Long distance relationships do work

That is if you put the effort, time and energy into it. If you are the type of person who has little patience and little tolerance, then this isn’t your cup of tea. In my scenario, I would say I had to do what probably could be the most difficult and impossible thing that I see a lot of people fail to do. My lover on the other side of the world has had a very bad case of child abuse inflicted upon her for many years to this day affects how she functions in common society, in the workplace, with her family and with me. However, after more than three years of very heavy downs and a few ups and lots and lots and lots and lots of direct and indirect communicative methods, we got married.

This choice to get married went through many deliberations and considerations. I even asked some of my friends for advice, two of which had given me advice to leave her. Ultimately, as much as I enjoy their effort in trying to advise both of us to part ways due to varying reasons, the bottom line is that they are both outsiders and they are not intimate with the happenings and the reasons and the ‘this’ and ‘thats’ of the relationship. Only her and I truly know what is going on and in the end it was my temper and my straining of patience and tolerance that lead me down a path of what I perceived as misery and stress at the time. Alas, I have to say I am truly blessed by the natural procurement from the universe of the ability to filter out the fluff in my emotions and see clearly what really needed to be done and I am happy to say I am glad I stuck with her all this time, regardless of the hardships because in the end, I only needed to see it, understand it and accept it. She is the one who had to deal with it. The hardship was with her all along. I only felt the after-effects of it.

If you are like her and I, barely a penny to our names, then traveling is not an option anyone can do so freely. Only through the generosity of a common friend, that it was possible for me to fly 4800 miles to see her in person, twice, once in April 2012 and a second time in September 2013. In other words, only a bit over two weeks ago, I was in Germany with her.

So what one do? The usual if you haven’t thought about it yet:

1. Skype if you have a good internet connection. VSee if you have a low bandwidth connection.

2. Pick up the phone every now and then and dial the number. Calling from Canada to a German land line cost me $0.04 per minute. To a German mobile phone, it costs $0.25 per use and per minute thereafter.

3. SMS or Whatsapp.

4. Postal mail for love letters, poems, gifts, etc. I have sent her everything from brand new cameras, postcards, letters, stuffed toys and DVD’s.

CONSTANT CONTACT TIPS

1. Another important thing is that if you two are sexually open to each other, then give each other a show every now and then on Skype or VSee. If you both have good mobile service, then short videos over Whatsapp or SMS would be a nice prelude to a webcam chat later.

2. What my wife and I do is pick a day where we can watch a movie together. She would load her movie and I would load mine, the exact same movie and then she would count down from 3 and press play on 1. Afterward, we would discuss about the movie.

3. Other things we do is that we play common massive multiplayer games like World of Warcraft, Minecraft and Stronghold Kingdoms. It may take some time before you two find a common ground in what you both like to play. Try not to take offense if she doesn’t have the same taste as you.

You need to realize something. Although the premise of long distance relationships is the same as local relationships, in that you two need to be considerate of each others needs, the fundamental difference between the two is that you two may often find yourself being overly sensitive or not sensitive enough, then react based on that. In your quest to seek a stable commonality between the two of you, both of you need to adjust your way of thinking and perceiving things, then once you get a grasp of the situation, you must make an extension of your patience and tolerance available to adjust to what is needed and wanted by both people. In other words, you two need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and do what is necessary to achieve harmony between you two.

Of course, that is easier said than done. I have often times been on the more aggressive end and dished out a lot of cruel and unyielding rage which is the result of the lack of clear cut communication on her part. I have over the years slowly and consistently learned how to be a better lover and a friend. I am and will still be learning this as we go through life together. Often times I think it is not I that is tolerating and being patient with her, but the other way around. I am duly surprised that she would stay with me for so long and ultimately, get married. I do not need to thank her. All I need to do is continue to be a loving and supportive husband, friend, lover, companion.

I mentioned clear cut communication right? Yes I did indeed. At least with local relationships, you can get and give a hug, kiss and get kissed, see his and her reactions, body language, tone of her or his voice, etc. In a long distance relationship, even if you could hear each others voices, what you lack is the ability to perceive everything else accurately. Do you know why she’s behaving like a bitch today? Sure, you might have had a bad day, but it shouldn’t automatically mean she started it right? What do you know about her day? Maybe she woke up with a headache? Maybe she woke up too late and missed an appointment? Maybe she did something with her hair and you failed miserably to notice it?

In the end, to make all of this work, you need to communicate with each other openly, clearly and do not assume the worst case scenario. DO NOT ASSUME! Ask your questions. It is better to be informed, than make guesses because you were too proud to ask, fear of losing face and your dignity. Your face and dignity is an illusion that you want those around you to perceive you as. It’s a story made up in your mind to make you look great and glorious. Greatness and glory means very little in a romantic relationship with your lover half way around the world.

The learning process will never stop, even when she or he is finally living with you. You have to take the lessons you learned and saw while you two were apart into the relationship now that you two are together. What you two went through at a distance would have made your relationship stronger and by the time you two live together, whatever you two build on top is just an extension of that love.

Long distance relationships do work, if you have the will for it.

6 thoughts on “Long distance relationships do work

  1. Andrew A. Sailer

    I simply want to mention I am newbie to blogging and site-building and seriously enjoyed you’re web-site. Probably I’m want to bookmark your website . You definitely come with impressive stories. Thanks a lot for sharing your blog site.

  2. Michelle

    Congratulations !!!!! It’s about bloody time you dived in and grabbed the bull by the horns…..commitment is important in a relationship and with WILL you guys will make it work :)

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