One of my favorite tunes. “Change” by Deftones.

I’m just very stressed right now, coinciding Amber. It’s compounded, but ultimately, has nothing to do with her. It’s all me. It’s all in my head. It’s hard dealing with it because I have no outlet.

Now, before Amber comments on this post, don’t. ^_^ This is a problem with myself. There is nothing anyone in the entire universe can say to make me feel otherwise. I’m a lonely old sod with a lot of ambition, but just no drive. It’s easy to get what I don’t care for, but difficult to get what I really want.

I need another drink, but the only alcohol in the house is my brother’s bottle of Corona in a special Mexico bottle, which I am not going to open… BUT… THERE IS a bottle of Johnny Walker Golden Label I got from a client eight years ago. I will never make another $100,000. That’s not going to happen. I’m opening it tonight to celebrate my stress at an all-time high. Cheers!

In the end, I suffer from the choices I make.

One day, I hope America can come out of its 234 year old shell and embrace what is obvious. I also hope that people will eventually rise out of their cocoons and accept this fact, because as it stands, this simple and very basic right is still not recognized in many places around the world.

I had a strange experience over the last few days. For a moment, I started to fall for a ‘stranger’. Her life, where she lives, her feelings now, her desires, her goals – all of which I can completely relate to. I had already been numbed out for a few years now, numbed more so in the last two years, until of course, I get drunk, alone mainly. I didn’t think much of it until very suddenly. Then she told me this morning she needed me, at a weak point, where I can completely relate to as well. Yet, being used to giving serious objective advice and perspective, I told her as I would tell all of my other friends and that ‘ruined’ it for her. Now she has retreated and I am left here gradually becoming numb again.

She very abruptly reminded me that I can feel those emotions again, but with a line of misplaced words, it felt like all that I have shared with her became meaningless. Can anyone ‘blame’ me for being the way I am today?

If she does not contact me again, then life continues as it has always been. It was very different and she was quite interesting.

It’s karma, from my past, coming back to keep smacking me down. Must I become the only master of my domain, unable to share it with someone who can connect with me? Must I only invite my close ones every now and then for tea and noodles? Can I not have someone who simply can understand?

She needs someone who can inspire her, to subset a part of her emotional needs – someone stronger, but can also relate; someone more ‘mature’ and considerate. Who am I, but a stranger who became somewhat like a lighthouse, if only briefly. I have never relied on anyone else, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. It just simply means, I have always been forced to rely on no one else.

I am holding up the entire universe with my meager existence. Can someone come help me wipe off some of my sweat? It’s getting into my eyes and it stings.

“Get It Together” by Beastie Boys:

Just because I’m vulgar sometimes, it doesn’t mean I am tactless. It comes within context of the subject.

Many of my friends think I give good criticism. I have never given bad advice, to say the least. Bad advice is sugar coating crap, things that only make you all fuzzy, even if you suck. I’m not that sort of person. I’m the sort of person who will say something is nice if I mean it. I will also say something is awesome and mean it too. If I say it’s okay, then it’s okay.

I would only give my dosage of criticism if someone asks me for it. Most of my friends that ask me have told me they appreciate the bluntness and transparency. I say, “You’re welcome.” If I wasn’t blunt and transparent, then you deserve a better person to go to for advice and opinion.

However, I have met with one obstacle that I recently came across. I won’t say his/her name, but since s/he has picked up his/her new hobby, s/he has become more and more apparent about his/her own goals, style, technique and follow ups. As time went on, s/he became more and more in despair on how s/he wanted to tackle this. S/he has asked for my view on things every now and then, but I have to confess that s/he is one of the most difficult people to talk to. I actually have to watch what I say. I don’t fear if s/he would blow up or not. Instead, what I ‘fear’ is that my words would go to waste.

I’ve been giving advice and opinion for about ten years now. The tone of my criticism goes within context. If Brandon asks me what I think about his guitar playing, I will tell him that it sounds great for the level he is at, with the amount of time he has spent on it. If he asks me how it compares to other people I know, I will tell him that he has some ways to go.

Some people in my industry had asked me what I think of their work and if they are not doing a project with me, then I ask, “You want my personal opinion or do you want a general opinion?” They always give me this, “Your opinion of course! Is it really bad?”

My most common positive answer: “It’s not bad. However, I suggest you do A, B and C and maybe you can add X, Y and Z. What do you think?”

Sometimes, they would ask me why and I would tell them my opinion, but I would add, “Ultimately, it’s your work and your perception. If it works for you, then it works for you.”

However, if they’re working with/for me, I will tell them my personal opinion. If it hurts their feelings and they try to bite back with their little fangs, it simply means we’re not compatible working together.

In my 11 years in the industry, I’ve worked with roughly a dozen different photographers, about a dozen different designers, a handful of film and video people, movie directors, producers, technical designers, illustrators, a myriad of artists and models. There is bound to be criticism and disagreements. Heck, Benny and I have had disagreements in the past and we still work together after five years.

I remember my first mock-up of the Fleet Street Outdoor rate card package, the president’s first line read: “Was he drunk?!?”

It wasn’t that bad, but I went back and re-designed the entire thing. 16 hours later, he responded, “Beautiful.”

It’s called taking criticism within context and tone.

Do I get hurt from hearing criticism? Not these days. Back in my early years, I would get embarrassed and sometimes, even irritated. However, after working in the industry for so long, on top of the hundreds of projects I have done, dealing with hundreds of people over the last decade, it’s all just a part of the job.

“Oh you don’t like this? What do you want changed? The red? Well, right now, it’s reflective of the setting sun, the red yolk in the horizon. Ah I see, you want more orange, like a melted painting? Sure sure, why not?”

Then do it.

It all comes down with communication.

^ My mom and dad back in 1998/1999.

The number one thing I say to EVERYONE who has family, intimate, friendship and work-related issues is: OPEN COMMUNICATION.

If everyone around the world would just openly communicate their thoughts and feelings, the world would be a much better place. Then again, there are still the few who simply cannot take criticism of any kind.

Indeed, my friend and I were built differently. S/he grew up as the only child with a dad who has the same traveling passion s/he does, a passion in tennis trying to beat people down in tournaments and being good at what s/he did, and fulfilling the results his/her parents set out for him/her. I grew up through depression, major heart breaking failure, huge financial loss, mass betrayal, bullying where I stood up to the bullies and basically learned to appreciate all the hardships I went through coinciding that of my parents on top of what my parents envisioned me to be.

My dad tries to talk with me, but his problem is that today he would be nice and tomorrow, he would be flustered with something he disagrees with. On the other hand, my mom and I talk a lot. We talk at least twice a week, for hours. This wasn’t so in my teenage years. In my teenage years, I was almost considered a bully towards my mom. In my instances, I talked back so much and said so many hurtful things, that it made my mom cry.

As a grown up, thinking back on those days, really breaks my heart. Of course, I still get into the occasional argument with my mom these days, but nothing that lasts over two hours. I always let myself cool down, then go to my mom and apologize for flaring up my temper or my mom would try to play a joke with me afterwards.

I will always remember what my parents did for me, growing up versus the minuscule criticism they make once every now and then. Which by the way, they no longer say them. Well, how can they? I’m the only son who financially, emotionally and effort-fully support them. I know my mom was hurting all those years trying to bring me up and all these years, working her ass off, working over time, getting needles shoved into her thumbs and bleeding every where. I’ve seen her hands. They are rugged, scarred and her finger nails are all flat. Her hands are far from being as youthful as I remembered them when I used to live at Knightsbridge.

The least I could do is be there for them, even if they may not necessarily understand me. I just hope, as one of my friend’s closest friends, s/he will read this and take everything within context. It’s not always just about him/her. You’re not the only one hurting and more often than not, our parents just want us to be a part of how they thought us to be. It’s not their fault for being mom and dad. As sons and daughters, sometimes, we just need to take their words with a spoonful of sugar and respond, “Sure mom/dad” or “Okay mom/dad”.

If you let a few words get you down, how do you expect to live through life, have friends, have colleagues, have clients, have girlfriends/boyfriends, etc, etc, etc?

^ When I was about almost 3 years old with my mom, right after my brother was born and then when I was about a year old with my dad.

The world is a lot meaner. Trust me, I know from experiencing a myriad of things in various situations over my 30+ years here. Our parents should be the last people to push away, especially if at least one of them is trying his/her best to reconnect with you.

Without my mom, today, I would be in the shits, emotionally, mentally and physically. The fact I have a job, a good boss, stable-enough income, a nice home, a great mom, an okay dad, some of the greatest friends in the entire universe and the freedom to go hiking and biking is proof that it is important to stay connected with my loved ones.

In short: Grudges are meaningless. Despair is better shared with those who constantly offer their support. Words should always be taken within context and tone. We should always consider the entire foundation, rather than focus on the little crack on the doorknob.

Most of yesterday, I thought about stuff. It is correct what I thought. I knew the answers of course. However, I already think about what I can do to help myself. Am I doing it? I am, which is an oddity because it is out of my norm. Though, I did forget to continue it yesterday. So I have to do it today.

I know if I don’t try, I will continue to regret, but at the same time, I fear of being discovered, discovered that I am less than what I was, becoming what I am. I fear that she would discover me as just a wretched human being that seek something that other humans want.

My friends may not know this, but my mom does. When I want to express desire and refuge, instead, I express equanimity and indifference. I did not have a bad childhood, but since my childhood, I have been conditioned to keep my cool and be self-reliant. The problem is that almost all of my emotions, mainly the more negative ones become bottled up, filtered, divided up and re-organized in my psyche. Over time, as I age, in the uncommon scenarios I indulge in wine and other liquor, I find those sealed wounds swell up as if they were recently slashed at. Therefore, I mainly drink alone at home, away from those that can see me from the inside out.

This early Autumn gave way some of that bottled up emotion. It was terrible at best. Waterfalls of tears poured out of my eyes, as I sat at a bar amongst some friends, trying to drink to my heart’s desire. It was embarrassing because I realized two things that night.

1) People protect themselves for the sake of keeping face

and

2) Honesty does not always mean a good person. Honesty basically means that a person is able to express him or herself more openly.

In my equanimity, I am almost dishonest with myself. So when I see my friends, I turn on the ‘goofball’ switch for two reasons.

1) To add fluff to the group

and

2) To open up a facet of my psyche, where I can vent a bit of myself without revealing other parts of my mind.

This may seem strange, but I have a question and it is constantly answered. I automatically always have a question in my head that is automatically always answered. I always ask it, even though it already has an answer.

You’re right Michelle, you’re right, but I’m not going to admit it. I already know what you’re going to say based on what you have already said and I accept it, but I am not going to admit. I won’t deny it. I just won’t admit it. I can’t because I choose not to, because I am a slave to my psyche. I put these bonds on myself, locking myself down, unwilling to move. I accept it, but I won’t admit it. I won’t even say it, but I accept it and I want to change it. No, wait. I want someone else to change it for me. Okay, I admitted a part of it. I want someone to change some of it for me. I am not going to say any more or you’re going to laugh at me. You won’t laugh to belittle me. You will laugh because I am foolish and because I know and accept that I am foolish.

I am hard on others, just as I am ‘hard’ on myself, but I don’t consider it hard. I consider it as logical and reasonable. Other people may require some pillow stuffing and cotton candy to soften the words, but I don’t like to be that soft. I have since my childhood, been self-reliant on my own happiness, until I was old enough to experience the emotional and physical comfort of a female, who willingly gave herself to me. At those times, I feel elated and comfortable, but at the same time, I was aware I am surrendering myself to that elation and comfort and that counters my upbringing. I feel ‘at home’ when I am by myself, riding those long distances on my bike, resting at the turn-around point, looking across the horizon, thinking about my travels, no matter how limited that reach was. I feel elated and comfortable when I am with my friends, but that reliance counters my upbringing.

In my visions, my friends, my family are all huddled together in a derelict building. I smile at each of them and sneak out when everyone is sleeping. The rest of the vision is left for another time, in person. There are far too many people with over-simplified mentalities. Why do I care what they think of me, a stranger? The question would better be asked, “Why do I care if I share my treasure with strangers?”

The question always has the answer. I ask the questions and I always have the answers. The answers are always correct, but I still ask the questions because I want to change, yet I am unwilling to change that much. Therefore, I want someone else to change a part of it for me. That’s all I am going to say.

Epic.

I dream of traveling. I dream of visiting places that will bring me visually intensive grandeur. I wish to walk, tread, take a stroll in places where it would give me a lot of spiritual integration and comfort. Allowing myself to be with everything that I can see would be an epically awesome thing to experience. However, I cannot. There are things I have given up on. Quite a many things – at least, in my perspective.

It was nice to smile a little when Pat said, “It would be great if we can go hike Mount Fuji.” Indeed, it would. I’ve only seen Mount Fuji once in my entire life through these eyes of mine. It was when we were flying back to Canada from Hong Kong way back in 1993. The sun was behind it and I could see Mount Fuji in all its glory. I still remember it to this day.

When I was up there, I kind of wished I was up there alone, especially when I looked down through the window and saw the lights of Japan’s cities. Tiny lights moving slowly about. That memory reminded me of our 2007 flight from Hong Kong, when the jet’s captain did a circle in Hong Kong airspace before leaving.

I mentioned I am a tad superstitious in a prior entry. I am, really, though I do not hope for things to happen. I cannot say what I am superstitious about. That is for me to know and it is a secret I have to keep with me for a long time before I can ever expose it, if I ever remember to expose it. However, to say a little bit about it, I have to thank my dad for it. Let’s just say, I can’t thank him directly. I can only do it through the things I can do for him and my family.

I only realized it recently, probably about two or three days ago. I don’t exactly remember what it was, but it came subtly. So, this is my sacrifice. If in two years, we all manage to pull off the trip to Europe, awesome. If not, you will all understand. I’ll be for sure envious, but what I cannot do for myself, others will continue to do it for themselves. That is better than never being able to do anything ever for everyone.

Experiences can only be created, if you have:

1) the freedom to do it
2) the will to do it

So, do it.

Tune: “Diamond Crevice” by Yoko Kanno, Sung by May’n (Sheryl Nome)

Of course, there is a lot I wish to see with these eyes of mine. There are a lot of things I won’t do to meet those desires but there are a lot of things I would do to meet those desires at the same time.

The universe in me. That’s what I feel day in and day out.

I was just thinking that one big reason why humanity has not traveled the stars just yet, is because we are not an unified race. People still believe in the ego-driven individualism of the Chinese race, the White race, the Black race, the Japanese race, the Arab race, etc, etc, etc. As I’ve always believed, we are one race with different cultural backgrounds. That’s all. Until we all believe we are all one race, we can never move a step forward.

With that said and as I’ve said over and over again, I am not Chinese. I may look like a person born in China, but I was born in Canada and my English is nearly perfect. My Chinese on the other hand is lacking and my Cantonese is soggy at best. I am tired of unnecessary words but when people ask me if I am Chinese, I usually say “yes” or add “I am of Chinese-descent”. In factual truth, I am Canadian. Canadians are not a race of people. We are a generalized culture from our country of birth and/or upbringing.

Remember, I believe that Grace Hospital that used to be near the Vancouver Children’s Hospital was indeed located in Canada. I’m sure my birth certificate proclaimed me as Canadian. Until anyone can prove that at the time I came out of my mom’s stomach, I was indeed inside Chinese airspace or territory, I am a Canadian of the race of humans.

With that out of the way, the planet is not unified in that belief. Aside from the ‘race’ egotism based on our country of birth and/or upbringing, we have the problem of religion. As some of you may know, I am not an advocate of religion. I understand why it exists and there is no way it cannot since all hardcore religious followers use circular logic in dealing with logic and reasoning, humanity as it is, is quite lost.

The proof is in the ‘existence’ of an invisible entity that religious people are persistent to believe in. This poses a problem because so long as that ‘existence’ of an invisible entity is believed in, the progression of space and human sciences will never be moved forward at the speed in which to save ourselves from the failing eco system of our planet.

For humanity to move beyond what we are right now, we must unify our racial individualism and we must purge religious absurdity. In its place, I encourage philosophy in an intellectual and spiritual way. I encourage science to prove and disprove its own theories. I encourage politicians to take time to listen to the people who elected them, rather than the people who gave them the authority. I encourage people to ask questions – lots of them. I encourage people to fall down and get hurt and don’t be afraid to ask around for help back on your feet.

For myself, I’ve fallen a lot. Of course, I’ve learned to stabilize myself and in other times, how to fall. With that, I’ve also learned how to pick myself up. The difference between me and most of everyone I know personally, is that I picked myself up almost every time. My parents call that stubbornness. I call it persistence to move forward.

In my life, I’ve tried many different spiritual and religious perspectives. The inner voices I listen to could be interpreted in varying ways but as I grew up, going through all the things I’ve gone through so far, ultimately, I knew that for all these years, the only voices I’ve really been listening to came from my heart, my passions, and those that sincerely care about me.

That’s why the universe is within me. Mathematically, that isn’t impossible. We just have to expand our minds a bit and beyond. Spiritually, I am one of many, but I am the power that drives the things inside of me. Whether I have been truly awoken yet is up for debate, but I know this much, I am definitely aware of my own existence. With that unfortunately, it is also a great curse.

Most people I have had the opportunity to interact with or witnessed have not awoken yet. They live their lives in a linear mind frame. They may have flexible thought and reactions, but from my perception, they don’t actually realize their own existences and their integration into the world and in the universe. Mind you, I don’t realize my integration into the universe. I cannot grasp it at the moment. In fact, I’m still trying to come to terms to my integration with the world.

So as I come to terms with my existence, I have all these desires. These desires of impulse, possible naivety. and fantasy.

I want to see the universe with my own eyes.

Jon, can you create a space folding device by next Saturday? I want to see Jupiter and Saturn by Sunday.

Albert, how much will it cost for the materials? I’m guessing it shouldn’t cost very much. That is, it shouldn’t cost anything at all but the materials themselves if the world was unified for space travel.

What we need is to start anew. If we can create one city, a frontier city that its administrators are not afraid of advancement through science and technology with the basic morals of base rights and ‘wrongs’, we can segregate the truly intellectual and philosophical from the fanatics and unreasonable.

I envision a great city with 500 meter walls made of some form of radiation resistant alloy. Within those walls is a city void of toxic pollution. It will be along the shores, facing towards the ocean. Every 10 blocks or so, a shrine of sorts will have digital displays that output constantly updated data on the goals of the city, including and not limited to localized news and events. With a touch of a button, people can view maps, construction sites, and even search for shops and such.

I have this vision and these ideas but I’m in the wrong industry and I’m too old to make that sort of difference. If I was truly ambitious, someone would recognize my ideas and my ideals, and spend large amounts of money and effort into those ideas and ideals. Alas, no one is willing to make those fantastical risks and so we all continue to live mundane lives, to pass time and come to terms with whatever we align ourselves to in our current state.

It’s really too bad. When babies’ heads continue to be blown off due to massive bombs that go off for the illusion of eliminating terrorism, or ridding the world of a government capable of invading our most basic needs of personal privacy. Of course, we can say that it is the individuals in power that commit such atrocities, but you have to remember who gave them that power in the first place. You can argue that the Republican or the Liberal or the Socialist ideals are not what make the crimes the individuals commit. Of course you can, but it gives reason for those individuals to commit in the first place.

When we can finally eliminate the excuses for the individuals to justify their commitments on, we can then eventually eliminate the justifications themselves. It’s like saying Islam is to blame for the hundreds of deaths caused by road side bombs, but that’s just an excuse to satisfy your own ego for what you do not know and do not know enough of. That’s just as bad as blaming Christianity for the thousands of deaths caused by the American invasion force into the Middle East.

Of course, the statements can’t be truthful, but those statements are excuses that are used by either side and the same side.

I remember a long time ago, a Triad and a Hong Kong police officer joked together in Cantonese “Lord Quan must be in confusion as both the underworld and law enforcement pray to him for protection and guidance.” Of course, both Islam and the followers of Christ pray to the same god. They just don’t realize it because their religion dictate otherwise. Thus there is no unity. Thus the blame game and the justification for war in the first place.

I don’t believe in any religion because that is an offense to progression. People argue that it isn’t religion that dictate war and that religion promote peace and love, but it is not the promotion of love and peace that gather wars from religion. No, it is the word of religion that gather wars.

If you believe in a spiritual power greater than your own, then whatever god is may be is within you. No religion can dictate what you believe in and what you feel. If you have to read it from a book and/or hear it from others, then it is not god you believe in. It is someone else’s religion.

The sole cause for war is ego. The underlying reasoning for that ego is your belief in something that is different than that of the one you’re at war with.

Take the Quran and the Christian Bible for example. They both talk about one god, but they both teach that if you don’t believe and give yourself to the absolute book, you are a sinner and a devil worshipper. So obviously, if it teaches you that, it comes down to one thing: You’re right and everyone else is wrong.

For about a year now, I’ve been struggling with the concept of judgment and opinion. To this day, despite Laura’s futile attempt in trying to explain the difference and Michelle’s suggestions, I still believe they are two words of the same meaning.

Just because you don’t voice your opinions, it does not mean you don’t have an opinion of something. How do people make judgments? From opinion. If there is no opinion, there is no judgment.

So with religion, as much as the books try to promote peace and love, that same peace and love is truly only promoted when you give yourself to that religion. Otherwise, it’s a blatant lie that it tries to promote peace and love to everyone, regardless of their spiritual and religious preferences.

Personally, that seriously urks me.

Anyway, as with religion, individual political agendas are also another major problem in today’s world. I’ve been following the America 2008 Presidency campaigns. Only one person has truly made me turn my head and actually spent countless hours just reading his thoughts, ideals, and speeches. Other candidates seem like a whole lot of marketing bullshit to me. This one person is Ron Paul. Many people try to undermine him, even going as far as nitpicking the small details of his ideals.

As a person who recognize sacrifice, I understand and accept that a person’s greater vision outweigh his or her smaller details that I may not particularly agree with. I rather have a person with great perseverance and a solid moral standard that cater to the different cultures of the people, than with someone that tries to sell him or herself through balloons and flashing lights with sugar coated bullshit, that pretty much every other candidate has expressed. The only different are their party affiliations, their skin colours, and the words they choose for their speech. In reality, they don’t fight to become a president for the people. They fight to become president for the glitter and the sunshine the people seem to hold on to when their adrenaline rush is running super high in hopes for a better president other than Bush.

Like I said, anything is better than a starving country I’m sure.

This is May 2008. I’ve been on Earth for almost 30 years – more than 29 of which I was actually outside my mom’s stomach. So far, aside from technological advancements for the public, hotter women and hotter men, and better educational standards in Canada (and worsening in America), we haven’t progressed much at all. If indeed, the space shuttle to the moon was real, that happened 39 years ago, we haven’t made any further traveling to the moon or anywhere outside the deep orbit of the Earth since then.

Seven simple words: We suck hard and we suck ass.

The USA spends trillions on a war that goes no where while the victims of a massive storm, and of course, the ongoing homelessness and under privileged still fight to survive on home soil. Seriously, what is damn wrong with the president today?

We fight to protect ourselves. Sending your troops into a land far far away to protect the oil reserves and bully Iran and other Arab nations isn’t fighting to protect yourselves. Before you do shit outside, you should help get rid of the shit at home. America sucks ass because it runs away from its own problems and gladly bullies other nations in trying to make them be just as shitty as its own country.

Remember, America is all glitter, sunshine, and sex. ‘Freedom’ is a state of mind. Anything is better than a starving country and a government that obviously censors you, but don’t forget that America does the same thing, just not so blatantly.

Trust me when I say as a Canadian, I don’t want you in my country. You’re just going to stink us up with your ‘values’. Until you bring home your troops and correct the problems at home, don’t come here. Sure, we have super high taxes, and the crime rate is rising in some areas, and we still have the homeless to take into consideration, but we’re not in deep shit like you are. Everyone who has a brain and a high enough emotional intelligence dislikes America, but we won’t go as far as hating you. Without you, there wouldn’t be the glitter, sunshine, and sex.

Sara Jean Underwood, you’re so hot! I love you! ^_~

Anyway, enough of that rant. I can go on and on, but I think Ron Paul is what America needs. He is “WYSIWYG”. Unfortunately, it probably will be McCain, Obama, or Hillary. I loved Bill Clinton, but Hillary is weak and that has nothing to do with her gender. It’s her message and her lack of a leader’s aura.

Ron lacks the leader’s aura as well and that’s a huge problem. He’ll make a great advisor, maybe even a Vice President. At least, I hope he’ll be a Vice President.

I’ve said a lot of my own thoughts on the unity of humankind and the progression to move beyond the vicinity of our own space. For humanity to survive the turmoil that our past and current dictates our lifestyles, we must learn to feel pass our own egos and into those of our neighbors. I’m not asking you to be friends with everyone. I’m asking you to work with others to bring unity to everyone.

When you think of religion, you think of a book of words from a being that may or may not exist. Then when you think of other religion, you know they are wrong, because only your religion is the right one. Thus you follow it. This idea similiarly applies to politics. You’re either a Conservative, Liberal, Republican, Socialist, or some other minority, but in reality, regardless of your political affiliation, you have your own agendas. So in fact, even if you’re a Liberal, you’re not really a Liberal. You are you and you are in competition with other individuals.

A religion will become absolute when all boundaries of what is the right religion is dissolved. A government will become absolute when all boundaries of each party’s personal agendas are dissolved.

Remember, religion is supposed to exist to aid humanity in making peace with themselves. No loving god would suggest otherwise. If a loving god suggests that believing in something different is wrong, then that isn’t a loving god at all.

As well, government is supposed to exist to aid its citizens in its own security and welfare. No considerate government would put an aging woman to work until she’s 65, while facing the constant harassment of her supervisor, broken nails, and ailing health, while paying high income taxes when coming home from work, often put on a strong facade to hide the tears and pain in front of her children and husband.

Heh, I wish I am a person to dissolve such abuse from religion and from political greed. I do not have that strength. I do not have that consistent will. I do not have supporters. I lack a leader’s aura. I lack that sort of charisma and intelligence.

Of course, maybe in my lifetime, what’s left of it, I will be able to experience some of that sort of leadership, culture, and government.

I have visions and these are some of them.

One day or one evening in the future sometime, we will be able to see this (again)…

…it would just be very nice, if it were to be in my lifetime.

11:14pm

Just now I heard “Amazing isn’t it? Why is she so driven? No, why do people sing or want to fly? Even to the extent of going into space.”

Then the girl replied “Isn’t it obvious? Like we could do anything else.”

The second girl said “That’s right!”

The boy comments, “I fly because I’m meant to.”

For those familiar with these lines, you’re right. It is from MF, subbed by Gattai. They have done a great job so far despite the few spelling mistakes here and there.

Anyway, I thought those few lines meant quite a bit. Of course, I’m expecting arguments but if I have to explain myself, then the meaning will be lost.

5:46am

ps: I can’t wait.

Tune: “Ignited (Piano Version)” by Toshihiko Sahashi
Drink: Warre’s Warrior Special Reserve

However, to finish my bottle of Warre’s Warrior Port, I’ll have to keep entering some extra lingering thoughts before I really retire to bed.

Kanpai! Cheers!

One of my dreams is to travel to Japan and release both sides of my warring mind and heart into that sort of atmosphere. I wish to find peace and that is where I can find it. When I can travel there, it will not be because I forced entry into that territory. It is because I can afford it without having to destabilize my family’s security and welfare. If and when I travel there, I will be there for a long time. To others, I may be looking for myself, but to me, I am seeking to unify myself.

Another one of my dreams is to travel to Asia and enter into a cycling tournament. It would be interesting to ride with Patrick again in that format.

The other night, as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, I thought that jewelry means nothing to me. I cannot comprehend the value of diamonds and gold and emeralds because to me, those are dead objects – objects that have their value dictated by their limited supply and the demand they have from people whom are interested in exploiting commercialized society. I find a piece of wood etched with words from a past lover or from a friend/family member an infinite more meaningful than a diamond ring, a gold necklace, and an emerald crown. Sure, it’s worth only as much as I can trade them in for cash which will be used to further secure and stabilize my family’s welfare, but that’s about it.

This of course, differs from cars and bikes. When I see a car like the McLaren F1, I see a vision fulfilled and the passion put into it. It might be worth a million dollars but in reality, there isn’t much that can replace it.

[pauses to reflect]

Logic. It’s a hard thing to live by. There are a lot of illogical things in this world, yet we exist still. Terry, I say this to you – I feel saddened that we must live in an illogical world. I feel grotesquely sick that I must continue to live in this illogical world. Of course, the human mind can only take so much. So I’m not really that bothered. Only when I think about it, that I am bothered.

Of course, you’re in my heart as others are as well. As Michelle mentioned, just because I don’t contact you, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you.

I can’t finish this bottle tonight. I need sleep.

Ignited. It’s a nice tune. Did I ever tell you I used to create music back in the 90′s and early millenia? I wish I can again.

4:53am

Last September, Michelle entered into her blog “Unconditional Love” about accepting those that are less fortunate into our families to care for them. Though I agree with her message at the end of her post, I also had my perspective on the matter. You can read about her entry HERE.

My response was:

You know, I read this a few times in the last few days and finally came to this:

The nice thing for anyone to do is to bring a less fortunate person home and take care of him or her, regardless of how they may be. There are families out in the world that adopt disabled and/or abused children and possibly even show them the love those kids never felt before. That is very admirable of those families.

However, take my family for example. By theory, I would like to believe that I have the will and energy to extend my love and work beyond the people whom I can call a part of my family, by reasonable priority, but I know honestly, I cannot. I am the type of person who enjoys freedom on top of my already hectic work and sleepless nights. My dad is retired after working 25 years as a waiter and other jobs when he was a youth. My mom is nearing retirement after working as a seamstress since 1988. As tought as her hands and fingers may be, they are very sore to her, and feel the painful effects of working with those same hands and fingers combined with age. For me, I make money that is comfortable for my parents, saving for their retirement, trying to replace our 13 year old van, pay off the mortgage, and other lesser debts.

Home life is quite good. It’s quiet, and they get their rest, and the after dinner strolls.

Say I were to bring home a less fortunate child to raise. First of all, bluntly (as if I really need to say that), it is an outsider that I bring home into the family. So it is added stress on top of whatever debts and work we have here. The scenario would be different if say my sister got into a car accident or stepped on a mine and lost one of her legs or whatever, because she was and is a part of our family from the beginning. It was my parents responsibility to raise her and now it would be a part of my responsibility to look after her as well.

It’s all about reasonable priority. As much as your view is good on this matter, I would also like to add that everyone wishes to be healthy, wishes to be more confident, to look better, to do better, to be better. When we’re not, some of the time, it can bring us down. There is a constant challenge that every one undertakes since they were born. What person wants to grow up talking gibberish forever? What person wants to grow up crawling and rolling around on the floor forever? What person wants to grow up in trying to inconvenience others forever? Everyone wants to learn to walk, then possibly learn to run and finally drive, fly, and sky-dive. Everyone wants to be able to communicate freely with everyone else. Everyone wants to be self-sufficient and not rely much on others. The problem is our upbringing, influences, and mental obstacles, and in this case, an unfortunate war-related event.

If I had a child that was healthy and then an accident caused him or her to need reliance on me, I would care for him or her to the best of my ability, but I would be lying if I said I was not taxed out on caring for him or her. I may never say it, and try to never express it, but I would most likely be feeling that way, regardless of what guilt may pass through.

Of course, I find it admirable for people to take in children of any ailments and care and love them, but we also have to look at things more realistically and otherwise and often times, the existing connections we have versus new connections we must make.

When I read that story about the soldier who lost his limbs, I felt irritated that the son did not take into consideration of his parent’s feelings. Committing suicide based on his withdrawn emotions that his family might abandon him was uncalled for. If he had survived that suicide attempt, I would have wrote a letter to him scolding his ass for causing that unnecessary grief for his parents and then point him to my comment above.

I think though the message is sound and admirable, the successful suicide made by the soldier was narrow minded and inconsiderate. It had nothing to do with honor, duty, obligation. It had simply to do with his limited perspective on what family can do for each other versus what a family can do for strangers.

2:54am