Great Prince of Hell

For as long I’ve become more in-tuned with the universe, I’ve found myself aligned with a living metaphor. I do feel what this force feels. Metaphorically, living is both heaven and hell and all that is in between and beyond.

I do not seek knowledge. I seek to share knowledge.

Unlike my youth and many of those around me, I did not and I never binge drank alcohol to escape from reality. To ‘escape’ my scenarios, I worked harder for all the causes I engaged myself in.

There was something Jon said to me, that… It doesn’t matter. In short, if I was the only one in existence other than a rock, we will always attract each other and eventually meet up.

I crave for a long lasting connection, a consistent one. I seek out my friendships because they are the closest I can have in terms of consistency, but obviously they can’t be reliable because they have their own lives. Therefore, I live with myself, constantly feeling these thoughts. Sometimes, I almost envy the friends that align themselves religiously and with a god. Alas, I am vastly aware of the universe and the mechanics of it to be able to align myself to a contrary ideal.

A special relationship with the universe. I do miss my conversations with my mentor. Unfortunately, I am too much of a coward to face him.

You lose your sense of reason. You have no sense of danger. It’s like you’re living in a dream.
It lets you float through crowds and makes you smile at strangers. It’s just the greatest state of being…

I seek someone who actually listens and comprehends, rather than simply listen.
I seek someone who will comprehend and offer his or her thoughts to me.
I seek someone who would take those ideals and with her own ideals, give me her own words.

I know I’m asking too much. “Too much” relative to my own ideals.

[sigh]

One thing I missed in my relationship with Albert was exactly this. With all of his pettiness, analness and negativity, he was an excellent listener and person that would offer his own thoughts when asked. We did share moments – both sad and happy. It is really too bad that we could not or at the very least, I could not accept whom he has become at this point.

Of course, I do feel Doctor Ding can offer me an ear, but he is careful. J Lau is funny and I know he can offer an ear, but he has his own issues. Patrick is a golf ball. Ryan is like an asteroid. Other than them, everyone else can only offer me a very limited aspect. It’s not simply that they can’t or won’t offer me more, but it’s just that I seek something more.

I am not specific, but I do seek it.

One of the reasons why I deter from questions that J Ding ask me, “When will you ride next?” is because I know he is doing it for a reason outside his realm of wanting to personally. Especially, after reading my latest reply to Patrick. I appreciate his efforts, but…

I will be honest…

I have always valued my friendships. I am just very bad at keeping in touch when they are so far away. Those who live within the vicinity of “calling up and going out” will connect with me the easiest. Once that sort of connection is established, no matter how far they become, they will always have a place in my realm of closeness.

Like Ryan, I desire no-bullshit relationships, but people are naturally paranoid. They seek social protocol and rely on social rules of conduct. I detest that, greatly.

For example, I went out with Pat, Jason and Jason and the two Kevins’ and a wife of a Kevin and felt as though I needed to be considerate towards the two Kevins’ and the wife. I felt foreign.

You know, in my lifetime so far, I’ve had three people refer me as their mentor. For all three, I eventually made myself ‘less’, so they would rely on me less. They eventually looked at me as a lesser being. In some ways, I felt ‘bad’, but in many ways, I felt relieved.

I don’t want to be anyone’s mentor. I have one and he is worlds apart from me. I cannot take on any apprentices.

[sigh]

There is so much I want to say… But, no outlet.

I am 30. I feel like I am the pharaoh being worshiped by beings that simply will never understand me, with their various religions. They simply do not understand and only assume.

Often, I want to escape from this world forever. If I can escape for a thousand years… How awesome eh? Yet, if only humanity can live for a thousand years.

I have never been in an intimate relationship where my lover listened and understood me. I never told them anything. If my friends, can’t even understand, how would I ‘expect’ them to?

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