Stand Alone Complex

Stand Alone Complex

12:32am

[“Inner Universe” by Yoko Kanno]

Today was a pretty hot day. When I was driving home from work, geez, I was wondering how people can survive in this weather – how people in Hong Kong can survive in their weather! I did some stuff, and called Pat at 7:30pm. We talked mainly about tennis then asked if he would be interested in some cycling with me, then to the gym afterwards. I took my bike stuffs and met him at his place at 8:15pm. Geared up, then took a nice faster paced ride in the middle to south western ends of Richmond.

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The thicker yellow line was our bike route. Our complete trip was about 1.25 hours, but the actual ride was about 50 minutes. It was pretty fun, even though most of it was flat. We tried to get a bit adventurous on some trails where it looked as though it had alternate routes. 8]

We were at a really good pace. I think our average speed was about 22 km’s per hour, slowest was about 12 to 15 and our peak speed was probably almost 27km’s/hour. We gunned the last four to five kilometers. For all the straight rides, I rode at 2-7, trails at 1-5 to 2-4, and the last few km’s at 3-1/3-2.

Those speeds are pretty good I think, considering I only went back into cycling a month ago. My quads have gotten bigger and my thighs stiffer. It was fun and it was a great work-out.

After that, we ended up at Fogg & Sudds. He had a Canadian Burger and ice tea, and I had a Furstenburg and Strips & Caesar. Yes, I know… Pat even remarked, “A beer after a work-out. That’s great man.”

[laughs]

We talked about fishing, Flora and her sexual open-ness, Flora’s big breasts, drinking back in the day, going out this Thursday, some other stuff, and then he told me that he was tired, so drove back to his place, dropped him off, and back home I went. I considered going to the gym, but nah… I’ll go tomorrow after work, since there is no Razor meeting tomorrow.

You know? It’s really great that I still have a lot of power in my legs. Riding at 2-7 felt really good. My shoulders are a little sore though, from stabilizing my bike on the rocky trail we went on. Of course, it’s from a combination of other things like my day job, typing, moving stuff around, etc… I haven’t had a back and shoulder massage for almost two months.

On the trail – same one I mentioned about in my previous entries about Meow, we concidentally stopped at Francis Road. I stopped at the bench where I wrote some words about Meow April 15th night-time. It was totally coincidental because I wasn’t aware of it. I actually forgot about it. I looked around and instantly remembered and looked over and there it was in black Sharpie ink…

So Pat teased me of course, and we rode off again. Some pictures…

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The above pictures will give you an idea of the trail I am talking about…

So I got home and well some other thought have also been bugging me, and I know what I said before, but I just want to let this out…

I very recently finished watching a Chinese drama from TVB called ‘Le Femme Desperado”. The drama as a whole felt a bit lacking, and some parts didn’t seem quite right, then again, a lot of Chinese shows don’t feel quite right anyway. Damn I lost my train of thought…

[ponders]

Oh yes, right I remember now… So most of the show was made in Hong Kong. Ah, yes, now you know what I am getting at here. Yes yes, I know I know, but give me this moment.

[“Fushin to Namida to” by Toshikiko Sahashi]

It’s just I’ve been there a few times already and Hong Kong is a nice place to vacation and explore. It’s not as diverse and rich as Japan, but it still has enough of that sort of thing. You know that as I mentioned previously, I was going to go to HK with Meow later next year. It would be her first time. Without getting into details, basically, I wanted very much to share her first time going to HK with me. I was able to imagine it, experience it in my mind, etc. It was awesome, and it probably would have been awesome if it would happen.

Of course, it won’t now or ever, but it’s just the feeling of not being able to and really wanting to. Just to see her light up, laugh, smile, and have a damn great time.

[sigh]

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This feeling has been stuck in me for a long time. Yeah, I know, but I’m just expressing myself.

Seriously, I don’t think I can get this feeling back. I mean, I don’t think I can feel this way again. I can see myself with someone, but not committed. I can take my future companion travelling if I have the money, but I don’t think I want to take my future companion to Hong Kong. It’s an ‘off-limits’ sort of place, in terms of first time experiences.

Right now, I am trying to find a way to go back to Hong Kong before October 2007, because I want to go there at least once before she taints that place. It will be like going there to release my heart there. because if I go there after she’s been there, every where I go, I would wonder… “Did she walk through here?” “Did she eat here?” “Did she go through these doors?” “Did she ride the MTR and KCR?” And some thoughts would be I would walk around Lam Kwai Fong and think “I know she’s walk down this block before, with her friends, with that guy.” Then I would be riding the bus to my grandma’s place and think, “She’s probably been on this road too, on another bus.” Or if I go back up Victoria Peak during the day and night – the beautiful city below me – how much I would have love to see her take a deep breath of satisfaction to witness something so gorgeous with me besider her. Sample the world’s best cheese cake at Victoria Peak shopping centre, show her the ‘famous’ park where a lot of movies have been filmed at, take her to Ocean Park, go on all the rides, then lunch, then go watch dolphins jump around, visit the museum, go hiking, outdoor rock climbing, cycle everywhere, take her to the park at the Race Horse track, take a ferry to Macau, have some gambling fun, or I would be visiting Kowloon or HK Island and shopping with someone and think about more stuff and feel bad that it wasn’t me to bring her to all those places, and to show her all the other places she would probably never visit without me, and so on and so forth. It’s just the lingering feelings, thoughts, and connective possibilities of my past toward a future that will not exist.

Anyway, if I can’t go there before 10/2007, then my next trip there will be entirely business, at the very least, it won’t be as sentimental as if I do it now. It will simply be another trip with no feeling that way.

I would hate to live in HK, but it is a nice place to visit once in awhile. It is where my parents toiled away in their youths to help raise their families. It is also the place I released my connective emotions for Virginia back in October 2002, when I went there.

Yeah a thing about Virginia… I’ve wanted to say this. If indeed her emotions were real, then I made an extremely grave mistake in my past. I believe that I had hurt her quite a bit. I didn’t mean to. I called her a month ago because I wanted to see her, call her out, and take a stroll outside here, and possibly tell her about everything. If her emotions were real, I want her to know. Will it help with anything? It might not with her, but it would with me.

I just want to tell her why I did what I did, and what happened during that entire time, all the way to the present. I want to tell her that I still think about her from time to time ever since we fell-out 6 years ago. No I do not love her (anymore), and no I am not trying to pursue any sort of intimate relationship with her. I just wish to have her hear my thoughts, and I wanted to hear her feelings. If we part and do not become friends afterwards, then it doesn’t matter.

I thought the ‘behind the scenes’ reasons for Meow to have done all that to me was because of Karma – of what I did towards Virginia. If she really did have those sort of feelings for me back then, I believe I really did hurt her. I doubt even to this day, because I just cannot accept that someone like her would ever have those sort of feelings for me. Just as I reject many things in my life, just the same reason why I rather accept hardship than believe in love.

Meow was my personal test – to see if I can love and accept love. What was Virginia? I know I shouldn’t doubt, because I still remember that night in front of a small crowd at Fair Bee, she put on Bette Midler, then stood up in front of me, and sang “The Rose” to me.

Virginia… I’m so sorry. I told my friends and my ex’s to never apologize if they cannot change their mistakes. Well Virginia, in the last 6 years, I’ve changed myself. You were the catalyst for my change. Thus when I say that I am sorry, not only do I mean it, but I have changed.

[“Shizukana Yoruni” by Rie Tanaka]

It’s too late. [chuckles] I even pondered whether I should try harder, but based on Albert’s (what does he know?!?!) answer to my subtle question a few of weeks ago, he said that I should not presume that I should try harder if the estimate of the future is too vague. He is a businessman – the elitist corporate tyrant type. His words are wise, but does not quite fit the concept. However, in a completely off-topic way, he is correct coinciding this.

The thing is, I have other responsibilities to fill. I have duties right now, and I need the money to help my family. I can go out casually with friends and meet people now and then, but nothing serious, cuz I just don’t have that sort of freedom.

On one hand, I don’t want to go through life by myself, though I am sure I can. On the other hand, I know that I can go through life by myself and achieve my goals and visions through my career and other similar aspects. You think it’s denial of course, and I admit, it is.

ANYWAY…

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This picture titled “Serenity” by Kagaya has been in my computers since late 2000. His art work is gorgeous. The picture above is my favorite one. This particular picture holds a lot of meaning for me. I rather not explain it. If you know what it is, great. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter.

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Another one of my favorites – cherry blossoms shedding into a lake… A few years ago, I had the opportunity to edit this picture. I replaced the background night-sky and the lake with a picture I rendered from Bryce 4. I lost that picture a few years ago, but it’s in my memories… 8]

Okay, so it’s late again… I’m going to retire earlier tonight. I’ve been sleeping around 4am to 5am every day for the last few weeks. Tonight will be my last night of rest before I get back into work mode.

Good night… or rather, good morning… 8]

1:53am

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