Another chance at it all

One of my favorite movies is The Young Victoria. It’s based on the overall story of Queen Victoria, from her time before being queen to when she married Prince Albert. I have watched that movie about three dozen times in a period of just a little over two years. “Is it that good?” Well, yes of course, but I think there is a more sub-conscious reason which I thought about some moments ago after I watched the movie again. I think it is a life that I would like to have with my wife Amber. Not necessarily being Royals, but living life where we are a team, where she is my partner, a best friend, my confidant and more than those things.

As the years, months, days, hours and seconds trickle by, my friends float away towards their various goals and I found that I am still here at the base of it all. Indeed, there are a myriad of reasons why I am still here, but I would like to believe that a part of the reason why I am still here is because I am so attached to my childhood, even if it is just a long passed memory. The tall grasses, the sunlight breaking through the fence cracks, the shuffling of feet on dirt… It’s still here in this city, though in a different form.

Yes, I have changed slowly: mind, body, thought process, spirituality, behavior, attitude, but I still retain my memories and those memories act as an anchor for my overall character. Though I have to admit that it is a struggle at times. As if my attitude want to evolve quicker than I allow it.

I envision that my life with Amber, here by my side will complete me. I once said that lovers complement me and I would like to hold onto that belief, but it isn’t true anymore. My past lovers complement what I already have and want and when I developed a love interest with Amber, that principle held true for a long time. However, it gradually shifted and our relationship bred something else beyond our individuality. I found that I no longer simply want her. I need her.

When I think of my current project with a particular extremely hard-going client, which has been the source of my biggest anxiety issues, heightening my depression, I want to cry every time, but I keep myself ‘at bay’ from those hardship thoughts. “Why is our client being so unfair? Holding us hostage because in his words, ‘I can sue you because we are a big company and you’re just a small company.’ When everything that has happened so far is THEIR FAULT?! THEY ARE THE ONES WHO DRAGGED ON THIS PROJECT, demanding more and more and more and more and finally at this last stage of this stupid project, still holding us back because they want more.”

Yes, contracts, agreements, discussions, but I don’t need a lecture when I knew all that.

This project is the final piece of allowing my wife to come here to be with me. This is a classic example of a big rich company bullying a small company just because they can. In all of my years as a developer/producer, this is by far the worst client and worst working experience I’ve had.

I try to remain hopeful that once all the stuff finally gets done, that the client will be reasonable and just pay us. Once he pays us, then I can submit the immigration papers and within 6-18 months, I can see and touch my wife once again. It is so brutal to not be able to touch my wife, hold her close to me, to share a proper life with her. Long distance romance is hard, but it is no longer hard because of communication issues like we once had. We’re both mainly passed those things. We have learned to understand each other. We have learned to let things go. We have learned to respect each others faults and reconnect to them.

No, the long distance romance is hard because there is a need for her to be with me. My heart aches constantly. We both want to start the next milestone in our life together. No one ever said life is easy. When she’s here, we will still need to work, earn money, stay healthy, keep ourselves relatively happy and sane. We will still have hurdles, we will still have disagreements, we will still fight, we will still have our moments, but we will be together and we will work things out, we will work together, we will work towards a better future.

I am unlike my father in many ways, yet the same or similar in some. My dad is brave. He was also dutiful to his family. He was and is still poor. In his mid 20’s, he left Hong Kong and explored Canada and the USA for a better future. When his aunt took back her word to help fund his university, he felt betrayed and disheartened. Yet he kept going. He tried many things and eventually settled in Vancouver as a waiter for Hotel Vancouver, white glove service. He was a Wine Champion for The Peer restaurant. He was considered a great waiter. He worked a lot and earned decently. He provided for the family. He was temperamental. He had gambling issues. The money we could have used to pay off the house mortgage was used instead on stocks which he lost all in. We are in a shitty situation today because we are still in debt after so many decades.

My mom worked hard, yet all of her money goes to debts. I worked hard and most of my money goes to food and other things for my parents. The money I have left over, goes to my own bills, to things between Amber and I and that’s it. I don’t get to go on vacations. I don’t even own a car. I don’t have my own house. I own a computer, a laptop and a few bits of furniture. When I see my friends, they all have their own lives, their own places, their own cars, their own things. I am not jealous, nor envious, as things cannot be compared that way. Yet, I do wish that I was given a chance, that I really wish that client would just pay us finally.

I need my wife. My life is incomplete without her.

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