I crown myself incompetent

I crown myself incompetent

Tune: “Halo” by Beyonce
Drink: Honey Tea
Mood: Mixed, but passionate and somewhat enlightened

[audio:Beyonce_-_Halo.mp3]

A long time ago, an ex intimate companion told me she met a guy who told her that he’s not a fighter but a lover and this made her laugh in a good way. At the time, I smirked a little and thought, I’m exactly the opposite.

One of the first things I told Albert since he and I reunited over a decade ago was what I would like to do for the world if I had that wealth, power and influence. I wanted to create opportunities for people to blossom. Whether that opportunity is an opportunity of love, to find love, to break love and to heal, to find friendship, to find family, to find their true passion, to help them grow, to help them find themselves and to find others, in short, I just wanted to use my wealth, my power and influence to create a world where people can find a true angel. However, not an angel they can see or assign credit to because I would stay in the background through others, through charities with no religious or political ties. Just people that want to do good for others.

You may wonder why I want to do this? I think it has to do with how my mom raised me. We have a simple family with complicated issues. However, through all that, my mom has always been where she ‘has to be’ and she did this because she is mom. Does she take credit for being mom? No, in fact, she takes credit for blame and the endless arguments we’ve had in the past. Yet, she keeps doing what she does for us.

Through a city, a garden, an alley, a library, a beach, a spiral staircase pass a single father, holding his daughter’s hand, crossing a street, watching a red balloon cut loose and floating up into the sky to meet a distant plane flying to another country, where wedding bells ring far away and a woman’s heart breaks as she lays a bouquet of her mother’s favorite flowers on her coffin surrounded by loved ones to remember her by. The soldier that loses his legs from a mine that comes home unable to find a job, with a family that is stressed out, to a wife that is hopeless. The lost child kidnapped by a stranger and held prisoner for decades. The athlete who stares through a window into a television screen where two professional tennis players play in England. The homeless sister and brother playing the guitar near a bridge to earn some food money from passerby’s.

I want to create groups of people and fund them to help create a creative environment where these people can somehow stumble upon it and subtly take the steps to make things happen for themselves. Ultimately, they can credit that to God, Buddha or whoever they want, but in reality, it is other humans that helped them, that gave them a chance.

Our world is huge, yet only a speckle upon the backdrop of this universe. If we were to survive, we need each other and I want to be one of them to create opportunities for others. I want to extend my hand out to them. I want to learn and teach people how to take care of themselves and how to reach out to others.

…because I want to and this makes me feel good. I am a fighter and a terrible lover. I fight for my family, my friends and even strangers sometimes, but I am not a lady’s man, the lover to bring home to meet your parents or the friend you want messing up your social status. I work best behind curtains, anonymous.

Sometimes, I wish I can live eternal, but the idea saddens me that I will lose all those that I’ve had relations with – my family, my friends… Yet, I can do good for this world and I can develop a system where my life can just ‘turn off’ when the world no longer needs me.

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