Boyhood

11:55pm

I was just relaxing and holed out up in here for the entire day thinking about various things. Of course, I also engaged in some MSNing and phone conversations for work and watched roughly 5 hours worth of anime.

I’ve come to realize that there isn’t anything that can shock me. Rather, there isn’t anything that will be shocking for me. Some things be surprise me but even then, I don’t think it really affects me that much. I mean with the obvious things aside, I think I lack iniitial and direct empathy. Make sense?

One of the things I have found is that some of the things I have said in the past has come back to slap me in the face thrice over. It’s not that I have not thought of them. It’s just that the greater possibility is that people who heard them had listened and actually applied them to their own thought processes.

I should feel satisfied that my thoughts have been integrated with various people but honestly, I don’t feel anything. With this said, I think I lack immediate empathy for anyone’s issues. Even when someone is crying in front of me and need me to hold her and even when I do, I find that I have very little emotion. It is heart wrenching to witness a close friend/family to express his or her pain… Hmmm, no then that contradicts my words doesn’t it?

Let’s put it this way: It is when someone sincerely expresses themselves to me that I feel a more immediate empathy towards them. With the world as it is today, with how most people express themselves to me, I feel quite apathetic towards them, even if they are in pain, in sadness, in happiness, etc.

I wonder, is this because I am detached? Rather, maybe other people who fail to express themselves sincerely are detached?

I don’t like false demeanors. Masking is not fake and I understand that very well. However, I despise changing oneself’s demeanor into something else to try to gain something for personal gain. This is apparent in the corporate and political world but it doesn’t mean it is acceptable. It just simply means that it is a necessary thing to do.

Someone recently told me that for me to connect with other people, I need to put myself out there with idle chit chat, and that with the little bits here and there will show me which person is more compatible with me to create new friendships. She said that because I told her that I do not like idle meaningless banter. I rather walk out of a party or a gathering into the freezing night with a bottle of beer or a glass of wine, than to be stuck at a gathering of people who talks solely to create possible friendships and to fill in the void of possible awkwardness.

In short, I may be open to it and may from time to time seek out something specific, but there is no assertion nor aggression in trying to meet those sort of ‘goals’. So when people ask me to go to their parties, I turn down 99% of them. The ones I don’t are for the obvious things.

It isn’t because I like to be alone. It is because I don’t want to feel lonely in a crowded room.

In a previous entry, I mentioned the team work of a cycling team versus the team work of a team-based sport. The mentality is that in a cycling team, each individual has their specific role, thus their specific strength. On the other hand, team-based sports like baseball, basketball, volleyball requires everyone on the team to have similar generalized skills with their personal strengths, but regardless of those strengths, each individual need each other to function. On the other hand, even though each individual rely on each other, each cyclist do not need each other to function. Mind you, I am not considering winning a race. I’m solely talking about function here.

That is my personal take on it, thus that is my personal take on myself.

So with my limited past experiences, I simply do not like to rely on others to function. It’s just like what Jon said a few years ago that he looks down on those who commit suicide because of being dumped by their lovers and such. I too also have that stance. If you kill yourself because some guy dumped your ass or some girl ditched you for some hotter guy, then you deserve to die, you pathetic foolishly weak simpleton!

Harsh words? Not harsh enough, I’m sure.

You can give me the excuse that each person has had a different upbringing and that each person has a different personality and such, but that is no excuse to be too weak to function on your own. I am a weak person in many aspects but I can function on my own.

So just like that, how can I share the function when I only ultimately need myself?

It’s too complicated to describe it in words, especially at a place where I am still half-revealing.

In an argument with Melvin years ago, I mentioned that I am an acquired taste and he laughed at that offensively. However, I still stick with that mentality that I am indeed an acquired taste. With human fallacy, my thoughts and my words can still be misunderstood. Unfortunately, though I have expressed bad short term memory, I have an extremely detailed long term memory. Thus, I remember almost everything that has meaning to me – either that be bad and/or good.

So for those who feel that I have detached myself from you or have drifted from you is because I feel that our thoughts do not connect that way.

What is the purpose of integrating my thoughts with anyone in the first place? So I can talk to them on my level. I am selfish this way because I am a self-expressive person. People who fail to express themselves towards me, fail at trying to become friends with me. It’s just that simple.

However, don’t take this too deeply. There are other reasons why I may not contact some of you – reasons not mentioned here and possibly doesn’t even have anything to do with you. It’s probably just the same reasons why you don’t contact me. [wink]

Do you accept me as I am or are you the type to disconnect because of the distance in time? I feel timeless when I connect with specific people. So why do you disconnect yourself because of time? Is it because you’ve changed and/or upgraded your way of thinking and relation?

Hmm…

This is indeed a conflict of interest isn’t it?

12:47am