Numbling Indifferently

Tune: “Change” by Deftones
Drink: Bombay Sapphire
Mood: Reflective

[audio:d_change.mp3]

One of my favorite songs.

Dry gin straight tastes way better by itself. I feel a tad bit sad that I’ve already drank more than half a bottle in just over a month. I have my brother to thank for introducing me to it. I’ve had gin before and had bad experiences, but this is quite good.

I remember I used to listen to this song quite a lot when I felt really down. Mind you, I drank wine back then. None of this hard liquor. Though I did remember that I said I will never touch hard liquor again, yet here I am, drinking sips of it.

I went from being super patient to being selectively impatient. It’s too bad.

I used to drive out somewhere at night for an hour or two and park somewhere and listen to emotion/thought-inducing music such as this one. Those were really great nights.

I once drove to Granville Island, parked somewhere that overlooked the creek and towards Concord Pacific. I had my laptop and typed my journals away. Those were my nights, alone with my own thoughts and emotions.

I really want to say I miss those nights and I kind of do, but what I really want to say is that I really wish I still miss those feelings, but I don’t. It’s not that I am ‘better’ now. It simply is that I don’t care. I simply and utterly do not care.

I told Amber this not that long ago, that as I age, I become more and more indifferent towards everything. I believe it is because for years, I tried my best to for others and ultimately… I ultimately feel that I was only trying my best to slow down the inevitable.

I want to care. I do, but there is zero motivation. I almost constantly think about all the great and bad times, the times when he or she was sad and depressed or he or she was in need or he or she just wanted company. I tried my best to get people together, but in the end, I quit.

So as my emotional core deteriorates, I gather what is left and refocus that sector of my being into one person. I’m being much more selfish these days than I used to be. However, even then, I cannot let go of my relationships with various people, because in my memories, they were important to me and concurrently, the logical aspect just simply doesn’t care and it’s battling a lazy war with the aspect that is holding onto those memories.

What can motivate me again? When someone else tries as hard as I did and for years. So far, no one comes even close.

Of course, that is my problem. I don’t expect ever, that others do what I did or even reciprocate. Being appreciated is nice. I don’t those any more, well, except from my mom who is almost constantly appreciative of my efforts to be… Yes.

I need to go to bed, but I have so much to say and still half a shot of gin left in my cup and this song is so beautiful. Ah, if only I was younger, did not have work and stayed up 24 hours, typing away in my car, listening to music parked somewhere at night with a nice view.

Or maybe, I just need a hug that I refuse to accept.

Tune: “Minerva” by Deftones

[audio:Minerva.mp3]

I don’t particularly like the lyrics, but Deftones is a mixture of spiritual philosophies and the instruments of this song is absolutely gorgeous. Ah it’s 2005 all over again.

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