Stand Alone Complex

4:03am

Tune: “I Do” by Ilaria Graziano
Mood: Sexy, haha, no
Drink: Tropicana Orange Juice w/Pulp (Mmm yummy)

[audio:i-do.mp3]

Last night, someone called me while I was in an online conference call, and hastily told her I will treat her to AYCE sushi at Tokyo Ichiban. This night, after sushi, we went to the airport and had some hot chocolate while we chat about stuff. Along the way, she ‘forced’ me to say whether I am attracted to her or not. Now, I can lie or make a fib, but I always seem to have a hard time lying or fibbing about things that has more meaning. Make sense? I mean, if you asked me whether I like your pink and bright green t-shirt with hippos in dresses or not, and I said, “Yeah looks, ah looks cute” – obviously, I am lying there. However, if you were to ask me “What do you think of me?” and I seriously don’t find you attractive, it would be very difficult for me to say that you look cute, okay, average, or anything like that. I just can’t lie, and when I do, I feel bad about it. Not because I lied, but because it wasn’t truthful. I know I know, it’s the same thing, but how to put it?

There is exaggerated truth, and there is somewhat truthful. For stuff like that, I can say something somewhat truthful if I thought she was a little attractive, but she clearly wasn’t nor will she ever be.

Okay, okay, anyway, the purpose of this first bit of my entry is to say that I find it difficult to answer questions like this, but not difficult to make them feel down. Make sense? She asked me if I found her attractive. The first thing I said was, “How about this. We’ll walk around here and I’ll tell you who I find attractive based on her looks, movement, and style alone.” After giving her three examples, she still insisted I tell her. So as we went down the escalator, I told her, “I don’t. Not a bit. You’re simply not my type. In all ways.”

Sounds harsh eh? Yeah, it does, but it’s me. If I didn’t say that, I would be lying and I would feel bad not making it clear.

When I was younger, I would feel bad ‘hurting’ other’s feelings even if I felt that it was the truth. So most of the time, I kept my mouth shut. However, right now, at the age of 28 going into 29, I found that my empathy towards hurting other people’s feelings is quite lacking. It’s not because I don’t care. No far from. I do. It simply is that I don’t like beating around the bush. If a person doesn’t get the indirect remarks of my words and thoughts, then they ‘deserve’ the ‘blunt’ direct truth.

At work, I am constantly being critiqued. Everything I do is critiqued not only by the three big guys, but also by the guys we do business with. It has to meet a certain quality and criteria. Most of the time, I take it quite well, but some of the time, it gets to me, but the only practical thing to do is take it and work with it.

With that said, it’s actually a bit ‘sad’ that I have become like this. How so? Well, my core personality has always been there, but more towards the surface, all the ‘good’ stuff have been filtered and left with this objective bullshit that is me. Now, I’m not putting down myself. I am just realizing who I am and what I have become. I am not harsh on myself. I am simply aware of myself. If I were to say it any other way, I would be ‘lying’ and sugar coating my thoughts.

There are only two people in this world that really put up with my shit. I’m not saying that others don’t. I’m saying that these two put up with my shit on a face-to-face basis, day to day whenever, and through phone, email, and MSN. Those two are Jonathan and Patrick. Like seriously, I wonder how they do it. Then again, they are alike in the way that they are easy-going, laid back, and I guess, very forgiving to a point of course. I like that – not religious and forgiving.

I’m sure I’ve pissed Pat and Jon off at least once or twice in the last 12 to 20 years. I remember sleeping over at Pat’s place back in the late 80’s. Man did we have our little scuffs here and there, but it was always good after half a day. Then we grew apart and blah blah blah, and today, I still wonder, “How the hell do you put up with my perversion, my constant ‘homosexual’ advances, and stuff?” [laughs]

Anyway, I’m not sorry for what I have become or what I have said, or if I have become ‘too’ outspoken for your personal tastes. It’s me. The bastard whore Leeman Fong Pei Cheng. ^_^

This also brings me to say something about DearCupid.org. I like how Eddie, Ariel, and even Dr. Pete and Fade would encourage me to go back to DC once every now and then, but honestly, though I went back there for this week, I’ve noticed that I’ve become a lot more aggressive than I would like to be. There were a few posts made by some anons – eg: the post about the 12 year girl having her vagina licked by a dog – [laughs], yeah well, as much as that anon bitch may have misread my comment, I pretty much went back there and did a partial counter attack on her comment. I was satisfied, BUT I wasn’t satisfied as to what I have become.

Andrew once said to me that he doesn’t consider me as being a bad advisor. Rather, a cheeky one. Well, I personally think that I’ve become a not-as-good advisor. I guess it’s really about tolerance. Patience is still there, but that’s reserved for those around me.

I may offer some good advice here and there, but I am inconsistent, and I think the reason is because I allow impulsive emotion to get to me, even if I am aware of those emotions, I still allow it to take over better judgment.

Recently, I engaged in a discussion with two Christians on DC. Yes, “discussion” and not a debate or a troll-fest. At first, it was okay. They were intelligent, and they were to the point, but eventually, I got sick – mentally and physically. I guess it was because I have lived most of my life building myself, without the support of anyone other than the obvious support lines – eg: my parents as I grew up, and my friends as I went through various periods, etc. Those two Christians have very positive lives. That’s great, but they base their lives on their faith. That is fine. It is their way, but it made me sick – literally, because my faith is based on those around me, and not a book and some invisible being.

I grew up, believing that no one is reliable. I never ask my parents for anything except to get Tropicana Orange Juice and tuna sushi and help me mail something, and I rarely ask my friends for anything. When was the last time I asked you for something?

Exactly. 8]

I believed that no one was reliable including myself. However, I could still believe in others for their various roles. For example, I have faith in Jonathan for never betraying my personal deeper secrets and thoughts for anyone, because he is that type of moralistic person, even if he shares highly putrid wind with me and some ‘funny’ things with his friends from abroad and with his girlfriend. Bastard. 8]

For example, I have faith in Patrick for being a leader, even if he is inexperienced. He’s the type who will never leave anyone behind. He won’t be content nor can he live with himself if he did.

For example, I have faith in Michelle for super-batting me with a massive foam bat if I were to ever say or do something that went against her ideals of good morals.

Understand la?

However, regardless of all I have said here, to the each of you, or elsewhere, I know that I am a bad lover. Albert would argue in perspective that I would make a good lover because of past performance, but I have to disagree. I think a good lover not only listens and tries to compromise and stuff, but also really learn to let go and soften up a bit, and go with the flow. Yes, I consider myself laid back, easy going, and fucked up in my own way, but that’s because it’s me. However, I’m too independent and desire freedom and though I may not listen to my parents as mommy’s boys do, I do take them into consideration of my plans and future goals. On top of all that, it’s the crap I express. Seriously, who in the world would have that sort of tolerance and patience for a semi-narcissist like me? No, I am not in love with myself, and no I do not think that everyone else is wrong, but I do amuse myself and I do adore some of the writings I am able to express. Yeah, I love my writings, sometimes… [wink]

Way with words, manipulative, shit stirrer, bastard whore, pervert, booby mollager – just some terms directed towards me over the years. If these were ancient times, I would be politician or an advisor more than a commander or a king. It would just fit my personality more.

I might also not be a very good friend either, because a lot of people deem friendship as unconditional support and to be there when they need you. I am the type who is outspoken, and I will do what I think is right for that moment. I won’t just stand around and ignore things, because I don’t understand what it means to “mine your own business”. I have an unsaid rule that I’ve obviously never expressed to anyone and that is, if you become my friend, and that friendship extends into being a part of my family, regardless of blood ties, then your business is my business. I will NEVER give unconditional support. That is just simply full of shit and unrealistic.

Jessica once yelled at me because she said that if I were truly her friend, I would unconditionally support her decision to smoke. You know what I said? I said to her, “Only those without any compassionate intelligence would allow their friends to do that to themselves. If I have to lose your friendship to help make you stop or smoke less, then so be it.”

One thing I really find difficult is being a listener for friends with the relationship troubles, especially if I am close to both of them. On one hand you think about the welfare of the couple and the individuals, and then on the other hand, you think about your own principles. That’s why, for years, I’ve tried not to be close to a female friend’s boyfriend or a male friend’s girlfriend, because it simply will deter from my objective. I rather be objectively biased than to be objectively neutral.

Anyway, it’s really damn ‘late’. I don’t think I can find someone whom I can find atractive and fall in love with, as well as someone who would find me attractive and fall in love with any time in the future, just simply because based on my personality and my awareness, I might just end up living in my own castle, full of my own paintings, and my own writings every where. It isn’t a tragedy. It’s merely a means to an end. [wink]

I can almost hear that last sentence from Jon… 8]

5:02am

3 thoughts on “Stand Alone Complex

  1. Fong Pei

    Eyes on the prize, young Ha Gow, eyes on the prize.

    “It’s merely a means to an end.” Sounds like Agent Smith more than me ;)

  2. Li

    Ah well, Smith and Tsang are actually one and the same aren’t they? Master and apprentice, apprentice becomes master… I’m thinking about sex. No, yeah. Okay. [ahem]

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