[“Take A Little Hand” by Gabriela Robin][audio:talh.mp3]
I waited until now to enter this rather disturbing dream I had this morning. Sometimes, I dream about really grotesque things, but as most of my dreams are metaphoric in nature, even dreams about being haunted by a ghost of sort is normal to me. However, I was wondering why I had this dream of my ex…
I do not remember the fine details, but I was at home – like this home, but everything was spacier – the house was bigger, my room was bigger and I had different furniture in here. I even had a large aquarium with cuttlefish. 8]
There was someone – I don’t know who that was always with me, but always in the background. My ex was there, but we weren’t together. Her new boyfriend was there with her. I remember every time I talked to her or to her bf, I would take a glance at her but never look at her or him. I tried avoiding them every chance I got, but they were always around. Also, I couldn’t make out the person in the background, but I felt that s/he represented a different aspect of myself.
Somehow we were to meet at a restaurant or to some form of exhibition at mall somewhere with a tall glass ceiling. The walls and floor were all bricks. I went with that person in the background to meet up with them, and I remember going over to a shop that sold fishies and other sea life, and watching a tank full of baby cuttlefish swim. Then somehow, I was in a place with Cindy, and she looked different – like when we first became intimately involved with each other. She looked youthful, more vibrant, happier, but she also kept a lot of her emotions inside of her. She was careful of how she expressed herself, and what she said. In my dream, it felt like she was being careful in case I got angry or something.
Throughout the entire dream, if felt like she and her bf was there to try to make me accept them, and the person in the background felt like a totally different aspect of myself – the minority government that is trying to influence me to go ahead and accept them. I wondered why I couldn’t say no to any of that.
The thing that disturbed me the most was how she looked back at me all the time, and how I only glanced at her. I felt that I couldn’t directly look at her, lest I get reminded of all the shit she put me through, that I allowed myself to go through. It’s just that, she looked the way she looked when we first did stuff together. I felt old in that dream, and detached but attached at the same time.
I questioned myself when I woke up. I asked myself why I suddenly had that dream and only now, and I asked what happened to the majority government that dictates the motivations of my will and my desires? Why weren’t my guards around, and how did s/he (referring to the person in the background) get into my home in the first place?
S/he was subtle, and she was a blurred person, but she was able to subtly influence my interactions with Cindy and her bf. In some ways, it felt as though they need to leave, but she (Cindy) needed me to cut the ropes to their boat, so they can set sail.