Falling in love

Falling in love

Temptation is a huge nuisance, even though it is also used as a driving point to achieve goals. Something reminds me constantly that no matter the distance, no matter whether my wife is near or on a different planet, that when I asked her to marry me, it meant that I am exclusively hers. I confess that this far distance and the troubles that come with distance has set me on a wobbly path leading down to acting upon temptation, but here’s the thing, the universe it seems has always looked out for me, no matter how insignificant I may be in this ocean of nearly 7 billion personae. This is where my spirituality comes into place.

I have always been identified as an atheist, someone who does not believe in a divine being, like a god and someone who does not adhere to a religion. The thing is, I am not an atheist, nor am I an agnostic. I am also not a person of any particular religion and I do not adhere to a particular scripture that aligns itself to its god or gods. I am in fact a believer that the universe is a ‘living entity’ but not of the same sort of living entity like that of a human being or a divine being. It has more to do that each and every single element of everything in and around us are elements of this one massive force. In essence, I am but one cell of zillions of other cells working and interacting with each other.

Over the years, I have used common entities such as the moon, a Pureland Buddhist god and even the God of the Christian faith as a representation of my feelings. In reality, none of these things truly provide an accurate identity of my beliefs. Regardless, this is besides the point of this entry.

Love is a topic of debate amongst the masses, but I have ejected myself from such topics because people will always draw their own conclusions to as what it is. What is important is that at the point of me asking for Amber to marry me, my love for her was never at its peak. My love for her will always become more solidified as the years come and go and as our experiences together and apart help us realize what love means to both of us.

As time went on, I realized that what is missing in my life right now is not what is missing in our married life, but rather what is missing in me solely. Financial stability is what is missing and I knew this for a long time, but what is actually associated with my financial stability is my inability to stab through my fears, my phobias, my inhibitions. I feel worthless and useless, even though I work my ass off trying to get things going. The problem is that my life is in the whims of others.

When my wife is not next to me, I am prone to fantasize and flirt, just so I can feel I have a certain touch still. The thing is, the last few months since we got married, I have not acted as a husband should be. Correction, I think I should instead say that I have never acted as a lover and partner should be.

Often times, I think back on the three and a half years Amber and I have been together and all the hardships we went through. I am a very hard person to get along when people get close to me and here’s another thing, I can see this issue I have.

How many times has Amber shed tears because she couldn’t express her love to me the way she wanted to because the way I expected her to, was no where close to what I had in mind? I have said this before and I had acknowledged the fact that I do have these issues of temper and impatience and being anal. I could say I cannot help being me and I could also say she married me for the man I am, but as the man I am, she deserves more than this husk of a failure of a person. I know she loves me, but I don’t love myself enough and when I don’t love myself enough, it’s hard for me to see and feel pass my emotions and believe others for having much stronger feelings for me.

At the back of my mind, I unconsciously ask myself constantly: How could she love a person like me? I am a failure. I am useless. I cannot do anything. I have two arms, two legs, a brain, a will and so little confidence.

My friends always thought and strongly believed I am one of the most confident people they know. It must be the way I talk and express myself in public. In reality, I constantly feel very little, very tiny, very insignificant. I get my strength from my friends. They don’t realize this, but some of them do now.

I know it’s hard for two people in love to have their own problems, to be able to come to some sort of middle ground and solve their own problems, to try to help each other, to work towards being together. I constantly feel like I am hanging by a thread, but here’s the thing, even with this said, I know there are things and people around me constantly looking over me. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings that I spend time thinking about how I can thank them, but before I even get there, these problems that haunt me for so many years come back and slap me hard across my face.

Every little and big thing that my friends do, even at the face of scrutiny and often times to put up with my erratic bullshit, I remember and like now, this is the only time of many rare moments I get to finally say what I want to say to them and I want the world to know what they mean to me, before I lose the will to my demeaned life.

First and foremost, my wife Amber. We’ve had our problems but you know what? They were primarily my problems. How many times have I broken your heart my wife? And yet, you stuck with me. I had pushed you so far off the edge and you still climbed back up to me. I dug my own grave and what did you do? You dug me out of it. I took your heart you gave me and what did I do? I threw it into the sea. Yet, you found it again and shoved it back into my hands.

When I was in Germany the first time around, her mom wanted me to ask her daughter’s hand in marriage. I should have but I didn’t. Not because I did not respect her mom or her wishes, but because in some ways, I was defying the universe on whom I should be with. What I was actually doing was that I wanted to be the one who was the first and last person to decide who to be with in my lifetime. Unlike my work politics, I wanted to be the one to make the decision and the one who followed through with it. No one but you could reject that.

You know Amber, you’re the only person I think about when I am happy and when I am sad. Then when I establish you in my mind, I think about my friends and my parents and my brothers. Not quite in that order though. ^_^

I went through many intimate relationships since my teenage years and every girl I said “I love you” to simply does not match the non-verbal love I have for you. You are the rock in my life, the focal point of all of my desires, the necessity of what I need to do to better my situation and Amber, I want you to know why my friends mean so much to me…

In no particular order, Patrick is more than just a childhood friend since the summer of 1987. I met him before you were born my love and I am unsure why, but it breaks my heart that I wasn’t there for him throughout these years that he had to face his own issues on his own. I miss the days when we went to each of our houses to sleep over, to play together, to find our childhood so full of warmth and sunny days.

Each person has their own subjective perceptions of what life is about, how it should be, etc. I am such a harsh person. I wonder if he secretly hates me. I was barely changing from 1987 to 2014, as I observed him in his various stages leading to this point in our lives. What did I do? I gave him constructive criticism. Is that what a brother should do? NO! NOT THE TIME AND PLACE! He wanted someone to rant to and I failed that.

I was able to organize trips with strangers and new friends like Ryan Lacey because of Patrick. Yes, Pat wasn’t very good with keeping to times and schedules, but he was really good with at least one thing: being my friend and brother. Damn it Pat, why didn’t you just smack me upside the head? I am so hurt that you had to face all these things on your own. I wish I was there. Now you’re somewhere, trying your hand on something you’re passionate about and where am I? In front of this computer typing. WHAT THE HELL WOULD TYPING DO FOR YOU?

You sent me that text message awhile ago. You know which one. You gave me a gift and you didn’t even realize it. I had a feeling, but I never knew exactly. Let me tell you something…

In the late 1980’s, about a year or two after I met you and gained your friendship, I was out with my brother at the Mitchell school field. There was a fence that separated the field with a house that was abandoned and about to be bulldozed for the ‘new’ townhouses. There were kids there. I was on the field side. My brother was always very brave. He went ahead, to explore the abandoned house. I stayed on the field side. NOT because I was scared, but because I didn’t want to get into trouble. Guess what Pat? I thought of you. In my mind, I thought if you were there with me, you would have ‘lead’ me to go explore the abandoned house.

The next person is Benny. I met him in early 2008. We clicked right away. He’s a very likeable person, though a bit off. You know what’s weird? I associated him to the Goddess of Mercy, Guan Yin. Ask your wife who that is. She will know.

Everyone reading this, I want you to know that Benny has constantly tried his best to provide an environment that keeps me afloat. He goes above and beyond the line of duty and friendship to help me. This guy has four jobs: his day job, his baby/family, his NuSkin and Bang. He could easily sleep better at night, quit this shit, yet he doesn’t, at least not yet, but I have a feeling he wants to.

Here’s the thing Benny: you don’t owe me anything. You are not responsible for me. I am responsible for me. If Bang doesn’t work for you, just stop doing it. You’ve been hovering around like a god for a long time. It’s time you put your energy into someone more reasonable, like your baby daughter. Whatever happens to me, is not your fault, nor your problem.

Even though you said you value the money we make less than what you want us to earn, the thing is, what I earn will always scale to what I believe should be yours and mine as partners. You might not realize this, but the health of the company coincides with the health of the partnership. I argue with you because of my stupidity, but in the end, I always come to a middle ground with you because you are an excellent diplomat, but Benny, there is more to life than duty.

I know you tried your best, even with a ‘little’ holding back. So I thank you for that and more. I already knew. I just was being optimistic because I really wanted it to work.

Jason Lau, you should never ever underestimate the worth of your life. The worth of a person’s life is based on the quality of your relationships and how you relate to them. By yourself, worth is not even a part of the equation. There is no default value because it’s just not there. You once said to me that you envy me, that I have someone that loves me and would attend my grave if I died. Jason, if I never found Amber, I would surely hope that at the very least, my friends would attend my funeral and scatter M&Ms along with my ashes out into the Fraser River. Don’t mistake M&Ms for Skittles. I don’t like Skittles.

I value your life and your being. You thanked me for mentioning you in my “In My Journeys” video for Amber, but you didn’t realize that I was thanking you. Not only did I wanted to, but I needed to tell you in some archaic indirect way that I thank you. This is what I am thanking you for…

I once had a brother named Albert who was pretty much my all. We connected in almost every way. We would stand next to the water at Granville Island and he would start a question with a word or two, but before he even finished, I would answer his question. That was the sort of relationship we had.

You come very close to that. The biggest difference is that he became a man with a very dark bleak heart, a tyrant in the making, out for vengeance. I still miss him of course – the past of him. Then you came into my life and there has been many times where all you had to do was give me a certain look, a perverted wicked grin and/or the start of a sentence and I would know automatically what you were thinking. This sort of connection is super rare.

I envy the time you first met and became friends with Pat. I wish I was there too. So I could grow up with all of you.

-I will continue this at a later date-

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