What I need

What I need

Last night, I had one too many, though it wasn’t that bad actually. After the club, Pat and I went to #9. Adam came later. I got home just after 2:30am. I apparently crashed in bed, half asleep but at 3:49am, I receive a call from Kari whom I haven’t spoken to for a long time. Now, since after 2003, the only times she ever called me was because she was upset. I picked up after three buzzes and one of the first things I asked was whether she was sad, then her voice broke up. Unfortunately, she hung up on me about 20 minutes into the conversation and instead, texted me for the next roughly 30 minutes. It was fine. She needed a friend to talk with and I was there… Oh sorry, “to talk to” I mean. Not with. ^_^

After that, I fell completely asleep around 8am, woke up to my 9:51am alarm, drove my dad to work, called in sick again. Yeah, three days straight.

I had a dream, a very interesting intuition-induced dream. One I have not had for a very long time. These are the sort of dreams where people of religion interpret it as their god(s) speaking to them. My interpretation is simple and has been for the last twenty years. I call them “intuition-induced dreams”. They are dreams that initiate a phase to allow me to rid excess and concentrate on the core.

Today’s dream put me into a warehouse where there were derelict arcade machines, a pool table and an older computer. The warehouse was next to the docks, next to the ocean or river or lake. My cousin Brandon came over to visit me, but I was very tired and wanted my own time. So I tried locking myself up in the warehouse, but he managed to get in with his sister behind him, along with another woman, a bit older, wearing a conservatively longer skirt, glasses, a bluish blouse, with her bluish hair tied up. I did not recognize her, but she did resembled Grace O’Connor.

After some vague events, I ended up at a garden, much like the ones around QE Park and Kristl was there. I ended up hugging her and somehow, fell on top of her, while still hugging. I noticed one considerable difference in that hug versus the hugs I’ve made in reality. Foremost, her breasts were slightly larger and rounder in my dream. They were also quite nice and firm. This was something specific I noticed from my dream. Second, as I laid on top of her, I actually felt very uncomfortable because I am at my second week after my shot and this meant I would be very turned on by just the closeness and touch of another girl. Yet, she didn’t seem to mind at all and I think that’s the thing, especially and very specifically with Kristl.

To elaborate, I have always seen and connected with Kristl on a completely different level, especially comparing with my connections with ALL of my other female friends. I’ve mentioned this before and I will mention it again; Kristl is a very comfortable person to be with, especially on a one-on-one rendezvous. Her words are inspiring and her mind is something I can adore.

One thing that have stuck with me for I think will be the rest of my life, possibly into my next life, is that she once said that she is happy that no matter what happens between us, everything will always be good and the same. She’s completely correct. Mind you, I have not seen her for about a year and a half now, due to a vast list of reasons, but ultimately, it is simply because I am selfishly trying not to dilute myself any further, as I did in 2006, 2007 and 2008. This year was my year for meditation. I enjoy and honor my friendship with her and hope she would accept that, until hopefully, the near future where I will see her again.

This may be strange to the bulk of you, but it takes more freed mental sockets to connect with those that can connect with me on a spiritual sense. Those that cannot connect with me on a completely spiritual sense, but still can connect with me beyond the surface, takes only energy. “Freed mental sockets” means, I clear way for the other person’s own thoughts, to be shared with me. It’s like the uncommon wine and dine of exquisite foods and liquor.

ANYWAY, so back to the dream, I laid on top of her, hugging her and she asked me what it was that I needed. I was afraid of moving around in that position because if I were to move around in any way, something ‘odd’ may develop below, so I remembered I moved very very very very little and concentrated on her question. It took me awhile to answer because I answered completely genuinely, sub-consciously knowing that I was actually dreaming, that I was actually really talking with myself.

The first thing of two things I said was, “I need sex.” I did not give any reasons as to why I needed sex. She brushed the back of my head and I continued, “The other thing I really need is love, but my core is emptied.” At that moment, I imagined the blackened peaks of Black Tusk or The Lions, without the snow and ice and as I elaborated on that, I continued to imagined the peak of those mountains. I told her, “It was once green and lush, at my core.” At this moment, I imagined the peak of that mountain covered with greenery. “However, now, it’s bare and empty.”

I stopped for a bit as I noticed that she nodded slightly and gave me a tighter hug, then I continued, “I know that I can regrow that lushness again, but that means I will have to change myself.” At this point, Kristl shook her head in disagreement, but at the same time, I quickly ‘corrected’ myself, “I mean, not change but add new. Add more possibly.” At this point, she nodded slightly again and I continued, “I know what I can do to make it all green again, if that means to add something new to my life.”

Throughout this entire experience, while answering her question, I also thought about a ‘mind meld’ that Kristl did with me just as we fell down in the beginning. For a brief moment, she went into my mind and saw what I was struggling with. For a moment there, she had a complete connection with me, no walls, no barriers. Therefore, she verbally asked me that question. She knew what I needed, but wanted me to say it.

In reality, Kristl represents my core. My core knows what I want, how to achieve what I want and most of the major steps in doing them. The fact that I was holding her in that intimate position, was because my core is me, at the rawness of my very being – that I try not to put emphasize on, but apparently, ‘Kristl’ had simply reached out to me – my core reached out to me, to tell me that I can’t just brush it aside.

Now to clarify with my other friends, the way I see Kristl, as in the human person, is not simply another female nor just another friend. I have not yet developed enough of a relationship with Kristl, but I can almost apply a fictional metaphor to it. Guinan in Star Trek lore is Kristl and John Luc Picard is me. Not nearly as ancient, but that’s the way I feel. Indeed, I do have sexual attraction towards her, but know that I am a human male with the intricacies of the human male mind and bodily functions. However, as said, it is on a completely different level, at least I surmise as that. To clarify, it means I react to the sexual aspect as I naturally should. I don’t react to it because I want to sleep with her, which her brother thought.

I have to admit though, when Tom asked me suddenly out of the blue, my response was so messed up. I was obviously not prepared. I remembered I mentioned this with one of my other friends and he was like, “Man, that’s funny. I can see how you sound insincere, even if you were.” [sighs and laughs]

Anyhow, the dream is quite empowering, even on a soft note. The last time I had an intuition-induced dream was over a year ago, maybe even two years ago.

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