No motivation

No motivation

Of course, everyone has their down days. Those who work on a routine 9-5 or even a sporadic part time job has someone to constantly keep them in check, at least in theory. Some people can get away slacking off and still get paid their wages. As a freelancer officially, I find that I am quite burnt out from my web development career. While it’s interesting to learn new things and experiment on them, the initiation of building a web site from bottom up is a pain in the ass to start. I create web sites mainly because it’s the easiest to acquire money and it’s the thing I’ve been doing for over a decade. However, it’s not the thing I want to do.

I want to create from my mind driven by passion. I was there once a long time ago. I was able to spend my entire waking day and part of the night to accomplish the things I wanted, for the sole purpose of seeing my visions completed. I wanted to see them in their finished state in all of their glories. My mind was once a beautiful place. With the help of technical skills and creative know-how, I was able to apply my mind into a rendered world. I had a passion to create music, a passion to write short stories and a passion to create environments.

So now I am stuck here working on four different projects, one of which is nearly completed on my part, one which just started, another barely started and another I need to update to the newest stuff by tomorrow evening, so I can get paid in the near future to pay bills.

I fantasize about exploring my game development programs such as Scirra Construct 2 which I was an early adopter a long time ago or SMILES Game Builder which seems very interesting. I know if I want to get things done, I need to do them myself. However, I am over stretched, over stressed, over strained. An impossible task, surrendered to the realities of financial burdens and relative peace. It has caused me to lose interest in many things, including connecting with my friends and family members. While I constantly think about them, I don’t do anything about it. I simply don’t feel like doing anything in particular. There is a huge part of me that has given up on life, just living for the sake of paying the bills and hope for the best. I feel like a husk of what I used to be. As if I spent most of my personal energy too fast in too short of a time and now I am just a nearly empty shell.

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