Sex & Love

5:40pm

[“Smile” by Olive]

Awhile ago, I made a post in a thread at DearCupid.org called “Why do married men look at porn?” I defended why men look at porn, but as I was making my points across to a woman who was aggressively against porn of all forms, whom also made very judgmental criticisms of me as a person, I also pondered on the legitimacy of my defenses. Then recently, I posted up another comment that supports a pro-relationship building ideal rather than just defend a man/woman who likes to watch porn during a relationship:

Original link HERE

Actually, I gave it some further thought over the last few weeks. I’ll comment about this subject in an objective PoV…

It makes sense that a guy shouldn’t ‘need’ to look at porn if he is with someone. That someone should complete him, or at the very least, compliment him and vice versa. Unfortunately, many relationships on this planet aren’t ‘perfect’. That’s what makes us all human – with these swirling emotions of passion, desire, yearning, temptations, and such.

Aside from the points that Ms. Anti-Porn made about the degradation of women in porn, I think being single and watching porn is fine. I still support tasteful porn – eg: Playboy, Hustler, 88 Square, etc. Being in an intimate relationship – if both partners accept it and benefit from it one way or another on a mutual basis, then that is whatever they accept as partners. That’s good too.

However, if a man or a woman is already in a relationship, then possibly, for whatever reason, maybe it’s not too considerate for a guy to look at porn in the first place, even if she accepts it. Unless of course, there is some form of further encouragement, as I know some females and males do that.

In principle, I think it *can* be wrong for a guy to look at porn while in a deeper relationship, but I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely right to say a guy cheats because he looks at porn. I think this still depends on how he uses that porn. Just as an alcoholic would use booze to fill up his life, a porn addict would look at porn to fill up his. I think rather for him or her to drink his/her life away or abuse his/her partner’s emotions (depending) continuously, maybe s/he should work on trying improve on the relationship instead. If not, break-up. S/he can either find someone better, or maybe that may teach you to be a better lover if given the chance to be better in the future.

I understand why men and women look at porn during a relationship, but I guess it’s inexcusable to do so. As with most of my suggestions for other topics, I advise you all to keep an open communication with your loved ones. If you feel your love is waivering, maybe you need to sit down – just the two of you and talk things through. Maybe even brainstorm some ideas to make the relationship work. If things are difficult, you can always go to friends and family, and even here at DearCupid.org.

If things really don’t work out, it’s time to save each other further heart-breaks and just call it all off. If you have children to think about, maybe you should all stop whatever family-destroying issues and work on the good of the family. Our children mainly follow by example. Give them something look up to, rather than sit on your asses and play video games, jerk off to porn, and eat snacks and drink booze in front of the small screen. If you’re a dad or a mom, take your children outside, show them what life and the world is about. Show them the choices they may face and have.

However, because we are all human with emotions of lust and desires, temptations that drive us to want and go for things, we will all still continue to have tidbits of needs that our partners may not be able to give us. We all get old, wrinkly, and our physiques will drop. Some people will argue that we choose to fall in love with the people who we are with, and that is true to a degree, but that doesn’t mean our sexual urges will always stay the same over time. Some people can argue that sex and love is the same thing, but I beg to differ. Sex and love work hand in hand, for sure, it is an awesome connection and communication medium between two lovers, but sex can exist on its own, and love to some people, can exist by itself as well.

A man or a woman who looks at porn during a relationship can still love his/her partner greatly. It just means that there are things missing in that relationship that the man or the woman can find elsewhere. However, I do agree that there can be an addiction to porn, just as an addiction to alcohol.

To those relationships that are mutual beneficial in observing porn, I suggest to remember that everything should be taken in moderation for a healthy lifestyle to continue. If you think about long term, maybe you can ask your gf or your bf to make porn with you – make lots of it, then when you all get older, you can watch them either by yourself or together. Watching together may bring up certain emotions again and give your sex life a boost. Watching by yourself, you will never have to feel guilty while you jerk off or finger yourself watching your partner on the screen or in print.

The thing is, so long as we’re all human, we will still continue to look at others. Magazines of models, posters at the movie theatre, billboards selling tampons or tanning solutions, video games depicting scantily clad males and females, pedestrians on the street of all ages and sizes – so long as these things exist in our lives, we will continue to be tempted by external factors, urged by our internal core desires.

We are all animals – raw animals that so happens to be born into a governed society of thoughts and different intertwining moral standards.

5:53pm

8 thoughts on “Sex & Love

  1. Samurai

    “We are all animals – raw animals that so happens to be born into a governed society of thoughts and different intertwining moral standards.”

    Says it all, dude.

  2. Ariel

    When we fall in love with someone we assume they have the same ideals as we do or we blind ourselves purposely so we can’t see thier faults. Then the day comes when our sight suddenly appears and its too late. 9/10 times these porn related problems have two sides to them and porn is not the main problem its a catalyst. In the end it all boils down to communication.

  3. Fong Pei

    its pretty simple IMO….a lot of people, whether they are single or in a relationshp, watch porn to because they want to experience fantasies that they would never do in reality….there are a lot of things we desire, but would never act upon….porn fills this gap. Its the same idea as dreaming about that exotic sports car….you may never buy it because of insurance, cost, inconvenience, etc etc but you still desire it. I still pick that car first in Gran Turismo (a video game) and dream about me driving it in real life. Same idea…just different aspects of life, and unfortunately in terms of sexuality, the world’s views are pretty conservative.

    Couples who watch it together are usually looking for an extra spark or new ideas to enhance their sex life. there is nothing wrong with that….its the same idea as going to a sex therapist or buying a book that has new sex positions. Porn, in this case, is just a video book.

  4. Li

    Yeah that’s what I tried to explain to Ms. Anti-Porn stalker… For some reason, I imagined her to be one of the existing aunts there just being anon… [sigh]

  5. Ariel

    I thought the exact same thing,but you gave Ms Anti-Porn a run for her money(I thought it was brilliant).We don’t think its a problem because we don’t have a problem with it.Imagine sneeking a peek every time you want to watch porn.Why can’t they just use it for fantacy or learn something.No because they watch the wrong type of porn.The porn stars do it because they want to,Its hard work being a porn star.Imagine having to cum when someone says so.For a women its much easier.But they also have to always look good,they can’t eat what they want,their muff always has to look good,makeup takes hours,hair extentions cost the earth ect.Ms Anti Porn(yawn,yawn) works with stats all day and I think she used porn to escape from her marriage.(My opinion,lets hope she does not track this comment down)

  6. Leeman

    I would like to give an update on this matter. I read a very recent post made by a member named “A Man”. He said in that link to the original thread:

    —>

    To Original Poster.

    Please ignore most the responses by the women. Trust me when I tell you that a judgmental, self-righteous attitude will only drive your husband further away. That is not what you want. Women (especially close-minded ones) don’t understand men. Least of all do they understand their sexual desires. Seeing as how you wanted a mans opinion, I highly suggest you ignore all the female comments.

    Most the men have it right. Married men usually first turn to porn because they don’t feel loved. They don’t feel like their wife is taking care of them the way they need to be taken care of. Men associate affectionate, willing sex as an expression of love. One of the most important and fulfilling type of expressions you can give a man.

    Judging us for this is an automatic turn-off to sex and love. We need to feel that you understand our need for these desires to be fulfilled. We need to feel that you don’t look down on us for needing it. Some women say that we don’t “need” it, but I assure you it as important to our happiness as food and water. And there is nothing wrong or “perverted” about this. Its how we feel warm and fulfilled toward love. This is how we are built. And it’s a good thing it is there, because no matter how you look at it (God , Evolution, etc.), it is the driving force to the propagation of our species.

    So why don’t men go to their wives to fulfill these desires? Because they feel they can’t. Maybe you unintentionally belittle him. Maybe they feel emasculated by you. Maybe you nag or criticize him. Maybe you make him feel like his desires are a nuisance to you. If you respond to his desires like it’s a chore, he’ll definitely notice. I know many men who watch porn when their wives are sleeping, because they don’t want to wake them. Most men know that porn is wrong. Most men know that it is a poor substitute for a wife. But they find it’s an outlet for their desires when they are ‘chained’ to an unavailable wife. Maybe you feel like your being available when your actually not. Maybe your refusing to do some things (fulfilling his fantasies), or rejecting him from time to time.

    So first thing to do is talk to your husband. Let him know that even though he has this problem, you still love him and you don’t judge him for it. Let him know that you are there to help him out in ANY way you can to help him overcome this. Tell him that even if you don’t understand why he needs it, you understand that many good men have the same problem. Telling him that its degrading to women and that its wrong will not likely sway him. Not because he’s a bad person, but because by saying these things you communicate to him loud and clear that you don’t understand his problem.

    Ask him if he feels you nag ,criticize, or belittle him. Ask him if he feels you are unavailable to him. Ask if he feels you somehow make him not feel like a man. Ask him if he sometimes feels like he’s trapped with an unresponsive wife. Then tell him that you did not mean to hurt him in these ways, and that you promise to stop doing these things. Let him know that you are always available for him.

    Tell him that when he is feeling tempted by porn, to immediately come to you, so you can help him release his desires. At first this will seem like it happens very often and at the most inopportune times. Its grown into such a huge thing because he feels like a trapped tiger, only getting more hungry in the cage. But once you’ve proven to him that you are always available, he will feel free, he will feel fulfilled. Once he starts to feel this way, the frequency should slow down considerably to a manageable pace and he will be happy with you and his marriage.

    We men have trouble talking about our feelings. Especially to our wives. We want to feel like a strong man. We don’t want our wives to think we are weaklings that have sensitive feelings, or if you think men needing sex is bad or “pathetic”. We want to solve our problems ourselves. If we need a sexual outlet, we will try to find another way ourselves. The last thing we want to do is admit to our wives what we really need from them. Because that would make us look weak or pathetic (the way we look at it anyway). In fact, the only reason I’m talking so candid right now is because I know that none of you people will ever know me :)

    Let him know that you don’t think he’s weak just because you hurt his feelings. Everyone has feelings. Let him know that you now understand that all men need these desires fulfilled in order to be happy in a marriage. Let him know your willing to do it. Be enthusiastic about it. If you let him know that you don’t judge him for having these desires, or that having feelings doesn’t make him seem less manly to you, he should open up.

    Be uplifting and encouraging at all times. Do NOT criticize or put-down.

    I know that this is a lot to ask of you, but I know it will help him overcome his addiction, and help save your marriage. I hope you feel your marriage, and your husband are worth this big step.

    The best of wishes to you,

    A Man

    <—

    I think that pretty much sums it up.

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