Lost Meaning

Lost Meaning

As per my message to Spongey yesterday, all of my entries for the month of October will showcase an entry header picture of my Spore Creature Creations. This image here is of an ancient creature known scientifically as a Leemanis. It resembles a prehistoric cat that screeches like a chimpanzee. It can’t really fly though. Those wings allow it to leap off tall things and glide over safely.

For the month of November, I’ll be showcasing images from my journeys into Aion as an Asmodian and then December, I’ll be showing images from Eve as a Minmater Special Forces captain.

Anyway, since my last entry, apparently it was obvious that my simplified thoughts are being interpreted differently. When some of my friends asked me in the past, “Why don’t you share your thoughts with us?” I had a good reason not to. If I under-explain my thoughts, misinterpretation happens. If I over-explain my thoughts, people get confused. If I use certain words, some people may translate that as being ‘hurtful’ or ‘condescending’.

Basically, in my mind, I constantly see an infinite space of strings and strings that stem from those strings and more strings that stem from those strings and so on and so forth. All those strings connect to an infinite space of planes or as I referred them as “onion layers”. Onion layers make up the profile of a person – inside and outside, beyond and in-depth. Strings represent connections.

Now, below is a simplified animated diagram of my connections:

[flv:http://swollencheeks.com/original_blog/wp-content/uploads/_videos/leemanism_coreme.flv 480 480]

As you can see, there are three rings and three tiers of balls. In reality, there is an infinite ‘amount’ of rings and an infinite ‘amount’ of shades and connections with an infinite ‘amount’ of layers.

Starting from the outside, the grey balls represent common society, communities within communities, social protocol. The grey ring represents learned social protocol. This is my ‘surface’ connection to the outside world.

The dark green balls represent my social circles. They make up all of the people I connect with on a social level. Sometimes, a few of those people can relate to me and can through that relation, connect with me that others in that social tier usually cannot. However, because their relationship to me and their connection is more often than not, obstructed by their social protocols, they can never really stay ‘inside’ the consistently connective aspect which makes up the orange ring.

The green coloured balls represents my confidants that stays consistently connected with me. Sometimes, as you can see, they are able to penetrate into the thick blue ring. The thick blue ring represents my silence to the outside world. It also acts like a mirror. People who don’t want to connect with my core or do not know how to connect with my core, often see a reflection of themselves unaware and translate what they see as who I am. However, as you can see, some of those people are actually able to penetrate that blue ring. Those are the people that either know how to connect with me or they become aware of their own selves and instead of pushing away, they further pull themselves into the core of who I am.

If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes, bounce outside the orange ring and even the grey ring. This is their social connection with the outside world. They belong to communities of other people that set them into those social protocols.

Now, the last thing is the orange ball in the middle that is shrinking. Well, that’s me. Actually, the whole ring structure is me. The grey ring represents my connection to social protocol. However, as you’ve noticed, it is far from my core. The orange ring represents my comfort zone in being able to express myself to a certain degree. The thick blue ring represents the barrier between the physical and the metaphysical, or in other words, my inner-most thoughts and feelings.

The orange ball is shrinking as you can see. The reason for this is my separation of social protocol and my inner self. THIS IS THE PART that Tabbyman completely and utterly misinterpreted. The part speaking about cycling and whether my friends Jason and Patrick sometimes go with me on the rides explains two paragraphs up starting with “If you also have noticed, those green balls near the centre sometimes…” I was speaking about their connections with social protocol with their other friends and other communities.

/sigh

Now, I can explain each of those tiers in even more detail, but I think leaving it as this, is pretty clear. I just wish that my friends, those inside the orange ring would just understand sometimes, without getting into typing or reciting encyclopedias of information. My gosh. When was the last time I ACCUSED any of you of devalue or disconnection?? Hmmm? I ALWAYS take our connective history into perspective. Why did you think it took me so damn long to speak up to Albert? It wasn’t because I was afraid of him. It was simply because I was always considering his feelings and his own history of upbringing, hardships, heart breaks and etc, etc, etc. I would think that my friends by now, should be able to consider that my words mean more than what they seem and be able to put my history with those words together.

I.
Need.
A.
Beer.
Now.

5 Replies to “Lost Meaning”

  1. What is social protocol according to you? I don’t know what that really means.

    Hey Li, what do you want from life?

    ———————————-

    Hey,

    Honestly, I’m afraid of talking to you on a personal level now. Even over the phone, I now hesitate. I actually think twice when speaking to you. I just wanted to let you know that’s how I feel. It’s probably not what you want to hear man, but I have to put it out there cause you’re my friend and you ought to know what I’m feeling.

    Even though I want to try, perhaps it’s better that I stay out of that “ring” because let’s face it, I can’t even comprehend your thoughts.

    The mirror is such a great representation. Perhaps, I don’t really know myself, so how can I attempt to know others?

  2. I don’t understand how anything changed. You misread my last entry and now, you’re afraid of what exactly?

    Are you sure you’re not just afraid of my opinions? What would you rather do? Live a life without criticism? What does a life without criticism do to a person? What does a life without failure and risk do to a person?

    If you want to stay out of that ring, do whatever you want. I don’t know why you’re running away. To me, nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that now you’re running away from me.

    I never asked you OR ANYONE to understand me in-depth. All of my public blog entries since March 2006 that I allowed it online, has never asked any of my friends to try to understand me in-depth. All I had ever asked for is a confidant whom is able to connect with me beyond social protocols. That doesn’t mean I cannot be close to my friends as they are now.

    Therefore, I am quite mind boggled as to your actions and reactions. Would you expect that friendships, even ours that have known and been friends with over two decades, should automatically know each other in-depth? Hell no. That is the same with ALL relationships. You think that just because a guy and a girl come together as boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife will automatically know each other in-depth? That is a fantasy if ever anyone thought like that.

    When Albert and I were still friends, he thought of me as his brother and indeed, we talked about many things and shared many thoughts and feelings. I’ve seen him cried in person – heart breaking for me, and he’s seen me cried at one of my lowest points in life. However, even then, though we connected that way, we would never completely connect. How did we lose our friendship? It was definitely not because we didn’t know each other. It was simply because of our personalities.

    You say you’re afraid of speaking to me on a personal level? What? About your work and sometimes, about how you feel about where you want to go, what you want to do, amongst other things? Why would you be afraid of that? It doesn’t make any sense.

    What is the worst thing that can happen for you to tell me that? The worst thing that I can think of, is that my criticism may hurt your pride. That’s all there is to it. If you think it would do anything else, like upset me, you are very very wrong in that interpretation.

    The times I get upset about anyone to do with connection is when people blow up at me, accusing me of something I did not do.

    If you think that after our last ‘argument’ in my previous entry made me upset, it did. So what are you going to do? Run away and close up communication?

    Good job, because Albert doesn’t think open communication is the way to go to solve problems. If you think any relationship will work with the lack of communication, then again, only in a fantasy world would that ever happen.

    —–

    Trying to know oneself, means to try to know others. If you come to a dead end, you’re not just going to stop there and rot until you die. You’re going to turn around and find another way.

    Executive decisions means you have options, pick one and follow through accordingly. If you fail, pick yourself up and restart. That’s life.

  3. There is nothing I want from life. I believe life is a blank canvas for me to paint my journey on. Only I can make whatever my life is. I’ve said this before.

    Social protocol is the common standard in which individuals must adhere to, to fit into communities around us. In my last entry as well as this one, I think you’ve completely misread my meaning. There is NO negativity associated to how my friends connect with common society. It is a part of their psyche. I was speaking in relation to mine. Where I…

    I’ve explained this already here.

    =====

    Ultimately, you choose whatever you want and feel you need, but at this point in time, the only person that has changed is you. I have always felt this way, even since my high school days. I don’t see how anything has very suddenly changed, just because you think I need you or any of my close friends to really understand me, which I don’t and I never asked any of you to.

    I consider you guys and girl to be close to me. So unless you deliberately push me away for whatever mind boggling reasons, I’m pretty much here to stay.

    I mean Jason and Jon had read my comments here and they’re simply not phased. So I don’t understand why you should be. Also, it’s not because they are ‘on the same level as my thoughts’. No, it is simply because it should have ABSOLUTELY NO affect.

    So again, I am simply mind boggled as to your reactions. Please, educate me, because I need to know why you even feel this way.

    Let’s put it this way… The last time ANYONE even reacted the way you did corresponding my thoughts, in which they again, misread and misinterpreted was a girl a few years ago, before Cindy that liked me. So, since I am reminded of that, I am mind boggled as to why you would react this way. Now, I’m not saying you’re in love with me, but dude, though I think we’re pretty close, I don’t think I quite sway that way. ^o^

    =====

    Anyway, it’s actually very simple: I consider you guys and girl close because I feel that connection. There are either no or very little obstructions in that connection. If you don’t know me in-depth, it just means you don’t connect with those core layers. The same core layers that I have been building and fortifying since my childhood, before high school. I do not expect ANYONE to ever connect that deep with me. Indeed, I crave for that sort of connection, but it doesn’t mean that I cannot achieve parts of it with the people whom are in my life right now.

    I would never expect any of my friends to grasp the feelings I go through on a day to day basis, the weight on my shoulders, the lingering anxiety attacks and those moments I still have in those early mornings as I drift off into sleep, gripping my bedsheets, biting down hard on my teeth, almost in a fit of nightmares, sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night sweating like crazy. I would never expect anyone, any of my close friends to understand that.

    —–

    I’m frustrated right now because you’re doing something that is an oddity to me. It’s like you’re purposefully creating all these obstacles just because……….? Just because of…..?

    [sigh]

  4. Okay, let’s just stop this madness. I just threw a wrench in there. Sorry man, I should stop commenting cause we should talk in person instead. Okay honestly, I’m not really phased, I just felt like commenting cause I’m so bored staring at my computer! Communication through text sucks.

  5. Damn right! That’s what I always say!

    “Communication through text sucks.”

    Anyway, before you interrupted me with your response, I was actually in the middle of applying Vas… Erm, I mean, typing up a blog entry about cats, damn, no girls…

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