Tune: “Say All I Need” by One Republic[audio:or_sayallineed.mp3]
As some of you already know, there was a girl I had been corresponding with through Skype web cam and email. I ‘met’ her through a penpal site back in mid February where she reported another member for stealing her profile bio. I had to contact her personally to tell her the deal, as I was a moderator there. Right off the bat, we both found out some pretty huge coincidences about each other. For example:
1) We both live with our parents, working to help take care of them. She lives with her mom and I live with my mom and dad.
2) She lives about four houses down a lane in the exact same village in Hong Kong, as I do if I live in the village. The village is called Wong Nai Tau in Shatin. It’s my dad’s ancestral village where his entire family has lived in for the last 200 years. Iris’ mom rents a floor in that village. There are dozens upon dozens of villages in Hong Kong.
3) We both have a spiritual side. Hers came from a Catholic background turned agnostic. Mine came from a mixture of religions turned spiritual. We also feel strongly about how we want our intimate relationship to be. To fall in love that does NOT lead to marriage and having kids isn’t really something she wants at the moment.
The fact that I was one of four moderators who responded to her report, who normally don’t respond directly and it was someone who lives at my village with very similar lifestyles and emotional needs is pretty whacked. She’s intelligent, caring and generous and feminine for the most part. She’s sporty, has nice boobs and isn’t a prude. She has a nice voice, she’s not bad looking, she has nice hair. However, she isn’t very emotionally mature.
Now, I won’t reveal anything about her private life here obviously, but to say the least, it had been a heck of a time just trying to be patient with her. She likes to accuse me of being something I am not, then apologize for the accusation afterwards. This has happened three times already. The third was my last straw.
In the last one, she accused me of ‘attacking’ her and insulting her. This pissed me off because she ended that email, as she did before by saying she no longer wants to talk with me and she used the “it’s all in your mind” line that I said back in March after my cruise. She constantly uses that line out of context, as I have partially explained in my last two entries.
As most of you know, I am probably the most logical person or one of the most logical people you know. You also probably know that I think realistically. Obviously, when I am fantasizing about someone sexually, “it’s all in my mind”. She doesn’t need to remind me of that, but what really pissed me off was that she said she was disappointed that my conversation with her would eventually lead to purely sexual talk. She said once before, that she had tried corresponding with men but it always ended up being sexual. At the time, I thought that it’s odd it would end up like that, unless those men were looking for a quick sex fix to start. I didn’t think much about it, until now.
Iris and I share some pretty intimate fantasies through MSN and Skype web cam chat. She tells me all sorts of things which I obviously will not reveal here and in kind, I respond, as well as express my sexual desires for her. For example, I asked if she ever wears lipstick and she told me no. I asked her if she would wear lipstick if I asked her to because I would love to see her lipstick marks all over my woohoo and she said she would do it. Now, all this sexual conversation was mutual. She knew I take medication that constantly makes me horny. When we have conversations on MSN and Skype, it always eventually leads to sex. It almost always starts out with her saying, “I need you.” I try responding in a non-sexual way, but it turns me on know that she needs me – not purely in a sexual way, but emotional and emotionally, that is where my sexual desire flames up.
Now, for the person that I like that I am roughly casually working towards an intimate relationship with, my sexual focus would then be concentrated on the person of my adoration. I once had that adoration for Erica and from time to time, I think about her, but not as much as I started doing with Iris.
As you all know already, I AM a sexual person. This is clearly apparent in many of my past entries. I will react sexually if the other person is reciprocating. With Erica, it didn’t happen as much, though I did fantasize about her, because 90% of our conversations were about the mundane and GeoCaching, etc. With Iris, even if we start off talking about mundane things, it always ended up with sexual talk because it almost always starts off with “I need you” or something similar.
What Iris may not have realized and may never realized was that I was starting to break down my barriers because of her. The more vulnerability she expressed towards me, the more I wanted to reach out to her and a key element of me reaching out, was to express my sexual desire. What she simply and utterly will never realize is that in sex, as I’ve explained to her before, is a dance. I LOVE pleasuring and the reward of being pleasured is awesome, but it has to be mutual. I would never fuck a girl just to get off. That’s why the flings never worked out for me. I couldn’t just have sex to get off. The lack of emotional connection just made the entire sexual activity lame. With Iris, I wanted her. I fantasized about her and I told her, as she told me hers.
In three emails prior to my last one, I told her I hesitate in telling her about my sexual dreams, remembering she once mentioned that all the men she’s corresponded with eventually became purely sexual towards her. Indeed, I wanted to make love to her 24/7 and I even imagined putting Erica in there, something I normally don’t think about OR even another guy, but again, that’s MY WAY of communicating my emotional needs. The dance of sex, the dance of pleasure giving and receiving.
I wanted her, as I once wanted Erica, but with Erica, though our obstacles were massive, it felt so natural to just want Erica. With Iris, all those mental obstacles were just becoming so much effort. She accused me of insulting her, attacking her and accusing her. Yet, she did not once look back at her own actions towards me – the domino effect of how it came to be. I admit that sometimes, I have some communication long-windedness and/or issues with clarity, but I don’t go ahead and accuse people without due cause. Regardless, now I understand how those men she corresponded with in the past started talking purely about sex and how she was ‘turned off’ by that. I say, in hindsight, if I knew it was through her own instigation of expressing her need and sexual desire for those men that caused those men to completely be sexual with her, in which would turn her off, I would have stopped myself from telling her my medical needs. I would have kept my heavy desire for sex and pleasure giving to myself.
I truly believe that Iris should definitely NOT respond to men with words of “I need you” and express sexual desire, if she’s going to be “disappointed” that the intellectual conversation would shortly be replaced by sexual fantasy.
I actually liked her and the funny thing is, as you all may find surprising, is that I actually thought that this would be my first potential ‘real’ relationship that didn’t start out as a fling. I may actually fall for someone because we were friends first – something I never considered in the past. June, Cindy, Sandra, Fiona and even Virginia, etc. They were all either a fling that turned into something else or right off the bat, we met and we worked our way not through friendship, but many delicious flirts and dates to become intimate partners. Though through Iris’ eyes, I was probably more to her than she was to me, ultimately, this was a different experience for me – something I was in many ways, looking forward to, especially when I was going to meet her in December this year.
After allowing myself a day to think and cool off, I don’t regret my harsh last email, but I kept saying to myself, “What a waste.” No, not a waste of experience. Actually, it’s a waste of a good coincidence.