Dla Ma Ta Jo

1:19am

[“Santi-U (Macross Plus DVD Main Menu Version)” by Yoko Kanno]

The title of this entry means “If you give up your body, it will drown.”

I’ve always loved the sound of cannons firing. I am definity a fighter by heart. Unfortunately, I am born in the wrong era. My passion is buried deep within my heart. I know exactly what it is, but living in today’s society, that ‘fantasy’ is shunned.

Mmm, I’m getting a little high and sleepy from the Kokanee.

Since early June, I’ve made a few new female friends – Pam Chan, Emma Pang, and Mable Hui.

This week, I’ve had the chance to ‘meet’ Grace who works at Hon’s in Richmond. She’s very cute. Looks very young though. First time I saw her was when she had pigtails. Very very very cute. She also wore thick black framed glasses, which made her extra delicious. I tried to go after her, and on the second night we went back there for dinner, I did ask the waitress about her, and well, she relayed that info to Grace and the entire staff, and yeah… Let’s just say it didn’t go so well.

Today, during dinner, I told my mom that I’m 27 and I know what I like, what I want and desire, and don’t want to beat around the bush for months chasing after a girl. After going through a few relationships, as well as seeing and advising my friends own relationship issues, I KNOW exactly what I like and want, so obviously, I’ll go for it without manuevering too much. I tire of the chase. It bores the hell out of me, and it’s pointless. I’m not some teenager who doesn’t know what I want. I am a friggin mid/late twenties guy who’s had enough intimate relationships and overall worldly experiences to know what I want and how to get it.

Unfortunately, girls like Grace are young, inexperienced, and for fuck sakes, still don’t really know what they want, but you know what? I’m attracted to either A) easy to get women who are independent and fucking naughty as the devil’s mom, or B) shy ‘proper’ girls who has pigtails and works in restaurants. This isn’t the first time I’ve taken a liking to someone who works in the food and drink industry.

However, though my actions are sincere, I feel as though I may be ‘too’ casual about intimate relationships overall. A few days ago, I even thought I understood why Leo does what he does with non-Asian descendant females, because caucasian, latinos, mix girls are simple and direct. Guys deal with the lady and not the lady’s friends, family, and fucking grandma, dog, neighbor, magazine, and shit like that.

If you think about it, my relationship with Tea Girl was about 3 months, June was nearly 3 months, my little one-night near-sex rendezvous with Kathleen, well, lasted for one night of passionate kisses, licking, and the sort. Whoever else I’ve been with was short but fucking sweet. I gave myself a chance to fall in love and try to take love more seriously, and look how my total and utter consideration, compassion, emotion, and everything else became? Cindy fucked up my emotional processing. You can say I allowed it to happen, and I did, but the least she could do was let me go honorably, instead of saying bad things about me to her friends and family.

Anyway, I won’t delve into that as it will just bring out my anger.

[“Age Of Love” by Jam & Spoon]

It has only been about three and a half months, but I know I am ready for another relationship. Just not a serious one. Keeping it casual is nice. The thing is, when I see Grace, I feel like I can take long walks with her on the Western Richmond trail while the sun sets, or chill out on one of those benches with my arm around her. Sure, I may have a fucking rock hard erection, but I wouldn’t try to have sex with her. I may go home thinking about her sexually, but I wouldn’t try to do it with her, unless she wants to. When I see girls like Jessica, Cindy, shit, etc… …I want to fuck them like there’s no tomorrow, and still retain bf/gf status while doing other meaningful things with them, but I tell you – my dick wants to, and a part of my mind wants to, even my emotions, but there is also the other part that want someone nice, someone cool, someone sweet and giving, as well as soft, comfortable, and really easy-going. I have a very complex mind that words really escape me. I want someone to help me speak my mind. Maybe not help me speak my mind, but someone who can see my mind.

Or maybe not.

Who the fuck cares?

[“Way Out West” by The Gift]

I was also thinking earlier that I weight train and try to make myself primarily stronger and secondarily bigger, healthier, and sexier looking by eating more, cycling, going to the gym, doing outdoor sports, etc because I want to defy my genetics. Can I do it? Partially. I see some results. My pectorals are bigger. My shoulders have become broader. My neck isn’t as thin, and my face has more meat. My fore-arms and my legs are still kind of like a chicken’s, but that can’t be helped. I don’t wear shorts because of this fact. I wore shorts Monday, and that was the first time in over a decade.

There are things I learned in my relationship with Cindy. Mainly asthetic things. The type of women I prefer, like guys with boxers. They also like guys who has muscle and a nice smile. Laura, Kathleen, Kai, and some other girls think I have a great smile. I’m just missing the muscle, meat, and the overall facial charm.

Will I turn out to be a Leo? Partially.

I felt that if Virginia saw me today for who I am and not what I did before, and gave me a second chance, I could prove to her that my heart is indeed very sincere and would like to grow with her, etc. When I saw Grace, I felt something similar. The thing is, the more chances lost with women like that, the more I sway in the direction of these hot and easy women – at the very least, these very easy bitches. I know I can do it – I feel it. I know I am supposed to be in control of myself, but when your primary focus is your career and your family, you just want to let go of everything else.

[“Itsumono asa ~ Yokan” by Kunihiko Ryo]

Pathetically, if girls like Virginia and Grace gave me a second chance, I think I may be able to attain refuge within them. In my past, I never trusted girls like Virginia, because I was insecure. I felt that someone like her could never be with someone like me. I felt I was a loser, someone expendable, and I still feel that way today, but I also feel my heart pump with warmth and it yearns for someone like her – still.

Maybe it’s lust. Maybe it’s simply a matter of being alone for so long. My mind may be complicated, but my heart isn’t. I am exactly like my Chinese astrological sign. I am a horse whom yearns freedom, but if tamed by the right hands, I can carry her as far as my legs can. I can nuzzle and protect her, bring her away from danger, as much as my body allows me to. I am her knight. I am a fighter.

I wish her to be my lover.

Where am I going? Just going. I feel like I can almost speak ‘words’ with these sounds I am hearing…

Grass, swaying with the strong but gentle wind. A long rolling field of dreams. I feel like a young boy, laying there, staring up at the blue skies, smiling. Breathing in the clean, crisp, cool air. Then my horse comes to take me away. I morph from spirit into the living thing. Run, run, gallop, trot, trot, I run.

I hate things to be ruined so fucking suddenly.

Anyway, I am fucking done. Anger seathing. I wish I can kill everything, including myself, and guess what? If any simple minded fucktard read this line, they would think so simple-mindedly about it face-value. They just don’t understand, and I wish my brother didn’t just come in here to ruin my train of thoughts and emotions. He always fucking does that at the wrong time!

2:06am

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