Shallow Life

4:27am

Tune: “I Do” by Ilaria Graziano
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port

[audio:i-do.mp3]

On Friday, I bought two bottles of Port. The first one is Taylor Fladgate Special Reserve and the other, Fonseca Bin 27 Port. As I age, I’ve noticed that my preference in Port has also ‘aged’.

I heard this song from Ghost In The Shell SAC2. It’s a good tune, fitting for the story of that particular episode. Whenever I think about that episode, I think that I am in the ‘wrong’ time. With my philosophical visions, I should belong in a time when… [grins] It doesn’t matter really.

I was thinking as I poured myself a glass of this fine Port about what someone said to me last year, that my parents shouldn’t put pressure on my life and get themselves independently away from me. In other words, so I can have my own life. However, the last decade leading up to this point, what she said was easily answered in my thoughts almost immediately.

It would be nice to have that extra $2000 per month in my savings or pocketed. I can move out, buy my own car, start doing some of the things I really want to do like travel to Japan and ride from the North to the South with Pat, or maybe gather a group of friends and travel around the world for a month or two. I can then live the life I’ve ‘always’ wanted, experience the things I’ve always desired.

It’s nice to wonder about what could have been – sometimes.

However, my thoughts throughout the last decade pretty much sums it up. You see, my parents never kicked me out of the house when I turned 18. They aren’t the stereotypical Canadianized family. My mom has always wanted her sons to keep in touch with her and see mom and dad every weekend. My mom rather cook and clean for us, then for us to leave and rarely come back. Even if my mom can get annoyed with my brother and myself’s lifestyles, she always puts us first. That’s not saying that my dad doesn’t do the same. He just does it in his own special way.

A few years ago, my mom and I woke up really early in the morning, or rather, she woke up really early and I haven’t gone to bed yet. Outside was covered with fresh snow – lots of it. We went out and build a healthy looking snow person. As we finished, I told her that it’s done and we should go back in. Guess what my mom said? In Cantonese, she said, “It’s cold. Go back inside first. I want to put more snow at its feet so it won’t fall over. I want it to look healthy.”

I smiled and replied, “It’s not that cold. I’ll help.”

I remember I told this to Jessica and she said she wished her mom would say and do the same thing. This was symbolic of her own life, and that got me thinking.

Occasionally, I lose my patience my with parents, especially with my dad. I would teach him how to use his email and how to play stocks online for roughly 20 to 30 times, but he always forgets. My mom asks me to be more patient, but sometimes, I really lose it. I don’t go all out aggressive, but I do scold him a bit. Every time he asks me for help, I know he doesn’t want to trouble me and he doesn’t want me to lose my patience again, so I make a super effort in trying to stay calm.

Back at DC, Irish and some other person mentioned that those who are mommy’s boys don’t make good husbands. Well like I said, I’m not your stereotypical momma’s boy, but I won’t deny that I am my momma’s boy. In that sense, I have my own principles and logic and would stand my ground as I see it, but I will never ditch my parents for any reason.

So it has come to this point in my life and a couple of nights ago, it dawned on me and depressed me that I am really stuck here.

When I was 18, I really wanted to learn motorcycle racing and get a class 6. I wanted to so badly. So I settled with the next ‘best’ thing: cycling. I think the bike/car accident back in 1994 changed me, and the events of 1999 to 2001 upgraded me, but now I’m stuck here. Stuck at this point.

My mom always says to me nowadays every time I give her money, “Do you have enough?” And my dad would say, “You’re at an age where you should save some for yourself.” and my mom would continue “We are fine. Your dad has been making a lot in his stocks. You should take more and give us less.”

The ‘problem’ however, is that I don’t see a point in taking more and giving them less. I don’t see a point, because I don’t see a viable future for myself. I work, I make money, and that’s it.

Three days ago, my cousin Brandon called and we talked for an hour. You would wonder what a 9 year old and 28 year old would talk about? Random things like games and biking and his guitar lessons mainly, but as I talked with him about other things, I thought that the only other ‘viable’ future would be to look after my cousins.

Since then, I haven’t played World of Warcraft, but I have instead been playing Half Life 2, Ep1, and Ep2. I’m at Ep2 right now. Extremely well done game I have to say.

Anyway, my life seems so shallow right now. It feels shallow.

5:01am

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