Uh, what?

About a week and a half ago, I got into another argument with Amber which resulted in her thinking that I thought she was dumb and that I thought I had a “special way of thinking”. I would say that I pride myself in my ‘special way of thinking’, but when it comes to communicating my thoughts to other people, the thing is not so much ‘the special’ way of thinking but rather, how ridiculously dumb I feel when I try to tell people my thoughts. In other words, it’s really not so much that I think other people are dumb and instead that I think I am quite senselessly unable to communicate to most people.

Indeed, I DO have a special way of thinking and that is to think in ‘3D’ or rather, in multi-dimensions. However, you may not realize this but this particular way of thinking is not ‘normal’. It only makes my way of thinking ‘special’ because I think like this, but it doesn’t make me a genius. Far from. It instead makes me feel the opposite most of the time.

In short: I suck at being able to tell most people my thoughts because to me, I feel as though telling people a linear series of words do not truly explain the multiple layers and infinite ‘strings’ of connections of my thoughts. I feel that most people think in black and white with a shade of their ‘favorite’ colour and that most people look at things at face-value, even when they try to think from various perspectives. The way my mind works is that I constantly see the world from inside-out, rather than in front of the picture. Most people have to look at the picture in the front, clear that, then look at the next. For me, I see everything at once. Mind you, I don’t really know how to explain this because “everything” can be interpreted as omnipotence, which it isn’t what I mean.

The problem with my way of thinking is that I cannot communicate my deeper thoughts in a ‘normal’ linear way. I am constantly criticizing myself. I constantly ask myself: “Am I making any sense?” In my mind, it all makes sense because it’s in my world, but in reality, do I really make sense to others?

I do not think that other people are dumb when they listen to me or read my words. I also feel frustrated when I try to explain something, not because it’s their fault, but because they ask me a question and I want to answer it. I want to answer it the way they will understand, but I have a hard time trying to get my point across. At least, that’s what my initial thoughts tell me. When people tell me that they understand me, I am skeptical.

First and foremost, it’s not totally true that I don’t think they really understand me, but instead, that I wonder if what they perceive is the same as what I am trying to express. Secondly, I have developed a certain degree of ‘paranoia’ and distrust, having so many disappointments in my past coinciding many different people who said they understood and eventually found out they simple didn’t.

I am nearly 32 and this way of thinking has plagued me since my childhood. I mentioned on multiple occasions with a couple of people that I have been cursed with this ability for a long time and it is very tiring to forcibly maintain it.

To summarize this possibly very confusing entry, I simply feel very dumb at times, not dimwitted – just dumb.

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