More specifically, protecting the interests of the individuals that we’re bridged to. Today, I sent a short email to Spongey. Note that when I say “short”, it’s Leemanism short. ^_^ So I sent an email to her with as straight forward of a thought process as I could make it given the circumstance. Basically, removing all of the silly willowy stuff I often put in my emails, it came down to one thing: protection. I looked back at my entire life transitioning into my more adult lifestyles and noticed one common theme: selfish regard. While I was certainly to some [Read More…]
When I was young, a child, the view I saw was the Cypress Mountain amidst a sky of blue. I always associated that blue with my dad’s Nova. It was sky blue. It was also a car he seem to have been proud to own. So I wondered how he felt when he had to get a cheap second hand green Pontiac to replace it in the late 1980’s. When I was growing up, I often thought about my life ahead of my time. It worried me. When I was still in elementary school, I saw at my desk in [Read More…]
Earlier today, Amber went to the post office and sent the Immigration Application to Mississauga in Ontario. It cost about 52 Euros for a Premium postal service which includes tracking and insurance up to $500. They said it will arrive between 5-7 days. So that means by next Thursday, the Immigration Office should receive it. Once they get it, it should take about 30 to 55 days for them to see if I am eligible as a sponsor. I should be because I am 100% eligible based on the questions I had to answer. No criminal history, not on welfare, [Read More…]
The skies were blue, clear blue with not a cloud in it. Mountains were in the distance, familiar yet foreign. To me, they were paintings I could not touch and only see. I stood back down from the seven inch wall heater and looked away from the window. As I made my way out of the bathroom, I heard someone mumbling downstairs amidst the sound of the television. My father was in the family room, watching television, while my mother was cooking dinner. All that was on my mind was how nice the blue skies were and what laid beyond [Read More…]
“Mah Mee Ya” is what I call my mom. Sometimes, I call her “Mah Mee”, but I normally don’t because it sounds a bit childish to me, even though I am still a child in many ways. The most common thing I hear my friends or anyone say is “Mom” or “Ma”. My wife thinks that it’s cute that I call my mom “Mah Mee Ya” and wants to call her that one day as well. I smiled when she told me that, but there is also a part of me that is sad. Life is like a very rocky [Read More…]
While I was digging around in the dark in Minecraft, a memory surfaced of when I was a teenager or when I was in my early twenty’s. In my memory, in a previous night, my mom had thought she convinced me to go to dim sum with her, my dad and my brother. Then the next morning came and I told her I didn’t want to go anymore because I didn’t feel like it. At the time, my mom was already dressed and had walked into my room to wake me up and heard me say that. She responded disappointingly, [Read More…]
The title of this post is inspired by the Disney/Pixar movie “Up”. I’m actually watching it as I type out this entry. I’m at the point where they just got married and doing various things together, like lying down and watching cloud babies. Then they… Well for those who haven’t watched it yet, I won’t ruin it for you. …… Wow, that was so sad. It immediately made me thought, “I love you, wife.” Okay, maybe it’s a bad idea to watch it while I try to type out this post. ^_^ Haha, this part is actually pretty funny. I [Read More…]
The emphasize here is that I enjoyed my time at Calgary with Uncle Dick and Jason back at the end of February 2014. Somewhere inside of me was a man that enjoyed every moment of it, but at the same time, a large part of that man was filled with worry, anxiety, depression and everything that brought him down. Not long ago, I met with Tom after a long time. He wanted some coffee, so as we walked up the street, I stopped him and told him that in the past, I was numb to the feelings of others, while [Read More…]
I do not know when I first heard fireworks, but I can remember it was 1989, December 31st, near midnight and I looked out my small bedroom window thinking, “It is finally another decade.” I was 10 at the time and a mere two weeks short of my 11th birthday. It was not necessarily a moment to tell myself life will get tougher, but I have a feeling it was a moment of wonderment. I always looked toward the future as if it was a painting that I needed to uncover. I have uncovered it and found that there is [Read More…]
One of my favorite movies is The Young Victoria. It’s based on the overall story of Queen Victoria, from her time before being queen to when she married Prince Albert. I have watched that movie about three dozen times in a period of just a little over two years. “Is it that good?” Well, yes of course, but I think there is a more sub-conscious reason which I thought about some moments ago after I watched the movie again. I think it is a life that I would like to have with my wife Amber. Not necessarily being Royals, but [Read More…]
Since about two months ago, I had planned a Random Romance Postcard Campaign, but the postcards I ordered didn’t come in on time. So almost two weeks ago, I started it in which I send my wife over in Germany postcards separated by days determined by the roll of a ten sided die. How this works is that once I mail a postcard out, I give it a buffer time of seven days on top of whatever I rolled on the die. So if I rolled a “5”, then it will be 7 + 5 = 12 days later that [Read More…]
So we went out, caught up and I told him I’m married. I also found out he has a two year old kid. Geebus! A KID! Half of the evening was about Albert and the other half was a myriad of different things like my wife, our marriage, money issues, my brother, his own stuff, the food we had and some other stuff. He hasn’t changed much. He’s so solid and stable.
Ed laughed at the beginning of our conversation, before we said anything to each other and asked if I wanted to know what he knows first. So he told me that Albert’s “last straw” was the blog post I wrote about him and Jenny. Well obviously, that post was also my “last straw” as well, otherwise, I wouldn’t have posted it up. Ever since then, Albert and Jenny has held a massive grudge with me, which isn’t surprising at all.
The thing about Albert is that he holds grudges like his life depends on it. He will take it, ferment it in dark soya sauce mixed with rice wine and leave it somewhere dark and cold for centuries. Then at various times throughout his life, he will dig it up and take a sip from the disgusting putrid smelling grudge juice he loves. It empowers him to continue life as his pride requires it. Then when he has had enough of the grudge juice, he covers it up tightly and buries it again.
As for me, I grew out of my grudge. My grudge lasted about a year and a half. That’s why I called him in 2011 and then contacted both of them back in January this year.
With that said, once Ed finished his story with me, I told him the entire story, starting from the chain of events that happened about a year prior to that, like Ryan’s and Jenny’s birthday mesh-up, how I failed to be there at the hospital with Albert when he had appendicitis, the stupid anger-filled blog post I created and so on and so forth. Since the falling out with Albert and Jenny, I had gradually reconnected with friends long lost and strengthen the connection with existing ones.
Anyway, so that’s it about The Grudge. If you’re wondering, the old blog post which I already removed some time ago was called “The Uptight Duo -VS- The Laid Back Crew”. It’s too bad really. A long time ago, Albert was once pretty cool and easy to talk to. He just had that ‘extra bit’ about him that just worked. Unfortunately, the years went by and we both changed. It’s just that, I realized my changes and he didn’t realize his.-->
You might not realize this but that image above is the anime version of the girl in The Grudge. I don’t care what you say. She is and that’s final! ^_~ I used to adore horror films. I’m not talking about the gory kind. I’m talking about the freaky kind that creeps me out for years and years and years. However, as I got older, the more unyielding I got about entertainment. I now enjoy things that I didn’t normally like when I was younger and the things I used to do, no longer is a part of the mundanity [Read More…]
Reference: A Little Bit Of This A couple of nights ago, I hand wrote an apology letter to Albert. Then I went to Benny’s house at 8pm and asked him if he could help me hand deliver it to him because I had a feeling Albert would rip up my letter if I had mailed it to him. Two days went by and today, just suddenly out of the blue, I wanted to call him and apologize immediately. So I scoured my old emails, phone books, online phone directories and other places, looking for old contact numbers since my old [Read More…]
…and a little bit of that. The various somewhat recent stuff and things from Tom and Sam has rubbed off on me and gradually, I came to this point:
Love is a topic of debate amongst the masses, but I have ejected myself from such topics because people will always draw their own conclusions to as what it is. What is important is that at the point of me asking for Amber to marry me, my love for her was never at its peak. My love for her will always become more solidified as the years come and go and as our experiences together and apart help us realize what love means to both of us.
As time went on, I realized that what is missing in my life right now is not what is missing in our married life, but rather what is missing in me solely. Financial stability is what is missing and I knew this for a long time, but what is actually associated with my financial stability is my inability to stab through my fears, my phobias, my inhibitions. I feel worthless and useless, even though I work my ass off trying to get things going. The problem is that my life is in the whims of others.
When my wife is not next to me, I am prone to fantasize and flirt, just so I can feel I have a certain touch still. The thing is, the last few months since we got married, I have not acted as a husband should be. Correction, I think I should instead say that I have never acted as a lover and partner should be.
Often times, I think back on the three and a half years Amber and I have been together and all the hardships we went through. I am a very hard person to get along when people get close to me and here’s another thing, I can see this issue I have.
How many times has Amber shed tears because she couldn’t express her love to me the way she wanted to because the way I expected her to, was no where close to what I had in mind? I have said this before and I had acknowledged the fact that I do have these issues of temper and impatience and being anal. I could say I cannot help being me and I could also say she married me for the man I am, but as the man I am, she deserves more than this husk of a failure of a person. I know she loves me, but I don’t love myself enough and when I don’t love myself enough, it’s hard for me to see and feel pass my emotions and believe others for having much stronger feelings for me.
At the back of my mind, I unconsciously ask myself constantly: How could she love a person like me? I am a failure. I am useless. I cannot do anything. I have two arms, two legs, a brain, a will and so little confidence.
My friends always thought and strongly believed I am one of the most confident people they know. It must be the way I talk and express myself in public. In reality, I constantly feel very little, very tiny, very insignificant. I get my strength from my friends. They don’t realize this, but some of them do now.
I know it’s hard for two people in love to have their own problems, to be able to come to some sort of middle ground and solve their own problems, to try to help each other, to work towards being together. I constantly feel like I am hanging by a thread, but here’s the thing, even with this said, I know there are things and people around me constantly looking over me. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings that I spend time thinking about how I can thank them, but before I even get there, these problems that haunt me for so many years come back and slap me hard across my face.
Every little and big thing that my friends do, even at the face of scrutiny and often times to put up with my erratic bullshit, I remember and like now, this is the only time of many rare moments I get to finally say what I want to say to them and I want the world to know what they mean to me, before I lose the will to my demeaned life.
First and foremost, my wife Amber. We’ve had our problems but you know what? They were primarily my problems. How many times have I broken your heart my wife? And yet, you stuck with me. I had pushed you so far off the edge and you still climbed back up to me. I dug my own grave and what did you do? You dug me out of it. I took your heart you gave me and what did I do? I threw it into the sea. Yet, you found it again and shoved it back into my hands.
When I was in Germany the first time around, her mom wanted me to ask her daughter’s hand in marriage. I should have but I didn’t. Not because I did not respect her mom or her wishes, but because in some ways, I was defying the universe on whom I should be with. What I was actually doing was that I wanted to be the one who was the first and last person to decide who to be with in my lifetime. Unlike my work politics, I wanted to be the one to make the decision and the one who followed through with it. No one but you could reject that.
You know Amber, you’re the only person I think about when I am happy and when I am sad. Then when I establish you in my mind, I think about my friends and my parents and my brothers. Not quite in that order though. ^_^
I went through many intimate relationships since my teenage years and every girl I said “I love you” to simply does not match the non-verbal love I have for you. You are the rock in my life, the focal point of all of my desires, the necessity of what I need to do to better my situation and Amber, I want you to know why my friends mean so much to me…
In no particular order, Patrick is more than just a childhood friend since the summer of 1987. I met him before you were born my love and I am unsure why, but it breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for him throughout these years that he had to face his own issues on his own. I miss the days when we went to each of our houses to sleep over, to play together, to find our childhood so full of warmth and sunny days.
Each person has their own subjective perceptions of what life is about, how it should be, etc. I am such a harsh person. I wonder if he secretly hates me. I was barely changing from 1987 to 2014, as I observed him in his various stages leading to this point in our lives. What did I do? I gave him constructive criticism. Is that what a brother should do? NO! NOT THE TIME AND PLACE! He wanted someone to rant to and I failed that.
I was able to organize trips with strangers and new friends like Ryan Lacey because of Patrick. Yes, Pat wasn’t very good with keeping to times and schedules, but he was really good with at least one thing: being my friend and brother. Damn it Pat, why didn’t you just smack me upside the head? I am so hurt that you had to face all these things on your own. I wish I was there. Now you’re somewhere, trying your hand on something you’re passionate about and where am I? In front of this computer typing. WHAT THE HELL WOULD TYPING DO FOR YOU?
You sent me that text message awhile ago. You know which one. You gave me a gift and you didn’t even realize it. I had a feeling, but I never knew exactly. Let me tell you something…
In the late 1980’s, about a year or two after I met you and gained your friendship, I was out with my brother at the Mitchell school field. There was a fence that separated the field with a house that was abandoned and about to be bulldozed for the ‘new’ townhouses. There were kids there. I was on the field side. My brother was always very brave. He went ahead, to explore the abandoned house. I stayed on the field side. NOT because I was scared, but because I didn’t want to get into trouble. Guess what Pat? I thought of you. In my mind, I thought if you were there with me, you would have ‘lead’ me to go explore the abandoned house.
The next person is Benny. I met him in early 2008. We clicked right away. He’s a very likeable person, though a bit off. You know what’s weird? I associated him to the Goddess of Mercy, Guan Yin. Ask your wife who that is. She will know.
Everyone reading this, I want you to know that Benny has constantly tried his best to provide an environment that keeps me afloat. He goes above and beyond the line of duty and friendship to help me. This guy has four jobs: his day job, his baby/family, his NuSkin and Bang. He could easily sleep better at night, quit this shit, yet he doesn’t, at least not yet, but I have a feeling he wants to.
Here’s the thing Benny: you don’t owe me anything. You are not responsible for me. I am responsible for me. If Bang doesn’t work for you, just stop doing it. You’ve been hovering around like a god for a long time. It’s time you put your energy into someone more reasonable, like your baby daughter. Whatever happens to me, is not your fault, nor your problem.
Even though you said you value the money we make less than what you want us to earn, the thing is, what I earn will always scale to what I believe should be yours and mine as partners. You might not realize this, but the health of the company coincides with the health of the partnership. I argue with you because of my stupidity, but in the end, I always come to a middle ground with you because you are an excellent diplomat, but Benny, there is more to life than duty.
I know you tried your best, even with a ‘little’ holding back. So I thank you for that and more. I already knew. I just was being optimistic because I really wanted it to work.
Jason Lau, you should never ever underestimate the worth of your life. The worth of a person’s life is based on the quality of your relationships and how you relate to them. By yourself, worth is not even a part of the equation. There is no default value because it’s just not there. You once said to me that you envy me, that I have someone that loves me and would attend my grave if I died. Jason, if I never found Amber, I would surely hope that at the very least, my friends would attend my funeral and scatter M&Ms along with my ashes out into the Fraser River. Don’t mistake M&Ms for Skittles. I don’t like Skittles.
I value your life and your being. You thanked me for mentioning you in my “In My Journeys” video for Amber, but you didn’t realize that I was thanking you. Not only did I wanted to, but I needed to tell you in some archaic indirect way that I thank you. This is what I am thanking you for…
I once had a brother named Albert who was pretty much my all. We connected in almost every way. We would stand next to the water at Granville Island and he would start a question with a word or two, but before he even finished, I would answer his question. That was the sort of relationship we had.
You come very close to that. The biggest difference is that he became a man with a very dark bleak heart, a tyrant in the making, out for vengeance. I still miss him of course – the past of him. Then you came into my life and there has been many times where all you had to do was give me a certain look, a perverted wicked grin and/or the start of a sentence and I would know automatically what you were thinking. This sort of connection is super rare.
I envy the time you first met and became friends with Pat. I wish I was there too. So I could grow up with all of you.
-I will continue this at a later date--->
Temptation is a huge nuisance, even though it is also used as a driving point to achieve goals. Something reminds me constantly that no matter the distance, no matter whether my wife is near or on a different planet, that when I asked her to marry me, it meant that I am exclusively hers. I confess that this far distance and the troubles that come with distance has set me on a wobbly path leading down to acting upon temptation, but here’s the thing, the universe it seems has always looked out for me, no matter how insignificant I may [Read More…]
In the past, when I was with Cindy, she told me that I wasn’t there with her when her mom was in the hospital. That was back in the beginning of 2005. This one stuck with me since then. Recently, my wife told me she wished I was at the funeral with her when her family attended a funeral for her aunt’s daughter, whom died from a miscarriage. That made me feel very down because I should have been there and it reminded me of what Cindy told me. In my mind, sometimes, I imagine if my mom or my [Read More…]
I find myself catching the calendar dates every now and then. I think to myself: “Two weeks ago today, I left Germany and have arrived back home already. I would be sleeping at around this time.” Last weekend, I also thought: “Two weeks ago, Amber and I got married. One week ago, I left Germany. Three weeks ago, I was on a plane to Frankfurt.” I tend to do that a lot on things memorable and meaningful to me. Whenever I am left alone downstairs in the kitchen where the calendar is, I would look back on the dates then [Read More…]