[“Junigenmukyoku” by Hari Kunihiko]
It’s not every day, nor night, that an individual can learn to revisit their core-self, passed all the poisons of the world. I confess that there are many temptations of every type that have baited and tried luring me to that supposedly shallow pool to cool me off per se. Alas, my eyes aren’t that shallow and can see that the shallow pool is indeed very deep and possibly full of demons waiting to drown me.
As someone who has gone through some experiences of life through this world, I hold in high regards the concept of morality, the idea of virtue, and of course, the earned respect and gained admiration for those who has naturally put themselves high above me. There are a few.
It’s not my usual time for sleep but I have to wake up at 7:25am to meet with Pat for some Squamish mountain biking. Then afterwards, pick-up Emma around 4:30pm, back to Richmond where I have to shower, change, and drive Jon, Martine, Emma, and myself to Carlo’s wedding banquet at Gingeri. At the very least, Carlo had the consideration to put a table between Cindy’s table and mine. [laughs] It was nice of Carlo to cal me around 11pm to ‘remind’ me…
[smiles] Yes, initially I wasn’t going to attend, but though sometimes certain things pop up here and there, I have put nearly all of it behind me. Like yesterday (Thursday), for my 30 minute lunch break, I drove out to the southern arm of the Fraser River, parked and stared out while I chowed down on an omelette. While I glanced around, I looked at my side mirror and realized that was the exact same spot where I once took June a long time ago, to observe the stars, and it was in that exact same place that I took Cindy out last May, to talk…
The view was different as it was day. You know? The stars still shine, even in the day time. We just can’t see it, but they’re there.
That place is nothing spectacular, but it holds meaning to me. I stumbled on it in early-mid 2000 when my heart yearned for Virginia. I did not pursue her as my friend at the time had feelings for her. Obviously, I chose my brother over my emotions for a stranger. Thus my emotions had to go somewhere other than the alcohol I indulged in on a nearly-nightly basis. I found that place while driving around one night. It was a completely clear night. Luna was out, in all her glorious beauty – full and round, bright and magnificiently strong. She lit up the entire southern arm of the Fraser. The reflection of her, amidst the light waves of the river was like a million haikus being sung one after another to create a single voice, like a song, that only by accepting my surroundings, could I ‘hear’ her.
The night air was cool and crisp. I was very relaxed.
I wondered whether I corrupted that place with me bringing Cindy there – such a demon, one that I allowed to corrupt my heart. Of course, when I turn around and face my family/friends, I see that twinkle in their eyes, their smiles, and their sincere expressions.
I apologize for ever caused an offense. Indeed, sometimes, I do get carried away. However, even before and during being carried away, I was well aware of what I was doing. Heh, for the last half year, I’ve been lowering myself, making my external image vulgar and full of humor. In fact, of course, I didn’t tell anyone, a lot has been on my mind.
I am not unhappy, but internally, I am not happy. Someone once said that happiness is earned. Disregarding those who were born wealthy and sick-free, I thought about that. Happiness is what I make of it. Of course. However, it’s difficult.
My mom is strangely randomly perceptive. She would come up to me, brush my face and ask me what is wrong. Of course, I will always tell her a joke, follow by a story to mislead her.
Cindy always believed that to be a good daughter meant to never stand up for herself and to pick up after her mom. I despised that way of thinking. I wasn’t a good son when I went through elementary school and high school, and even a few years after high school. I had to learn what it meant to be a good son.
Today, since a few years ago, I understand and my soul is more at ease with this gained awareness amidst other things. I always stood up for myself, even towards my dad and my mom. When I was younger, I feared my dad because he was like a king to me. As I got older, he was only my dad. However, no matter how much I rebelled or argued, slammed my bedroom door, and stuff, I always came back to recognize my role as a family member.
Today, I no longer do any of those things, but I still stand up for myself. My parents are there as a guide. Whether they are right or wrong is not important. They are there to tell me what they believe is right and wrong. I am here to listen and take their words into consideration. Ultimately, I decide what is right or wrong.
I have followed this belief since the moment I learned to speak. It is only now that I can put them to words more accurately.
[“Shihouka (Kokyu Version)” by Kunihiko Ryo]
Being a good son means I care about their well-being. I make sure I am there when they need me. I will share with them my plans, my current events, and some of my thoughts. I will tell them about my friends, their lives, and I will tell them that I love and care about my brother. To show my appreciation for them, I not only give money to them, but I also go out to walks with them and share with them stories and some of my past experiences.
They still won’t let me help clean up the house though. They think that their bones need to be worked. I said to my mom in Cantonese, “You and dad should go out more. Explore the city, walk the bigger parks, and let me do all the dusting, washing, and vacuuming.” My mom laughed at me and told me that those aren’t my duties. Of course, I would rebuttal and say, “It is NOT the duty of the son or the daughter to take care of the family, but it is something I WANT to do for the family.”
My mom smacks my hand almost every time. At least she allows me to put the laundry in and clean the bathtub… 8/
Patrick and I get into arguments a lot, but at least his temper subsides very quickly strangely… Like a premature ejaculation. Hahaha…
[“Shihouka” by Kuwashima Houko/Kunihiko Ryo]
What I was getting at here was that like my last email to him had reconfirmed, by seeing what my friends/family go through daily, I am allowed the indirect experience of acquiring their emotions. Pat initially misunderstood my words here in terms of ‘comparing’ stress and hardship. Of course I am always misunderstood. No matter how beautiful my words may be, I always seem to have a difficult time in converting my words so that it is more generally understandable.
Anyway, it allows me to feel their moods and their own feelings. That in itself gives me a tidbit of happiness. Eg: I have seen Patrick cried before, but that was about 18 years ago. However, I have barely seen much emotion from him over the last decade aside from laughter and the occasional anger recently. It’s one thing to be private, and I can tell you that I am still a very private person, but like I said, no one really knows my internal thoughts. [laughs] That is if they ever read this entry. 8]
Yes, so it’s one thing to be refinely private, and another to be immature in withholding your emotions and thoughts. I won’t explain it here because it’s way passed my bedtime!
I guess as a last comment for tonight is that I feel like a bunch of monkeys are trying to burst out of an ironfisted rule inside. Albert would know what I am talking about. The poem he made for me hints at it. Where did the monkeys come from? Heh, possibly my mom – from my youth.
Am I a mommy’s boy? Of course. The thing is, how many men can say they are and still have the will to stand up to the world, and still carry the weight of the family on his shoulders, whilst chained to heavy boulders of regret?
I love my parents, though I may come off as cold to 90% of the people who have met me. I understand death, and I will be very sad when my parents pass from this life.
In this day and age, the ‘modern’ world is full of contemporary criticism. It is very great that I have had the opportunity to meet some of the greatest people born in my time [wink], but sometimes, I wish I wasn’t born in this era. Though my obligation and duty is to my family, I wish I have a greater focus. [chuckles] Wouldn’t it be so awesome to serve a good and kind-hearted emperor or empress?
Today’s contemporary people say that democracy is the will of the people. I beg to differ. As a whole, people believe and are influenced by other people around them, which causes a mass of different interpretations of the same idea. As individuals, they fear being segregated. In small groups, factions grow and cause dissent amidst the greater collective. I still believe in a hybrid monarchy. Of course, that will never happen in my life time.
Am I a visionary? [winks]
Yeah, lick it! LICK IT! AND RUB YOUR EYES AT THE SAME TIME!!!