Missing Her Plenty

It has been only 1.5 days. I miss her a lot, but I’m not nearly as devastated as I was back in mid April 2005. This time, the difference being I am/was sick and tired of the way she treated me. The thing is I came to work today, and aside from missing her, I feel exactly the same. I am still lonely, alone, and blah.

Last night after my meeting, I went over to Dragon-In-The-Sky’s place, then he drove us to Richmond. We walked around a residential area near Alderbridge Way and #4 Road. I spilled my thoughts to him, but I wasn’t radical, nor was I expressing anger and sadness. The most negative thing I felt last night was that I really missed Doggy Meow – past tense. Today, I still miss her, but the day went on as with all the other days when we were still together.

Yesterday, while I chatted with Dragon-In-The-Sky (DitS), I noticed Doggy Meow (DW) was still logged in the MSN Messenger from the previous night. About two hours later, I noticed she logged off, but in reality, after I checked who has added me to their list, I realized she deleted and blocked me. Afterwards, I did the same. Only difference was she still has her other account, which she most likely forgot about. However, I left her account on my list. I deleted it at first, but added her back – just for sentimental sakes – an apparition of her.

Today, I told DitS that I feel as though I abandoned her. Though she treated me poorly, I questioned “Would it be justifiable to do the same back to her?” Alas, though DitS said the following to me, honestly, I cannot bring myself to be bad to her…

–>

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
basically, i feel like i’ve abandoned her, for example, the STP, all her friends/colleagues that are doing it already have partners, and they are all good cyclists, she’s the only one who can’t, ride as well nor as fast she knew, i was going to ride with her, even if that meant slowing me down considerably, now that i am out, she is probably a bit worried that she won’t be able to do it, however, i believe in her abilities – she might not be able to go fast, but with some encouragement, i think she can do it, alas, it feels like i abandoned her, i don’t want to but should i?

DitS says:
for your long-term well-being, no, unless you want to re-enter that situation with her, because as soon as you do, that’s all that’s needed, and you’ll be back where you started and maybe worse off b/c of the initial separation

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
then can i get someone… hmmm, thinking

DitS says:
i wouldn’t bother yourself with this, you’re going out of your way for her when she wasn’t even there for you when you needed her and instead went clubbing, dim sum and other trivial shit

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
but that’s like my relationship with my brother… if you’re wondering, i’m trying to degrade my emotions by pulling things up

DitS says:
your brother is blood related and that cannot be changed, Doggy Meow is far from being your wife

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
wel yes of course

DitS says:
there may be positives with her, but the fundamentals are completely mising

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
but what i was getting at, was if something strikes me with a knife, i may defend, but would it be dishonorable of me to strike back? i see her as a lost wanderer, and though she broke my heart, i can’t help but feel that it’s breaking my heart to see her do stuff, maybe that’s the problem, is that i am too ‘martyred’ on that idea, [sigh]

DitS says:
if you do anything like this for her at this point, she won’t be able to take you seriously

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
i know she’s a ‘grown woman’, and she can take care of herself, but it feels like i’m abandoning her, though she had done to me, i don’t find it a justifiable, yes yes, you’re right, you’re right, i know iknow, i’m just being emotional

DitS says:
i don’t think you’re abandoning her

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
my logic and reasoning is battling with my reasoning and emotion

DitS says:
because she was never on that ship with you, if you really think about it…she never even made it to the dock, so, you’re abandoning an empty ship that you filled with her apparition, im speaking in terms of emotion

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
sounds familiar

DitS says:
yes, but that’s how i think it is, because she really was not there, it’d be easier to help you if all of us were here and on vacation, you me gasman and fifa boy, then we could go hiking or something and try to take your mind off of this

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
8] ideally

DitS says:
otherwise, you’ll likely go back little by little

AMT – If U Need Me, I’ll Be Here says:
alas, you have casb, doom3, apartment, and work, Gasman is in ottawa, Fifa Boy is married to Irritating Woman’s boobies, and i dont mind hanging with Ms. Taiwan and Leung too

<–

So what now? Ah the same old question from Destiny and from Amaranthine. Maybe not Amaranthine. Re-focussing my goals, and readjusting my visions – but without her in my life, I feel a little lost. Not lost in the sense that I don’t know what to do with my life, but lost in the way where I feel like I am missing a focal point. With Doggy Meow in my life, when through good and bad times, my goals stayed the same – to be good to her, to provide security, to work towards giving us grounds to work with.

I just wanted her to be happy, and I admit I did spoil her (a bit too much?), but I can’t help treating her good. I scolded her when I was angry, and whatever pain she caused me, but at the same time, I treated her with equality.

Last night DitS said to me while we walked around something along these lines, “I wish you actually liked those other girls. They seemed more suitable for you. I wish you didn’t poisoned their minds, and played with them as victims.” Etc, etc, etc. I confessed to him afterwards that I felt ashamed, even many years later I feel ashamed. That is one of the reasons why my expressive foreground has been so nice to Doggy Meow. I fell in love with DW, and my actions spoke my emotions.

Mind you, I constantly fought with my logical wise-old-men, and the demons that rage inside. My heart took quite a beating, but well, it really doesn’t matter anymore.

Today and yesterday, I thought about her, and I truly do miss her, and there has been so many times I wanted to text her, email her, call her, and even show up at her door with her white fleece jacket. Alas, I did not. My willpower is holding me back, keeping me in place.

Yesterday morning as I was readying for work, I opened the closet, took the sleeve of her fleece jacket and breathed in the aroma left of her from the jacket. It smells like her, and I closed my eyes briefly for a ‘taste’ of her beside me. That’s how much I miss her.

I just can’t help but feel like I am abandoning her. “Don’t do upon others what you don’t want others to do upon you.” Yes, Doggy Meow had treated me poorly, hot and cold, and borderline immoral, but I am in love with her. Unlike her, I do NOT think I am in love with her. I AM in love with her.

Alas, only way a relationship may truly work is for both parties to love each other. I will not try to ‘force’ her to love me – I can’t, it’s not doable. Even if I can, I won’t. It has to be natural. All this time, she had thought she wanted to care about me, but never consistently did she feel she wanted to care for me.

(another two hours later)

Recently, she met a guy named Nelson, 2 years older than her, who by fluke went to play at Brit at the night of our break-up. In our conversation, I was questioning her – was he good looking, any chance for a future, etc – but in a semi-playful way. She answered me back by saying why was I questioning her like that – as if my questions were silly. Anyway, I have a feeling that they may come together in the near future. Since she chose a stranger to go out to a 1.5 hour snack after vball, rather than go home at 10pm to talk to me about my email that I sent her a couple of days previous. She did say she would the night previous, but she chose to go out with that guy instead.

We weren’t going to talk about my email, as she didn’t want to. I had to pry it out of her why, and she basically hinted that she can recognize what she had done was wrong. I furthered that by saying that “because you know you won’t change, thus talking about it is pointless”. She agreed, and that was how everything started pretty much.

In many ways, I regret initiating what would have simply been brushed aside, but it bothered me a lot. Especially about the whole HK 2007 thing. She told me why I continue to dwell on it, and I explained to her a reverse situation:

If a year ago, she made plans with me to go exploring a place she’s gone to before, where she had a lot of good experiences, and wished to share with me my first time exploring a place like that. She told me she would show me places, tell me her emotions and why she feels like that, etc, etc. She would take me to go sample wine and food, go to events, meet some of her new friends, there, and tell me her fantasies, dreams, and goals. She wanted to take me there to experience that world with her. We made plans and everything was good. However, a year later, she asks me again, and this time, I told her that I will be going with my friends instead, and she is welcome to join us.

<——

That was the thing I said to her. I asked her, “How would you feel if you planned a trip with me a year ago, with hopes and dreams of exploring that place with me, but when you ask me a year later, I ‘forgot’ about our plans and go with my friends? What made it even worst was that she ‘invited’ me to go with her and her friends.

She doesn’t understand. She thought that it was a simple problem. She thought that it would be more fun to go in a group. I told her that this wasn’t the issue – not remotely close to the problem. I told her that she can invite a hundred people, her family, my friends – I don’t care. She can invite anyone! What pissed me off, frustrated me, disheartened me, and saddened me was that she forfeited me to go with her friends, then had the nerve to invite me!!!

I initiated this break up again – 11 days after another one I tried to initiate. This one, was my final time. Since we first dated in December 18th 2004, all the way to today, we’ve broken up on April 12th 2005 (she initiated it), July 20th (she tried to but I gave her a good scolding), August 18th 2005 (I initiated it), August 27th 2005 (I initiated it), March 10th 2006 (I initiated it), and March 22nd 2006 (I initiated it) – a total of 5 official ones in a period of 15 months since we dated.

I still love you Doggy Meow. Alas, it cannot be. Doggy Meow Meow… Doggy Meow Meow… Doggy Meow Meow… :sad:

Last night, I went to bed at 12:45am. I woke up a few times, with dreams about skeletons and demons. I also dreamt Doggy Meow was lost in the darkness, with demons and other monsters hunting her. I wanted to rescue her, I wanted to go back for her. I woke up so many times, every time, more and more sweatier until I took off my top, went downstairs to get something to drink, and went back to bed. When I woke up for work, I thought that my dreams are trying to tell me to go find her again, and try to reconcile things.

The entire day, I fought my emotions, and Dragon in the Sky persuaded me to not contact her. It was difficult. I can’t help but feel I am abandoning her, despite what DitS told me. My dreams had always been very intuitive. Am I making a mistake by breaking up with her?

[sigh]

Logically, I am sure she’ll be able to make it on her own. I am sure she can finally go fuck around and do her own thing, but damn it, DAMN IT! She was my temple, and now some other guy(s) will invade that temple. I know it’s a pride thing, but it is also an emotional and semi-spiritual thing as well. I lost her. I just have to believe I lost her. Time will close my wounds, though scars will always be there.

Doggy Meow Meow, I miss you so much, and I will continue to miss you for a long time. DitS wished I had the time to hang out with more people, but considering my work schedule and my tiredness, etc, I don’t have that chance.

I repeated to DitS what I told him a few years ago, exactly what Doggy Meow told her ex last year. that the older we get, the harder it is to fall in love again. Alas, it wasn’t that hard for me to fall in love with her. I did so much for her, but I knew that by just doing, it wasn’t enough. The feeling for her wasn’t there. It’s just that, I don’t want to go through the foundation parts of my life alone. I wanted and yearned to share my building parts with Doggy Meow. I wanted her to be with me through thick and thin, through hardships and success, poor and wealth. Alas, her heart is no where close to me. I felt lonely when she was with me, and now that we’re apart, that loneliness has not changed – it did not grow or lessen – it’s the same feeling. The only other negative thing I am feeling is that i don’t want to let her go, don’t want to abandon her, I want to keep all or most of my promises to her, I want her to be a part of my life from now until death do us part. I want her in my life, as I wish she wanted me in her’s.

Am I really that disgusting, and did she really detest me that much, to choose not to care about me, consider me, love me?

6:35pm

[Playing “Water Shows The Hidden Heart” by Enya]

One thought on “Missing Her Plenty

  1. Spongey

    Awww, Li. I’m here obsessively checking your site for updates but I’m also around cyberspace if you need me. Praying for you too. *hugz* I’m coming back in August!

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