The Hidden Alcoholic

The Hidden Alcoholic

3:04am

I was just laughing at a realization I came upon a few moments ago that if I didn’t have my friends and I didn’t have these responsibilities, I would be a very sick alcoholic right now. If I had the money and I did not have these responsibilities and the friends that actually tactfully take away my booze, I would be a drunk every night. Well, maybe not drunk every night but I would drink every day.

The taste of some alcohol like vodka and brandy is plain nasty but when the feelings inside of me feel like shit, a few shots of nasty booze seems heavenly. Like right now, I am craving some whiskey on ice. I really like whiskey even though it tastes really disgusting. It’s not the taste I like per se. It’s the overall feeling and the fact that it tastes so bitter that I really enjoy.

Also, a few moments before that realization, I wondered if there is a portion of my thought processes that forces me into monkhood. Mind you, it’s not a religious monkhood that I’m referring to. Unlike Jon, I believe in the mechanics of the universe as a spiritual force. Thus, I believe that my body is a part of the stars – not that Jon does not believe that, but I take a step deeper and align that belief with my spirituality. Heh, can you tell I’m beating around the bush? No, I’m not talking about masturbation.

I believe coincidences is the absolute cause for things to happen as they do but I also believe in the influences of the Butterfly Effect. Even before I was exposed to that term, I had ideas pertaining to that. With that said, I believe that coincidences and the Butterfly Effect come hand in hand. We can’t prove it, so it becomes a spiritual belief. People can choose to attach religious stigma to it but then that simply becomes the set human interpretation of what it is and where it came from, rather than let it flow freely and creatively.

In other words, if you told your kid that the Boogey Monster was created from a can of Campbell Mushroom Soup that had gone bad, then forever will that kid think that the Boogey Monster came from a can of Campbell Mushroom Soup gone bad. On the other hand, if you told your kid that the Boogey Monster comes from under the bed or from the closet at night, it leaves room for him/her to draw up his/her own conclusion on its origins and effects. Which in turn allows creative thinking that develops into intellectual thought and reflection.

Since I’ve finally mentioned the Boogey Monster, there is one that haunts me. For you, I am your Devil’s Advocate. For me, I have no one but the Boogey Monster that hovers somewhere behind me taking no particular form nor taking any particular stance, but I can feel it and I know what it represents. There are holes in my existence. Those holes are filled with vague images fortified by the Boogey Monster.

The other night, Benny asked me something and after a couple of things I said, his response was “Then don’t do it.” That is what I expect my friends to say to me, even the ones that are close. Again, I was at fault for being a common human.

I keep telling myself that no one can help me and no one can really understand. I once thought – really seriously believed that I was the only person in the world – a world that I created. Whether the body I live with exists or not, all comes down to how much I believe in myself. People were an illusion. The world was my creation. I am god. When people in the world I created worshipped another god, I felt that I was losing myself. In other words, maybe my existence relied on how much I believed in myself and the people in my mind represented the strength of my belief.

I once believed that. Today, it isn’t because I don’t believe that anymore. It is because I feel a mathematical burst of formulas that I seriously cannot comprehend and that I live because I am part of a massive formula that loops itself, or maybe eats itself an infinity over. It’s like splitting a whole number into an infinite amount of times and asking “How many decimals can one number have?”

Of course, I do not believe that if I simply think of something, it will happen or it will appear. No, that isn’t part of the universal mechanics of existence. It will only exist if it makes sense for me, even if the thing or situation is beyond my comprehension. It just has to be logical.

Crap. Now I have to go do a video spec sheet for our clients.

3:33am

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