This song is from the ‘pondering days’ of my youth. The days after lost and exposure. This was 1999.

A few weeks ago, my mom shed a tear for me with a slightly whimpering voice she said in Cantonese: “You choose the hardest path, walk the toughest road, through the thickest of obstacles to achieve a little enjoyment and when you get that sparkle of joy, life smacks you back down and you walk another difficult road. It breaks my heart to see you go through such a life.”

It is not a wonder why people often abandoned me. Most people cannot stand a person with a precision mind. Those that can are either extremely tolerant or extremely patient, probably both.

I am a walking contradiction. My greatest traits are also my biggest weaknesses. I need sleep.

A long time ago, an ex intimate companion told me she met a guy who told her that he’s not a fighter but a lover and this made her laugh in a good way. At the time, I smirked a little and thought, I’m exactly the opposite.

One of the first things I told Albert since he and I reunited over a decade ago was what I would like to do for the world if I had that wealth, power and influence. I wanted to create opportunities for people to blossom. Whether that opportunity is an opportunity of love, to find love, to break love and to heal, to find friendship, to find family, to find their true passion, to help them grow, to help them find themselves and to find others, in short, I just wanted to use my wealth, my power and influence to create a world where people can find a true angel. However, not an angel they can see or assign credit to because I would stay in the background through others, through charities with no religious or political ties. Just people that want to do good for others.

You may wonder why I want to do this? I think it has to do with how my mom raised me. We have a simple family with complicated issues. However, through all that, my mom has always been where she ‘has to be’ and she did this because she is mom. Does she take credit for being mom? No, in fact, she takes credit for blame and the endless arguments we’ve had in the past. Yet, she keeps doing what she does for us.

Through a city, a garden, an alley, a library, a beach, a spiral staircase pass a single father, holding his daughter’s hand, crossing a street, watching a red balloon cut loose and floating up into the sky to meet a distant plane flying to another country, where wedding bells ring far away and a woman’s heart breaks as she lays a bouquet of her mother’s favorite flowers on her coffin surrounded by loved ones to remember her by. The soldier that loses his legs from a mine that comes home unable to find a job, with a family that is stressed out, to a wife that is hopeless. The lost child kidnapped by a stranger and held prisoner for decades. The athlete who stares through a window into a television screen where two professional tennis players play in England. The homeless sister and brother playing the guitar near a bridge to earn some food money from passerby’s.

I want to create groups of people and fund them to help create a creative environment where these people can somehow stumble upon it and subtly take the steps to make things happen for themselves. Ultimately, they can credit that to God, Buddha or whoever they want, but in reality, it is other humans that helped them, that gave them a chance.

Our world is huge, yet only a speckle upon the backdrop of this universe. If we were to survive, we need each other and I want to be one of them to create opportunities for others. I want to extend my hand out to them. I want to learn and teach people how to take care of themselves and how to reach out to others.

…because I want to and this makes me feel good. I am a fighter and a terrible lover. I fight for my family, my friends and even strangers sometimes, but I am not a lady’s man, the lover to bring home to meet your parents or the friend you want messing up your social status. I work best behind curtains, anonymous.

Sometimes, I wish I can live eternal, but the idea saddens me that I will lose all those that I’ve had relations with – my family, my friends… Yet, I can do good for this world and I can develop a system where my life can just ‘turn off’ when the world no longer needs me.

A lot of people do not support the Royal family of the United Kingdom and her Commonwealth nations because they believe two things primarily:

1) A waste of tax payers’ money
2) One person should not hold all the power

Alas, “a waste of tax payers’ money” means you give a bit over $1 to the Royal family per year. Yes, $1 per year per person. Furthermore, a huge portion of that money goes to charities. Yes, the Queen of the United Kingdom and her Commonwealth nations donate a large portion of the $1/yr that you give in your taxes to charities around the world. In fact, Her Majesty donates to over 600 – SIX HUNDRED different charities around the world. Her son, Prince Charles also established his own charity and donates to many charities around the world. When Princess Diana was still alive, she was a patron to over one hundred charities around the world and she was involved directly with many humanitarian organizations.

As yourself: How many charities do YOU donate to per year AND how much money do YOU donate to charities per year? I bet most of you donate less than $1000 per year. So tell me dear citizen, how is your $1/yr being ‘wasted’ on royalty? Answer me you traitorous swine!

Yes, I am very annoyed when the ignorant spout crap about our Queen and the Royal House. When you think you know something and speak ill of our Queen, I suggest you shut up and go read some books, history, take some classes and broaden your mind.

It sickens me that this world that I am born in has so many ignorant, narrow minded, selfish people.

Just as well, our Queen is no longer a person of primary power. You might then ask: “Why do we then support the Royal house?” The answer is simple: because they represent ‘the family’ of nations in which we all belong to. She is our figurehead – the ‘mother’ we look toward to when the government is being abusive in power. Yes, our government. Indeed, she is still just a figurehead, but she represents us who seek more than ourselves, to hold us together, to hold her nations together.

I am Canadian. You are Australian, English, New Zealander and so on and so forth. We are her ‘sons’ and ‘daughters’.

Alas, a tradition, a worthy tradition undermine by the ignoramuses of our society. My dear readers, contemporary and progression is nice. I support it, but I also support tradition, family, togetherness. We stand united, we must, else, we stand separated.

Look at the United States of America… They are hardly “united”.

Remember World War 1 and 2: we stand united. We’re one. Let us continue to be one! Long live the Queen!

You’re my dad, dad and I wished you were more than just my father.

I was always scared of you. Not because you beat us or anything like that. I was scared of you because you meant what you said, even if your heart was hurting. Yeah, I knew. I didn’t need mom to tell me that. I knew since I was young that you loved and cared for Edmond and I, but you had pride. You still have pride, but fortunately, you’re a lot better now than before and I thank you for evolving yourself for yourself, for us, for mom. Mom deserves this change.

Yes, sometimes, I wish I was more successful, earned more money, gave you and mom more money and effort, but I am me now and this is who I am with all my faults. I do wish I was different, but if I was different, I wouldn’t be me.

Mom said this to me once, as she put her hand gently on the side of my face, “You’re a good son. Too bad you just don’t make more money.” To a westerner’s thought, you may think she is being selfish. Alas no. She thinks with her heart. Her biggest worry is that when she is no longer here and my dad is no longer around, that I cannot take care of myself. I can, but it’s just that, I took one of the hardest routes possible.

If I was a dad, what would be my biggest worries for my children? I genuinely want them to be happy, secured, peaceful and of course, considerate and thoughtful.

—–

To the son or daughter I will never have:

Dear Son/Daughter…
I love you so much, you have no idea. If you are gay, heterosexual, bi, pan, whatever you are, I love you. To make me proud, is to make yourself proud.

-your dad

—–

I wish I can share with you what I see inside of here. Would you turn away like so many? Would you just ridicule because you’re so narrow minded? Would you deny me because I am not a part of your massive world?

Where are you Leeman? I miss you so much.

I can taste the music. It rolls off my tongue. I can sing it in my mind. It is… It is powerful. It is here in all of my mind.

That sword that protected me and that shield that kept them at bay…
You have done your duties. Now would you please let me go?

The years come and go and I thank you. You know who you are. ALL of you. I wish I can go back in time as a ‘spirit’ and shake the hand of a soldier that will fall, look him in his eyes and knowingly tell him that I appreciate him and his duty.

I am a Canadian, with parents born in Hong Kong because of you – all of you. I thank you. To those long gone, recently gone and still here: thank you. I thank you.

Dad, thank you.

Just a bit passed 32 years.

I am going to share a secret I have not told anyone. Patrick hates that I start sobbing out like a little boy crying for the first time after being hit by a train every time I get to a point of ‘no return’ when I get drunk. From the entries and the things I’ve told him in the past, he thinks my sadness comes from my hardships. Alas no, none of my sadness comes from that.

My mom has on many occasions told me that she doesn’t ever want me to feel burden with the things I go through in life. I told her on every single one of those occasions that I choose this path. The burden is a mental thing. I choose this, therefore, it is not a burden.

Everyone moves forward in their own little ways. Others faster. Many, slower. We see this every day, every single, every moment. The reason why we are here still in the dark ages is because so many of us cannot move any faster, look beyond this dreadful life we all share. I am no different, but I wish I was different. I wish I can move faster and see beyond this, but the problem is that no one is here to see it with me.

I often have dreams where I am alone, serving a very great cause, but my role has always been hidden and secretive. In my dreams, they are vivid and so real, I can feel the cool breeze against my skin, the ‘touch’ of another person, the faint sound of someone calling my name. My dreams are my nightmares and I have had them for so long, so very long. Since I was a toddler, I keep having these dreams and I cannot escape them.

I once dreamed that I had to make a decision to destroy the world with one button, so the world can restart.

I am sad because I live two lives. In one life, I serve a great cause and I have a lot of power, but I am always alone and I always fear for those close to me and I always segregate myself from them to protect them. In the other life, I am awake and I serve no one but myself and I have friends, family, Amber, my fantasies of cats and my music of course, but I stay close to them so I can watch them and aid when it seems they need it.

“Who am I?” is a question I HAVE NEVER once asked myself. Ever.

Who am I? What is my purpose? Where am I going? Where will I end up? Who will be there when I am dying?

In many sequences of my life, I have sought out religion, God, Gods, goddesses, the universe, everything that my will would allow me and ultimately this is what I am and these are my ideals: I have one life to live. I KNOW for a fact I have one life to live. When a knife cuts me, I bleed. When that van hit me, I could have died but instead, lost vision in one eye. When someone punches me, it hurts and I get a bruise, but no where in my life have I experienced a voice that booms out to me and everyone and say: “You have more to one life”. I have one life and I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, Amber.

I cannot stand the idea that I will lose my mom one day and this makes me very sad. I know she is hiding things from me, but she won’t tell me what it is and I act like it’s like every other day. Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Must be nice to be selfish.

I ‘should’ have become a musician.

Okay… What can I do? What can I do to help this problem I have? I know the answer. I always know the answer. That’s what Pat said to me, at least paraphrased anyway.

I know what to do, but I am not there yet. I think I will be there soon, but it’s still hard for me regardless.

So what is it? It’s just that I see it, but so many just don’t. I know this is silly, but… /sigh Never mind.

Staying motivated means my passion is there, but it’s not there. I hardly feel motivated these days. Right now, there is only one thing I am looking forward to and that is seeing the completion of this project. However, I wish there is more that drives me.

Seriously, isn’t that simply fucked up? And the thing is, we can’t do anything to save them because they will continue to live in that sort of culture and continue to be mistreated.

Canada is a huge place with only a little over 33.7 million people. It’s as large as all of Europe and the Middle East combined and it has seen a lot less war, a lot less injustice and a lot less turmoil. Reasoning: because we’re one country and not dozens of tiny countries with vast political and religious differences. It’s at times like this, that I take a lot of pride in being Canadian living in Canada. Indeed, this country has its own problems, but I rather have these sort of problems than to have the problems of those tiny countries with too much moronic pride and retarded ‘justice’.

The only person I’ve known… Actually no never mind. Laura, you can ask me later when I finally come out of my hermit shell.

Patrick took me out to a pasta place for my birthday. What a nice cozy place. That was about half a month ago. Thanks for all your birthday wishes, but honestly, wish all of you forgot about it. Amber also called and sang me the happy birthday song. So sweet.

Tune: “By Your Side” by Sade

I’ll tell you what I miss though… I miss the days or nights where half a bottle shared between two people sitting across from each other in a dark room listening to music like this, solved the evening’s stresses and achieved relief from the week’s work woes – amongst other memorable days and evenings.

At times, I remind myself: “It’s not a bargaining chip to do things for others” and I try my best naturally ‘try’ my best to never feel or think that what I do is a bargaining chip for anything. I cannot expect others to be as perceptive and ‘omniscient’ as I am. ;)

Bed time. Good night Leeman.