Second, like Jason Ding, I want to understand you. That’s why I ask you questions, even ones you get mad about. Growing up, I learned to communicate my thoughts and feelings. You told me reading my blogs, it feels as though I have a lot on my mind and I say a crap load. It comes with practice.

Third, I know you worry about your age and your ‘progress’. Heck, I worry all the time about mine, but the BEST thing to do is do what needs to be done, instead of wallowing in my own misery.

Remember, way way back, before you blew up on your mom, you said to me that I should do what I like and go for the things I want to do. Now, everyone is saying the same to you, but of course, within consideration for those that care and love you.

We’ll have a good vacation in two and a half weeks. You can clear your mind and resettle some things. I just hope you know that no one is really looking down on you. Right now, everyone is reaching their hands out to you. Grab onto any of ours, we’ll pull you up.

Wow, I don’t even remember I wrote that. That Patrick back then was definitely a little more confident I guess. I feel there’s a spark inside of me waiting to ignite but the logs are damp. Maybe going somewhere sunny will help? That was supposed to be a joke but not “ha-ha” funny, more like, “hmpf”.

P.S. I had fun re-arranging the icons to vertical in the anti-spam test. It was really fun for those few seconds.

“Communication through text sucks.”

Anyway, before you interrupted me with your response, I was actually in the middle of applying Vas… Erm, I mean, typing up a blog entry about cats, damn, no girls…

Social protocol is the common standard in which individuals must adhere to, to fit into communities around us. In my last entry as well as this one, I think you’ve completely misread my meaning. There is NO negativity associated to how my friends connect with common society. It is a part of their psyche. I was speaking in relation to mine. Where I…

I’ve explained this already here.

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Ultimately, you choose whatever you want and feel you need, but at this point in time, the only person that has changed is you. I have always felt this way, even since my high school days. I don’t see how anything has very suddenly changed, just because you think I need you or any of my close friends to really understand me, which I don’t and I never asked any of you to.

I consider you guys and girl to be close to me. So unless you deliberately push me away for whatever mind boggling reasons, I’m pretty much here to stay.

I mean Jason and Jon had read my comments here and they’re simply not phased. So I don’t understand why you should be. Also, it’s not because they are ‘on the same level as my thoughts’. No, it is simply because it should have ABSOLUTELY NO affect.

So again, I am simply mind boggled as to your reactions. Please, educate me, because I need to know why you even feel this way.

Let’s put it this way… The last time ANYONE even reacted the way you did corresponding my thoughts, in which they again, misread and misinterpreted was a girl a few years ago, before Cindy that liked me. So, since I am reminded of that, I am mind boggled as to why you would react this way. Now, I’m not saying you’re in love with me, but dude, though I think we’re pretty close, I don’t think I quite sway that way. ^o^

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Anyway, it’s actually very simple: I consider you guys and girl close because I feel that connection. There are either no or very little obstructions in that connection. If you don’t know me in-depth, it just means you don’t connect with those core layers. The same core layers that I have been building and fortifying since my childhood, before high school. I do not expect ANYONE to ever connect that deep with me. Indeed, I crave for that sort of connection, but it doesn’t mean that I cannot achieve parts of it with the people whom are in my life right now.

I would never expect any of my friends to grasp the feelings I go through on a day to day basis, the weight on my shoulders, the lingering anxiety attacks and those moments I still have in those early mornings as I drift off into sleep, gripping my bedsheets, biting down hard on my teeth, almost in a fit of nightmares, sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night sweating like crazy. I would never expect anyone, any of my close friends to understand that.

—–

I’m frustrated right now because you’re doing something that is an oddity to me. It’s like you’re purposefully creating all these obstacles just because……….? Just because of…..?

[sigh]

Are you sure you’re not just afraid of my opinions? What would you rather do? Live a life without criticism? What does a life without criticism do to a person? What does a life without failure and risk do to a person?

If you want to stay out of that ring, do whatever you want. I don’t know why you’re running away. To me, nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that now you’re running away from me.

I never asked you OR ANYONE to understand me in-depth. All of my public blog entries since March 2006 that I allowed it online, has never asked any of my friends to try to understand me in-depth. All I had ever asked for is a confidant whom is able to connect with me beyond social protocols. That doesn’t mean I cannot be close to my friends as they are now.

Therefore, I am quite mind boggled as to your actions and reactions. Would you expect that friendships, even ours that have known and been friends with over two decades, should automatically know each other in-depth? Hell no. That is the same with ALL relationships. You think that just because a guy and a girl come together as boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife will automatically know each other in-depth? That is a fantasy if ever anyone thought like that.

When Albert and I were still friends, he thought of me as his brother and indeed, we talked about many things and shared many thoughts and feelings. I’ve seen him cried in person – heart breaking for me, and he’s seen me cried at one of my lowest points in life. However, even then, though we connected that way, we would never completely connect. How did we lose our friendship? It was definitely not because we didn’t know each other. It was simply because of our personalities.

You say you’re afraid of speaking to me on a personal level? What? About your work and sometimes, about how you feel about where you want to go, what you want to do, amongst other things? Why would you be afraid of that? It doesn’t make any sense.

What is the worst thing that can happen for you to tell me that? The worst thing that I can think of, is that my criticism may hurt your pride. That’s all there is to it. If you think it would do anything else, like upset me, you are very very wrong in that interpretation.

The times I get upset about anyone to do with connection is when people blow up at me, accusing me of something I did not do.

If you think that after our last ‘argument’ in my previous entry made me upset, it did. So what are you going to do? Run away and close up communication?

Good job, because Albert doesn’t think open communication is the way to go to solve problems. If you think any relationship will work with the lack of communication, then again, only in a fantasy world would that ever happen.

—–

Trying to know oneself, means to try to know others. If you come to a dead end, you’re not just going to stop there and rot until you die. You’re going to turn around and find another way.

Executive decisions means you have options, pick one and follow through accordingly. If you fail, pick yourself up and restart. That’s life.

Hey Li, what do you want from life?

———————————-

Hey,

Honestly, I’m afraid of talking to you on a personal level now. Even over the phone, I now hesitate. I actually think twice when speaking to you. I just wanted to let you know that’s how I feel. It’s probably not what you want to hear man, but I have to put it out there cause you’re my friend and you ought to know what I’m feeling.

Even though I want to try, perhaps it’s better that I stay out of that “ring” because let’s face it, I can’t even comprehend your thoughts.

The mirror is such a great representation. Perhaps, I don’t really know myself, so how can I attempt to know others?

I once told my mom over a three hour long conversation that as I grew up, it is my friends, my brothers and sisters who help make me who I am today, tomorrow and all the days beyond that. They may not necessarily connect with me on a complex manner, but that does not mean they don’t connect with me at all.

When I speak of social protocols, I am speaking in a very generalized sense. When I speak about it, in reference to you guys and girls, I am talking about that very specific social aspect. I am NOT discounting the actual foundation connection we have.

You have to remember that connections are like onion layers. On the surface, as you, Laura, Jon, Jason and whoever else are connected with your social protocols (to society), I find myself foreign to it. I DID NOT SAY that I feel foreign in my relationships and foundational connections with you guys!

/sigh

I feel like I am typing up an encyclopedia.

ANYWAY, when I type up my thoughts, I also speak out loud to them. My throat is dry and I need to relieve my bladder.

So Pat, whatever miscommunication and misreading, please note my comments following that. You are a silly silly man. Too bad you’re not a girl or I’m not a girl…