Outside, Peering in

There are certain feelings I will never have back. It is not a matter of trying.

Lately, I’ve been spending quite some time with one of my friends. I’ve noticed that we have some similarities as well as vast differences. For example, similarities would be how we both find satisfaction in knowing/seeing others gain a certain personal upgrade or achievement. Vast differences being that he is socially connected and I being socially disconnected. However, with that being said, like me, he is aware that we do not particularly want to belong to any particular clique. Furthering that though, I don’t belong to any particular cliques, but he does by phasing in and out of them.

He has social protocol that he stands by, where as the only social protocol I care about are those related to those immediate to me. The concept of “common courtesy” is a new ideal for me, when it comes to ‘protecting’ oneself from allowing others to find out whom they ‘really’ are, though what he really is compared to what he shows to the bulk isn’t really that different. It’s a matter of hiding certain shades.

To me, I rarely hid any of my shades. I simply either did not show myself at all because I don’t give a rat’s ass or I showed myself because I don’t give a rat’s ass. Indeed, I won’t tell certain people, certain things, but there is no point in the first place unless someone asks me. If they don’t ask, why would I volunteer that information, unless under my whimsical impulse, I do.

I also relatively recently became aware of the concept of social paranoia first hand. Indeed, I am protective of my family’s safety, but at the same time, I am honest with myself enough. People see me in a filtered way because they cannot and refuse to accept to see me the way I am unfiltered. For me, it is not difficult at all when reading people, because the masks they wear are very transparent. It is when someone is honest with me, that their expressions may delude me, because it is then, that there is nothing more to read, but their true-selves. In their true-form, people don’t need to be read. They just ‘need’ to be understood.

Which comes to this point: no one ever needs to read me, but most people do. Therefore, they will never see past their own paranoia to really get to know me and eventually, even understand me.

Tonight, I have given up on all of my online-dating/confidant web site accounts. I cannot deal with the world as it stands, because of the close-mindedness of so many people, set in their conservative traditional ways, fundamental religious ways and over-exaggerated ‘wit’ and paranoia. I feel both relief and disgust, that I retreat away from such grotesque mindsets. It is no wonder that humanity cannot possibly exceed its own level as it stands now. There is simply no unity. No unity equates to no progression.

With that said and out of the way, I now command you all to worship me by making vast amounts of fig, carrot and beef soup in giant coliseum-sized cauldrons shaped like cat heads, served on kitty bowls.

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