Twilight Memories

Twilight Memories

8:35am

Tune: “Nocturne” by Secret Garden
Drink: Ginseng Tea

I once saw a photo of a nude woman suspended in an ocean. I wanted to purchase that framed photo, but at the time, $180 US was a bit steep for me. As well, there isn’t a place in the house I can quite hang it up for maximum effect. That picture was beautiful because the ocean is a place I cannot venture into, but it would be the closest thing possible for me to feel freedom, even within the confinements of that sea.

When I was alone, to meditate, even when I was not alone, to meditate, I found, or rather, I exposed parts of my inner self to the self-awareness part of me that want to touch the hidden emotions and thoughts, and the results were quite ridiculous. Even now, I meditate on those results.

What I see with this eye is something I thought could never be any clearer. Yet, I had the chance to see something clearer than my thoughts alone, than the web of dreams that haunt and curse me since my childhood. I wonder sometimes, when it will all end. Sometimes, I wonder, if that end has already begun. Maybe, it began when life started.

I love to have the ability to see things with my feelings. Fast moving pictures feel so sharp and vivid, but at the sacrifice of my momentary sanity.

[closes the mental eye to listen to this song]

[audio:http://swollencheeks.com/milktea/audio/01_Nocturne.mp3]

As my mom, my aunt, Brandon and I crossed a road next to the Shatin Heritage Museum, my mom said in Cantonese, “This was the bridge we crossed everyday to go to work back then.” I had her repeat what she said and then took a brief glance at our surroundings and look down the road into a bend and forest. Since then, even though the place had no precise place in my heart, I’ve been thinking about it. Just now, I wonder if it was a passing thought my mom had to have mentioned that, or was there a deeper meaning, or rather, some form of nostalgic signal she wanted me to know about?

It’s things like this that I put a lot of emphasize into deciphering. With modesty aside, I’ve always taken greater dignified acceptance to my ability to decipher human expressions, but what I have seemingly lacked is to decipher human faultiness and its associated personality. In other words, as I may be considerate of people’s wants and needs, I seem to be inconsider of people’s underlying feelings. So with this said, I wonder what my mom wanted me to know about, or was it just a passing memory? Maybe she wanted me to know, but it wasn’t important enough for a story?

So there you have it – a peek inside the inner workings of the boy known as Leeman. I have to add that these thoughts are constant and automatic. They aren’t driven by a need, nor are they necessary. They are simply there and instant.

Being aware sucks. I am constantly aware of things. Things that will never be said directly here. Hong Kong this year was not like all my previous years there. At first, I thought it was because it was missing something. No, it wasn’t missing anything. This time around, my trip there allowed me to think, to meditate on me. Since I came back on Sunday noon, I knew what I am not, what I want, and what I seriously do not want.

Ever changing, growing, evolution. However, I know I cannot act on raw desires. They are raw because they are at their basic fundamental level. Everyone has raw emotions, raw desires, raw needs and wants. I am no exception, but as I had that chance to react and enact on those raw goals and needs and wants, and I did, I cannot further that reaction and action to pursue those raw needs and wants. I can’t. No, correction. I don’t want to.

As Michelle might already have guessed, I completely retired from DC roughly a month and a half ago after a religious stint by Vivian. What made me choose to stop going back there was that I got sick of people telling others to do something other than what those people wanted to do themselves. I was no better. Most of the time, I gave people a more objective point of view of their own situations, and sparked a possible interest in thinking for themselves, but sometimes, I did managed to express an anger and frustration that people would listen to the bullshit of others, instead of the bullshit of my own. What I realized is the idea of logic. I always thought I was at least very logical, but what I didn’t take into consideration was that logic may not necessarily be calculated the same way with others, even if it’s common sense.

I was also sick of Vivian calling Pete, Rob, and myself family-disoriented because we have no religion. That topped it. I have never really believed in anything in particular, though I do take working facts and working theories into consideration a lot more than religious lore. Believing in what I can do with my hands coupled with the mechanics of the universe is the most truthful thing. Everything else is a waste of time.

What can I do for my loved ones?

Isn’t that enough? Do you need more? Are you that fearful of the unknown?

I will answer those questions pertaining to me:

Is it enough? It is and it isn’t because on one hand, I do what my psyche is willing to do for those I love and that’s all there is to it for the most part, but it isn’t enough because it can go beyond that. Time after time, I want the mind of my mom to be at ease because she is like a little girl that views the world in a simple way. She fears the after-effects of growing old and dying. Being agnostic at best, I cannot reassure her on anything about death. Personally, I dislike religion, but I see that it is a necessary evil. I could compromise my own personal beliefs and influence my mom to become a religious person of sorts, so she can feel more at ease with her life and death itself – even if that puts an emotional burden on me.

So it is enough for me alone, but it isn’t enough for me when it comes in relation to my loved ones.

Do I need more? I always need more – more willpower, more life and energy, more positive mental and physical health, more positive chances, more glory… I always want to do more. It’s not that I can’t, but because there is a time and energy limit. If I can live a thousand years and be healthy at the same time, then it’s a different story.

Am I fearful of the unknown? I am not fearful of the unknown, but I am saddened by losing myself to death. People can argue that life is about expansion and reaching outwards. I agree completely, but for myself alone, I will one day lose my mind, my thoughts, the mechanics of my being. Even if science manage to clone me, the clone of me will not be me but a shell of who I am now and will be. Even reading the tens of thousands of pages of my diaries will never spark that same passion and reflection that I now have in the clone of me. Though it would be interesting if science can retain partial memory or glimpses of my experiences in the clone(s).

I believe in the individual’s well-being, as well as the well-being of the family. In situations where unrest and abandoned emotions occur, I believe in a moderate compromise rather than sticking together in a false-relationship. Counselling does not work for everyone, nor does religion, nor does atheism and agnosticism.

Richard Dawkins mentioned that enforcing your religious ideals on your children is a form of child abuse. I can’t quite grasp that, but in some ways, I might agree. As Professor Dawkins has also mentioned, responsible parents of faith should keep their religion to themselves regardless of what their faith expresses. If you are Christian, give your family a place of refuge and adjust that environment with the basic fundamentals of your faith, but don’t enforce those ideals onto your children. If they ask you, “What do you believe in?” You should answer, “I believe in Christ, but there are many religions in this world. There is Buddha. There is Zeus. There is Bael. There is Shiva. The list is almost endless. As you grow older, I will expose you to Christ as well as other world religions. Then one day, if you wish to align yourself to a belief, you will have the knowledge to make that choice on your own.”

People of faith is a personal religion and not a religion of others. If you believe in a deity, then that is your personal belief. Faith need no religion. Do not be a hyprocrite of your own beliefs by aligning yourself to religion. If you think calling out “Jesus Christ” is calling his name out in vain, then when you speak of “Buddha” or “Aphrodite” next time, think of how hypocritical your words were in comparison. Either you are a person of faith to one god, or you are a person of all religions – and not adhering to just one.

I’m not athiest. I will not try to disapprove God. However, absolute religion makes me sick. I’m sure God is quite sick of religion too.

My parents, and most of my relatives are Cultural Buddhists – a term Professor Dawkins mentioned in an interview on the BBC. My parents and most of my relatives are Cultural Buddhists because they practice the folk rituals but they don’t practice the religion itself. I view that as a watered down version of the core religion. As long as it’s kept that way, I am quite tolerable to their rituals. However, if they go beyond that, it can be deciphered as being just as bad as a fundamental Christian or a fundamental Muslim. That one Buddhist woman from years ago is still in my mind…

For awhile, I was also Cultural Buddhist, but I shedded myself of that alignment. It is no longer a religion to me, but a philosophy. I am no vegetarian. I drink beer, think of boobies, pinch and smack damn fine asses, and masturbate. I don’t finish everything on the dinner plate, and I do get into verbal arguments with my parents from time to time. I believe in the cycle of life, but I do not believe in the nine hells.

I don’t know if God exists, but I refer to the mechanics of the universe as “Heaven”. At best, I am a Zen agnostic. At worst, I’m a fallen angel with amnesia. [wink]

I love sex, but as this year coupled with last year have taught me, I can’t enjoy sex without being in love with someone – at least liking someone rnough. I wanted a friend with benefits, but luckily, that never happened – well, that’s what I’m officially saying here anyway. I tried having flings and one night stands, but as much as it was desirable at the moment, I couldn’t follow through with most of them. I can’t fuck without love. Masturbating to porn is totally different to having sex with a stranger or with a friend who wants to do it just to get off. Watching videos of my ex in compromising positions and activities is still a lot more satisfying than watching porn of strangers. Mind you, I’m not ruling out that this is impossible. It just means this isn’t what I want, but getting into the mood can still be done I’m sure.

I believe in Heaven. I believe in my family, and I believe a lot of myself, but not completely. However, the thing I believe in the most is love even if it’s corruptable. It is corruptable because of human fallacy.

Earlier 2007 all the way to roughly October, I went through a period of ‘idealism’. I watched a lot of a specific type of anime, and though my day to day life had not changed, my thoughts had aligned itself to the impossibility of humanity. In a way, I was saddened that humanity is the way it is, but I was allowed to retreat to my nightly anime and found temporare peace with those mini stories. When you saw me, I was my usual self, but behind that facet, another little hidden world turned around and around inside. The transition of the weeks and days leading up to my trip to Hong Kong ‘woke’ me up. Coming back to Vancouver from Hong Kong has put me back into complete reality. Thus has allowed me this brief window to reveal my collective thoughts.

Since elementary school, I defended myself that in fact, I was being segregated from everyone else for whatever reason – that reason wasn’t important as I never dwelled on it. So I have a sort of detachment from common society and the society amongst my friendships. I think it is wrong for me to not have barriers up with certain people in my friendships, but even when I think it’s wrong, I don’t quite feel the necessity to put up any barriers with those people. However, this was never the case with my friendship with Albert. On one hand, I enjoyed time spent with him. Our day to day, week to week, month to year to year experiences were rich and fulfilling, but as the years came and went, seasons shedded its petals and new flowers bloomed, tension grew between us. It was neither each other’s faults. It was simply our own personalities and our outlook on life and our surroundings.

For him, life is unfair, and the world is a massive village waiting for him to pillage and plunder. To me, life is fair, and the world is the one thing that takes all that fairness away. The thing we both agree on is the moderation of what we give and receive, but we both fail at moderation. He takes things way too seriously and corners himself into one path that may eventually lead to either destruction or becoming king. I take things as they come, and do not have a solid plan for the future which may lead to my demise and downfall. He doesn’t want to take love for granted, but he does. I don’t want take love because I know I can disappoint and be disappointed, which is my psychological dismembermant and decay. We are both emotionally unstable. He has succeeded in becoming prideful, vengeful, and petty. I have succeeded in becoming detached, inconsiderate, and maybe even pitiful.

He mostly blames others. I blame myself. Human fallacy.

Ed called me in December 2007 and he asked a rhetorical question whether I can accept Albert as he is, and at the time, I said I could, but in truth, I cannot. It’s hard to be friends with him, let alone being his lover. I don’t like the things he told me, but do not expect me to reveal them here. I compared to the deed I did back in the beginning of 2001 with what he did earlier this year, and the things he told me about, and it’s incomparable. You would think one Hitler was enough, but having repeated atrocities in other parts of the world, in the same century, within fifty years would be outrageous? Everyone can make a mistake or two or three or maybe even four, five, or six, but to be aware of that mistake and continue to make it to benefit yourself and to take advantage of the forgiving nature of those you are allied with is to say the least, out of the equation for me.

I think if you called me, I would mostly try to be there for you, at least, lend you my ear, my shoulders to cry on, and even my wallet for some booze and cookies. Sometimes, I might even exert a ‘helping’ hand when you don’t ask for it. That is Leemanism. Carlo gave me bruises after punching me a few times in the stomach once while he was drunk, but it was all in the name of friendship. It was a pre-marriage scary-thingy that he felt at the time. [ahem]

When I have my willpower, I will give him a call.

When it comes to friendship and family, do not expect me to be a passive spectator, but do not expect me to be a tactless dolt either. One thing I’ve learned is that being close friends with either lover is difficult. So be warned Spongey – don’t allow Ben to get too close to me. ^o^

(About a day later)

I want my own family, not because I personally want one, but because I don’t want my parents to be lonely thinking that their bloodline will end with their children. If my brother lets me use his sperm for my future wife’s impregnation, that would be great. Alas, he still has not responded to my email. The thing is though, this conflicts with my personal desire to not want children. I don’t believe in marriage, though I do believe in an union of sorts, and I do not want children. I do not want that hassle. Children can be wonderous, I’m sure – to hold your own, as he or she sleeps in your arms. It would be nice, but I want my devotion on one thing or one person, but how lonely it can be for my partner if she were to be with me. Indeed, I do have an ideal of the partner I want. I will never be enough for her.

Going back on the life and death and god and heaven thing, I want my parents to feel they have done more than just trying to fulfill their own personal desires and the security and welfare of their children. So in time, I might seriously consider finding and accepting an intimate companion and possibly start a family for my parents. This does not mean I will not express love and sincerity. It means that I surrender a part of myself for a greater ideal. In essence, I would be abdicating from reigning this internal kingdom and leave the internal workings to Heaven as regent, or some form of collective government consisting of my dreaming mechanics, filtered desires and wishes, principles and learned morals of sorts.

I do have an ideal lifestyle, but as most people may wish to find their other half and continue life in a happily ever after story with its occasional ups and downs, my ideal lifestyle consists of solitude, a massive lake, a small castle, and a vast library with other rooms of wonder and puzzles. I would have a dome-like structure outside surrounded by trees and flowers dedicated to the philosophy of the religious deities, but it won’t teach visitors the fallacy and myth of its faithful scriptures. Rather, it would expose visitors to the collective morals of the religions as a whole, and to express that each deity is under one Heaven.

Hierarchies exist only in the realm of human beings and its living creatures, but all under Heaven exist as one. This is what I would express in that dome. It will also show the astrological procession and its alignment to Earth, and how astronomy plays a huge role in that. It will be a place that consists of science and spirituality without the evils of religion influencing the idea. Some thought will need to be put into this.

The vast library will consists of works that will and may interest, and has interested me. Books about Mozart and Monet will not grace my shelves as they bore me to tears, but books about Einstein and Hawkings will litter my shelves I’m sure. Every verse of The Art Of War will be written in Chinese calligraphy and adorn my walls throughout with translations hung below them. Associated verses from various human beings throughout the centuries will accompany various rooms and regions of my small castle with meaning and placement. In ‘random’ placements, there will also be a few pastel and felt-like children’s books – “Swan In Love” being one of them.

Visitors will have the opportunity to sample a very subtle aroma of spring tea leaves and tulips throughout the entire building, and occasionally hear faded wind chimes not quite originating from any particular place. As per the requests of my past lovers and friendships gone astray, I would hand etch my own sayings in random areas outside my castle on rocks, on a piece of wood, on a stone floor tablet, etc. I will create a small but hidden place with a great view for those who wish personal refuge to think things through. It will not invade your sight, but it will be rich enough for you to feel warmth even in the coldest of winter.

[chuckles]

An ideal home for me. Indeed, I would need to be quite wealthy, but it seems my life thus far has always been “almost there”. I enjoy solitude even though it may bring me bouts of sadness and a desire for intimate warmth. Alas, solitude seems so much more invigorating, so much more together, and singular and absolute. Solitude means total and absolute control over myself. I want my home to feel simple and almost empty, but I would put my entire devotion to it, to make it into a place for refuge and comfort even when its master is detached. I ask rhetorically, “Would that not be so great?” followed by a smile.

There will be other things in and around my home, but those thoughts are reserved for those curious enough and sincere enough to want to know.

Like most of all of humanity, I do have wishes, though I am a lot less optimistic and a lot less idealistic. Indeed, being buried here is a personal will. It’s not easy to just say “no” and do something else. As much as I may be detached to the surrounding society and common society, I am also very much attached to my family, especially my parents. I often wonder how life would be like without them in my elder years. I wonder how each of them may feel as their lifelines are nearing their end. I hope with every power and influence I have that they never need to suffer, and in hopes they will come to feel satisfied. Alas, I can aid in that satisfaction if I am successful, and if I consider having a family with the help of my brother. I don’t want them to feel lonely in passing because I know they put a lot of protection and hopes on me.

I stay detached because when the times come, I can wallow in my own pain and suffering, as I did alone all those years back.

So what do I do? I need my career to stabilize. I hope RT makes it pass this first stage. I hope they make it pass the second and third and into the fourth. Maybe I will be a millionaire with $5 million in shares by the time I’m 40? It’s not much, but it will secure my family. I don’t want to wait 15 years, but things like this need time, effort, and a lot of energy. It’s out of hands. I can only do my part.

This song is good. I can see a lot of my own ideals and my wishes take form inside my mind. Some make it, others don’t, all the while, things can always change.

I’m done.

7:59am

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