Quiet Mourning

Quiet Mourning

Well my G-Ma passed away last morning. No one was ever close to her, but she was someone I admired and respected due to the hardships of raising 7 kids on her own during the 1940’s to 1970’s. I am glad my mom saw her just a little over a month ago and got spend some time together.

For so long, I worried that my mom wouldn’t be able to take it, considering how she normally is, but at the end, she ‘shrugged’ it off saying it’s sad, but decades has passed and life gets tiring for the old. It’s an inevitable scenario. I was also fine for the entire day, save the anger I had towards my Christian family members who are trying to give her a Christian burial, then my friend Laura asked if it was possible that she SUDDENLY became a Christian in 2012 after all these years. That is like me asking her if it’s 99% likely she will ditch her faith and become a Sikh by next January. However, I calmed down, removed my FB posts and apologized. I reacted too fast without thinking where she is coming from.

Then a few moments ago, I was in the game Minecraft after having a short Skype conference with Benny and Selwyn about a possible hacker on our client’s server. I went over one of my smaller floating islands and created a ‘grave’ for her. I used redstone torches to signify the red candles they normally use at grave sites and a pot of yellow flower. Then pulled out the tall grass around it to clean it up. I know it’s silly, but then suddenly, my eyes started watering and then waterfalls of tears spewed out. Couldn’t stop it.

I guess this goes back to a blog entry I posted up some years ago probably in 2006 or 2007 about my parents. In the past, sometimes I wondered how I would deal with the death of my parents. Will I be ‘fine’ until everyone is gone, when I can finally mourn quietly to myself like right now?

You know what? I’m so used to this, yet, it can get a bit hard at times. To cry silently, letting the tears roll down my face, down my chin and neck and into my shirt, while I hold back any sounds. It’s hard to swallow, as if when I swallow, my heart is being pulled at.

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