More often than not, when I am stressed out or moody, people stop prodding me and actually go into a proactive mode to counter my moodiness. I think most of my friends do a wonderful job of this. My mom has improved a lot over the years too, but she has an unfair handicap of course, considering she is my mom, thus having a lot more experiences on dealing with me.
Tune: “All is full of love” by Bjork
Mood: A bit upset, very stressed, tired
Drink: Choko Tea
A major problem between Amber and I is that she is not consistently in my face all the time. We rely on the internet to get our ideas and feelings across which time and again have proven to be ineffective. However, after my trip to Germany for two weeks, less than a week ago, I had a spark of hope that things would be a bit different. I was hoping that for me being there and showing her a side of me there, she would be able to pick up the other side of me instead of looking at who I was online on the internet. I was also hoping that after going through 1.5 years of communication struggles, she should have by now been able to tactfully recognize when my mood changes and through good timing, react accordingly. Alas, today’s latest episode has once again proven that all of what I have done is for naught.
I have been dealing with a lot of crap the last few days which causes me stress as most of you already know. Amber also knows this. It’s just that, she didn’t realize I was going through this today, until it was too late. The problem is that I already mentioned I was moody. Instead of being productive on what I asked for, she continued a game of Ping Pong with me and from there, it just got worst and worst and worst and then it hit rock bottom when she told me her feelings reverted back to ‘normal’ from before I went to Germany.
I just flew a rough total of 17,000 kilometers forfeiting my work for 2 weeks, spending about a total of $1500, walked my feet to death, catering to most of her needs while brushing my own pride away, meeting her family right off the bat without much preparation, then travel back to Canada with a total of about 45 hours of sleepless train and plane rides to go see her. My ‘reward’? Her feelings are reverted back to before I went to Germany. Talk about taking difficult things for granted.
Honestly, I cannot forgive her for saying that, just like when she told me I was no longer her knight from a few weeks ago, but just a man. I have forgiven a lot over the years. It took many years for some. I just have a very vengeful heart. Even my mom recognizes this and has told me on a few occasions before.
In some ways, it’s ‘good’ that she can be honest with me without tact and timing to hinder that honesty. On the other hand, she is very robotic with the way she is. Which actually makes me react that way too. The difference being that once she becomes that way, I have learned to become neutral instead of negative right off the bat. Today was such a test to see what she would do. Like I said, I had hope for the first time that she may bounce up and do what I’ve suggested that she does in the past, but she didn’t and flopped downwards.
I did however tell her that she did nothing wrong. She did exactly what I expected her to, what she did almost every other time. However, this isn’t saying I am perfect myself. I am also perfectly myself. On many occasions, I have reacted the exact way as I always had and that was being analytical and questioning when what I should have done was be more sensitive and considerate. I think on some level, I have improved but I still need work. However, when I look at Amber, she still hasn’t improved on her sensitivity and consideration much. I asked myself just now: “Should she even bother trying?”
I have always believed that people should be themselves, even if that meant hurting the other person. My idea is simple: if the other person cannot accept you for who and what you are, then they will make the decision to leave. When I decided to alter myself, I did it because I didn’t want to cause the other person grief and hope to better our relationship without changing too much of myself. Now that I look back at all of this, I must have a lot of tolerance and patience or maybe I have an infinite ‘amount’ of love for her. It’s probably both or possibly that I am a weak retarded bastard with a very low self-esteem. Actually, both ends of this spectrum can still be true.
Every single time a problem comes up, it always ends up as me being ‘the monster’ who started it all. It always ends up as me who is the bad guy, the asshole, the fucktard, the bastard who hurts her. Yet, she never sees that she is sparking the misery. No no of course not. I am always at fault. I am always wrong. I am the problem maker. I am the only one digging myself a grave.
I remember a time when people respected my words and knew how to tactfully and through good timing for the most part, maneuvered around the heated conversations with me, as I also knew how to do that. Yet why is it that with Amber, this always happens?
Imagine the entire morning, we talk about building a web site together and think up some domain names. We talked about this topic the day before as well. Then a few hours later, she comes online and I ask her between two web site themes, which does she like OR if she would pick something else. It takes her forever to load the themes due to her constipated internet connection. So I suggest we talk about it another time. I am of course irritated that she can’t load them up and it’s taking forever, but I am calm and not mad at her for having a shitty internet she has no control over.
She insisted that it’s almost finished loading and so I went silent. Then she told me her opinion of the two themes. I gave my own input and told her that her opinion isn’t helping.
Eventually, she finally pointed out my strange behavior. My words were harsher, more blunt, more distant. This was due to the fact I am dealing with work stress and other stress. This is a common occurrence that has happened in the past multiple times and in those multiple times, I’ve told her how she can help me deal with it. I also told her that we shouldn’t have talked about the themes if she had no intention to brainstorm ideas with me.
At this point, her logic was that since I told her that we can talk about it another time, she thought giving her opinion of the two themes was ‘enough’ and then leave it as that.
Now, in my logic, that doesn’t make a damn sense. If I told her we will talk about it another time, then [drum roll] we will talk about it another time. End of story. If I said we will talk about it another time, but she lets it load up and give her opinion, then it means she wants to talk about it and therefore, we should brainstorm our web site ideas. You don’t give one half of the story, then stop. That’s like showing up at a work meeting and giving half your notes to the staff. Sorry honey, it doesn’t work that way.
Our argument took off from here. I explained to her how her logic doesn’t make sense and that if she recognized my moodiness at the start, she could have easily steered it away from all of this mess.
Imagine the entire morning, we talk about building a web site together and think up some domain names… So I suggest we talk about it another time… She insisted that it’s almost finished loading and so I went silent. Then she told me her opinion of the two themes. I gave my own input and told her that her opinion isn’t helping.
She would have asked why her opinion isn’t helping and I will repeat what I said earlier: “I need help. This theme OR this theme OR something else?”
At this point in time, she would pick up the strange behavior and ask: “Is work getting you down? Are you stressed from that or something else?”
In which I would tell her that it’s mainly with work and that I was hoping she could help me on what to do with our web site. Then on cue, reading the words: “I was hoping she could help me on what to do with our web site” she would automatically tell me some of her own ideas. At this point, my stress levels would have started to ease off as I read what she has to say about our own shared web site. We would shoot ideas back and forth until she is tired and goes to bed and my stress levels would have gone down considerably because we did something fun together.
Imagine the entire morning, we talk about building a web site together and think up some domain names… So I suggest we talk about it another time… She would have picked up my ‘off’ behavior from earlier and say something like: “Sorry, I don’t know why my internet is still so bad. We can talk about this another day, but do you still want to talk about the web site minus the themes?” Which I would have reacted positively because she is showing me that she really cares about the shared web site and so I would tell her what is on her mind and we’ll shoot ideas back and forth until she gets tired.
Imagine the entire morning, we talk about building a web site together and think up some domain names… So I suggest we talk about it another time… She would have picked up my ‘off’ behavior from earlier and say something like: “Sorry, I don’t know why my internet is still so bad. We can talk about this another day, but I do want to talk to you about our web site. Just not tonight. I’m too tired right now.”
At this point, I would be a bit above being neutral and be more concerned of her own well being than focus on my own stress.
Unfortunately, we didn’t come close to any of the last three scenarios and I am quite disappointed right now.
Specifically to Amber: The key issue from all of this is that you always either react negatively or you almost always have zero tact when there is a hint of ‘off’ behavior from me. You almost never react in a proactive manner, nor do you ever react in a way that helps the situation. You almost always react in a way that makes the situation worst, then bounce it back at me thinking I am the one creating the problems. ALL things have a cause and effect. Why don’t you stop for a moment one day and think about the cause, before you proclaim I am the one causing the problems. What you think I enjoy ‘causing’ problems? Oh yeah, I love to add stress on top of stress. I love fucking myself up.
There are two causes to my stress and that is work and finances primarily. My strange behavior is caused by 1) that stress and 2) your internet greetings to me being distant. I try to counter #2 with neutrality. When you get a hint of my off behavior, there is obviously OBVIOUSLY something wrong. Since stress is eternal, then something else must be causing it. If you seriously think I am causing all these problems, then we have nothing more to talk about. I’ll let you think about this for a few days.
Anyway, I’m going to bed. I’ll be fasting in 15 minutes for 13 hours for my medical exams tomorrow. Wish me good fortune that I don’t have some terminal illness.