that ask me have told me they appreciate the bluntness and transparency. I say, “You’re welcome.” If I wasn’t blunt and transparent, then you deserve a better person to go to for advice and opinion.

However, I have met with one obstacle that I recently came across. I won’t say his/her name, but since s/he has picked up his/her new hobby, s/he has become more and more apparent about his/her own goals, style, technique and follow ups. As time went on, s/he became more and more in despair on how s/he wanted to tackle this. S/he has asked for my view on things every now and then, but I have to confess that s/he is one of the most difficult people to talk to. I actually have to watch what I say. I don’t fear if s/he would blow up or not. Instead, what I ‘fear’ is that my words would go to waste.

I’ve been giving advice and opinion for about ten years now. The tone of my criticism goes within context. If Brandon asks me what I think about his guitar playing, I will tell him that it sounds great for the level he is at, with the amount of time he has spent on it. If he asks me how it compares to other people I know, I will tell him that he has some ways to go.

Some people in my industry had asked me what I think of their work and if they are not doing a project with me, then I ask, “You want my personal opinion or do you want a general opinion?” They always give me this, “Your opinion of course! Is it really bad?”

My most common positive answer: “It’s not bad. However, I suggest you do A, B and C and maybe you can add X, Y and Z. What do you think?”

Sometimes, they would ask me why and I would tell them my opinion, but I would add, “Ultimately, it’s your work and your perception. If it works for you, then it works for you.”

However, if they’re working with/for me, I will tell them my personal opinion. If it hurts their feelings and they try to bite back with their little fangs, it simply means we’re not compatible working together.

In my 11 years in the industry, I’ve worked with roughly a dozen different photographers, about a dozen different designers, a handful of film and video people, movie directors, producers, technical designers, illustrators, a myriad of artists and models. There is bound to be criticism and disagreements. Heck, Benny and I have had disagreements in the past and we still work together after five years.

I remember my first mock-up of the Fleet Street Outdoor rate card package, the president’s first line read: “Was he drunk?!?”

It wasn’t that bad, but I went back and re-designed the entire thing. 16 hours later, he responded, “Beautiful.”

It’s called taking criticism within context and tone.

Do I get hurt from hearing criticism? Not these days. Back in my early years, I would get embarrassed and sometimes, even irritated. However, after working in the industry for so long, on top of the hundreds of projects I have done, dealing with hundreds of people over the last decade, it’s all just a part of the job.

“Oh you don’t like this? What do you want changed? The red? Well, right now, it’s reflective of the setting sun, the red yolk in the horizon. Ah I see, you want more orange, like a melted painting? Sure sure, why not?”

Then do it.

It all comes down with communication.

^ My mom and dad back in 1998/1999.

The number one thing I say to EVERYONE who has family, intimate, friendship and work-related issues is: OPEN COMMUNICATION.

If everyone around the world would just openly communicate their thoughts and feelings, the world would be a much better place. Then again, there are still the few who simply cannot take criticism of any kind.

Indeed, my friend and I were built differently. S/he grew up as the only child with a dad who has the same traveling passion s/he does, a passion in tennis trying to beat people down in tournaments and being good at what s/he did, and fulfilling the results his/her parents set out for him/her. I grew up through depression, major heart breaking failure, huge financial loss, mass betrayal, bullying where I stood up to the bullies and basically learned to appreciate all the hardships I went through coinciding that of my parents on top of what my parents envisioned me to be.

My dad tries to talk with me, but his problem is that today he would be nice and tomorrow, he would be flustered with something he disagrees with. On the other hand, my mom and I talk a lot. We talk at least twice a week, for hours. This wasn’t so in my teenage years. In my teenage years, I was almost considered a bully towards my mom. In my instances, I talked back so much and said so many hurtful things, that it made my mom cry.

As a grown up, thinking back on those days, really breaks my heart. Of course, I still get into the occasional argument with my mom these days, but nothing that lasts over two hours. I always let myself cool down, then go to my mom and apologize for flaring up my temper or my mom would try to play a joke with me afterwards.

I will always remember what my parents did for me, growing up versus the minuscule criticism they make once every now and then. Which by the way, they no longer say them. Well, how can they? I’m the only son who financially, emotionally and effort-fully support them. I know my mom was hurting all those years trying to bring me up and all these years, working her ass off, working over time, getting needles shoved into her thumbs and bleeding every where. I’ve seen her hands. They are rugged, scarred and her finger nails are all flat. Her hands are far from being as youthful as I remembered them when I used to live at Knightsbridge.

The least I could do is be there for them, even if they may not necessarily understand me. I just hope, as one of my friend’s closest friends, s/he will read this and take everything within context. It’s not always just about him/her. You’re not the only one hurting and more often than not, our parents just want us to be a part of how they thought us to be. It’s not their fault for being mom and dad. As sons and daughters, sometimes, we just need to take their words with a spoonful of sugar and respond, “Sure mom/dad” or “Okay mom/dad”.

If you let a few words get you down, how do you expect to live through life, have friends, have colleagues, have clients, have girlfriends/boyfriends, etc, etc, etc?

^ When I was about almost 3 years old with my mom, right after my brother was born and then when I was about a year old with my dad.

The world is a lot meaner. Trust me, I know from experiencing a myriad of things in various situations over my 30+ years here. Our parents should be the last people to push away, especially if at least one of them is trying his/her best to reconnect with you.

Without my mom, today, I would be in the shits, emotionally, mentally and physically. The fact I have a job, a good boss, stable-enough income, a nice home, a great mom, an okay dad, some of the greatest friends in the entire universe and the freedom to go hiking and biking is proof that it is important to stay connected with my loved ones.

In short: Grudges are meaningless. Despair is better shared with those who constantly offer their support. Words should always be taken within context and tone. We should always consider the entire foundation, rather than focus on the little crack on the doorknob.

After that, I fell completely asleep around 8am, woke up to my 9:51am alarm, drove my dad to work, called in sick again. Yeah, three days straight.

I had a dream, a very interesting intuition-induced dream. One I have not had for a very long time. These are the sort of dreams where people of religion interpret it as their god(s) speaking to them. My interpretation is simple and has been for the last twenty years. I call them “intuition-induced dreams”. They are dreams that initiate a phase to allow me to rid excess and concentrate on the core.

Today’s dream put me into a warehouse where there were derelict arcade machines, a pool table and an older computer. The warehouse was next to the docks, next to the ocean or river or lake. My cousin Brandon came over to visit me, but I was very tired and wanted my own time. So I tried locking myself up in the warehouse, but he managed to get in with his sister behind him, along with another woman, a bit older, wearing a conservatively longer skirt, glasses, a bluish blouse, with her bluish hair tied up. I did not recognize her, but she did resembled Grace O’Connor.

After some vague events, I ended up at a garden, much like the ones around QE Park and Kristl was there. I ended up hugging her and somehow, fell on top of her, while still hugging. I noticed one considerable difference in that hug versus the hugs I’ve made in reality. Foremost, her breasts were slightly larger and rounder in my dream. They were also quite nice and firm. This was something specific I noticed from my dream. Second, as I laid on top of her, I actually felt very uncomfortable because I am at my second week after my shot and this meant I would be very turned on by just the closeness and touch of another girl. Yet, she didn’t seem to mind at all and I think that’s the thing, especially and very specifically with Kristl.

To elaborate, I have always seen and connected with Kristl on a completely different level, especially comparing with my connections with ALL of my other female friends. I’ve mentioned this before and I will mention it again; Kristl is a very comfortable person to be with, especially on a one-on-one rendezvous. Her words are inspiring and her mind is something I can adore.

One thing that have stuck with me for I think will be the rest of my life, possibly into my next life, is that she once said that she is happy that no matter what happens between us, everything will always be good and the same. She’s completely correct. Mind you, I have not seen her for about a year and a half now, due to a vast list of reasons, but ultimately, it is simply because I am selfishly trying not to dilute myself any further, as I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008. This year was my year for meditation. I enjoy and honor my friendship with her and hope she would accept that, until hopefully, the near future where I will see her again.

This may be strange to the bulk of you, but it takes more freed mental sockets to connect with those that can connect with me on a spiritual sense. Those that cannot connect with me on a completely spiritual sense, but still can connect with me beyond the surface, takes only energy. “Freed mental sockets” means, I clear way for the other person’s own thoughts, to be shared with me. It’s like the uncommon wine and dine of exquisite foods and liquor.

ANYWAY, so back to the dream, I laid on top of her, hugging her and she asked me what it was that I needed. I was afraid of moving around in that position because if I were to move around in any way, something ‘odd’ may develop below, so I remembered I moved very very very very little and concentrated on her question. It took me awhile to answer because I answered completely genuinely, sub-consciously knowing that I was actually dreaming, that I was actually really talking with myself.

The first thing of two things I said was, “I need sex.” I did not give any reasons as to why I needed sex. She brushed the back of my head and I continued, “The other thing I really need is love, but my core is emptied.” At that moment, I imagined the blackened peaks of Black Tusk or The Lions, without the snow and ice and as I elaborated on that, I continued to imagined the peak of those mountains. I told her, “It was once green and lush, at my core.” At this moment, I imagined the peak of that mountain covered with greenery. “However, now, it’s bare and empty.”

I stopped for a bit as I noticed that she nodded slightly and gave me a tighter hug, then I continued, “I know that I can regrow that lushness again, but that means I will have to change myself.” At this point, Kristl shook her head in disagreement, but at the same time, I quickly ‘corrected’ myself, “I mean, not change but add new. Add more possibly.” At this point, she nodded slightly again and I continued, “I know what I can do to make it all green again, if that means to add something new to my life.”

Throughout this entire experience, while answering her question, I also thought about a ‘mind meld’ that Kristl did with me just as we fell down in the beginning. For a brief moment, she went into my mind and saw what I was struggling with. For a moment there, she had a complete connection with me, no walls, no barriers. Therefore, she verbally asked me that question. She knew what I needed, but wanted me to say it.

In reality, Kristl represents my core. My core knows what I want, how to achieve what I want and most of the major steps in doing them. The fact that I was holding her in that intimate position, was because my core is me, at the rawness of my very being – that I try not to put emphasize on, but apparently, ‘Kristl’ had simply reached out to me – my core reached out to me, to tell me that I can’t just brush it aside.

Now to clarify with my other friends, the way I see Kristl, as in the human person, is not simply another female nor just another friend. I have not yet developed enough of a relationship with Kristl, but I can almost apply a fictional metaphor to it. Guinan in Star Trek lore is Kristl and John Luc Picard is me. Not nearly as ancient, but that’s the way I feel. Indeed, I do have sexual attraction towards her, but know that I am a human male with the intricacies of the human male mind and bodily functions. However, as said, it is on a completely different level, at least I surmise as that. To clarify, it means I react to the sexual aspect as I naturally should. I don’t react to it because I want to sleep with her, which her brother thought.

I have to admit though, when Tom asked me suddenly out of the blue, my response was so messed up. I was obviously not prepared. I remembered I mentioned this with one of my other friends and he was like, “Man, that’s funny. I can see how you sound insincere, even if you were.” [sighs and laughs]

Anyhow, the dream is quite empowering, even on a soft note. The last time I had an intuition-induced dream was over a year ago, maybe even two years ago.

For the month of November, I’ll be showcasing images from my journeys into Aion as an Asmodian and then December, I’ll be showing images from Eve as a Minmater Special Forces captain.

Anyway, since my last entry, apparently it was obvious that my simplified thoughts are being interpreted differently. When some of my friends asked me in the past, “Why don’t you share your thoughts with us?” I had a good reason not to. If I under-explain my thoughts, misinterpretation happens. If I over-explain my thoughts, people get confused. If I use certain words, some people may translate that as being ‘hurtful’ or ‘condescending’.

Basically, in my mind, I constantly see an infinite space of strings and strings that stem from those strings and more strings that stem from those strings and so on and so forth. All those strings connect to an infinite space of planes or as I referred them as “onion layers”. Onion layers make up the profile of a person – inside and outside, beyond and in-depth. Strings represent connections.

Now, below is a simplified animated diagram of my connections:

As you can see, there are three rings and three tiers of balls. In reality, there is an infinite ‘amount’ of rings and an infinite ‘amount’ of shades and connections with an infinite ‘amount’ of layers.

Starting from the outside, the grey balls represent common society, communities within communities, social protocol. The grey ring represents learned social protocol. This is my ‘surface’ connection to the outside world.

The dark green balls represent my social circles. They make up all of the people I connect with on a social level. Sometimes, a few of those people can relate to me and can through that relation, connect with me that others in that social tier usually cannot. However, because their relationship to me and their connection is more often than not, obstructed by their social protocols, they can never really stay ‘inside’ the consistently connective aspect which makes up the orange ring.

The green coloured balls represents my confidants that stays consistently connected with me. Sometimes, as you can see, they are able to penetrate into the thick blue ring. The thick blue ring represents my silence to the outside world. It also acts like a mirror. People who don’t want to connect with my core or do not know how to connect with my core, often see a reflection of themselves unaware and translate what they see as who I am. However, as you can see, some of those people are actually able to penetrate that blue ring. Those are the people that either know how to connect with me or they become aware of their own selves and instead of pushing away, they further pull themselves into the core of who I am.

If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes, bounce outside the orange ring and even the grey ring. This is their social connection with the outside world. They belong to communities of other people that set them into those social protocols.

Now, the last thing is the orange ball in the middle that is shrinking. Well, that’s me. Actually, the whole ring structure is me. The grey ring represents my connection to social protocol. However, as you’ve noticed, it is far from my core. The orange ring represents my comfort zone in being able to express myself to a certain degree. The thick blue ring represents the barrier between the physical and the metaphysical, or in other words, my inner-most thoughts and feelings.

The orange ball is shrinking as you can see. The reason for this is my separation of social protocol and my inner self. THIS IS THE PART that Tabbyman completely and utterly misinterpreted. The part speaking about cycling and whether my friends Jason and Patrick sometimes go with me on the rides explains two paragraphs up starting with “If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes…” I was speaking about their connections with social protocol with their other friends and other communities.

/sigh

Now, I can explain each of those tiers in even more detail, but I think leaving it as this, is pretty clear. I just wish that my friends, those inside the orange ring would just understand sometimes, without getting into typing or reciting encyclopedias of information. My gosh. When was the last time I ACCUSED any of you of devalue or disconnection?? Hmmm? I ALWAYS take our connective history into perspective. Why did you think it took me so damn long to speak up to Albert? It wasn’t because I was afraid of him. It was simply because I was always considering his feelings and his own history of upbringing, hardships, heart breaks and etc, etc, etc. I would think that my friends by now, should be able to consider that my words mean more than what they seem and be able to put my history with those words together.

I.
Need.
A.
Beer.
Now.