Before I Go To Bed

Before I Go To Bed

2:46am

(Listening to a song by Andy Lau – still don’t know the name to it damn it)

WinRar finally finished compressing and splitting Cindy’s massive 2.2 gig folder up into five 420 meg files. Well, I mean it finished about 1.5 hours ago.

I was just updating my web site – NexusColony.com – finally closed the main site and moved my own stuff in its place. Still waiting for Jason to accept my domain to point to the NC.com host space.

So as I was testing the stuff, I had an urge to listen to this song again. It’s a good song, and I wish I can understand it more. It’s a sentimental song no doubt. I also finally figured out to to put the “More…” link for each post. Now you can see the beginning of each entry on the main page. Click on “More…” to see the rest of the post.

Yes, so I was testing the blog and clicked in “The Button of Destiny” and read through parts of it, saw and reminisent on Cindy’s cute pictures when she was at the doctor’s. Remember, this song was/is playing the entire time. I still remember that night…

Then I clicked on “I Will Not Forget” – an angry entry made AFTER “The Button of Destiny”. I read through parts of that entry and it really saddened me that I still have a lot of anger and a lot of pain. Well… It’s ‘weird’ because the pain I feel is not constant, or rather, it’s more like a very low emotion just hovering very low near the surface of the ‘water’. When I get influenced by alcohol or some sort of memory of her doing those bad things, and even things I think she’s doing right now – like telling her friends how bad of a person I was, etc, those negative emotions come back up and I rage and rant, etc.

[sigh]

There is a saying in Cantonese, “Mm fun hei.” I feel like that more than calm. I wish I didn’t feel this way. Ask a Cantonese person to translate the saying for you, cuz I don’t know how to…

After my day-time job tomorrow, I will be back home, borrowing my bro’s laptop and finally making the move to back-up Cindy’s stuff. Then I can finally pack all her things into the box I have beside my computer desk, seal it, and hide it somewhere, where I will never be able to see again in the near future.

You know what? If a fire started, that box would be one of the things I would try to escape with…

I was just thinking as I typed the above sentence, that how could Cindy be so two-faced? In the days we saw each other last over a month ago, she wasn’t anything like how she tell her friends about me. If you’re wondering, I have a lot of connections. [grin] People ALWAYS underestimate me. Hey, in the last 8 years, I’ve had the opportunity to meet and ally myself with a lot of questionable people.

ANYWAY…

Sometimes, I feel so petty, and I want to do something to create massive destruction in her life right now, but then I laugh it off and tell myself that I would rather have my revenge in the future where I would then have more power and influence. However, it’s at times like now where my heart is at an equal stand-still with my logic and vengeance, that I don’t want to do anything like that to her and her loved one(s). It’s really difficult because think of it this way…

A battle field, four armies – the first is my logic – it’s massive. The second is my anger, frustration, stress, “mm fun hei”, tormenting pain, etc, etc – it’s pretty fucking huge too. The third are my principles, morals, ethics, honor, duty, etc – it’s also very very large as well. The last is my heart, the lingering love, the sadness, the adoration, past worship, the good memories, compassion, etc – it is unfortunately, not that big.

The first army wears full plate, rides war horses, and goes to battle with a long sword and a shield. The second army is made up of archers. The third army is made up of spearman. The last army carries wakazashi and muskets – not very accurate, and doesn’t always kill a target on the first shot.

Understand the metaphor?

Anyway, I’m tired, and I have to get up in about 6.5 hours for work.

You know? I just wish everything was different. I wish that after we broke up, Cindy didn’t take on a two-faced demeanor. She deserves to feel like shit for making me hate her so much for all the negatives she caused upon me. Then again, I also try to be a bit more objective and tell myself that’s what her friends are for – to ‘defend’ her, because they are her friends.

Fortunately though, no matter how biased Albert is towards Cindy, himself including all my friends that I’ve shared this info with doesn’t just jump into defending my position without first ‘studying’ the situation objectively. I know that not everything was her wrong doing. I know that some of it was also mine. I can list them out – her negatives towards me and mine towards her, but I’ll save that for when any of you meet me in person, and wish to ask me for curiosity sakes.

On one hand, I want Cindy Lau to suffer the greatest of heart-breaks, the greatest of emotional pain, the greatest betrayal, the greatest lost of love and effort and energy, the greatest spiritual pain, and so on and so forth. Then on the lesser hand, beyond these raging fields of fire and supreme hatred, inside this ‘Island of Dreams’ – away from everything, in the core of my mind and soul, all I wish is that Cindy lives life happily. Hoping she never have to go through what I went through – with her, with my past, with everything. Unfortunately, that ‘positive’ side of me is a lot smaller than the negative side.

I sent her a last email on April 11th:

Hi Cindy…
Sorry about the other day… Well, two weeks ago…

I am doing fine. The last week and a half allowed me to refocus my energy into Razor/FTX. I took the effort to finally finish what we started half a year ago. The team, especially Ray was extra pleased for my sudden burst of completed projects.

Everyone has been very supportive of me – even people whom I never thought would. As you probably know, word doesn’t travel fast on my side of the family. When it did, people were surprised but not shocked.

Anyway, I don’t know if you’re going to read this or not, but I’ll keep it short. No it won’t be like the other two times where we broke up and talked our hearts out, made love, and then back together again, repeat. No, this email is for me to tell you that I think I finally understand something…

(Listening “Wo bu gou ai ni” by Andy Lau & Kelly Chan)

So yeah, there were bouts of down-ness here and there. You know, going to certain places, doing certain things, listening to certain songs, etc. However, I am quite okay. I would say on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being SUPER sad, and 10 being totally fine, I am about 6, highs of 7 and lows of 5… Haha, like the weather… 8]

I was just packing away your pictures, your white fleece jacket, your toque that you left here the last time you came over, your bath sponge, photo CD’s, receipts, etc, and I took out a backed-up CD of our earlier episodes before we first broke up. I watched some videos, and there was one segment in that video that I noticed something about you.

You know what? I don’t know how to explain it with words, but I watched that segment over and over and over and over again, many times. There was no sound, but I didn’t sound. I saw it in your eyes, in the way you smiled, in the way you looked at me.

You were absolutely glowing with happiness. It’s not often I see anyone like that. Even in pictures of my friends and their girlfriends or their wives, the smiles or the way they look are just normal, but for you, you were really happy.

I regret for not being able to do ‘it’ for you. I should have been able to see it back then. I was blind and I was ‘deaf’. Today, I wondered why I didn’t take you more seriously before some shit happened. I think I really screwed up.

You were indeed, very very happy, and I think I know why you weren’t able to say you never loved me. I think it was because you were very close to being in love with me.

Well, I screwed up, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t win your heart over… So whatever you did to me, the negatives, etc, not defending me, etc, being hot and cold, etc, you did it because you just couldn’t get back to that ‘stage’ where you were very close to me ever again.

I realized it in its entirety today, this evening after watching that video over and over again, watching you – so lovely, so beautiful… I understand. I finally understand.

Certain songs, make me think of you and Nelson together, laughing, enjoying life together, having a future together. At first, I was angry that you jumped to someone new so fast, but after watching that video segment, I totally understand.

Now that I understand, I can honestly and sincerely say to you that I really do hope that Nelson or whoever else you meet in the future, can really really really give you the happiness you once showed me – that you once shared with me. I really miss the boat. I think, I did find someone I really could have fallen totally in love for.

I think this pain is not really because of you. I think it’s simply because I cannot forgive myself for abandoning you when you needed me the most. You were indeed, very special to me… You are very special to me, but I have to let you go.

It’s almost twilight outside… I’m going to take my bike out and ride in honor of what we had, and what we could have had, if I was there for you.

Cindy, my beloved, you have my protection and my blessings. I wish you the best. You will indeed finish the STP event, and you will finish it satisfied that you finally did it.

Your’s truly, a long lost companion who will try to be your wishing star in the days and nights you get into arguments with your lover(s), your friends, your family, even with our Berrimellow when he becomes a ‘teen’, with love…

…leeman

It was ‘too soon’, but I did feel like that sincerely and honestly that day, that instance. The thing is, I still stand by it. I actually had hoped to send it to, and hoped that she would download it, read it, reflect a bit, and that’s it. I don’t know if she read it – probably not, considering what a fucking bitch she is (you see the contradicting feelings?).

[sigh]

So it’s passed 3am… Maybe I should open myself up to new potentials… Despite what I said to my mom… I don’t know how I can… She will really have to ‘mesmerize’ me, and there has only been one person in my past that was able to do that. If only that person and the time period happened in place of Cindy and I… Maybe, just maybe then…

Mmmm… No, nevermind. No one will ever know these things.

Stars above me. Stars above her – whoever this person may be.

3:17am

4 Replies to “Before I Go To Bed”

  1. Hello Mr. Kage.

    You know, there once was a wise man who said that a happy ending is an unfinished story. Very cynical, ultimatley true. All good things come to an end, luckily so do all bad things.

    I listen to music too much, so I think in lyrics. One lyric this post brings to mind is ‘When you’re born a lover, you’re born to suffer’ which is true. I wish I was a misogynistic womazing prick sometimes. It would be an easier life.

    Another lyric from my favourite band/artist(being the ‘fashionably depressed even in the summertime, god i thought it would be over by now’ type of person I am):

    “Last night I dreamt
    That somebody loved me
    No hope, no harm
    Just another false alarm

    Last night I felt
    Real arms around me
    No hope, no harm
    Just another false alarm

    So, tell me how long
    Before the last one ?
    And tell me how long
    Before the right one ?

    The story is old – I know
    But it goes on
    The story is old – I know
    But it goes on

    Oh, goes on
    And on
    Oh, goes on
    And on”

    Which is pretty depressing.

    My advice, be depressed for half a year max, then snap out of it.

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