Half Satisfied, Or Lonely Forever (revised)

Half Satisfied, Or Lonely Forever (revised)

1:24am

To celebrate Michelle’s new entry, titled “Unconditional Love“, and also after I read my own entry and felt that it wasn’t really saying what I wanted to say. At least, the entry was all over the place and not quite to the point.

Over the last year and a bit, I’ve had the chance to meet new people – boys and girls between 21 and 42, 90% of them female. I went out with them, some became friends, others just faded with disinterest and other circumstances. I had the opportunity to turn a few of those connections into something more – either a fling or take it further and into a deeper more ‘meaningful’ relationship. However, as much as my libido wanted it and/or my emotional core desired it, I couldn’t bring myself to do much in both fields. It wasn’t like years ago where I met someone under a ‘strange’ circumstance and hooked up. Since last year, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was that held me back. Some suggested it was insecurity because of my last relationship that went quite badly. Others suggested I ‘grew up’ and changed accordingly. My mom felt that I simply became sick of those type of girls and that reached out to every other type of girl in general.

[shrugs]

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Over the last two years, I also had the chance to observe my friends and their relationships, and of course, before I ‘retired’ from DearCupid, I had the chance to talk with quite a few people to do with their problems and such and that opened up a lot of perspectives. What I realized over time was that I was simply not satisfied at all with anyone who I had the opportunity to meet, and even with people that I already knew and were interested in pursuing something deeper or casually.

So what was it that made me realized that? Well aside from all the direct and indirect experiences in the last decade and so, I just felt that what I truly want isn’t available. After having a bunch of girlfriends, flings, and other intimate-sort of ‘relationships’, I just came to my own summary of concepts and concluded that type of partner I desire.

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I looked at my friends and their relationships and they are satisfied enough, but they aren’t satisfied completely. I guess that is a given for most relationships on this planet, but I see two issues here that are ongoing: 1) losing yourself to emotional obligation and 2) little positive emotional growth and connection between two people.

For example, the biggest reason I stayed with Cindy after our first fall-out was due to fucking great sex (yeah, can’t go wrong there) and emotional obligation to her because I wasn’t there for her when her mom received a botch surgery. Was I really in love with her? I might have felt that I was in love with the idea of loving her, coupled with the issue of ‘fucking great sex’. All in all, looking back on that screwed up relationship with her, I can tell you that I was really simply just not satisfied with her.

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Throughout DearCupid.org, there are posts and comments with this phrase: “Being in love with someone and loving someone.”

You have no idea how sick of this phrase or similar phrases I am with that! Bluntly put, “being in love” with someone is simply and utterly just you being consistently attracted to your partner. If you weren’t attracted to your partner coupled with emotional obligation, you simply and utterly not be in love. When they say they are “loving someone”, that just simply and utterly means they care about that person and has either fallen out of love and attraction for that person, and/or they found someone who bring their emotional and physical libido higher than their current partner.

Anyway, Albert asked me a few years ago, why I did not try to make June stay here in Canada with me. At the time, I felt I didn’t deserve it amongst other things only Albert will know about. However, I’ll make a more accurate guess that it was because the circumstance of her departure was perfect – maybe because I could feel that I didn’t want someone who was nearly three years older than me when I was twenty two. At her best, she was quite pretty. She was feminine. She was quiet and always by my side when we’re out with friends. She was considerate, mature and intelligent. She was adaptable. She was spiritual enough and not religious. She had very nice, silky long black hair with brown streaks. She was playful and silly and when she laughed, I couldn’t help but smile. She had the silkiest skin I have ever touched – so damn milky smooth… [elated smile]

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The ‘problems’ were not equally as plentiful in terms of neutral and positive traits, but still enough to make me think twice about keeping her for the long run. For one, she was absolutely not sexual, and when she tried to be, she was well, yeah… She was also older than me and at times, a bit condescending because of my age.

You know, come to think of it, June was actually a pretty good match for me. Albert, you were right. Alas, her non-sexualness was a really big no no., and no, she wouldn’t have been able to ‘learn’ to be more sexual. Unlike Jenny, where she went from conservative religious freak (no offense [wink]) to this sexually liberated queen of all sexual women, June would have simply ‘learned’ to do it in a ‘different’ position… [sighs]

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Enough about that.

That’s why it was ‘difficult’ to let Cindy go, even when I brought up breaking up with her so damn many times. In my heart and mentality, I knew she was bad news, but sex was so damn good and others miniscule factors. I wasn’t satisfied enough. If we were in our own world, sure, it would have worked, but because we weren’t, it would have been worst over time anyway.

So back on the core topic; observing the relationships between my friends and their partners have attributed to my own feelings in this question: “Half satisfied, or lonely forever?”

For the things I used to do for my partners, I can’t bring myself to do them any more unless I feel completely satisfied or in other words, unless I am in love with them, erm, I mean her – the hypothetical ‘her’. It’s not that some of the females I know now aren’t attractive or not good potential lovers, but I simply and utterly want the complete package.

Thinking back on the corn cob story I read off of Spongey’s Xanga site sometime last year, I don’t quite follow it. I am not a perfectionist – far from, but I am all about comfort.

If you don’t mind too much, I’ll take Albert and Jenny for example. They fight a lot. Not physically per se. Albert will never hit Jenny. In fact, I’ve seen Jenny punch, tickle, poke, and pinch and very often. He is a pokable boy. He is. I’d poke him if I can get close enough…

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[ahem]

Nothing a few beers can’t do…

[laughs]

Right, so they fight a lot. Can this translate to the relationship being a passionate one? No. Not quite. Actually, not at all. They are the only people that I know on the face of this planet who can stand each other’s tempers and nuisances. It drives me crazy (Batman’s Gotham City Asylum crazy) just being in their presence, and I’m not even talking about them fighting. In my perspective, they are made for each other. Regardless of their constant fighting and issues, I feel that only Jenny can take Albert’s unfair temper and other things, and only Albert can take Jenny’s womanly frustrations and stuffs. My gosh, just thinking about them is making me consider living life at a monastery full of buck naked 17 to 19 year old girls in private school uniform…

No wait, wrong entry.

So I see that they are made for each other in that strange and twisted way. In their worst, they are fucked up, but at their best, they are awesome.

However, if I was in Albert’s shoes with my personality and core characteristics intact, I would have left that relationship a long time ago, unless of course the sex is fucking excellent. Then again, there is so much I can tolerate before I crack. Seriously though, I wouldn’t be satisfied enough. Firstly, Jenny is not my type obviously, and second…. No, that’s pretty much it.

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I guess what I am trying to say is that if there are so many problems that lead to so much tension and discomfort in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it over the long run. So I applaud Jenny and Albert for staying together for so damn long for whatever reason. However, to put others into perspective, say Ed and his girlfriend, Spongey and her love ‘current’ interest, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I can’t see myself in their shoes. Just because a girl is caring and considerate, it doesn’t translate to much in the whole picture. Just because a girl is hot, it doesn’t make me want her more. Just because a girl is sweet and silly, it doesn’t make me think about her that way. Just because she is motherly material, it doesn’t say much in terms of wanting her to be mine. Individual factors don’t hold me to the thought and feeling of wanting someone that way. It just doesn’t work for me.

So as the title reads, “Half satisfied, or lonely forever?” I’ve been half satisfied before, or satisfied ‘enough’, and I have also had the opportunity to meet and shortly be together with someone who fit the satisfaction point at a level where I did fall in love with her, but for the me of today, I haven’t met anyone like that. I’ve been alone before, and I am alone now. I do feel lonely at times, mildly, but unlike most of my friends, I have to say, I have a very definitive individuality. My biggest influence is myself, and being constantly aware of my surroundings and those in my local vicinity, I have to say that I rather be lonely forever, than half satisfied.

I can’t live an illusion, and I can’t live feeling obligated to love someone just because I want to be a ‘better’ person. I don’t believe in that bullshit, but if you do, congratulations. Why did I congratulate you? If you don’t believe what I just said just now, then that means you either A) have found someone that you truly believe, meet 70% to 80% of your needs and wants – yes in that numeric range (irony here?), B) believe that being in love with someone means you love him or her based on the complete package, yet you cannot even comprehend the odd dissatisfaction for that person in the first place and ‘mistake’ that as simply ‘just another normal ‘problem’ that all couples have’, and/or C) think that I am delusional because there is no such thing as ‘the perfect’ companion.

If you are C, ‘the perfect’ companion retain human error regardless. “Perfection” and “imperfection” is actually a paradox when it comes to relationships. They exist together and never apart.

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Vivian Mallot once said on her Facebook description: “Loving, carefree, flawed, beautiful.

That pretty much sums up what I ‘seek’ in terms of an intimate companion. Of course, you may digress and say that everyone can be like that. No, through words coupled with my thoughts and what my heart feels, those words are an infinite more poetic than your possible face-value sort of mentality.

I imagine someone I cannot get if I tried. Gorgeous, isn’t it? [grins]

2:37am

6 Replies to “Half Satisfied, Or Lonely Forever (revised)”

  1. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do about love.What works for one doesn’t always work for another.Its true what Deepak Chopra says,” The person you are with is the mirror of who you are inside.When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within.

    For me love has nothing to do with what I am expecting to get,its about what I am expecting to give………which is everything.So many people enter relationships,thinking the person they are with belongs to them.I use to be one of those people,till my illusion came crashing down.No wonder it did.Love is free with no expectations.

    BTW I miss you on cupid,its boring without your comments.

  2. You are completely and utterly awesome for reminding me about “what I am expecting to give”. That is exactly what I was trying to say but did not have the mindframe and words to say them. Even when I mentioned about sex; the whole idea of sexual communication is really about trying to give my all to her and pleasure her physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s the utmost desire to please her (no not by being a blinded and deaf paranoid push-over) and to continue to learn and grow with her.

    As I said else where and for those who don’t know, Ariel has pretty much hit it on the spot with “Every conflict you wage is an excuse not to face a conflict within.” I totally and utterly agree with that statement.

    In the previous version of this entry, I said, “In reality, as much as those fantasies can easily be done, deep down inside, I was simply not satisfied enough. Do you know why? Because in all honesty, I am dissatisfied with myself.”

    I want to be able to give without hindrance, and even when there are obstacles, I still wish to be able to give independently. That is why I don’t really like things such as Xmas, Valentines, and similar ‘holidays’, but birthdays should really celebrate the parents that gave birth to the daughter. What I mean is that I don’t want a reason to give to her. I just want to give. Seeing most of my friends do the things they do, it either has an ulterior ego motive or they do it because of occasion. In my past, I don’t remember doing things just because of an occasion. As I grew up, as I went through that superficial relationship with Cindy, I became a part of that occasion to give.

    In short, I don’t expect someone to reciprocate. If they do, it means I deserved it from their point of view. If over time, I feel that the connection is broken or lost, then it simply means it’s time to move on. With Cindy, it was fucked up because even when the connection was broken, she continued to do things that looked as though she wanted me to stay. Mind you, the things she did wasn’t consistent. The most common thought to do with her was, “What the hell are you trying to do?”

    [laughs]

    Anyway, “Love is free with no expectations” – pretty much what I say to everyone at DearCupid. I hate the fact that a lot of people believe that just because they invest time and effort into their partners, that their partners belong to them as an asset and investment. I also hate the fact that a lot of people think that there are specific rules for two people being together – eg: “How many times should a married couple have sex in one week?” I mean what the hell?!?!? Or something like, “Shouldn’t my wife back off and give me the freedom to go drinking with my friends and spend the weekends with them because I work so hard and give her everything?” Huh?!? Why are you married in the first place?

    Yeah, I just cannot see justification in what they ask and what they do.

    I ‘retired’ from DearCupid because of two reasons really: A) I lost favor from most of the members there due to one bad temperament comment I made a few months ago in one of the anti-martini/anti-porn threads, and B) there are already people there that fill in the role of mediator and/or confidant very well. It would be a bad taint to have Mr. Perverted Face Martini continue his dirty footed prancing at a place like that. I still moderate from time to time, but I guess we’ll see… 8]

  3. I think you are a brilliant Agony Uncle.You are not responsible for the way people feel about your comments on porn or any other comment,its their problem and those feelings you stirred up in them are their problem that they need to deal with.I think a lot of people on DC miss you.

  4. Finding someone who completely satisfies you is flawed in every way. You yourself and your needs are constantly evolving and the only thing you can really control is what you give out to your partner. In the end, isn’t that what it’s all about? To quote a cheesy cliche, “you can give without loving but you can’t love without giving”. Besides, we have friends and other companions (ie dogs) that fill in the holes that our other half cannot. At best, in the end, when it comes to being “half satisfied or lonely forever”, you just have to choose the lesser of two evils.

  5. ANYWAY, I obviously didn’t get my message across to some people, but that’s alright. It’s all good.

    Being half satisfied means that no intimate companion can ever connect with me on a mental and spiritual level, yet retain all the other regions of emotional, part mental, and physical comfort. I can get that easily if I wanted to. However, what I really want is on top of emotional, part mental, and physical comfort, I can connect with someone… You know what? It doesn’t matter, because no matter how I explain it, no one will really understand. That’s the blunt truth.

    The thing about “seeking complete satisfaction being flawed” is not accurate. I wasn’t asking for complete satisfaction in the linear perspective that perfection excludes imperfection. In my mind, being completely satisfied includes the flaws of the person as well as her positive qualities. I am an observer, I like to watch her from afar, and see how she is like. If she has things that annoy me, they can range from barely to really fucking driving me nuts, but it all really depends on a moderated balance of technique and learning. I look at a person and base a lot of my thoughts and conclusions on a non-linear formula that I received from varying ‘tests’ and observations.

    Example: I have adored every female I have ever came in contact with on a friendship level, meaning on a level whom I can share a part of my thoughts with. Adoring them doesn’t mean I love them that way. It just means I have the possibility of loving them that way, but the real motive being simply friendship. Sometimes mind you, my damn libido do get carried away… [sighs]

    With that said, it isn’t difficult to see all the nuisances of a person if you talk and be around them enough. Regardless, it’s still possible to be attracted to that person, but then comes further reality. With learned history and experience, we all can get to a point where we realize what nuisances work hand in hand with the good qualities of a person, rather than nuisances that obstruct the good qualities of a person. You follow?

    I know exactly what I like and what I desire to the intricate detail. I know almost every detail, every movement, action, reaction, thought, upbringing, personality bits, astrological influences, friendships, historical beacons, milestones, goals, etc, etc, etc, etc on the ‘fantasy’ that I desire. However, I also desire certain acceptable negatives about the person, and how those negatives work hand in hand with her psyche and why and how.

    I can tell you now that the two people whom has ever met those ‘fantasies’ were Virginia and June. That’s it. Damn, June had really soft silky skin… Never felt anything like it before. [nostalgic horny smile]

    Of course, it’s not about a set of particulars that I find in complete satisfaction. It’s really the formula on complete satisfaction. I can tell you that the formula of being sweet, considerate, feminine, intelligent, cute, random, silly, spiritual and emotional, and mentally open-minded combined with the perfect female shape through my perspective would have to be Virginia and June. However, they aren’t alike in terms of interests and personality. Sure, they both liked to travel, but June loved wine and liquor, and Virginia can’t stand it. Sure, Virginia had big stiff breasts, a slim defined waistline, sexy legs, and a damn gorgeous ass, and a very very very very cute face back then and much preferred long black hair, and June had a slimmer body, a roundish ass, baseball size boobs, middle-back long brown and black hair, super silky soft skin, and a great complexion, but no wait, that’s it. That was the difference…

    [shakes head at myself] Yeah, sex is on my mind. Can’t you tell? Psshh

    Yeah like I tried saying, not particulars, but the formula. Blah. Yeah I think I screwed up my explanation. Just great Li. Just great. Good job.

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