The Disappearing Act

The Disappearing Act

1:11am

Lately, I’ve been thinking about stuffs again. One of the things I was thinking about was about inducing certain ‘negative’ emotions in trying to achieve other emotions or to initial certain things to happen. [laughs]

I was thinking about what Albert said about disappearing without letting anyone know, etc, but if I had that chance, that is what I would do. I would pack my bags, bring a wad of cash, and disappear for a few years, possibly write to my family/friends once every now and then, but never leaving a return address.

Personally, I stopped asking why a long time ago. Although it has occurred to me to explain to others about my sudden absence, I actually don’t like to explain anything in the first place. It’s true that my lack of clarity and mysteriousness often causes misunderstandings, but there is a time and place for such things and I believe this is one of them. Obviously, there are reasons in the ‘why’s’ and why I don’t desire to reveal anything to anyone. Those reasons are mine and mine alone. I expect nothing more.

This reminds me – I had a ‘martini’ the other day, but it wasn’t made correctly. I believe they used vodka in place of gin, and it was shaken with ice rathered than chilled and stirred. Other than that, it was still acceptable. Also, I noticed that it was the first time anyone has ever asked me why I paid the entire dinner bill which was less than the cost of my WoW BC expansion. It even made me say “Because we’re Chinese” when I am clearly not.

“I like to have a martini
Two at the very most —
After three I’m under the table,
After four, I’m under my host.”

— Dorothy Parker

[coughs]

Anyway, I think the act of disappearing came late 2000. Ever since then, that craving and obsession has quite overwhelmed me. It doesn’t look that way does it? Well, I may not be articulate with words when I’m pissed annoyed or having an explosive orgasm, but I don’t see how this sentence has any relation to anything. It’s uncanny how my thoughts premeditate something but when it comes out on-screen, it’s completely off. Groban! GROBAN, look what you did!

Right.

There is a LOT of booze downstairs from my bro’s Halloween party that he held in this house while we were in HK. Let’s see what I can mix with Pepsi…

[goes downstairs]

Well, that was a total distraction. I spent the last 10 minutes or so trying to capture a giant spider downstairs. It’s the type that you wake up to find two tiny holes on your body somewhere. I finally chased it to some corner, cupped it, and placed it on a leaf outside. I have an initial fear of large spiders like that, so don’t ask me how I managed. I just did.

Anyway, I found a ‘new’ bottle of Italian red wine downstairs, as well as some Raspberry flavored Vodka which doesn’t taste that bad fortunately. Let’s take a sip…

Crap, it tastes like cough medicine. MORE PEPSI!

[gets more Pepsi]

Nevermind, I got ice-cubes instead.

So where was I?

Yes, the obsession to just get up and leave. I have done some rather embarrassing things throughout my life thus far, and it sucks that those memories catch up to me from time to time. There is no avoiding them. Self-exile is something I have a knack for, so that is what I have done for something.

I also learned something new today – more like achieved more clarity. The word for reminder is: “backbone”. Secondary word is: “trial”.

It’s unfortunate really – that I have to learn it through those means. [sighs] How the hell did I manage to drink this shit all these years?

You know what I miss very dearly? Is those nights where we travelled around the LML on bus, skytrain, and on foot – all those damn nights, not really knowing out destinations, only vaguely, and only then when things were clearer. That was when everything meant so much – that is when I was in the formation stages of my characteristics. If only Tom and I are still brothers. Then I can reflect with him on those days/nights together.

[“Cyberbird” by Yoko Kanno]

Ooooh… The alcohol is kicking in. Nice!

You know – I was talking with Jon a few weeks ago about curiosity and regret. At the time, I said I regret many things from my past, and he said that he thought I never regretted anything, followed by what he felt would have happen as curiosity instead. Indeed, curiosity it is, but I think a huge difference between him and I is the way we went through our experiences. He kept his life as simple as possible in a natural way. I kept my life complicated in a natural way. I have a lot of mistakes and ‘choices’ I made that have caused a huge array of ‘negative’ emotions to linger to this day. Though I am sure he has made mistakes in his past, no doubt, his mistakes were concentrated and did not have a huge impact on his life right now.

As I am able to only allow trickles of that past get to me in the present, nevertheless, they still get to me. With the curse of a rather good memory, I remember so damn much. I remember all their voices, their faces, their actions, their words. Yet, it is only I, at least, only I that had that experience.

I need Graeme, and I haven’t been a good enough friend to him for very selfish reasons. Obviously, I will not divulge them here.

My problem is that I don’t want to let anyone down. Though I have the ability to say no, the problem is when I say yes, I tend to try to stick to the yes factor. When I say no, I rarely feel guilty, but when I say yes, a massive stress in set on my shoulders. I wear myself thin.

With every passing night and day, I am missing out on things. I can’t get my act together, because I have said yes to so many things in the last few years. Though the Spring, Summer, and Autumn of 2006 were good seasons for me, by mid Autumn, I knew I shouldn’t have made so many yes factors. I don’t regret them at all. I just wish I have a hundred years more with everyone, and ten times the amount of wealth and security.

I wonder would I still be typing out entries on my blog at age 60…

A lot of people say I am wise, but I am not. I am no wiser than you or anyone. Some people may be more naive, more gullible, or not as experienced, but we can only be as wise as our own standards of what wise is. So in reality, we compare wisdom with ourselves. If you say I am wise – what you are basically saying is that you agree to my words and thoughts, that they hold meaning for you where you can use to benefit yourself one way or another. In short, you can understand me, because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t be a wise person in your eyes.

With that said, this vodka raspberry Pepsi mix has tasted a lot better since my first sip. Then again, I have been feeling more and more depressed with every passing swallow.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am still in my coma from 1994.

Wretched.

[“Goodbye My Master” by Yoko Kanno]

I had a dream the other night that Jon and I took our exotic cars to France, and sped through the Millau Bridge. We were older, with gray hairs and we met up from different locations just to take a part of our dream through that bridge. At the end, we parked, had some ginger ale, and he turned to me and asked, “We’ve come a long way haven’t we?” Then he turned his head and looked across the bridge and as did I with a smile. Someone was in his car, but I didn’t quite make out the figure. I didn’t say anything further, got into my car, and drove away.

[“The World Is Full Plankton” by Amorphous Androgynous (FSOL)]

In that dream, that was the last time I saw him, and anyone for that matter. It had a sad undertone no doubt, but it was me.

On a different note, I wish everyone a healthier and happier new Lunar year… 8]

2:28am

Leave a Reply