Not there when I should be

In the past, when I was with Cindy, she told me that I wasn’t there with her when her mom was in the hospital. That was back in the beginning of 2005. This one stuck with me since then. Recently, my wife told me she wished I was at the funeral with her when her family attended a funeral for her aunt’s daughter, whom died from a miscarriage. That made me feel very down because I should have been there and it reminded me of what Cindy told me.

In my mind, sometimes, I imagine if my mom or my wife would be blinded somehow and they aimlessly wander around, with their arms extended, walking around, bumping into things. Just alone and no one to help them, terrified. It breaks my heart to have that thought in my head and it makes me feel so useless.

Recently, I saw a video on Youtube of the dance group named Attraction and during a semi-final on Great Britain’s Got Talent, they performed one about a guy growing up with the love of his mother, then later, the love of his wife. At the end of that show, the mom was on a hospital bed whom the son picked up and she died in his arms. It ended well with the wife showing up being pregnant.

All these things melded together and I could not stop thinking about how useless I am. It is not just the thought of either my mom or my wife being blinded and terrified, aimlessly walking around alone, but the fact that I should be able to take care of them. I am my mother’s son and I am the husband of my wife. When I want something completely, then it becomes a need. I want to take care of them. I need to.

When my mom is not tall enough to get something from the upper shelf, I will be there for her. When her back is aching, I will vacuum, do the dishes, the laundry, sweep the floor, clean up. If she needs someone to drive her to the store, then I will. Heck, even if she doesn’t need it, I will. It’s the same with my wife. When she wakes up to nightmares or a bad sleep, I will be there to fix her up some tea or coffee. When she comes home from a day of work, I will be there to pamper her. When she wants to relax, I’ll get her a new book to read, some hot drink and turn some music on in the background she likes. I will make sure in her transition in moving here to be with me, the whole thing is as smooth as possible and will make sure to keep her connected to her family back in Germany as much as possible.

Displaced, not misplaced.

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