What I need

What I need

Tune: “The man in the desert” by Yoko Kanno
Food: Chicken Noodles with rice
Mood: Like I could go outside and build a snowman or go sledding again while watching the planes fly far above in the sky

[audio:07-the-man-in-the-desert.mp3]

What I need is friendship, as it flows from one breath to the other. What I need is a balloon that fills up and floats towards Earth’s lower orbit. What I need is a hard trek through a forest, a plain of ice and snow, or simply down a street and close my eyes to take in the wonders of every step people make around me, every voice that gets muffled with the other ambient noise, every laughter, every cry, every word that gets passed around.

What I need is the flow.

I feel terrible when I skip out on friends’ birthdays, miss their celebrations of events and breaking into a new home, etc. I feel terrible when I have to lay here on my bed every night before I doze off to sleep, thinking it is a conscious choice to not celebrate their meager days with them. I do this to everyone: regardless of how close and how important they are to me.

The flow of time is hard on my emotions. Though people may be more yielding, time doesn’t.

Earlier, I had another long conversation with my mom. This time the topic was about Amber and a bit about my other friends as well. I told her that the flow of my conversation with Laura is utterly easy. We may have a different perspective in what life might be, but everything else is so easy-going. I told my mom that of all of my friends, I share my thoughts and feelings to Laura the most. I told my mom that though I’m close to Jon and I’ve been friends with Patrick for 23.5 years, what we share towards each other, truly depends on what they are capable of saying to me after I’ve said something to them. I noticed that Patrick tells me things more so than I do with him, but I listen to him and criticize or give my opinion as intended. I noticed that Jon listens more and I rant more. I noticed that Laura and I speak and listen in a well-balanced way.

I like my relationships with my friends because the obstruction is very low and the flow is very easy-going and very casual, even through serious topics, everything just melds together like water and water, like air and air, like a perfectly long chess game. Unfortunately, this is not the same with Amber.

I once told her that it felt like I was not playing chess against her, but with her. It felt like that for a long time, but then lately, it no longer felt like that. It felt as though she isn’t even there. I know what Michelle might say: “Of course she’s isn’t even there! She’s way over there!”

Yes and that too, but I remember when Jessica and I exchanged half a dozen emails in one day – huge long ones and we used to email each other at least six days a week and we did this for years. There was always something to say, even small trivial things.

The fact of the matter is: regardless of how trivial, or how serious something might be, the fact is, whether it bores me normally or excites me, the fact is, I want to hear from her.

It’s funny Jon, because you said this to me before and at the time, I didn’t really understand, though I did accept your words. When you like someone, you want to hear her, even if it may normally be nonsense to you, you just want to hear her talk.

I confess, I log into MSN invisible and I see her there, logged in and all I want is to hear or see her talk, but I stop myself because she doesn’t talk. She said she tried and that’s great, but honestly, there are two issues here. If you have to ‘try’, it’s not natural. I rather you not talk, than ‘try’ to. Second, I see you talk all the time in Chat Lobby. Sure you sometimes, ‘try’ to strike up a conversation with me, but I can’t help but wonder, why there and not here?

She told me once that she misses the times where we first talked in Chat Lobby, because those were the times where we had the most to talk about. What she fails time and again to realize is that I have a zillion things I can talk to her about, but for me to be the one to always ask questions and bring up topics, easily tires me out emotionally and mentally. There is no flow. There is only “I tried”.

The only things I had ‘tried’ ever coinciding her was to realize my mistakes, my bad habits and tried to correct them. Those are different. I don’t need to change who I am to do the things I want to do.

My mom told me that ultimately, there is no reason for me to pressure her to be another way and I told her that I wasn’t, but it seems that way. All I want is for her to be natural because ultimately, it comes down to whether I accept it or reject it. Why try to do something that you’re unnatural at, to change something that you are anyway, just to try to suit the feelings of another person? She said she cares about my feelings and I appreciate that, but honestly, it was unnecessary.

There are indeed things I miss about my past lovers which makes me appreciate what I lost a lot more. This is the fallacy of humanity: to appreciate something more when it is lost. This should be a lesson to everyone, but it isn’t. It is only treated as hearsay.

In MSN earlier today, after further irritation, I left with a message that we may talk again in a week or two, in which she texts me back saying that I shouldn’t complain to her next time when things are not resolved. I closed the message and calmly put down my phone, then came here to post this.

I remember one time, Iris and I was fighting about something, but then part-way through, she goes, “I’m yielding Lee and I am listening to you now.” At that moment, I trailed off and realized that suddenly, my ‘ears’ were more opened. I suddenly noticed her words much more clearly and I apologized.

I also remember another time, June and I had an argument over the phone and I was quite irritated and wish her a good night, then hung up. She was so upset. Called and left voice messages, etc. I ignored her messages and continued my work for a few days. She then suddenly appears at my office and balls her eyes out, in which then I gave her a hug. My ears were totally opened and she told me her feelings and tried to understand my obligations and we worked out a compromise.

Never once had I ever had to deal with complaining to another lover about things not being solved. For Amber, I don’t complain. What I do is point out the fact that nothing ever truly gets resolved if we don’t talk about it. I understand she has a certain responsibility she has to fulfill with her friend that she has to finish tonight, but why drag me into the waiting game when we’re in the middle of something? Unnecessary obstructions for easily solvable issues.

Take Jason D for example. He messaged me a couple of nights ago through MSN. I ignored him, knowing that if it was important, he would email me, which he did and I read it, then made the change in his web site. Boom, 5 minutes, done. I was on MSN with Amber that night trying to ‘resolve’ another issue. Ultimately, there is something amiss between her and I. She’s fine with all those internet friends of hers, but something about us just isn’t working. I would like to believe things can work out and I would like to believe that things can most likely work out if we were in person together. The idea is that there is no rush to be more, but in my heart and in my thoughts for such a long time, I felt that this is the woman I want to work towards a solid relationship with. I imagined living with her, experiencing our particular nuisances, getting a feel for how she really is, imagining what every day would be like, the things we would talk about and do, the different new food experiences I get to introduce her to. I imagined loving her, making love to her, introducing her to my friends, seeing her interact with my friends, observing her interact with the environment.

I never thought about these things with my other lovers. I know Amber, but I wish I knew from the smallest bit to the largest. At this moment in time, what I miss the most is what I had with others because what I need from Amber is not there.

My feeling is that what she needs is not me. She said that I have influenced her in some ways to help her change somewhat and initially, I felt a little good, but ultimately, I felt as though the only person that has truly changed is me.

She taught me indirectly that I need a more delicate touch and that I need to not just think about what I perceive as being correctly perceived. Jason Lau gave a very good example to me a couple of months ago, about how men think and how women feel pertaining to one particular scenario. Ever since that plus Amber’s fights with me, I’ve took out some obstructions inside my mentality and really let us have a chance at what we’re both trying to do, at least, that is how I perceived it that maybe she and I are attending the same goals or similar ones.

I’m about to open one of these unopened letters from past lovers and I am going to read what they had to say to me after our relationship broke down. I opened one the other night awhile ago and it kind of broke my heart.

The man in the desert, once seeking an oasis, now just venturing forward wherever the stars may lead him.

What I need is your voice in my ear, when I am treading through this massive desert alone. My friends are the stars at night that guide me, but I need a voice to help me pass through each day easier. Too soothe my senses. To give me another solid reason to keep going, even if I have to keep going regardless.

What I need is someone to look forward to every day, every night, every moment of the rest of my life.

Leave a Reply