Unfortunately, I have also realized…

Mood: Settled
Drink: Sho Chiku Bai sake
Tune: “Active Radio Activity” by iLL

[audio:04-ActiveRadioActivity.mp3]

…that no one was there for me when I needed them. Come on, you *should* know me by now, I don’t ask for indirect help. I hint it very indirectly. Eg: “So what do you want to do now, that we’re done dinner?” or “You feel like something bubbly?”

Ah, it sucks really. The two people that really understood me are not here anymore. One turned into a petty, ill-tempered blamer of the entire universe and the other just got married and lives far away. So I’m stuck here with some pretty fantastic friends, but they don’t quite understand me on that same level that Jonathan and Albert did.

For example, there was a night, around midnight that Albert and I went to some apartment buildings next to Granville Island and we just stood there, both looking at the reflective water and he started a question, “Do you…” and I interrupted and said, “Yes.” I remembered he grinned and said, “I like how you and I just know things without saying much.” – something like that.

Or the times when I spent my evenings and early mornings with Jon, just walking around aimlessly or chill at my house, I would sit on my chair and he would lay on my bed, not talking and then he would say, “I know you have something you want to talk about. Out with it!”

These days, my friends over here have their own issues and are not readily available. At the same time, they aren’t available regardless because their thought processes are on a different plane than mine. For example, I would be standing somewhere and looking at something and I might have a grin on my face, but they would be completely clueless what I’m thinking about.

[sigh]

Indeed, I do think back on the good days I’ve had with Albert, but it really just sucks how everything turned out. At least we didn’t forfeit our friendship due to the misinterpretation of some freakin girl. [laughs] At least, that is the highlight of our end.

So since we departed from each other, I had been dealing my issues on my own terms. It’s not difficult. It’s just daunting.

I know Patrick and even Laura tries to do things like joke around, humor me and play along with me and add their tid bits here and there and that’s awesome. They’re awesome. They are, so don’t ever think otherwise. However, I need someone right now and no one is there for me. No one. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Ling. Void.

I’m not a talker when I need someone. I am a refuge taker.

For example, Albert and I used to drive around, listening to CD’s I made for him or CD’s that he made coinciding a period in his life. We would drive around in his Prelude and he’ll tell me his thoughts and feelings. Then we’ll park somewhere and just enjoy the ambiance. Listening to him talk those years ago, was inspiring. It was actually, possibly coincidentally that after he and Jenny became more serious, that it all became so damn different. He was always anal, but man, there were so much shit after they got together.

Anyway, or Jon… These days, who in my group of friends here would go sit out at the playground with me and swing on the swings while we talk about Quasars and black holes? I loved those stories Jon told me.

I ride hard these days. I sprint above 40km/hr for an amateur like me, sometimes reaching close to 50km/hr. I induce emotional suffering and that in turn, drives me to ride hard. I think the coolest time ever, was when I was riding around 49km/hr beside a car that was going about the same speed. The passenger gave me a thumbs up.

Some of you, like Michelle may have at least at one point wonder why I am so unresponsive and taking so damn long with my hand written letters. I am more reactive than active. Towards others, I am reactive. For myself, I am active. If my friends seek me out for advice, opinion, a sounding board, etc, I will react accordingly. However, no one reacts to me, so I have to take the initiative and action for myself.

Now before Pat goes off into a potential 12 comment tangent, I am not blaming anyone for not being able to be there for me. In fact, I’m typing out all of this in a state of equanimity. I recognize domino effects, chain reactions, connections, layerings, etc. I am here today, because of a myriad of circumstances.

That’s pretty much it.

However, there is one thing I seriously despise is when someone gives their word and back it up with “Trust me” and/or “I will never…” Because when you do break that, I remember it and I will remember it forever and it always use that as a referencing point to everything you do in the future. That’s why you will very rarely hear or see me say “I promise” or “trust me” or “I will never…” – unless I knew I could follow through with it. When I break something I’ve said, I get into a state of massive upset and think about it a lot, coupled with how I may not break it again. I hate words, even though I am a prolific writer, as I align with action much more. I just hate waiting. As my earlier conversation with Laura, “I despise waiting to hear back from someone.” It simply and utterly stresses me out – within context of immediacy of course.

This damn sake is NOT making me buzz! I blame the massive sushi I had with Jason L and Patrick!

9 thoughts on “Unfortunately, I have also realized…

  1. Patrick

    Yeah, you pretty much nailed it on the head regarding your other friends having issues of their own and are not readily available. We’re wired so differently, you and I. There are so many things that we don’t know about each other but there are things that are best left unsaid. Does life have to be so difficult? I feel so ashamed when I think that I actually have it pretty good compared to others in the world. I’m so lucky. Why don’t I recognize that? I know you feel like you’re “stuck” right now. Are you optimistic that your life will be unstuck someday? Is/are there something(s) you can do to get unstuck? I’m asking this as a friend. It’s funny cause I should be asking myself the same thing. I remember Jay Ding said that when people get mad, it’s usually because they’re scared. The time when I went off on a tangent on your blog, it was because it was true and I was scared. Even though we’re not really in-sync with our needs, let’s help each other out whether that’s directly or indirectly.

    I have a question:

    What makes you happy right now? What motivates you to live, I mean REALLY live? And if the answer is no, is there something you can do? Even if it’s hypothetical but it has to be practical. What’s stopping you?

    Haha… okay that was more than one question. But don’t answer it here… think about it and let’s meet up tonight, just you and me and maybe we can share our thoughts together and help each other out? Unfortunately, as you know, I won’t be of much help to you but I’d like to listen to you. I know you said you don’t really need another sounding board but I won’t judge.

    Later man.

  2. Patrick

    Oh and I understand that we probably talked about those things I mentioned above already but I have ADD. =P

  3. Leeman

    As I read your second comment ending “I have ADD”, my colleague walked around the corner and tripped over the heater. Combined with “I have ADD” and him tripping, I chuckled and snorted a piece of my ham. It was great.

    My mom asked me the same thing you asked: “Are you optimistic…?” My answer was and still am, “I neither am or not. I am just going through each week doing what I need to do. Optimism are for those who are following their dreams. I am following my responsibilities.”

    The things stopping me from whatever I really want to do extends to you guys and it has nothing to do with making money. Other things stopping me from whatever I really want to do is whether my dad will smarten up and stop giving my mom grief in finances. Another thing stopping me is my selfishness, but this is contradictory on the surface of things.

    All I want and truly want is for my dad to stop gambling large chunks of money into his stocks. It wasn’t the first time he lost a $200,000 all in one go in stocks. In fact, the latest lost was the third in thirty years. Other amounts he’s lost were $5000, $10k, $25k, etc. His problem is that he has a huge greed. Things rise to a nice level and he wants to keep going. He never knows when to stop and sell.

    I love my parents and I am protective of my mom. My mom doesn’t deserve to live like this, but my dad continues to keep us in debt. He earns a measly $250/week at Costco. My mom earns about $1700/month. I earn anywhere from $1500/month to $3000/month, averaged out to be roughly $1800 to $2000 per month. My dad gets his retirement thingy, but that’s about $450/month.

    We continue to keep our townhouse because they want to have something left over for their children and I want to have a stable home I can call my own later on in life. It is the only piece of asset that we’re all working towards on. If we can get rid of the mortgage and added credit card debt my dad has, we would only need to work on basic expenses like utilities, food and taxes. Those I can handle, which I have been handling for the last four years. My mom handles the mortgage. My dad pays for his debts in tiny pieces.

    The dreams that extend to you guys of course has to do with cycling and traveling. I want to cycle across Canada later on in our years, but before we do that, I want to go places like Kelowna, Kamloops, Calgary and work our way there every year, extending our distances. Other things like traveling could be short distances and even long distances. I don’t like traveling by myself because experiences should be shared and communicated. In some ways, I’m kind of like your dad. I want to go all over the world, but only go with a friend or two I can really trust and sometimes, rely on.

  4. Leeman

    As for the selfish part, as many of you know, I work at an optical manufacturing company who pays me ‘little’, but the pay is better than the average in Canada and I mainly work my own hours. I also do freelancing and have odd jobs here and there. I am selfish about this because I want to have control over when and how much I work. This gives me a certain amount of freedom to do what I want. My boss is a nice lady and I try not to take advantage of that. At the same time, I recognize that I could be earning 25% to 40% more if I worked at an established studio and this would help out the situation much better. However, working there would mean I need to wake up at 7am, head to work and get there by 9am, then work until 5pm, sometimes overtime to 8pm, five days a week.

    From an outsider’s point of view, I could be considered a contradicting moron who isn’t actually willing to help my parents as much as I say I am. Alas, they’re outsiders. From my point of view, I have a stable-enough job that gives me up to 30 hours per week, plus freelancing and this gives me certain light freedoms. I believe this is a balance of my sanity, stress and duties.

    Some of you may know this already. As much as my thoughts may be ‘complicated’, I try to live as simple of a lifestyle as possible. Less drama the better, as laid-back as friends I have the opportunity to have and as simple of an intimate relationship I can receive.

  5. Leeman

    It’s not easy sometimes because I miss the affection of a special lady ‘friend’. In my more youthful days, I was allowed those opportunities and I’ve had my share of giving and receiving affection. After going through those experiences and after not being in any more-stable intimate relationships for four years, it gets to me. Not every day, but it does get to me every now and then.

    As some may also know, I absolutely believe that as I age, the window of opportunity gets more narrow. This is not because there are less suitable people for me out there. It is actually because everyone I’ve met so far have grown more conservative and set in their ways. The biggest thing in my more youthful years when it came to girlfriends was that there was always room for growth. There was always more room to let our affections, our playfulness, our sexual connection to become more.

    I’m a 31 year old man. Trust me when I say that no sane minded woman is going to be attracted to a 31 year old man who has financial responsibilities to his parents, who has barely a savings, no place of his own, no massive income and who has the sex drive of Hercules on daily Viagra Power Shakes. Of course, this also means I am not desperate enough to go for just anyone. As you all know, I don’t believe in sugar coated bullshit either. A vein in my temple twitches every time I see/hear someone say to another person, “When you least expect it, it will come to you.”

    When was the last time any of you heard or seen me say that to anyone? Absolutely never.

  6. Leeman

    So what do I have to look forward to?

    Just the occasional hike, bike, camping, pub sitting and BBQ with my friends. The occasional email, MSN and phone call from you guys/girls. The occasional family gathering (which of course, includes all of you). Anime, computer games, get togethers over Cranium, sleep overs, your dad and his fine wines and cheeky jokes, etc. Getting a bit more fitter. Having the opportunity to connect with one or two people over the net. Look adoringly at cats and kittens doing their own things. Stuff like that.

  7. Leeman

    I also look forward to the day that you have your life sorted out, that you can connect with your parents on a mom/dad and son level, that Dinger can rid his internal anger and rage and get his humanitarian dreams going, that Jon gets to build his own astro-observatory in his backyard, that my brother can finally introduce Julian to my dad and my mom and have them accept him, etc, etc, etc, etc.

    I also look forward to a day that my mom is free from the tyranny of her supervisor at Mustang. The years of emotional abuse… The years of working her ass off for that company…

    I want a cat.

  8. Fong Pei

    You should build a life-sized model of me, put it in your room and every now and then, I’ll record my side of the conversation on a CD or cassette tape and send it to you. Then when you need to, put the tape in the tape player, and voila, its like I’m there, minus the farting and gaseous goodness.

  9. Leeman

    I shall! Actually, you bring up something very cool. This August, I’m going to take a super high res pic of you. ^_^

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