Going Home

11:23pm

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On a side note, as I was coming home on the last 0.9km’s, I noticed three rabbits munching on grass and flowers near the road at the field. It was cute. Three fuzzy balls of furry stuff huddled together, probably rubbing their twitching noses together, and gossiping about other bunnies, etc. What strange and wonderful creatures…

[“Aerith’s Theme (Piano Version)” – FF7 Advent Children]

Anyway, as you can see, this entry belongs in many categories, including the ‘unmentionable one’.

You know, for those in-tuned with music, sometimes, it feels like I can almost ‘say’ or turn the music into words. As if the ‘words’ themselves are right at the tip of my tongue, but because humans are incapable of such conversions, those ‘words’ never leave that tip.

[ponders]

It’s unfortunate really. If only we can speak in music – not the music we are all used to from the radio, CD’s, etc, but natural music that are converted into something that we all can ‘hear’ and understand. [ponders] If only…

[“Water” – FF7 Advent Children]

A long time ago, for my age anyway, I once expressed in a journal entry that music – the type I can hear in all of its levels/tiers and degrees, is something I am constantly in love with. When I was in the hospital, in a short coma for about half a week, I heard things that are inaudible for the ears. Sounds only the mind can hear. I didn’t wake up because of those sounds. I woke up because I ‘saw’ (felt) a small flame amidst a vast ‘land’ of darkness. The darkness represented me, and that flame represented what I was accustomed to. That flame represented how the world was in relation to me.

Hmm… You have no idea, how much I miss that feeling… [thoughful] It’s sad, but it was me. It was sad because many people think it’s a bad thing, but imagine that I can share that flame in that vast darkness with those closest to me. Their faces would be dimmed, but I would be able to feel their presence around that flame. I would be there, they would be there. That darkness is vast, yes, and it can be very scary, but if you let yourself go, and run around, wander in any direction, you will find that you will never trip and fall. You will never bump into anything. You will never run into nor hit anything. Then when you are tired, just down again, or stop and stay where you are, and you will noticed that same small flame is right there with you.

Above stars, below darkness, with that one small flame, and myself. This was how my heart constantly felt. Imagine someone coming into that darkness without me intially knowing, and doused that same flame with something flammable. Imagine a large explosion of light and fire, nearly blinding with heat and vibrant glow. Then it dies down and I realize someone else is in that darkness with me, close, very close.

[ponders]

I’ve had that feeling in the past as well. It was very nice, and very comfortable.

Unfortunately, things happen with anything, and I decided to come out of that darkness in search for new emotions, new experiences, and possibly new conquests. Mmm… When I surrendered to the darkness at a youthful age, and came to realize myself, to come to terms with being self-aware, it was always very comforting to be able to set myself underneath the night sky and just talk to the Heavens.

I always felt as though I didn’t belong here on Earth. I always felt that I belonged ‘out there’ – up there. When I see trails of clouds sailing through the night currents, I talk to them, and tell them how I much I miss being up there with them. [chuckles] Alas, all fantasy really. I will be ridiculed for my own thoughts.

Honestly though, I always feel that I don’t belong here, and no, there is no religion I follow nor any cult I address to, to sway my mind and heart to feel this way. It just is. There is no explanation.

What say you?

Earlier today. my mom and I went through day 2 of the cleaning up of my room – ridding all the junk out of my closet and drawers. Yesterday, I threw away 80% of my porn [laughs]. My mom asked me, “What?! How about those other ones?!?” I replied, “Yeah I know, but those girls are so pretty. I can’t just throw them away.” [grins] After the porn, I threw away an old wooden drawer I had since the late 80’s from my old place. I got rid of 80% of junk paper, useless bill info, letters, crap, etc.

Today, I got rid of even more stuff. My room is probably about 15% lighter now, and about 25% less stuff. Which is great! UNFORTUNATELY, I found a few things that remind me of Cindy. [sigh] When I thought I got rid/sealed-away all of her stuff, I find the following:

1. photo negatives of our Canada Day 2005 hike
2. a piece of paper where Cindy wrote her friends’ emails for her birthday 2005 get-together
3. a pre-poem print-out that I made for Cindy’s 2005 birthday (01/15/2005)

Initially, when I found the photo negatives, I didn’t know what they were, and I put it up at the light and saw what they were. I hesitated a lot, but I threw it into the trash can. However, a few moments later, I took them back out and put them inside an envelope and shoved it with some other unrelated pictures.

As for the scrap piece of paper with the emails – if you’re wondering why do I even bother keeping that; it’s not because of the content, but because it was her writing. I was there when she asked me for a piece of paper, then I watched while she scribbled the emails on it. It’s just that this happened in the beginning months when things were still really fucking good, though later blah, I still miss her deep down inside of me. Mhm…

It’s passed midnight, so today is May 1st, 2006. One month has passed, and more than 40 days since we broke up, and about 38 days since I last touched her, 37 days since we saw each other, and 35 days since I last heard her voice.

[ponders and smiles]

(20 minutes later…)

[“Encounter” – FF7 Advent Children]

The thing is, the older I get, the more experiences are passed through my psyche, especially with this recent one, I feel as though it IS easier to let go in a shorter period of time than when I was younger. When I was younger, things can be a lot more devastating and the pain more everlasting. I’ve noticed the difference is that when I am older, I am initially chaotic in my emotions, but if you see me today, I am completely numb again. Before Cindy, I was numb. During Cindy, I was blah. After Cindy, I became numb again.

Mind you, I am still thinking of NOT going to Carlo and Donna’s thingy in late August this year. Though I am able to let go of Cindy, I cannot forgive her for the things she did to me. Any thoughts that lasts more than 30 seconds to do with Cindy literally makes me sick and puke. What hurts so much is I, Leeman L Cheng, allowed her to receive my love, then treat me as though I am the ultimate enemy in front of her friends, and betray my thoughts and my trust. Especially when SHE ENCOURAGED me to open myself up to her, to motivate me to let her into my super heavily fortified castle.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about that. As you can probably tell, I’m getting pissed again.

RICE! Now rice is good. I think I took rice for granted. Chinese people, Japanese people, and possibly Koreans and Malaysians eat rice with other stuff. I think we ‘abuse’ rice too much. We should treat rice with more respect. Eat more rice and less of the other stuff.

To celebrate rice, I present you…

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Ah good old MacGuyver… Shoe-lace + lint + penny + rice = bomb thing for escape

BTW this strangely reminds of Carlo’s call to me earlier. He asked me if I would like to take over his WoW account for two months, since he’s erm, ‘not-retiring’. I said I’ll accept it, but I will most likely not go play it. I uninstalled WoW two days ago. Redownload all those damn patches will take me forever! Plus, WoW grew old for me a long time ago. Also considering that I played the bulk of WoW during the bad months between Cindy and I, I don’t want to go back to a game that gave me a lot of fun/happiness and escape as well as a game that gave me a lot of connective memories. I won’t get into those details unless you ask me personally/privately.

I haven’t even played a proper game for weeks! Last big game I played was Tomb Raider Legends and that was in April 9th. I don’t want to play games anymore. They were fun while it lasted. I just want to go out and have fun there instead, and possible get some girls drunk so we can all have more fun… Like talking.

Yup, I like to listen to girls talk when they’re drunk. Mhm.

NEVERMIND.

Right…

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I should put a disclaimer on my site for minors.

My brother use to say, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Mhm…

[“Kiru” – Eitetsu Hayashi & Kaoru Wada]

This is my type of music… A mix of koto (large drum), a biwa (lute) , and shakuhachi (4 or 5 hole flute). Probably others as well, not sure.

[“Kirara” – Eitetsu Hayashi & Kaoru Wada]

[thoughtful]

This one matches my emotions at the moment. Would you like me to share it with you? [smiles] Come to my house, and I will make you some tea, and we can talk about your thoughts, possibly over a game of Go. [smiles]

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[“Kou*Ga*Kyo” – Eitetsu Hayashi & Kaoru Wada]

[bows]

1:01am

3:30am

[“Aerith’s Theme (Piano Version)” – FF7 Advent Children]

2 shots of Malibu and the rest with Tropicana OJ. Mmm… Should be fun, my dreams, tonight. A bit buzzed… Sorry. Sometimes, I get carried away, even to myself. [chuckles] Jessica thought that afterwards, I got drunk every night. No. I don’t get drunk because of those things. I get drunk because of other things. No, it’s not like in the past. It’s not like the fall of my company and all that other stuff. It was different back then.

Today, I ponder a lot, and wonder where along the timeline, I lost a large part of myself. Maybe rather, how did I lose myself.

I must go to bed now. I wish I can say more, but though these entries are my thoughts, it only covers about a fifth of my emotions and ideas, etc. Maybe not even a fifth, like a sixth?

That’s why I wanted to befriend Virginia again really, to bring her out to Western Richmond, and talk. I just want to talk to her. I want to tell her about everything – before, during and after my company. I want to tell her the experiences I went through from 2001 all the way to now. I just want to talk – for once in my life, I wanted to say everything to her, and only her.

Of course, I probably did something or she did something and this just won’t happen. I think she is the right person to share all of my life’s stories for the past 7 years to her. It just feels right.

Mhm. [ponders for a bit and then chuckles] Maybe 2 shots was too much? My body doesn’t work like it use to. Back then, I was king of drinking. If you visited my office between October 2000 and May 2001, I had hundreds of beer bottles and cans there. Well, there’s a mini-story about that, reserved for those who ‘care’ enough.

Aerith… Yeah, I understand, but there is a dilemma. Would I rather that happen or would I rather this happen? [ponders] Maybe this should have been my question back in late March 2006? Well, there is still that small part, so brushing aside the demons, unfortunately for me, I rather this happen then. Maybe it’s the Buddhist way of teaching to respect life that influences me so much. Sometimes, maybe…

Well, unfortunately, I rather this happen then. Yes.

Okay. [nods] Alright. [thoughtful]

(listening to the last few moments of this song…)

[looking at my preschool picture]

Yeah, no one would ever have known that 22 years later… Of course… No one would ever have thought that 22 years later from today…

[following the last few piano strokes]

19 seconds…

15, 11, 4…

3:49am

2 thoughts on “Going Home

  1. Spongey

    Your woman of choice: Is she Vietnamese? She gives me those vibes :p

    I totally know what you’re talking about: expressing yourself through music or visuals. For me, I’ve sometimes had a thought circulating, gyrrating in my brain but I couldn’t, for the life of me, even begin to express it. Sometimes I’d think, “If only you’d see the picture, the patterns inside my head, you’d understand.” Even if I attempted to verbalize it, I’d butcher it. Does that make sense? :s

  2. Li

    It totally makes sense, and that’s a feeling that I wish I can go beyond to express. It really feels like our human bodies are prisons of what we may be capable of. That’s why I use metaphors to explain myself, but as you probably know, not many people – correction, people will never be able to ‘see’ the metaphor 100% (depending on the ‘complexity’). [sigh]

    As for the girl – she REALLY looks vietnamese doesn’t she? Yeah, there’s a certain something about her. The name “Chen” just doesn’t fit. “Cherry”? Sure… 8]

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