Being Played

Ah, now I get it… Yeah I’m slow.

I was thinking (not actively) about how Cindy was treating me and came to the conclusion that she was trying to break me. I remember on Saturday 25th this month, we were talking at my front door and she admitted that not only was she trying to test my threshold that eventually got out of hand, but when we first ‘dated’, she was playing the game – who will break first.

Well, I broke first, cuz I fell in love with her…

The reason why she thought we were playing a game, was because of my demeanor. She thought I was a bit of an overly confident, don’t give a hoot, coolish person when she first met me. So when we started dating, she felt that we were just having a messed up fling thing.

Wow, was I a retarded fool to have fallen for someone like her. So blind to her… At least, so much in denial. Well, there are certainly a lot of hidden words here I won’t be entering, but… [fang grin]

[sob] Actually, I lost my fangs a decade ago… These ‘new’ ones are umm… Yeah… 8x

I guess I could stick with my old-self with this ‘new’ experience. Meaning, go back to being a lot more conservative in choosing who to engage a relationship with, but use this experience with Cindy as a starting point to gauge my new relationship(s). I think one thing I have to ‘remember’ is not expose my inner thoughts so much. I never had to do that in my past relationships, and I never had to do nearly as much, and everything with those other girls were pretty nice.

So why was I so sad all this time? Even now… Well, I can’t help it. After putting so much time, energy, effort, and money into her, and receiving next to nothing in return… She was indeed a semi-sweet talker – not nearly as good as I was back in the day, but what I mean is that she really knew how to get me to be hopeful. I asked her if she can see us growing old together, and she assured me she did, etc, etc.

I mean, what was there not to believe, aside from the thousands of other negatives? [naive expression]

[laughs maniacally]

Now I know why she wouldn’t leave me after I asked her to leave so many times in the past. She didn’t want to leave, because she had no other ‘solid’ potential love interests, and she knew that I would allow her to continue to take advantage of me and abuse my emotions.

It was very easy for her to jump from our relationship to Nelson in less than a week because not only did she have no positive emotion for me, but now she has a ‘better’ reason to devote her time and energy to someone she actually loves. It’s like going from a 1998 Porsche 911 Turbo to a 2006 Gallardo Lamborghini. She especially favors Lambo’s because of their massive butts.

Also, she IS 29. A lot of her friends are either getting married or already married. Since Nelson is about 30/31, and she’s 29, well, what perfect ‘timing’? I mean, he has his own place, a nice sports bike, a van, and is independent, sporty, better looking than I am, healthier looking, etc, and he has a higher income, and I am sure her friends will adore him. So what is there not to like?

Diu lah sing!

In the past few days, in the moments I wake up from sleep, I would have fading thoughts of calling Cindy a bitch for playing with my heart and a slut for erm, other things I choose not to say why. I would also have fading but lingering thoughts of wishing for extreme mental and emotional suffering for her to do with the rest of her love life/lives. However, when I get up, and walk out my bedroom door to the bathroom, I suddenly get a massive heartache. Just calling Cindy a bitch really hurts me. Calling her a slut really saddens me. Wishing ill of her really kills me.

As I took my morning shower to ‘cool’ off, there was a very short moment that tears came out of my eyes. I had a passing thought of Cindy being in need in the future, and she was really sad. Though she killed my heart, I wanted so bad to take her back and give her a super tight hug. Alas, I requested Albert (a few days days ago) that if somehow that happens in the future, be sure to hold me back, or make sure that I don’t get back with her. Chain me and drag me away if he has to.

Just that, this imagery wasn’t very good. It made me shed tears – not sobbing tears. Just tears of sadness. Someone who I cared about so much, and in less than one week… You know…

Sometimes, I think, “If only I wasn’t busy Tuesday night (March 21st), she wouldn’t go out with Nelson after Brit vball, and I would have been over at her house. Say Nelson was there that night anyway, I would have been there to ‘show’ him we were together. Unless he’s a bastard as well, then blah.

[sigh] Sometimes I think, “Just a little longer. Just a bit more time with her.” You see, although I was skeptical, I was also secretly optimistic. [sigh]

It’s true she did all that and more towards me, and like Donna said, “The bottom line is that you are not meant to be with her.” Yes, I know. Even my logic beats me to the ground trying to get it across my head, but I was there to see it and feel it first hand. I know the majority of that relationship was LUN, but there must have been a small percentage – say 5% that was real…?

Jessica! STOP! No more scolding! I know, I know…

If only my close Spectrum were all here – or at least, all within ‘arm’s reach’.

Chips ahoy!

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