While I was digging around in the dark in Minecraft, a memory surfaced of when I was a teenager or when I was in my early twenty’s. In my memory, in a previous night, my mom had thought she convinced me to go to dim sum with her, my dad and my brother. Then the next morning came and I told her I didn’t want to go anymore because I didn’t feel like it. At the time, my mom was already dressed and had walked into my room to wake me up and heard me say that. She responded disappointingly, “Why must you be so disappointing?” (So Hing) After trying to convince me some more, she stopped and in the muffled distance, I heard her tell my dad and brother I won’t be going.
At the time, I felt bad and I even stayed awake on my bed trying to convince myself to go or stay, while listening to them put their shoes on, open the door, then leave. I fell back asleep some time later.
Fast forward fifteen to twenty years, I’m here typing this up thinking about what my mom had gone through and thinking about what my mom is going through now. Earlier yesterday, I got up late and had stayed in my computer room to do various things. Once I was finished, I prepared my shower while my mom yelled up from downstairs, “You will have to take care of yourself when I am dead. No one will yell at you anymore.” I brushed it aside, but of course, it is in the back of my mind, constantly somewhere, lingering and popping up every now and then.
As I got into the shower, I had a glimpse of some of the thoughts that had coursed through my mind in the past about the day my mom passes from this world. I remember I posted a similar entry some years ago where Michelle had commented. It was quite heart wrenching. Makes me wonder if… Hmm, I was going to say if I had changed, but then my mind transitioned into, “Makes me wonder if I had done better?” I would like to say obviously not, but my pupils dilated and I suddenly thought, “What’s the point?”
I’m hanging on a thread right now.