Broken Principles

Broken Principles

10:07am

This goes against everything I believe in. I am indefinitely a weak, retarded fool. I also feel extremely bad for doing this – even moreso depressed now. I am indeed very weak to allow her to continue to hurt me. Where I can dish out blunt advice on DearCupid.org, I cannot even follow through with my own words and principles.

As I go through this other possible ordeal, I regret making the contact with her last night. Though we chatted, she mainly ignored me, and when she said “BRB – taking out my contacts”, she never really came back. She merely labelled herself as “Away” and chatted with Nelson for the next hour. She basically completely ignored me.

She is very westernized, and I knew this, but denied myself that. When I mean ‘westernized’, I mean that she categorizes relationships and actions and emotions. I have always done things to people based on what I feel coupled with logic and rationalization.

For example, in her mind:

1. Family – whatever, obvious
2. Friend – someone to hang out with, have fun, cater to them, not obligated to them
3. Boyfriend – have to act a certain way, have to try to show support, try to be considerate, try to care
4. Husband – have to try to have a family
5. Ex – don’t care, don’t have to do anything

Yes, I know that is the generic definition of each, but what I am getting to is how I treat people as individuals, and not as categories.

1. the closer and more in-tuned with what they know of me, and how much they understand me, and relate to me, the more I am in-tuned to treating them equal or more than how they treat me – the effort is limitless

2. if ‘this’ person becomes someone i adore and love, i automatically care and consider her as my future companion in which to develop and grow through the times – it is not an obligation. It is simply the desire to do for result.

3. those who do not bring harm to my family or loved ones, and bring with them a degree of comfort or added bonus to my life will receive just about the same from me

4. my parents, my family – those who have mainly been compassionate towards my choices and the mistakes I made, as well as those who have mainly guided me throughout my years as a living being, are those I automatically have a sense of duty to – to their security, well-being, health, prosperity, and happiness

Yes, DW was my girlfriend – someone whom I adored, though I am a fool to have done so. She was someone whom I wanted to build a future with. Everything was an automatic reflex, though I admit there were times when I just wanted to give up because of her negligence towards me.

In our phone conversation last night (opposing Albert’s explicit orders to not contact her), I asked her a series of questions – along these lines followed by what I remembered as answers:

1AMT: In the 15 months we’ve been together, have that at any point you liked/loved me?
1DW: Yes, but as you can see, it wasn’t enough

2AMT: Have u ever cheated on me?
2DW: No

3AMT: Have you been seeing/dating someone else while we were together?
3DW: No

4AMT: Is there someone you’re friends with while we were together who was/is a love interest?
4DW: Sort of – attracted to Shum’s looks, and attracted to Nelson’s overall character

5AMT: What is the chance of you having a new boyfriend in the near future – say about 1 or 2 months from now?
5DW: Not thinking of getting into one right now

6AMT: What is the chance of you having a new boyfriend in the near future – say about 3 to 6 months from now?
6DW: Possible

7AMT: Is this with Nelson?
7DW: Possibly, we’re just friends now, getting to know each other, like how you and I started out as friends, getting to know each other

8AMT: Should I accept you as my friend?
8DW: Selfishly yes, because I would like to go to you for advice when I need it. You know me the most out of everyone.
8AMT: Ah so that’s how it is [laughs]! You see the trend? So when we first dated, PJ knew you the most, and he gave u advice pertaining to me and you. Now that Nelson seems to be the next best choice for your boyfriend, I will be taking the exact same role as PJ and offer you advice for your relationship with Nelson.
8DW: [laughs] Yeah it seems that way.
8AMT: That’s fantastic, and what if you said no?
8DW: No because I know it will continue to hurt you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

9AMT: Should I train the STP with you (not going to STP with you though)?
9DW:

—break—

I hate myself for doing this. I really hate myself.

—end break—

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