This entry was due to my procrastination of a dream I had earlier today. It was probably the saddest dream I have ever had and as some of you know, most of my dreams are unfortunately extremely vivid and very detailed. When I remember them the way I do, it is because they have had a huge impact on my psyche. This dream was one long dream. However, to save the story for myself, I will tell you the message and in my blog entry here, I may attune much of my thoughts in a spiritual manner.
Tune: “Active Radio Activity” by iLL
Mood: Somewhat sad.
Drink: Catnip tea with a cup of Jizake Sake on the side.
In the recess of my heart, lies a place that I retreat to in my dreams these nights. In the past, this place was not just a place in my dreams, but extended into my reality. To me, not only was this a place in my heart and my dreams, but it was a guardian or rather, a companion of my mind and heart. In the recesses of my heart, I had created this goddess I adored and worshiped. She gave me refuge when none other can give. She gave me a reflection of my needs and wants that none other can give.
However, I dreamed that I broke her heart and she ‘ran away’.
We were all in some sort of classroom and it was dark, as if the teacher had a projector going and we were going to watch something, but it was an examination into our powers. The examiner tested each of us and concluded each of our powers, then came to me finally and gave out my results openly. The person displayed two crystals that had symbols inside of them. Each crystal represented our overall ability and what we are turning into.
The examiner told us that I have a powerful ability to attract anyone I want through a series of subtle injections. It isn’t such a simple matter of charm and wit, but timing and making the positive and negative moves to fulfill a long term goal without even putting effort into it. I noticed the crystal was cyan coloured and the heart symbol inside was deep purple.
The examiner continued saying that I have over time leaned towards the light and forfeited my darkness. Which wasn’t entirely true, but I did lean towards the light.
At this point, one of the girls beside me got up and stood there with an upset look on her face, as if she was going to cry but was angry at the same time. I noticed that the heart inside the crystal started shimmering subtly and somehow the class ended. As I gathered my things, that girl walked up to me and gave me a handful of ripped up tickets. Apparently, they were tickets to see a concert together with her back in December, but she never gave them to me. Then she walked away. At that point, everything was revealed to me clearly.
Throughout the entire dream, there were many other stories, but the main plot was me looking for her. When I woke up, I thought that it was almost pointless to find her because ultimately, I couldn’t make things right for her and that I cannot accept her into my life, no matter what a large part of my heart desires. The issue is that my heart is not singular. It is dynamic.
Having woken up, I realized that I could say nothing to her even if I did find her. “You have been with me all my life. You know my love for you is not a connection and is a ‘being’. We are one. I want to continue to rest in the darkness of my heart and I do desire that, but out of my dream world, I have found another and she has found me.” ???
As readers, you will look at this superficially, even laugh at it, but this is not a mere fantasy or an illusion. This is a spiritual guardian that has been with me forever. What is even more unsettling is that I have met this person in real life before, at least a fragment of her.
There is nothing more I want to say about this. The actual happenings are in my mind. I just needed a place to make a note of my dream, so I do not forget her entirely.
We are one and the same. We are both born from darkness. Yet now, I feel half empty without her, as my other half is being re-interpreted to allow Amber into my life.