[“Sirius 909” by Romolo di Prisco]
I was just thinking that back when I was younger, I wasn’t really a good person – not that I was a bad person, but just not really that great of a person. I mean, now that I look back at it, there were so many things that I wouldn’t do today. For the opportunities I really had, I really screwed myself up.
I remember in late 2000, during the early Winter, Cygnie and I were outside on the office balcony at night. He was smoking a cig and I was just drinking a beer. He said in Cantonese, “I don’t get how someone like you, whom has a way with words, don’t have women chasing after you?” I laughed and said, “It takes a bit more than just words to get women you know?” Then he proceeded to tell me a story about his past with women.
Come to think of it, in the last six years, I’ve had those chances, and I’m telling you, in terms of asthetics alone, they ranked pretty high. In terms of personality, well, a little work would have been required, but they weren’t too bad… Well, Stacy needed a whole shit load of work. [sigh] Let’s discount her anyhow.
From high school to the present, I know asthetically, I don’t look that great. Then one time in Grade 12 Creative Writing, a couple of honger bitches were talking about me – well, more like whispering. I guess they figured for being some nerdy rebel with no sense of Chinese fashion, they thought I wouldn’t have heard nor understood. One of them said in Cantonese something like, “If he was a bit bigger, he would look quite good.” Then it dawned on me from that day onwards, that if tomatoes grew in the Autumn, then flowers would have bloomed in the Winter!
Anyway, it slowly changed my way of thinking in a subtle, gradual sense. I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened over time.
[“Romelus 3” by Alistair Hirst]
I started to analyze everything silently. I created a massive sub-structure of thoughts and thought processes. That massive burst of massiveness massively created itself in a very short period of time – say from 1998 to 2003. Those were the years that allowed me to articulate my vocabulary. Everything was natural poetry.
Unfortunately, due to my undeserved ego back in the day, as well as having that massive block of natural wit coupled with learned intelligence, everything just wasn’t ripe. That time period, though fun and exciting, was very sour. Eating all those young sour grapes back in the day, have made the grape vine of today very sparse and empty. The few left aren’t even enough to repopulate the dry soil.
Thus I stand here today, just moving along slowly, hoping Razor would get their VC, Angels, and/or grants, and that’s that. I was just thinking that with all the females I’ve met recently, with a few of them whom are a tad bit more attractive and pursuable, I can’t actually imagine myself dating any of them. It just won’t compute.
Obviously, I have an answer to every ‘dilemma’ that originates from myself. 8]
Totally off topic for a sec… The other day, my dad bought a case of Budweiser. HOLY CRAPPERS! WHY DID I DRINK THAT CRAP?!?!!? WHY?!?!?! It’s EXACTLY LIKE AMERICAN PISS BEER!
Also, I like the Kokanee Sasquatch. The women are nice too. 8]
[“Minotaur” by Alistair Hirst]
Despite the names of these songs, these are very ambient techno tunes. Just the way I like them. 8]
Back on topic… If I were to think I am losing my touch, it probably isn’t really ‘losing’ my touch, and more so because I am getting rid of it, or rather, not trying to use it any more. I mean if you look at my past (talking to Albert here), it hasn’t exactly been very nice… [ponders together] Okay, okay, stop making that odd shape with your mouth. So there were a couple of nice ones, but what was it? Was it my daringness or was it really me? What could any of them past females find me attractive? I really think it was my daringness.
There was a time when June and I were sitting on the office couch drinking some mixed alcohol while I ‘tested’ her English vocab. I asked her in partial Cantonese, “How do you spell Opossum?” She stared at me with a red face, suddenly smiled very widely and laughed her head off. I sighed and said, “Okay…” and lifted two fingers and asked, “How do you spell Ruse?”
That lead to sex.
Wait, I was going somewhere with that… [ponders] [ponders some more] Well, hmmm… Let me re-read the last two paragraphs…
Ah yes, now I remember. While we were ripping each other’s clothes off, and biting and licking each other every where, I remember lifting her up and accidently bumped her head against the wall while I tried to lower her down on the pillow. She rubbed her head while partially laughing and crying playfully, and said in Cantonese, “I don’t understand how I have fallen for you!” Then I stuck my two fingers up again and asked, “How do you spell Ruse?!”
After banging her for about 65 to 70 minutes straight (yeah, ask any of my past lovers and they can tell you I’m a sex machine powered by booze and static) in different positions, she exploded. Ah this makes me think that Cindy claws me when we’re having sex, but she only does it because she knows I like being clawed. However, June clawed me because it was something she did while having her orgasms. I like the June-claws. Even made me bleed a couple of times.
Anyway, I was getting somewhere with that last paragraph too… [ponders]
Yeah, daringness… I’m not a bad boy like in the ‘traditional’ sense. I don’t consider myself one. I wouldn’t. Modesty aside, I would have to say I am a lot more refined than a ‘bad boy’. I’m more like a very naughty person.
Yes, I realize this entry is about me. Hey, once every 50 entries is a good trade-off! 8P
Ah so Carlo and Donna’s wedding banquet is in less than 2 weeks – 13 days, on the 26th. I’ll be going there with Emma, Jon and his gf Martine. There will be Melvin, and some other people from our high school days. There will also be Donna’s friends who include Cindy and of course, her new bf.
I decided to go a month ago because I felt I should go. It’s Carlo’s union with Donna. The least I could do is be there to celebrate it with him. It’s only for about 3 hours or less. Then that would be the last time I would ever have to be in the presence of the people I do not like.
Older women… Hmmm…
Nah, wouldn’t be able to take it in the long run. Jessica on the other hand… I wouldn’t have mind at all. She was only five months older than me. Mind you, though I had an interest in her back in the day, it would never have worked – firstly, due to my idioticy and immaturity back in the day. Second, she needed someone really strong and sincere. Her now-bf sounds like a really nice guy. Hopefully, he is the right guy and they would live happily ever after. I mean, the things I tried encouraging her to do – quit smoking, drink less, exercise more, hang out with her questionable crowd less, etc were all achieved by her now bf.
That’s all that counts. Best of everything to her.
A couple of weeks after my break-up with Cindy, my eldest cousin, Catherine, told me something coinciding my thoughts on future companions. I told her that as I grow older, my thoughts become more refined, my tastes become more defined, and my wealth increases, I wouldn’t be able to sincerely share that power and freedom with anyone on an intimate scale. I told her that ideally, I would like grow with that person, to explore her and us, and what we are capable of doing as partners, and beyond, through thick and thin, through thorns and fields, through the darkness and the blinding light. Then as things come and go, sharing my power and my freedom, sharing my life and all that incorporates it with her would well be worth it.
She gave me a friendly rebuttal of course. She was the one who babysat me and my bro back in the early to mid 80’s. 8]
She said that I would find it in my heart to naturally want to share my all with her. I will know who is right for me and who isn’t. She said that with your failed relationships and with what I know of you, you’re not someone who take love too lightly, nor do you wear it on your sleeve casually. When the time comes, when you meet that special person, you will naturally want to express your all to her.
Of course, two months after she said that, I told my mom out of the blue that what Catherine said to me is generally true, BUT because it is only generally, it cannot absolutely apply to every individual – especially not me. My mom mostly agreed with me. I said that not everyone is ambitious like me. Not everyone has hidden desires like me – especially not the type of goals I’m going for. I told my mom that there aren’t very many people in this world that can hide their true talents and true desires and still go for the things they intimately want.
Hmm… I may not have gone through war, and I may not have gone through the type of hardships my parents in their youth have gone through, but I’ve gone through my own set of hardships, and comparitively, I just don’t see how Catherine’s words really apply to me. After going through the last six years of massive ups and major downs, I can really only see myself doing my duty, fulfill the desires of the whole, and tread forward slowly and quite painfully.
Damn I hate my day-time job, but not as much hate as Albert has for his, but still!
BTW, check out this video from December 21st, 1976 called “Tracking The Sasquatch” (LINK).
Oops, I was thinking that a bottle of Kokanee and I were getting married… 8o